Dark Heart Surrender

by Lee Monroe

  I shrugged. ‘Who knows?’ I lied. ‘We’re over. It’s over. He said he wanted to travel. He left a few days ago.’

  ‘I can’t believe that,’ she said. ‘He just … left you?’

  I nodded, a studied sanguine expression on my face.

  ‘To be honest, I’m relieved,’ I told her. ‘There was always a weird kind of vibe about Luca. A little bit dangerous, you know?’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Polly looked gripped. ‘Dangerous. Yeah, I get that. Are you sure he didn’t tell you where he was going?’

  ‘Positive,’ I said firmly. ‘We didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Polly, and she stared down at her untouched food. ‘I guess some people turn out to be wrong. You know, not quite who you thought they were.’

  ‘I guess so.’ I sighed again, rechecking my watch. ‘Look, I really have to go.’ I got up and swung my bag over my shoulder. ‘I’m glad we had this talk. I think I understand you a little better now, too.’

  ‘You do?’ Polly still looked dazed. ‘Cool.’

  ‘See you around – maybe at the half-term party?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ she said. ‘But Ade will be there.’

  ‘Great,’ I said, inwardly noting to give him a wide berth.

  ‘I have to be somewhere too,’ said Polly. ‘My mum is supposed to be planning Pete’s funeral, but she’s not exactly with it at the moment.’

  ‘I’d like to come,’ I said, without thinking, ‘to Pete’s funeral.’

  ‘I’ll talk to my family,’ said Polly. ‘I think Mum wants a private do – but I’ll see.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, turning to head for my next class. ‘You do that.’

  CHAPTER FORTY

  Luca looked in on his sister, fast asleep, though still clutching one of her precious books. Her feet were nearly sticking over the end of the bed, she’d grown so much since he’d last seen her. He smiled. His heart was full of lead and he couldn’t imagine ever feeling again that freedom, that happiness that he’d felt with Jane. But seeing his sister made coming home a less dismal prospect.

  He moved away from the doorway. He was uncertain where to go, sure that his old bedroom would be full of household clutter.

  ‘Luca?’ Dalya’s voice, bleary came from her bed. ‘Is that you?’

  He stepped inside the bedroom. ‘Ssh. Go back to sleep,’ he said.

  Dalya sat up. ‘What’s happened?’ she said. ‘Luca?’

  He sat down at the end of her bed. ‘Everything is going to be fine,’ he whispered. ‘I just came back for a visit. That’s all.’

  Dalya gave him a shrewd look. She reached to her side and turned on her bedside lamp.

  ‘Something’s happened,’ she said. ‘I know it has.’

  Luca sighed. ‘It’s nothing. Just a bit of trouble on Mortal Earth.’

  Dalya rolled her eyes. ‘Not more trouble.’ She sighed. ‘Is this about the Vulpecula?’

  Luca hesitated. It had always been pointless trying to keep anything from Dalya. And it was so tempting to unburden himself to someone who knew him so well. But she was still his little sister. He didn’t want her to know everything.

  ‘I had to leave,’ he said. ‘Jane and I – we … well, something went wrong.’

  ‘Wrong?’ Dalya was wide awake now. ‘But you two are so close. What on earth could have happened?’

  ‘It does have something to do with the Vulpecula – I think.’ He sighed deeply. ‘But I can’t think straight any more … I don’t know whether it’s just wrong between us, or whether something bad has got to us.’

  ‘Luca, this is not like you.’ Dalya looked alarmed. ‘You have always been so clear-headed. You love Jane. She loves you.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I do.’ He put his head in his hands. ‘Of course I do. But something has changed.’ He stared at her – a woman, but still young, still unaware of the complications that can tangle up a relationship. ‘Dalya, it’s so hard to be a good person … a good man. It is so much harder than I thought it would be.’

  Dalya shook her head impatiently. ‘But you have always stood strong – and you are stronger than this. I don’t see what is so complicated that you can’t work it out.’

  He knew she was right. There was nothing wrong with him and Jane. What was wrong was something intangible. Like a thick, evil mist covering all rational behaviour.

  ‘I’m frightened, Dalya. Jane is in danger. We’re both caught up in this old vendetta. But it’s done something to us. Played with our minds. One minute we can be full of determination, the next we’re helpless, submissive, under the spell of something …’ He trailed off, his forehead creased with worry.

  ‘You need to speak to Father.’ Dalya drew closer to him. ‘Ulfred needs to be aware of what is happening on Mortal Earth. He can help …’

  ‘But will he?’ Luca shook his head. ‘Jane is not his flesh and blood. And while I am here, she is the only one in danger. I’m not sure he would help.’

  Dalya was silent. She reached across and took his hand. Her natural empathy, as ever, strong in times of crisis. He squeezed it back, comforted. Looking into her dark eyes, he realized just how much he had missed her sharp intelligence, her knack of getting right to the heart of a problem. He was proud of her.

  ‘You have grown into a fine girl,’ he said quietly. ‘Truly.’

  An impish smirk appeared on her face. ‘Are you paying me a compliment, brother?’

  ‘Don’t let it fill your head.’ He let go of her hand, grinning, glad of the familiar, familial dynamic. Dalya wrapped a shawl around herself and yawned.

  ‘And how is Lowe?’ Luca hardly dared ask what his brother had been up to.

  Dalya rolled her eyes. ‘Thank the Celestials, he is away on a hunting expedition with his horrible friends. He will be gone for weeks.’ She sighed contentedly at the thought. ‘Freedom.’

  ‘Don’t judge him too harshly,’ Luca said smiling. ‘He is a mass of adolescent confusion.’

  ‘Is that what they call it?’ Dalya said, dry as a bone. ‘He is driving even Henora to distraction these days. He has his sights set on some girl – a young Hunter who came to visit with the parents a while ago.’

  ‘Lowe is in love?’ Luca laughed. ‘Thank the Angels for that. It may bring out a more tender side of him.’

  ‘I doubt it.’ Dalya shook her head, looking down at her quilt and then back up at him, her expression turning more solemn. ‘I really don’t wish to talk about his silly infatuation. I am worried about you, brother. You must ask for help.’

  ‘Yes. I know. And I will talk to Ulfred, I promise. But not tonight.’ He felt horribly sad; the prospect of losing Jane again was unbearable. He got up from Dalya’s bed. ‘Is there anywhere I can sleep tonight?’

  Dalya stared at him as though he were simple. ‘Of course, silly! Your bedroom.’

  ‘You mean Henora hasn’t filled it with needlework baskets and laundry to iron?’ he said, more jovially than he felt.

  ‘Henora has kept it as you left it, like a creepy shrine to her favourite child,’ Dalya whispered in a ghoulish tone.

  Luca smiled, glad at least that his mother had not cut him from her thoughts. ‘I am going to sleep then,’ he told his sister. ‘I could sleep a thousand weeks.’

  Dalya got up suddenly and threw her arms around him. ‘I will all your happiness to return. And your fears to disappear.’

  ‘Thank you, Dalya,’ he said, hugging her tight. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  ‘You don’t look very dressed up,’ Dot said as I appeared in the kitchen. A cut-off denim mini, leggings and some vintage cowboy boots was hardly making an effort – though I was wearing a silky black sleeveless T-shirt in a pathetic bid for glamour. It had been too big for me a year ago but now fitted me a little too well. As I looked down I saw my cleavage was a lot more visible than usual. I swiped playfully at Dot and moved back out of the kitchen to examine myself in the full-length hall
mirror. I’d gone for understated with my make-up and let my long hair dry naturally, backcombing it just a little.

  ‘Rock chick,’ Dot decided. ‘Isn’t that kind of over?’

  ‘Who cares?’ I said, shrugging. ‘I don’t. At least not about what anyone at the college thinks of me, anyway.’

  Turning back into the kitchen, I caught the look that passed between my mother and Dot. Wary yet sympathetic summed it up.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK, darling?’ Mum said, coming towards me. ‘I mean, you don’t have to go along to this half-term party thing. It’s not been long since Luca left. You must be feeling a little vulnerable still.’

  ‘I think she should go,’ Dot said confidently. ‘You shouldn’t let men affect your self-esteem, should you?’ She sighed in a knowing manner.

  Mum and I exchanged an amused look.

  ‘What do you know about it, madam?’ Mum tousled Dot’s blonde curls.

  ‘It’s obvious. If one boy doesn’t want you, then there’ll always be another one round the corner. I heard Mrs Ashcroft telling Miss Connor that outside the staff room yesterday. Mrs Ashcroft is married, so she must know what she’s talking about, right?’

  Mum laughed. ‘I suppose she must.’ She pursed her lips at me. ‘I think your little sister has a fine career as a relationships counsellor ahead of her.’

  ‘A fine career as a busybody more like.’ I fake-glared at Dot, but I wasn’t mad. I’d told my family that it had been Luca’s decision to go, not mine. It was easier somehow; it meant I didn’t have to explain my reasons. Though I did feel a twinge of guilt. Luca didn’t deserve to be the bad guy. Even if I didn’t trust him any more.

  ‘I’m fine, Mum,’ I reassured her. ‘It’s not exactly my thing, but I think I should go. It doesn’t look good on uni applications if you’re an antisocial weirdo. I need to at least look like I’m normal.’

  ‘Of course you’re normal.’ Mum was wearing an expression I hadn’t seen since Sarah Forrest had bullied me relentlessly at my old school. I couldn’t put her through that kind of worry again.

  ‘Kidding!’ I said. ‘Now, is someone going to drive me to this party or what?’

  I heard the music coming from the main school auditorium as I got out of Dad’s car, tugging at my skirt, wishing I could get right back in and go home.

  ‘Want me to pick you up later?’ Dad asked, leaning over the passenger seat towards me. ‘Or are you getting a lift with your friends?’

  Friends? What friends exactly? But the new, older, less afraid Jane shook off the response that the younger Jane would have made.

  ‘Yeah. I’ll tag along with somebody,’ I told him. ‘But I probably won’t be late.’

  ‘Enjoy yourself,’ he said, and it felt a little like an order. ‘You deserve to have some fun.’

  Slamming the car door shut, I waited until his rear lights had disappeared before I turned and walked through the college gates. Luca had left his leather jacket behind and I wrapped it around myself, like a comforter, breathing in the smell of him that still lingered in the battered old leather.

  ‘I miss you, Luca,’ I whispered to myself as I strode in the direction of the music.

  Inside the auditorium, the lights were dimmed; a DJ stood up on the stage playing some Dubstep track, while a few confident students were already on the dance floor – no one I knew though. Perversely I wished that Polly had come. At least there would be a fellow outsider to keep me company.

  But then she wasn’t an outsider like me. She was a very different kind of outcast. And if I thought about it for two seconds, given all that had happened, I didn’t want to be anywhere near Polly Ellis.

  I scanned the room and finally saw Ashley, her arm draped around Ade’s shoulders, sitting at one of the small tables at the side of the auditorium. I squinted to check his expression. Slightly bored summed it up, though as Ashley bent to whisper something in his ear, he did smile, if a little half-heartedly. Ashley straightened up, coiling a lock of hair in her fingers, as though she was nervous. I saw her eyes travel about the room and then catch sight of me.

  I lifted a hand in an attempt at a friendly wave, hoping she wouldn’t blank me. She hesitated before waving back and I thought I saw a look of relief in her face. Emboldened, I walked over, cutting past the moving dancers, and arrived at their table.

  ‘Is this seat taken?’ I spoke in a determinedly bright tone as I pulled out an empty chair.

  ‘Jane – great you could make it.’ Ade leaned forward and shrugged off Ashley’s arm. I couldn’t help but see her slighted expression, but I pretended I hadn’t, for the moment at least.

  ‘I thought I’d check it out.’ I barely looked at him, instead focusing all my attention on my friend. ‘And I’m so glad you’re here,’ I told her. ‘I feel like I don’t know anyone else.’

  Ashley smiled, grateful for the gesture. ‘Well, you can put that right tonight maybe?’ She grinned – and it was genuine. I grinned back. ‘Though you’ll never be able to hear anything over the music. It’s way too loud for talking.’

  ‘Luca isn’t with you?’ Ade asked casually. Turning back to him, equally casually, I couldn’t be sure if he was being sarcastic or not. Had Polly not told him that Luca had gone?

  ‘Not tonight.’ I bit my lip. ‘Not his kind of thing, I guess.’

  Ade picked up the bottle of beer in front of him and took a swig. ‘I wonder what is his kind of thing?’ he said. ‘He’s a hard one to get to know.’

  And you’ll never get the chance, I said inside my head. Not now, not ever. Outwardly, I shrugged good-naturedly. ‘He’s a little shy,’ I said. ‘And very private.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Though I was determinedly not looking at him, I could feel Ade’s eyes boring into me.

  ‘Actually, I think I might dance,’ I told them, unzipping my jacket. I looked at Ash. ‘Want to come with? I feel stupid on my own.’

  Ashley hesitated, clearly wanting Ade to give her some sign that he cared what she did. I wasn’t surprised to see the look of complete indifference on his face. He just reached out for his beer again and stared straight ahead of him.

  ‘OK then,’ Ashley said with a hint of a sigh. ‘But I really don’t know how to dance to this kind of music.’

  ‘Neither does anyone else,’ I told her dryly, ‘so we’ll fit right in.’

  I saw Ade’s lips curl up into an appreciative smile at that remark and cursed myself for making it. The last thing I wanted was for him to pay me more attention than Ashley. I tugged at her hand, half dragging her to the middle of the dance floor.

  ‘You look amazing,’ I shouted over the noise. ‘Really pretty.’ Ashley smiled and looked as though she was going to cry for a second. ‘Thanks, honey,’ she said, squeezing my hand. ‘I was beginning to wonder if I should have worn something different.’

  ‘Why?’ I frowned. She did look great – in a Party Barbie kind of way. She wore a hot-pink bodycon dress that looked a little like a neon bandage, but she had the figure for it, anyone could see that – even if she had gone a little overboard on the bronzer.

  Her face fell, just a little. ‘I don’t know. I think Ade thinks I look a bit tarty,’ she said.

  ‘Did he say something?’ I stopped moving.

  Ashley didn’t reply for a second, turning her head slightly away from me, as though she was embarrassed.

  ‘His exact words were “Decided not to hang on to any mystery then?”’ She finally looked at me in the eye as she spoke. ‘Kind of mean, don’t you think?’

  My instinct told me to walk back to Ade, grab his beer and upend it all over him, but I needed to be careful. I had alienated Ashley before by being down on Ade. I had some bridges to build.

  ‘Well, maybe he thought it was funny?’ I said softly. ‘You know what boys are like. They’re tactless sometimes. And when they’re nervous, they say stupid things.’

  Ashley continued to stare at me. ‘Luca doesn’t say things like th
at, though, does he?’

  I opened my mouth, again, carefully selecting my words. ‘Yeah, well, Luca is exceptional,’ I told her. ‘He’s not the norm.’ And as I said it, it hit me, like a punch in the stomach. Luca was exceptional. He was the bravest, kindest boy I had ever met. And I had just lost him – maybe for good.

  ‘Jane?’ Ash put her hand on my face. ‘You’re crying! Honey, what’s the matter?’

  At the kindness in her words, I realized more tears were coming and, though I fought hard to stop them, I couldn’t.

  ‘I’m OK,’ I said, shaking my head, as if that would work. ‘Really. I don’t know why I’m crying …’

  ‘Come and sit back down then,’ she said gently.

  But as I turned to see Ade staring straight at us, his eyes focused particularly on me, I knew there was no way I wanted him to see me crying.

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ I said as briskly as I could manage. ‘I’m just going to the Ladies. I must have mascara all over my face. I’ll see you back here in a minute. I’m OK, really. Don’t worry.’

  ‘You’re sure?’ She hugged me and, as she tucked her blonde head against mine, I heard her whisper. ‘You know I am always here for you, Jane. I’m your friend.’

  ‘I know.’ I hugged her back, realizing I didn’t want to let go. But I did, eventually.

  ‘See you in five,’ I said, turning for the exit. ‘Don’t go away.’

  I had washed my face and put on some tinted moisturizer. At least I looked normal – except for my eyes, which looked kind of dead and sad. Like a melancholy grey sea under an overcast sky.

  I sighed, reaching into my bag for some eye-liner, when suddenly the lights went out. The bathroom was pitch-black and I could only just make out my eerie reflection in the mirror. I felt for the light switch, pressing it up and down repeatedly – but nothing.

  There must have been a power cut. The music had stopped too. I groped for the door handle and stepped outside. There was no sound coming from anywhere.

  Odd.

  The corridors were deserted as I crept along them, my heart in my mouth. The place was eerie at night; all those abandoned classrooms, the sound of a loud clock ticking like a bomb coming from one of them.