Blindness

by Ginger Scott

  He stands then to look at me, and I lay there with my hands reaching for the top of the mattress, above my head. I’m starting to feel shy and nervous, when Cody finally talks.

  “I don’t want you to think it has anything to do with how you look, right now, right here in my bed, but I just want you to know, I love you, Charlie,” he says, his eyes serious. “You have no idea how many nights I’ve dreamt of this. How many nights I laid here and closed my eyes, pretending, wishing and so goddamned jealous. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.”

  Not able to take it, I sit up and thrust myself at him, kissing his lips to stop him from denying us any more time. “Stop it, Cody. Don’t say that,” I say. “You do deserve me. We deserve each other. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be you all along. It was always supposed to be you, Cody.”

  He bites his lip at my words, and I slide my hands from around his neck down to his jeans. I unbuckle his belt first, and then find the button and zipper while I kiss along his chest, following the trail of his tattoos. I’m a little nervous when I let his jeans fall and push his underwear down with them. Trevor’s the only man I’ve ever been with, the only man I’ve ever seen. And everything was always comfortable, easy—ordinary—with him. I’m not sure what to expect with Cody, and I hope I can measure up to what he’s had before.

  I don’t look, but instead gulp loudly, trying to calm my nerves. I slide my fingertips along his stomach until I reach lower and find him hard and ready. I don’t look—I can’t—as I wrap my hand fully around the length of him, touching him softly and tenderly. His eyes close at my contact, and I give myself a brief glance—mostly because I’m scared of his size. I can see the large scar that runs up the length of his thigh, it’s purple and deep, and I know it hurts. But I don’t want him to think I notice; I don’t want him to think I care at all about his imperfection. It’s quite the opposite, really—I think it makes him that much more perfect.

  When I look up, I find Cody staring at me, taking in my face—never my eyes, but all other parts of me. He reaches up to wrap one of my curled locks around his fingers, and he smirks as he does.

  “I remember doing this, you know. That night of my party? When I was drunk off my ass? I don’t remember a lot, but I remember the way your hair felt in my fingers. I’ve wanted to just reach out and touch it so many times,” he says, licking his lips lightly while he watches my hair unravel from his hand and fall along my bare breasts.

  “I’m yours,” I say to him, meaning every bit of those two small words, and the four I follow them up with. “I love you, Cody.”

  He pushes me back to the bed and follows me, slowly lowering his body over mine. I’m shivering from my nerves, but I tell him it’s because I’m cold, and he rubs his hands along my arms and neck, into my hair, trying to warm me. He kisses his way along my jaw until he stops again at my lips, speaking with barely any breath at all. “In my drawer…condom,” he says, and I reach to my left and slide his drawer open, feeling around until I find it. I tear the package with my teeth and hand it to him.

  I hold my breath as he slides it on, and my head is swirling from the adrenaline coursing through me. My heart is beating so loudly, I’m sure Cody can feel it. He brings his forehead to mine again and kisses me lightly on the lips as he slowly slides forward until I feel the tip of him enter me. I cry out, and he stops, opening his eyes to look at me, to make sure I’m okay.

  “More—I need all of you,” I say, gripping at his back with desperation. I’m so terrified that something is going to end this—take Cody away from me right here and now, before I know him intimately. And I can’t bear the thought. I thrust my hips, forcing him to move into me more, and he gasps when I do.

  “Jesus, Charlie. It’s so much better than I thought,” he says, rocking back out from me, only to enter me again. Each time we meet, we both lose our breath, panting and fighting for air while our bodies slide together. My eyes are actually tearing from the pleasure, and I want to feel more of him, to see him, watch him, and know if he’s feeling the same way I am.

  I wrap my legs around him completely, and when he reaches for my thigh, I urge him onto his back so I can sit up completely and continue our rhythm. His entire body is on fire, his skin hot to the touch, and I lean forward as I move my hips back and forth along the length of him so I can press my lips to his neck. He grabs the sides of my face as I do and brings me to look at him.

  “I want to look at you, and I want you to see me…what you do to me,” he says, his voice cracking and his breathing heavy and ragged. “Your touch, Charlie, is it for me. You’re the end of me—and the beginning. And I will fight for you; I will always fight for you.”

  I can’t help the small tear that falls from my eye when he speaks, and he reaches up with his thumb to wipe it away. I grab his hand as he does and kiss his fingers softly, pushing his thumb in my mouth so I can suck on it lightly. My entire body is on the verge, and I know the next time he pushes into me will be the one to force me over the edge. And I’m begging for it, whimpering with each tease, until he finally moves inside of me with force, and I completely lose all control, collapsing against his body with cries as I feel him throb inside of me.

  “Oh my god, Charlie. It’s so good…you feel so good,” he says, burying his face in my hair and holding my head to his tightly.

  Words escape me; instead, I cry out his name and just breathe, hard and steady, until every nerve in my body feels satisfied. We don’t move for several minutes and just lay there together, still connected, and running our fingertips along one another’s backs and arms. Cody’s the first to break when he tilts my head up and brushes my damp hair to the side, kissing my forehead between my eyes. “Let me shower with you…please?” he says, making a puppy dog face, an adorable new one I’ve never seen him make before. I nod yes, and he rolls to the side of the bed and tells me to join him when I’m ready.

  I wait for the water to heat up. I enter the bathroom and slide open the small door to his shower. It’s a tight space, so we have to hold one another under the water. Cody doesn’t waste any time and starts kissing me the moment I touch him. They’re different kisses—not the needy ones from moments ago. These feel familiar and adoring.

  “Stay. Stay tonight. I know…” he pauses, swallowing hard, and looking up at the ceiling to let out a big breath. “I know you still have things…unfinished things you need to take care of. But I can’t be without you tonight. I want to hold you, feel you, wake up at strange hours and have you here. So just stay…just tonight. Please?”

  My pulse is racing with panic from everything Cody just said. Trevor—I haven’t thought about Trevor once since I ran from the club into the rain-slicked city streets. I sent him that text, and he could be looking for me, and he could burst in here at any moment. But I look at Cody’s eyes, and they’re beseeching me. And I want to stay, more than I’ve ever wanted to be anywhere.

  “I’ll stay. But tomorrow…I need to talk to him,” I say, purposely not saying his name. I know if I do, I won’t be able to go through with tonight—that I’ll spend the next hours awake, and filled with worry. And I want to fulfill my dreams tonight, here in Cody’s arms.

  Cody shuts the water off and wraps my body in a towel, kissing my head as he spins me around to face him. “Tomorrow,” he says, smiling, and brushing his thumb over my cheek and bottom lip, pulling my chin to him and bringing me into another full kiss.

  He gives me a soft shirt from one of his bike tours to wear to bed, and I take in his smell as I pull it over my body. I’m never giving it back, and I might wear it under everything I own.

  The room is dark when I leave the bathroom, but I can see the bed. Cody’s holding his quilt up high for me to crawl into him, and after I do, he reaches over me to turn on the lamp. I smile when I see the small paper still taped to the shade, the tiny holes making the celestial miracle on his ceiling. I can’t help the smile that spans my face when I look up at his stars, and I also can’t ke
ep my eyes from falling closed. I’m no match for my exhaustion, despite how badly I want to lay awake to take in every ticking second of my night with Cody.

  But as I fade, I look into his eyes once more, and watch him stroke my hair and look at me with nothing but love. I know he will spend the night doing exactly that, and somehow I don’t want to take that away from him. I let him be the one to capture it all, and I let my lids fall shut for a final time, not cracking them once until morning.

  Chapter 16: Abrupt and Sudden

  There’s a dull pounding sound, somewhere in the distance. I’m so comfortable, so happy—the last thing I want to do is leave the coolness of these sheets against my face. Where am I? Why are these sheets so soft? And that pounding…it’s so loud.

  “Oh my god, Cody!” I say, sitting up and gathering his quilt around me.

  Cody is on his feet in a flash, searching the floor for his jeans. He finally finds an old pair of board shorts and slides them on, hopping from his bedroom to the front door. He comes back seconds later with Jessie trailing behind him, her hand covering her eyes, but cracking between the fingers so she can look right at us.

  “Cover your bits, I don’t want to see any of this shit,” she says, popping her gum loudly.

  “Fuck, Jess, what are you doing here?” Cody says, sitting at the edge of the bed, and rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes.

  “I’m saving this one’s ass, is what I’m doing,” she says, pointing to me. I snug the blanket to my body a little closer, realizing I’m completely naked underneath.

  Jessie just rolls her eyes at me and then sits down on Cody’s floor, leaning her back against his door. “Trevor’s looking for you. And before you ask, yes, I covered for you,” she says. I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

  “Thank you, Jessie. So much,” I say, feeling like I may now have minutes rather than the seconds I thought I had before to get my facts in order.

  “Yeah, yeah,” she says, followed by another pop of her gum. “Here’s the deal. You spent the night at my house, because you had a bad reaction to your drink. I left right after you, told Trevor I was taking you home. He sent you a shitload of texts, so your phone was in my car all night, and that’s why you couldn’t text back. Got it?”

  I nod yes and feel my throat start to close up from the onset of what I’m pretty sure is an anxiety attack.

  “I’m going to go out there and watch some TV, but you and I probably need to show up at your front door in the next few minutes, before Trevor sees my car. Think you can handle that?” she says, getting back to her feet and slipping through the door to give us privacy.

  Once the door is closed, I lie back down and try to stop the room from spinning and closing in on me. “Charlie, are you okay?” Cody says, sliding up beside me and sweeping my hair from my sweaty forehead.

  “Yeah, I’m just…scared, I think,” I say, not using the right word, but the only one that comes to mind. Cody turns from me, and I know he’s blaming himself, so I move into him and grab his chin with my hand, pulling him to me. “Don’t think for a single minute that I have any regrets. I am so happy…right here, right now. I’m just worried about hurting Trevor.”

  Cody’s eyes close, and I feel his lungs collapse with the air that escapes him. He rubs his hand over his face some more and turns to me again, running his fingertips down the length of my face, neck, shoulder, and body. “I love you, Charlie. No matter what, I just want you to know that,” he says the words almost like they’re a goodbye, and it crushes me.

  “I love you too, and that’s the only thing that matters,” I say, trying to reassure him. I kiss him then and roll on top of him, my hair cascading around us, shielding us—like we have our own hiding place. Then Jessie’s pounding breaks us and pulls us back to reality.

  “Tic-toc, Charlie,” she says.

  “I’m getting dressed,” I yell back.

  “I’m gonna jump in the shower. You head over with Jessie. I’ll just plan on seeing you later. Maybe at the shop?” he says.

  I smile at the thought of us making plans, and I’m instantly missing him even though I haven’t left.

  I dress while he’s in the shower, pulling on my damp clothing to go along with Jessie’s lie. When she sees me, she pulls her face into a frown, and I feel sick. She didn’t want me to hurt Cody, to pull him into this, and now I’ve gone and made things so complicated.

  “I messed up, Jessie. I’m so sorry, but I won’t hurt him,” I say, hoping she’ll forgive me.

  “What, that?” she says, pointing to Cody’s bedroom. “Hell, I’m all for that. I was just bummed, because I really liked your outfit. But that blouse is burn-worthy now, I’m afraid.”

  Smiling, I reach for her hand and she pulls me in for a hug and then sniffs my shoulder. “Yeah, you smell like you’ve been sick all night in these things. Good move,” she winks. “Okay, well, let’s get you back where you belong…until you don’t?”

  I know what she means by her question, and I reassure her with my nod. “Right, that’s happening really soon,” I say.

  We skip across the driveway, and to the backdoor, a more natural place for me to come in, and when I do, I see Jim sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. He smiles when I enter, but goes right back to reading some magazine he has spread open. It looks like Sports Illustrated.

  “You sure you feel okay now?” Jessie says, playing it up for Jim’s benefit.

  “Yeah, I think I’ll just eat a little something. Thanks for bringing me home,” I say, smiling at the side of my mouth when I see her back out the door. I barely make eye contact with Jim as I pass through the kitchen, hoping I can just slip upstairs and shower before I run into Trevor.

  “Morning, Jim,” I say, trying to keep a natural feeling in the air.

  “Yes, good morning,” he says, still not looking up from his magazine. I wait a second to see if he has more to say, but then continue to the door, until he pauses me again.

  “Say, Charlotte? You got a sec?” he says, his magazine now folded closed in his lap. He’s looking at me from the top of his glasses, and the steam emanating from the cup of coffee in front of him feels like it’s trying to give me a sign.

  “Sure, what can I do for you, Jim?” I say, feeling like I’m one of his employees. I laugh internally, realizing that that’s how I’ve always felt around him.

  “Well, it’s about my son. You see…Trevor is really the only thing in my life that I haven’t…messed up,” he pauses, waiting for me to react, but I have no idea what to say, so I just smile. “I’m sure you’ve heard things about me, some lies…some, sadly, the truth. But I just wanted you to know that when it comes to my son, Charlotte, I’m pretty on top of things.”

  My heart is racing so fast that I think it might come out my throat, and I want to vomit from my nerves. I squeeze my hands into fists in front of me, behind the counter so Jim can’t see, and I plaster my smile on my face. “Of course, Jim. Trevor is a good man, and I know you love your son,” I say, not lying, but also leaving out everything else I’d like to add.

  “Good, good,” he says, picking up his coffee and opening his magazine again along the counter. “I’m glad we both feel the same way. I just wouldn’t want anything to happen, to mess anything up. This deal he’s brokered, with Cody? You follow me, right?”

  I nod lightly, my eyes wide and taking every gesture, every facial insinuation in.

  “My son, he’s big on plans—and you’re an important part of that, you know?” Jim says, waiting for me to agree—like I’m signing a contract.

  “Yes, sir. I do know,” I say, somehow swallowing silently and breathing despite the dryness of my throat. I stand there, terrified, waiting for Jim to continue, but he never does. He goes back to his article, completely engrossed in it—it’s as if he never noticed me at all.

  I slip from the kitchen and wind up the stairs, passing Shelly’s room, where I hear her lightly snoring, already back into her sad pattern. I stop for a moment, loo
k at her door, and consider opening it, laying into her for being a coward. She’s almost dead, the way she lives swallowed up whole in her room, shutting out reality. She’s settling, and all she gets from it are those few days of the year where she throws a party, or Jim buys her something flashy. She’s pretending, but barely existing.

  And so am I.

  I finally settle on my door. It’s closed, and I know Trevor is on the other side—probably still asleep. I lay my head on the flat panels and run my finger over the handle, knowing what’s coming next. I’m not going to tell Trevor about Cody, and I’m not going to tell him about how I feel. And I’ll look at my cold metal desk, and I’ll continue to pretend that I love that, too. Because I know Jim knows—I know Jim knows everything!

  And I know that if I don’t continue to play the part, he’ll ruin everything else for Cody—and I can’t crush Cody’s dream. His dream is bigger than me, and I would be selfish to make him lose everything else that matters to him for me.

  Jessie was right—she spun a great tale, and Trevor believed every bit of it. I slipped into bed after showering, and we both woke up hours later together. He spent the rest of the morning doting over me. When I finally insisted that I felt better, he took me to lunch.

  But now that we’re pulling up to Cody’s shop, I’m wishing I lied and played the patient just a little while longer. He surprised me with this stop, said he wanted to check in with Cody on the next steps after we were done with our light lunch at the diner. I just smiled and nodded, letting him drive me to what is about to be the worst experience of my entire life.