‘How? I don’t understand,’ Lexi questioned, gripping onto my hand tightly and waiting for the explanation neither of us probably would ever want to hear. That made it real, too real.
‘The robbery. I had left my safe deposit key in the jewellery box and it had not occurred to me to check. I went to the bank today to get some money for tickets and the box was completely empty,’ she spluttered, the tears choking her every word. We both in unison reached out to her, and we all cried together in a huddle. JC’s contented sleep induced breathing the only sound in the room I wanted to focus on.
‘We will figure out something else, Mom, I promise. We will get away from him,’ Lexi assured, making me feel better instantly, and I hoped the positivity was rubbing off on our mother. Her face taut with worry, but trying to put a brave face on for our benefit, sat down with the coffee I had made her, holding JC while Lexi showered for dinner.
‘Mom, do you think dad had anything to do with the break in?’ I asked, though instantly regretted it. It was as though I had just planted a genetically modified seed amongst pure bred thoughts. Clearly, she had not thought about this already.
‘Your father is many things, sweetie, but this goes beyond anything he could ever do. I know there is no love lost between you too, but this. No, he couldn’t,’ she shook her head vigorously and I reached to claim JC, wanting innocent snuggles as she made phone calls to try to resolve our new nightmare situation.
Taking JC into the bathroom with me, I sat on the toilet as Lexi showered; just wanting to be close to the only thing I was ever sure of, my sister. As much as I loved my mother, her judgement and decision making where my dad was concerned seemed so off that I did not trust her anymore. That made me feel even worse, and I hugged Lexi tightly as she dried her hair.
‘Don’t worry, everything will be okay, I promise,’ she reassured, brushing her hair and taking JC while I showered. I just wanted to be lost in thoughts of things I had control over, but realised there was little.
Dinner was a solemn affair, mom picking at her food like a bird and me mirroring her anguish. Lexi tried to lighten the mood talking about JC and it helped somewhat, but by the end of the night I was glad when mom left to her friend and Seth.
‘What are we going to do, Lexi?’ I questioned, safe in the knowledge we were completely alone to use her real name.
‘Mom, will figure everything out, Caitlan, she promised,’ she assured, but that just made me feel even more uncertain.
‘I don’t think mom knows how to be away from dad, he has been such a huge part of her life, I fear she is scared to be without him. Having no money now either, I really don’t think she will be able to take the leap,’ I continued, rambling, but I knew I had a point and the look on Lexi’s face confirmed it. She knew exactly what I was saying was true, and she lay back on her bed with JC.
‘We only have to get through the next year and then you will go to the ballet and I will go to college. JC will be old enough to go in the college day care and we will just have to take loans and credit cards for our fees if financial aid won’t cover it,’ she started, suddenly looking more like mom than ever before.
‘We just need to stick together, but what about mom? Would we leave her and Seth here?’ I asked, the thought alone tearing me into a thousand pieces. How could we just leave them with him?
‘We will do everything we can for mom to come with us, but she is a grown woman and ultimately if she decides to stay with dad there is not much we can do. I think she is just scared though. If we are strong for her, she will be too.’ Lexi was so wise for someone so young and I hugged her, kissing them both.
Grabbing my pyjamas, I headed to the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. The sound of my phone, with an email, making me drop my toothbrush as I reached for it.
Sorry, Lexi, I have not been in touch. Things have been so bad with my mom. She is threatening to stop paying my tuition if I don’t end things with you. I love you and will be in touch very soon.
Always, Lucas.
I was flailing before under the weight of all the events emotions, but now, his mom who I had not even met wanted him to end it with me. The sudden hatred for a person I did not know, so consuming I threw the phone into the wall, watching as the screen cracked and the pieces fell out. Just as I felt my heart was being torn to shreds.
‘What happened?’ Lexi shouted, opening the bathroom door and pulling me into her arms as I cried hysterically for the boy that had turned my life around and was now leaving me. For the father I had turned away from and now despised me as much as I him. For my sister alone and raising a baby and my mother too afraid to walk away from her marriage.
I cried until there was nothing left and Lexi just held me like JC, as he slept peacefully in the other room, unaware of how our lives were falling apart at the seams.
Dreams filled my head that night. No longer my sister being pulled away from me, but a blonde woman throwing me into a cage and tossing the key away.
‘You thought you could take him away from me. I will destroy you.’
Waking up I clung onto my sweat-covered nightgown, tossing it across the room as I climbed into the shower. Switching it on full blast, I stared at the glass frame misting up inch by inch as the temperature increased.
Reaching for the soap, I scrubbed myself clean. I may not have any control over anything else, but I would not lose Lucas. No matter what. He was everything that made me the person I so wanted to be. As much as dancing was a part of my soul, so was he. We were intrinsically linked in ways I could not even understand let alone explain. He was my past, my present and my future and I would find a way to be with him.
It was my only hope.
Lexi – returning ghosts
I awoke before JC and reaching to check the time, decided to grab a quick coffee. Pulling the paper open to the job section, I perused each advertisement carefully. If I could just help earn some money, maybe mom would not feel so bleak about everything.
Taking the last sip of the brown goodness that was now fuelling me every day I heard JC stirring.
Popping him onto the boob, I watched Caitlan sleeping peacefully for the first time all night. She had been tossing and turning, clearly haunted by dreams as much as I was.
‘Hey, morning,’ I whispered, noting one eye opening.
‘Hey, wow, he is up early,’ Caitlan yawned, checking the time. Six am was sleeping in for me now and I marvelled at the realisation just how much my life had changed in such a short span of time.
‘Mom has text messaged to say the house will be finished and we can go home today,’ I advised, both relieved and a little apprehensive at the same time.
‘Great, well let’s check out the pool before we go,’ she suggested, eyes suddenly dancing alive.
‘Stitches remember,’ rolling my eyes at her playfully. Showering had become an Olympic task trying to keep them dry, though I would be due a check-up in a couple of days and hopefully they would remove them, if they had not dissolved by then.
‘Oh, sorry, of course. Well, maybe we could go to the park across the road for a little walk, if you are feeling up to it?’ Taking JC out of my arms, she winded him like a pro and changed his diaper. I was so lucky to have this support system, not many families would have been as understanding as mine had, excluding dad of course.
My only saving grace with him was that he thought I was my sister, something I was only too aware of. What Caitlan had done for me, for JC, was more than I could ever have been worthy of and I would not forget her sacrifice, ever.
‘What is it? You look miles away,’ she questioned, waving her hand in front of my face to bring me back from my musing.
‘Nothing just tired. Let’s go grab some breakfast and head out,’ I gestured, placing JC in the ergo, who was happily falling asleep again and walked hand in hand with my soul sister to breakfast.
We both ordered the same, as usual and after devouring our bacon croissants, fruit and more coffee, declared o
urselves sufficiently stuffed; leaving the hotel shortly after.
The sun was shining through from the storm last night and I hugged JC close as the wind picked up. The fallen leaves from the storm were blowing against my legs and the smell of the roses wafted through, reminding me of my mother’s bathroom. Her favourite flower was roses and as such, all our hand wash products and everything else she could find was rose scented.
‘I have been thinking about the whole mom situation and with my wages from the restaurant, plus anything you can make, we should really be able to help her out,’ Caitlan declared, having noted the newspaper I left open back at the room. ‘If we can work our shifts out, I can watch JC for you while you work,’ she continued, sounding so much older, the months had certainly aged us both, emotionally. ‘I have enough credits that I can finish school six months early and work the last six months full time at the restaurant. That should give us a chunk of a new nest egg, she reiterated, visibly nodding as though the decision was already made.
‘It all sounds great, there is just one thing you are forgetting,’ I replied, watching her face puzzle over. ‘Mom has to agree to you finishing school early,’ I explained and sensed her considering her response carefully.
‘It will be fine, I will explain everything, but I’m seventeen at the end of the day, she can’t stop me.’ Sounding more and more resolute by the second, as much as I knew she had a battle ahead of her, it felt good to see her so confident in herself.
‘What jobs do you think you want to do?’ she questioned and after surveying the slim pickings available, I would be grateful for anything.
‘Maybe chambermaid or store cashier, what do you think? I thought they may work with your hours at the restaurant best,’ I concluded, hearing our plan coming together by the second was filling me with hope. Not wanting to dwell on when Caitlan left for college and dance school, I focused solely on the here and now.
‘Sounds perfect. Well, we had better get back. Mom will be waiting,’ she confirmed, taking my hand and walking us through the park.
Mom was waiting at the reception area and after checking us out; she re-joined us in the car.
‘Girls, I want to apologise for my behaviour last night.
It was unacceptable to load all my problems onto you both and I am so sorry,’ she gushed, welling up with tears. I reached to hug her and reassure everything was fine when Caitlan chose that moment to fill mom in on our discussions this morning. Talking ten to the dozen, I watched as mom’s face pivoted from deep admiration, horror, back to a resolute normal tempo.
‘Well, that is quite a plan, girls. I think I need to digest this a little, but I respect your decision, Lexi, and as much as I wish I could turn the clock back, you are getting older now. I have to remember just how mature and simply breath-taking you are both becoming. I am the luckiest and proudest mother to have such amazing daughters,’ she gushed, the tears flowing down all our faces as the sky turned from sunlight to storm within minutes.
Mom’s phone ringing and the caller id being dad, we all held our breath as she picked up and informed him we were returning home shortly. I noticed that her tone was brisk with him and as this was something he would not have experienced very often, I wondered how he felt momentarily. Until all the years of abuse came thundering back as quickly as the storm that was now following us as we pulled out onto the main road. Nothing could justify that, nothing.
Picking Seth up on the way, we parked on the drive and all stared at the house. Everyone seemed as reluctant to go in as each other, and JC filling his diaper made it inevitable sooner rather than later.
‘Let us show, Caitlan, the nursery, Lexi,’ she smiled, trying to lighten the mood, and we all ascended the stairs, Seth included, holding Caitlan’s hand that little bit tighter than normal.
Opening the door, I could not believe the transformation. Caitlan had painted an under the sea theme based on the movie we both loved, The Little Mermaid. I was speechless. The white crib and changing table were strategically placed amongst the aquatic sea life decals with a rocking chair next to a passing school of fish. She had washed all of JC’s new clothing and placed it in the closet and dresser for me, including laying out his bedding, a nautical theme with mobile above of shells and sea life.
‘This is amazing, I can’t believe you did all this,’ I blubbered, hugging both my sister and mother at the same time.
‘I painted the whale,’ Seth announced joining in to receive his hugs of gratitude. The moment was so perfect, I felt forlorn that we would be leaving all of this in a years’ time. Sensing this, my sister piped up.
‘Don’t worry, I will re-paint our new place just the same for you, or different if you like,’ grinning sheepishly and winking, I kissed her on the forehead and started changing JC’S diaper on his new changing station.
After settling him down for a nap, I lay on my bed, so grateful to be back in my room, despite the fears that were always close by. Feeling exhausted, I drifted off to sleep, peeking one last time at JC in his bassinet next to my bed and let sleep devour me.
Waking three hours later to JC stirring, I breastfed and changed his diaper, scooping him up into the new Tula wrap I had got as a gift at my baby shower and headed downstairs. Seth was on the Playstation and smiled, cooing at JC as I passed, amazed that he would stop his game for him, but how could anyone resist his sweet cheeks.
‘Hey, I fell asleep. How is everyone?’ I asked, taking a seat at the table with my mother and sister.
‘Everything is great. Mom has spoken to grandma, and she is lending us some money for school,’ Caitlan began; the look of relief on her face filling the void that I knew would be empty momentarily. She was paying for Caitlan to leave to New York.
‘That is good news,’ I replied, happy for her, but miserable at the same time.
‘Did you explain why you needed the money, Mom,’ curious what story she would have given to justify needing it, knowing my dad usually covered all our expenses.
‘Don’t worry about that, sweetie, money concerns are a mother’s worry, not yours. Now, do you both need anything from the store?’ she asked, quickly changing the subject. I wondered whether that was a mother skill, and if I would be able to do the same with JC to stop the follow up questions.
‘No, I’m good thanks, Mom,’ she rubbed my shoulder as she gathered up her belongings, persuading Seth to go with her, for ice cream and left just as the mail arrived.
‘Here is something for you,’ Caitlan confirmed, handing me over my mail. One was a letter from the college I had visited, confirming my acceptance, pending the tuition payment. I sighed at that and opened the next one, having to sit down at the name written.
‘What is it?’ Caitlan asked, sensing my unease as I perused the letter diligently.
‘It is from JC’s dad. He is home and wants to meet up,’ I explained, my heart thundering in my ears. It would be so easy to meet up with him and load some of the financial responsibilities of taking care of JC onto him. I knew I never would and screwing the letter up, I threw it onto the fire my mother had lit to take the chill off the air for JC.
‘I take it, that is a no then,’ Caitlan mused, staring at me as though she was trying to decipher a code that was missing key strands.
‘That is a no. He has a life, a career, something I can’t expect him to give up for me and I would never ask that. It is for the best,’ I justified my decision and tried to reassure myself I was doing the right thing. I would have to explain to JC one day why I did what I did and the choices I made afterwards.
The front door bell ringing distracted us both, jumping in response, as I pulled myself together and went to open it. I smiled at the huge bouquets of flowers awaiting me.
‘Thank you,’ I advised, taking the flowers inside to my sister whose mouth gaped open. A bouquet of roses and lilies with a blue bow were addressed to Lexi and a bouquet of sunflowers to Caitlan. I slipped my finger into the card and pulling it out, read the message aloud.
‘To Caitlan, on the birth of your beautiful son, may you both always have sunlight in your lives. Call again anytime, Nic,’ I read, my pulse audible.
‘Oh wow, mine is from Lucas. Lexi, he still wants me,’ she confirmed, incredulous with the notion.
‘Oh course he does, silly,’ I teased, placing my flowers in water and putting them next to my bed.
After feeding JC and playing with him, following the flowers, as much as a newborn can, he fell asleep shortly after and I curled up next to him, dreaming of Nic.
Caitlan – last day
I awoke before my alarm, so eager for this day to start and end. The past six months I had been marking off on the calendar with a red x, so glad to finally be done with high school.
Quickly changing into jeans and a red casual top I threw my hair into a bun and headed to the kitchen. Lexi was already up and making breakfast for JC and I joined him at the table as he tried to mash his banana onto my arm.
‘Hey, I have to wear this today, young man,’ I scolded, teasingly, his beautiful blue eyes and dimpled cheeks warming every bleak part of me.
‘You ready for the big day?’ Lexi asked, piling my plate with strawberry pancakes and passing me the syrup. I mused before replying. Was I ready? Hell yes.
‘Oh for sure, Lex, a bit nervous about starting work later, but definitely ready,’ I confirmed, nodding in agreement, as though I was trying to convince myself. I had been training exclusively and today would be my first real customers.
It had been intense and I could now serve royalty, it felt like without concern. But the one thing I was looking forward to the most was the tips. Lexi had been working at a nearby hotel as a chambermaid, saving everything she made to help with our moving plans and now I could add more too.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 19