MA09 Myth Inc in Action

by Robert Asprin

  Strangely enough, neither the weaker drinks nor the sky-high prices seem to faze this crowd in the least. I figure this is because they feel that payin’ three times the normal goin’ fare for a drink will screen out the rabble one usually has to tolerate when drinkin’ in a public place, thereby insurin’ that they are makin’ their passes at folks of an equal or higher income bracket, and as to the watered drinks... well, the only reason I can come up with that they aren’t complainin’ about this is that they probably figure that booze is unhealthy, so a weak drink is somehow healthier than a strong one.

  You see, I have ascertained through eavesdroppin’ that health, and specifically healthy consumables, is a very big issue with these upwardly mobile folks. It’s like they’re used to thinkin’ that you can get anythin’ with enough money... and they’ve gotten it into their heads that by spendin’ more for health foods and health drinks, they is never gonna die. Of course, they spend so much time worryin’ and naggin’ each other about good health, that they tend to generate sufficient stress to keel over and croak from heart attacks... but this seems to be an acceptable, if not desirable, option as it is generally viewed as “the high pressure which is the mark of a successful career person” and therefore has become somethin’ of a badge of status. What is somehow overlooked in all this is that much of the stress is needless anxiety they inflict upon themselves by worryin’ about such things as status and health foods.

  Perhaps it is because of the high-risk nature of my chosen profession, but I personally have no illusions of my own immortality. The way I see it, there are enough unpredictable things in life that can kill you that the only rational approach to life is to take what little pleasures youse can as they presents themselves, so that when your number comes up, you can at least die knowin’ you’ve had a full and happy life. I think that life should be more than an exercise in self-denial, and even if I was guaranteed that I could live forever by abstainin’, I’d probably continue my occasional indulgences. I mean, who wants to live forever... particularly if that life has been designed to be borin’ and devoid of pleasure?

  I am reflectin’ on this when a broad elbows her way in next to me at the bar. At first I think she is just really desperate for a drink, which as I said is understandable considerin’ the slow service, and step aside, usin’ my not-inconsiderable bulk to make room for her.

  “Got my target picked out for me?”

  It takes a second for me to realize that I am the one this question is bein’ addressed to, as she sez it casual without lookin’ at me direct.

  “Tananda?” I sez, lookin’ at her hard.

  She is wearin’ a different disguise tonight... a shoulder length cloud of dark curls and a dress made of some clingy fabric that... well, shows off everything she’s got underneath it.

  “Don’t look at me!” she hisses, quietly grindin’ a heel onto my toe to emphasize her point while glancin’ at the ceilin’. “We aren’t supposed to know each other... remember?”

  “Oh, right... sorry.”

  I go back to starin’ into my glass, doin’ my best to ignore her presence... which is not easy as the crowd is pressin’ a considerable amount of her against me as we’re standin’ there.

  “Okay, who’s our pigeon?”

  “You see the two broad shouldered guys at our table? The loud ones? I figure the one on the left will do you just fine.”

  Nunzio and I have decided on Shu Flie for our victim. Of the crew, we’re probably the least fond of the Flie brothers, and while either of them would probably serve our purposes, Shu is the more dominant and might start trouble if Tananda made a play for his brother instead of him. As our objective is to cause trouble between the army and the civilians, fightin’ within our own ranks would be counter-productive.

  “Who’s the yummy one across the table from the animals?”

  I sneak a peek behind me to be sure who she’s talkin’ about. “That? That’s Junebug. He used to be an actor or a dancer or somethin’.”

  “He’ll do,” she sez firmly, a predatory note creepin’ into her voice. I refrain from lookin’, but have a strong suspicion she is lickin’ her lips... mentally, if not physically.

  “I don’t think that’s such a hot idea, Tananda,” I sez. “There’s sort of a thing goin’ between him and Spyder. At least, she’s got a thing for him.”

  “Who?”

  “Spyder, The chick in uniform sittin’ next to him.”

  “That’s female?”

  While, as you know, I had much the same reaction the first time I met Spyder, for some reason it bothers me hearin’ it from Tananda.

  “Don’t let the hair fool you,” I sez. “She’s pretty tough.”

  “That’s sweet of you, Guido,” Tananda sez, misunderstandin’ what I was sayin’, “but the day I can’t hold my own against that, I’ll hang it up. Well, off to work.”

  “What I mean is...” I try to say, but Tananda is already gone, slitherin’ after Junebug like some kind of feline snake sidlin’ up to a drunk canary.

  This is just swell! While I suppose our “army vs. civilians” objective could be achieved by a cat fight between Tananda and Spyder, it wasn’t exactly what we had in mind when we planned this scenario.

  As it turns out, though, I needn’t have worried. Watchin’ from the bar, I see Junebug respond to Tananda’s come-on like a first offender latchin’ onto his lawyer, and instead of startin’ a fight, Spyder just stands up and stomps out of the place with a scowl on her face and her ears laid back in her multicolored hair.

  “Who’s that talking to your buddy?” Frumple sez, materializin’ in front of me.

  I make a big show of lookin’ back at our table.

  “Just a broad,” I shrug casual-like, signallin’ for a refill. “Why?”

  “No reason. For a minute there I thought she looked familiar is all.”

  He heads off down the bar to fetch my drink, leavin’ me a little uneasy. I tell myself there is no reason why the Deveel should recognize Tananda, as her current disguise bears no resemblance to her regular appearance. Still, he is an unstable element in the current equation, and I would just as soon keep him out of it entirely, if possible.

  “I thought we were targeting Shu Flie,” Nunzio sez, easin’ in beside me at the bar. It may have been crowded where we were, but people usually manage to make room for someone Nunzio’s size, especially if he’s talkin’ to someone my size.

  “We were,” I sez. “But Tananda has her own ideas on the subject.”

  “Well it sure put Spyder’s nose out of joint. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so mad. Unless it was the time...”

  “Hey... Abdul!”

  It was Junebug, standin’ right behind us tryin’ to get Frumple’s attention. He has his arm draped around Tananda’s shoulders, but if you look real close youse can see that she is actually holdin’ up most of his weight.

  “Yeah? What do you want?”

  Though he wasn’t particularly pleasant about it, the speed with which any of our crew could get the Deveel’s attention was evidence that he hadn’t forgotten we all knew his secret.

  “I... we need... a room.”

  “There aren’t any available.”

  Frumple starts to turn away, only to find his movement is restricted... specifically by my cousin who has reached across the bar and taken hold of his shoulder.

  “Give him a room,” Nunzio sez, soft-like.

  Now, when Nunzio talks quiet like that, it usually means he is about to lose his temper... which, in this case, is understandable. I mean, we have put an awful lot of trouble into this setup to have it thwarted by anything silly like room availability.

  “But there aren’t any...”

  “Give him the room you keep for yourself. You’re going to be too busy down here to use it for a while.”

  “I’m not that
busy,” the Deveel argues, tryin’ to twist out of Nunzio’s grip. “And if...”

  “You could be a lot busier... if you know what I mean,” Nunzio sez, startin’ to tighten his hand.

  “All right! Okay! Here!” Frumple sez, producin’ a key from his pocket and passin’ it to Junebug. “Last door on the right!”

  “Thanks, Nunzio,” Junebug calls over his shoulder as he and Tananda weave their way toward the stairs.

  My cousin waits until they are out of sight before he bothers to release his grip on Frumple.

  “Now, see how nice it makes you feel to bring a little happiness into someone else’s life?”

  The Deveel bares his teeth in a silent snarl, then heads off down the bar to tend to the growin’ number of shouters.

  “Well, that didn’t take long,” I sez, lookin’ at the stairs where Tananda and Junebug have vanished.

  “Not surprising, really,” Nunzio sez with a leer. “I mean, how long would you dawdle around if Tananda invited you into her room?”

  If you surmise from this that I have not given my cousin a complete account of my meetin’ with Tananda, you are correct. I decide to change the subject.

  “One question, cousin,” I sez, takin’ a sip of my drink. “How are we supposed to know when to intrude on the proceedin’s?”

  “I dunno, I guess we wait until we hear Tananda start callin’ for help.”

  I swivel my head around and stare at him.

  “Nunzio,” I sez, “has it occurred to you that with the racket goin’ on down here, she can shoot off a cannon and we won’t be able to hear her?”

  This brings a scowl to his face.

  “Good point,” he sez, borrowin’ a sip from my drink.

  “Good point? Is that all you got to say?” I am startin’ to get worked up now. “What do you think is gonna happen if we miss our cue and don’t break things up?”

  “Hmmm... well, if we don’t rescue her, then Tananda’s gonna have to deal with Junebug herself.”

  “...Which means one of our squad ends up in the hospital,” I finishes for him. “Either that or Tananda takes a bunch of lumps waitin’ for us to show up like we said we would.”

  “Like I said... good point.”

  “Well, I’m not gonna just sit here,” I sez, standin’ up. “You comin’ with me?”

  “You mean bust in on ‘em right now?”

  “That’s just what I mean. Why not? They’ve already been up there for a while.”

  At this point, I am besieged by mental images of Tananda bein’ pawed by Junebug... all the while callin’ vainly for us to help her.

  “Just a second, Guido,” Nunzio sez, then raises his voice. “Hey! Bee!”

  Our junior magician comes scuttlin’ over to us. “What is it, Nunzio?”

  “I want you to go out and find some police and bring them back here.”

  “Police? But why...”

  “Just do it! Okay?”

  “Sure, Nunzio. City police or Military Police?”

  “Both, if you can manage it. Now get going.”

  He turns to me as Bee goes sprintin’ out into the night. “All right, Guido. It’s party time!”

  IN OUR PLANNIN’, we had neglected to establish a means by which Tananda was to let us know which room they was gonna be in. (Oversights such as this is why I am usually willin’ to let someone else... like the Boss... do our plannin’ for us!) Fortuitously, the Deveel had given them directions loud enough for us to hear at the same time as he was handin’ them the key, so we have no trouble findin’ where we are supposed to be.

  “I don’t hear anything... do you?” Nunzio sez, cockin’ his head outside the door.

  By now, however, I am gettin’ a head of steam up and am in no mood to quibble over details.

  “Maybe you should have thought of that before you sent Bee for the cops,” I sez, backin’ up to get a runnin’ start. “But since you did, we are kinda committed to be there when the waltz starts... know what I mean?”

  “Well, just remember that the key to this working is to try to promote confusion whenever possible.”

  “That shouldn’t be hard,” I snarl, and launch myself at the door.

  I have specifically mentioned our objective of “confusion” so that youse folks readin’ this will not think your brains have suddenly gone Fruit Loops while tryin’ to sort out this next series of events... that is, it’s supposed to be “confusion”!

  Anyway, the door goes down, as doors are inclined to do when I hit them goin’ full tilt, and the two of us pile into the room... which I am not too busy to notice is considerably nicer than the room Frumple gave me yesterday.

  To our startlement, there is no altercation occurrin’ in the room... at least, not until we arrive. Tananda and Junebug are in a huddle on the sofa, but any noise she is makin’ is not screams of outrage. Still, as we have made our entrance, my cousin and me have little choice but to continue with the script as originally planned.

  Nunzio latches on to Junebug, liftin’ him clear of the sofa whilst I turns my attentions to Tananda.

  “Are you okay, lady??” I sez in my loudest voice, which projects pretty well thanks to my old drama coach. “Just take it easy!!”

  “Damn it, Guido! Not yet!!” she hisses, glarin’ at me as she struggles into a sittin’ position.

  Now, this is not part of our planned dialogue, and I glance over at Junebug quick like to see if he has noticed that Tananda has let it slip that we know each other. I need not have concerned myself.

  Nunzio is holdin’ Junebug high enough that his feet are not touchin’ the floor, hangin’ onto him by the front of his uniform while shakin’ him hard. Of course, on the out-stroke, he is also slammin’ our colleague into the wall in a repeated manner solidly enough to shake the buildin’. He has done this to me on a couple of occasions, so I can state from personal experience that while it may look like he is tryin’ to help you clear your head, the actualities of the situational is that after hittin’ the wall a few times, you’re lucky to remember your name, much less why he is carryin’ on in this manner.

  “Calm down, Junebug!” my cousin is shoutin’. “She isn’t worth it!! We don’t want no trouble!!!”

  Seein’ as how Junebug is distracted, which I can tell by the way his eyes are rollin’ around independent-like in his head, I turn my attention to Tananda once more.

  “Look, Tananda,” I growl, lowerin’ my voice so’s only she can hear me, “I apologize if our timin’ is less than exact. You can beat on me for it later. In the meantime, might I point out that the curtain is already up and you have been entrusted with a rather important role in our performance?”

  “But we w/ere just starting to...”she pauses here and draws a long, ragged breath. “Oh... All right!”

  With this, she reaches up, takes hold of the shoulder of her dress, and rips it diagonally across her body down to the hip... in doin’ so givin’ me a quick glimpse of a lot more of Tananda than it has previously been my privilege to view.

  “He was going to... Oh, it was just awful! What kind of people are you, anyway?” She pauses in her hysterics. “Guido!” she sez, urgent like.

  I am still starin’ at the portion of the dress she is now tryin’ to hold together with one hand.

  “Hmmm? Oh... Yeah! Just take it easy, lady!!” I sez, avertin’ my eyes as I am a little embarrassed. “He didn’t mean nothin’!!”

  “Get him away from me!!! Just get him away!!!”

  That cue I can remember.

  “Come on, Nunzio,” I sez. “Let’s get him out of here!”

  With that, we each grab Junebug by one arm and usher him out of the room through the crowd that’s startin’ to gather. I look back at Tananda and give her a wink, but she just sticks her tongue out at me quick-like before continuin’ her hysterics.


  “WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS?” she screams after us. “Letting animals like that mix with decent people...”

  I lose the rest of her performance as we are carryin’ Junebug down to the main floor by now.

  The crowd what has been outside the room was nothin’ compared to what was waitin’ for us in the bar. Everybody in the place is crowdin’ around to see what is goin’ on... well, crowdin’ at a distance like folks do when they don’t want to be right up close to the action. Toward the back, I can see the uniforms of some of the local constabulary, though they are havin’ trouble reachin’ us through the heavy traffic. Of the Military Police there is no sign... so I figure we will just have to start without them.

  “What’s going on up there?” Frumple demands, appearin’ at my side.

  “Here,” I sez out of the side of my mouth, pushin’ some money into his hand. “Take this.”

  “What’s this for?” he sez, scowlin’ at my offerin’.

  “That should cover the bar bill for our table since this afternoon.”

  “Your bar bill?” he frowns. “I don’t get it. We had a deal. I give you free drinks, and you don’t bust up my place or tell anyone... my secret.”

  “Don’t worry,” I sez, showin’ him a few teeth. “Your secret is safe.”

  “Then what... Hey! Wait a minute! You aren’t going to...”

  Just then, the police reach us.

  Now, earlier Nunzio and me was commentin’ how there wasn’t anyone in the bar who could give us a run for our money. This situational changes when these cops roll in. There are four of them, and while none of them looks particularly tough physically, bein’ uniformly soft around the middle, there is a steadiness in their eyes that anyone in the business can spot as the mark of someone what don’t get particularly rattled when trouble starts.

  “All right!” the biggest one of ‘em says, steppin’ up to us. “What’s going on here?”