Blindness

by Ginger Scott

  I can tell Cody’s surprised, too, when we walk up. He’s wiping his hands on a work towel, approaching Trevor with caution and looking at me for affirmation. I nod no, and he bunches his brow, a little confused.

  “Brother, how’s it going?” Trevor says, leaning into Cody when he shakes his hand for one of those strange half-hug things men do.

  “Uh, good…I guess?” Cody says, his eyes still drifting to me. I can’t look at him, so I step back, and try to be a part of the background.

  “Gabe, hey…how’s it going?” Trevor says as he kneels down to acknowledge Gabe under the car.

  “Hey, man! Good to see ya,” Gabe says, sliding out from underneath on his roller board. He sits up and pulls his pack of cigarettes out, pounding them until one slides loose. “I was just going to have a smoke.”

  The boys all move to the entrance of the garage, and I hear them talking and laughing. I can tell Cody’s laugh is fake, and I can tell he’s trying to find me, understand what’s happening and where I’m at with the whole ending it phase. I take this moment of distraction to slip into the hallway to the bathroom, and once I’m inside, I lock the door behind me.

  I have tried to cry all morning—ever since Jim confronted me. But I haven’t been able to. Instead, I just stutter in my attempt, my stomach contracts, but nothing happens. I think I’m too stunned that I can’t believe I’m stuck in this situation. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the sensation of Cody’s skin, I can see the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me, and I can smell him, hear him and taste him.

  “Charlie, open up,” I’m brought back instantly by his whisper. He’s here, just outside the door, and I feel my heart speed up. I’m not ready. I can’t do this! “Seriously, hurry. Open up, Trevor’s talking to Gabe.”

  I flick the lock on the door, and Cody quickly slips inside, locking it behind him. His lips find mine the second the door closes, and he’s pushing me against the sink with his need and want. It’s only been a few hours, but I’ve missed him so much. And somewhere, in his kiss, I find my cry.

  “Charlie, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Cody says, inspecting my face, touching me tenderly. He’s killing me, and I’m dreading what I have to do.

  “I’m not leaving Trevor,” I say it quickly, like pulling off a Band-Aid. They say it doesn’t hurt when it’s fast, but I feel like I’ve been stabbed, gutted to the core, from the look on Cody’s face. His eyes are still, and he’s not breathing. “Cody, I can’t…you don’t understand. But I…I can’t.”

  I want to tell him everything, just so he’ll understand. But I know if Cody knew the entire story, I know if he knew about Jim and his threats, he’d get himself in trouble. I reach for him out of instinct, but he rejects me, slapping away my hand.

  “No,” he says. “Just…don’t. God, don’t touch me.”

  He turns to face the door, and I reach out to him again, but just before I touch him, he punches the door hard, splintering a panel and knocking it loose from the lock, the door popping open.

  “Cody, don’t…don’t hurt yourself,” I say, the tears pouring down my face now.

  “Hurt myself?” he says, his whisper almost a shout. “Are you seriously worried about me hurting myself? Fuck, Charlie—I can’t possibly hurt myself any more than you did just now. I told you…I said there was no going back for me. I meant it, Charlie. I fucking love you! Was this all…what? Like, some joke? Were you just living out some fantasy?”

  “No! Cody, no…I love you. So much!” I’m desperate for him to understand. But there is nothing I can say. He’s standing there, looking me in the eyes, trying to form his next words, but nothing comes. “I love you…but I can’t leave Trevor.”

  He’s gone—the door now crooked on its hinges in his wake. My body is quaking, and I’m stuck in this dark bathroom, hidden only a few feet and a small thin wall away from my prison. The man I love, probably the only man who will ever live up to the legacy Mac left behind, hates me—I just made sure of that. I made him love me, then I crushed him body and soul. I’d be sick if I could move, but I’m too numb.

  “Charlie, you coming?” I hear Trevor’s voice echo down the hall. I take in my surroundings, the shards of wood, and the mess Cody left behind, and I know Trevor can’t see any of this.

  “Be right there. Just had to go to the bathroom,” I yell, taking in a deep breath and forcing myself to suck my emotions away. I lift the collar of my sweatshirt up to my eyes, blotting them, and hoping they’re not as red as they feel. I practice my smile, but every time I try, I feel the sting in my eyes again.

  “Come on, Charlie. Come on. You can do this; you have to. Mac, please…please help me,” I say to myself. I open my eyes again, and this time I’m able to hold my face. When I exit the hallway, Cody is nowhere to be seen, and Gabe is back under the car. Trevor is pacing in the driveway, on the phone. I look around to the office and see Jessie, and she’s angry. I know Cody told her—she probably saw him right after I told him, and I feel sick that I also let Jessie down. I’m ashamed, but this is the way it has to be, and Cody can never know.

  “Fantastic. Yeah, we’ll see you there!” Trevor says as he tucks his phone back into his coat pocket.

  “Hey, Gabe…whatcha doing tomorrow night?” Trevor says. I’m still lost in my own thoughts enough to fully follow him.

  “I got nothing. Just me and this Ford chassis. But she can wait…why, whadaya got going on?” Gabe says, looking to Jessie to try to get her attention.

  “My buddy Kevin just got the suite for the Browns game. You want in? Free food and drink—you just need to pay for parking,” Trevor says, and I see Gabe’s face light up.

  “Hells yeah, man. That’s fuckin’ awesome!” Gabe says, looking in Jessie’s direction again while he whispers “just me?”

  “Nah, man. We’re all going. It’s a suite!” Trevor says, and my mind races forward. All of us—that means all of us.

  “Hey, Jess. You hear that?” Gabe yells.

  “Hear what?” she spits back, not looking up, and I know it’s because of me.

  “We’re going to the Browns game tomorrow—sitting in the suite!” Gabe hollers, following it up with a loud hoot.

  “Fuck yeah, we are,” Jessie says, her attention now completely on Gabe and her face full of excitement. Then she settles on me. “Cody, you hear?”

  I freeze, my eyes wide and looking at her, knowing that she’s trying to make me feel the discomfort—trying to punish me.

  “What?” Cody says, and I can tell he’s only a few feet behind me. I hear the clank of tools on the table, and I turn slowly to look at them. I can’t look him in the eye; I won’t—but I stare at his hands. I notice the word promise first, and it feels like I’ve just cut myself, knowing that I broke mine to him.

  “Browns game, in the suite. You in?” Trevor says, reaching out a hand for a shake. I sneak a glance at Cody, and his eyes are on me, his face hard and cold. He looks back at Trevor and curls his mouth into a grin and shakes his hand.

  “Sounds good, count me in,” he says, looking back at me again, his smile not happy, but full of pain and anger. I want to stop the charade, to pause time and think of a way out of this. But everyone keeps on moving around me, and the only person left paying attention to me at the end is Trevor. When he grabs my hand and kisses it, right over his ring, I feel dead, and I think this might be how I feel for the rest of my life.

  I spent the rest of Saturday hiding in my room, drawing at my miserable desk. Even my drawings were sad—I tried new houses, but they all felt lifeless, like no place anyone would ever want to live. Trevor was busy working, using his dad’s office to review a contract file. His dad left early in the day for Chicago—the irony of him running off to be with his secret family felt like lead in my stomach.

  I heard the rumble of Cody’s truck outside more than once, and each time I ran to the window, hoping he’d see me and somehow understand. But he always turned the other way.

  When I h
eard Trevor coming up the stairs in the early evening, I rushed to the bed and turned out the lights, pretending to have been asleep for hours. I felt him rub my arm, trying to wake me, to excite me—but I kept up my act, rolling tighter into my blanket. He kissed my head and called me angel when he finally gave in, and he left his arm around me for the night. I let the tears fall without movement, choking on them in my fight to stay still. I was trapped—in every possible way—and my captor wasn’t bad. In fact, he was a decent man…a great man. But he wasn’t the one I wanted.

  But that didn’t matter.

  I can smell the coffee downstairs, and I hear everyone gathering. Trevor is one of those fanatic type of Browns fan, the kind that have jerseys, and team flags, and team coolers for their beer, and I knew he’d want to get to the game early for tailgating. Somehow, I was going to drag this day out, spread my torture slowly over thousands of minutes.

  By the time I get to the kitchen, everyone is packed and ready to go. Cody is leaning against the counter, next to Jessie, and he’s looking purposely away from me. Trevor pulls me to him and holds out a coat—one of his puffy Cleveland ones. It’s supposed to be forty degrees today, so I stuff my arms inside, pulling it over my thick sweater, undershirt, and jeans. My feet are double socked into my Uggs—I figure if I’m going to burn on the inside all day, I might as well be warm on the outside as well.

  Cody rides with Gabe and Jessie, ignoring Trevor when he asks if he’d like to come with us. I tell Trevor I don’t think he heard him, but I know he did. I also know he’s been drinking. I can smell him from several feet away, and he smells exactly like the flask I saw him slip into the inside pocket of his leather jacket.

  Trevor puts sports radio on in the car—countdown to the game. He’s explaining things to me during the drive, talking about key players being out this week for the Vikings and quarterback match-ups. Normally, I’m smiling and nodding because I don’t really understand a word of it, but today I’m plastering on my false enthusiasm because I’m not even listening. I’m lost in my head, worried about Cody and what I’ve done to him—worried about what he’ll do or what he’ll say, especially now that I’ve smelled him.

  I’m thinking about Jessie, too. I finally made a friend, a real one, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost her by the look on her face last night and this morning. The drive isn’t long enough into the city, and we’re pulling into VIP parking two hours before kick-off. I want to throw up from my anxiety, but I guess this is my punishment—this is what I get for breaking Cody’s heart.

  The irony—less than 48 hours ago he told me his punishment was that he gets to love me, but can’t have me, and now here I am exactly where he thought he was.

  “Whhhoooooooaaaaa!” Trevor yells out the window as we pull up next to the Sumners’ car. Kevin is grilling some food along with another man I’ve never met. While I usually stress out having to get to know new people, I’m thankful for this stranger today—I plan on spending the next two hours getting to know him.

  “Charlotte, what can I cook for you?” Kevin hollers over a booming radio parked a few trucks away.

  “Hot dog’s fine,” I say, forcing a smile and finding myself a seat atop one of the coolers.

  “Whatcha drinkin’,” asks Kevin’s friend.

  “Oh, uh…Coke, I guess?” I’m not really feeling beer today. He tosses me a freezing cold can and comes over to introduce himself.

  “I’m Rob, I went to school with Kevin. We go way back, all the way to grade school,” he says, reaching out his hand for a shake. I meet him in the middle, and we do the typical business introductions.

  “Charlotte, nice to meet you. You’ll have to tell me some embarrassing stories about Kevin,” I wink, also planting a seed for a good 30 minutes of stories, hoping he’ll monopolize my time.

  “Oh, I’ve got stories,” he says, immediately looking at Kevin and laughing. Just as I hoped, Rob launches into a fraternity story from college, something about a prank, and dyeing someone’s hair pink.

  I’m half-listening, the rest of me focused on Trevor and Cody bumping fists. I see Cody pick up a Coke from one of the coolers, and I also see him add a little of whatever’s in his flask to his drink. Jessie is quick to grab the flask from his hand, but he quickly grabs it back, and I can make out his mouth as he says, “Fuck off!” She gives him the finger and whispers something to Gabe, no doubt telling him to keep an eye on Cody. I’m relieved that they’re watching him, but I also know that no one is on my team right now.

  The next hour drags; we all sit around and listen to Kevin, Rob and Trevor tell stories about Washington, and politics, and law. I’m barely interested, if at all, and I can see the boredom written on everyone else’s faces. Things pick up when some teen races by on a skateboard, and Gabe talks him into letting him ride for a few tricks. He gets on and starts flipping the board with his feet, always landing on it the right way—like a cat.

  Gabe is amazing to watch, and it catches everyone’s attention finally, and the boys all take turns attempting to do what he did. Even Cody does a few simple flips, but I notice how he stumbles, not from his injury, but from the sleepiness in his eyes from what I’m pretty sure is vodka.

  The game of stunts manages to pass the rest of the time, until we pack up the cars and head into the stadium. I pre-arranged the suite tickets, giving myself the seat in the front corner and putting Trevor next to me, hoping I’ll be able to hide—or stare at the field and never once look behind me at the very least. When we get to the suite, though, I’m the only one that actually pays attention to the number on the ticket. Everyone else gets comfortable wherever.

  “Dude, Cody, check out this cheesecake tray!” Gabe says, pulling the plastic lining from the dessert platter and sliding out an entire piece on a paper plate. “Mmmmm, damn. Seriously, Cody, this shit is good. Here, try.”

  Cody just turns his face from Gabe and shakes his head. I watch him walk over to the opposite corner from me, and he props his feet up on the railing as he sits back in his seat. For the first time today, we make eye contact, and my body is rushed with the sensation of jumping from a high bridge. I can’t look away, and Cody doesn’t. But he doesn’t smile, either. In fact, his face is completely void of any emotion at all—he could be looking out a window at nothingness. He reaches into his jacket, still holding his gaze on me, and pulls out his flask and unscrews the lid slowly. He finally raises it up to me in a toast and curls his lip up the tiniest bit before taking a big gulp.

  “This one’s on you, just so you know,” Jessie says from behind me. I can’t face her, even though all I want to do is hug her, have her tell me what to do. But she hates me right now, and I deserve it.

  “I know,” I say, my voice barely audible. “I know.”

  The pre-game announcements start, and pretty soon the team is taking the field. Trevor comes to sit by me for most of the first quarter, and I cheer along with him and Kevin, just trying to act like I’m enjoying myself, like I’m distracted by the game. But I watch Cody from the corner of my eye, I watch him every time he takes a drink—and I shrink with every single one.

  Trevor kisses me on the cheek at the start of the second quarter, before he heads to the back of the suite to sit in the sofas with Kevin and Rob. He feels obligated to entertain me, but he would rather be with his friends, so I urge him to join them. I pull my jacket tightly around me, thankful for the heaters above my head.

  The second half is full of action, and Cleveland is moving the ball well. They score twice in the first few minutes, and everyone in the suite high-fives and cheers, but I stay in my corner and wait for Cody to explode. He’s getting louder and bolder with every minute that passes, his language consisting mostly of swear words at this point.

  Finally, almost half-time, I hear him say, “Fuck this, I’m outta here. You wanna come, Gabe?” Then I see the two of them shake Trevor’s hand and leave through the door. It’s strange how relieved I am that he’s gone, yet worried at the same time. I wa
lk over to the living area and pick around at some of the plates of food, really just listening to the boys talk and hoping someone will give me a clue where Cody went. I’m about to ask Trevor, when I feel my neck choke on the tug from the back of my coat. I stumble backward into the row of stools, where Jessie is sitting.

  “Okay, here’s the deal. I’m mad at you—like so fucking mad I want to punch you in the face,” she says, and I flinch in reaction. “Stop it. I’m not going to; I just want to.”

  I take a deep breath, but keep my guard up, ready to run if I have to.

  “We’ve got a problem,” she says, looking at her phone and swiping a few times before she hands it to me. It’s open on a text from Gabe, and when I read what it says, I’m hit with a whole new wave of panic.

  He’s fucked up, J. He’s making me drive him out to the pits for jumps. He’s going to do something stupid. He won’t listen to me, you know that.

  I look back at her, my eyes wide. I’m not sure what the pits are and what type of jumps Gabe’s referring to, but I know how drunk Cody was when they left, so I’m pretty sure whatever this mixture is, it’s dangerous.

  “This is bad, Charlie. Do you understand? He almost died when he tried some dumb-ass trick, and he’s in a really fucked up place right now,” she says, and before I can rationalize any of it, I’m at Trevor’s side.

  “We have to go,” I say in his ear.

  “Huh?” he says, turning to me and bunching his brow.

  I must look like a lunatic, my heart is beating fast, and I know I’m talking rapidly and bouncing my leg like I have to pee, but I just want him to hurry, to trust me on this one.

  “I’m sorry, I know this sucks, and I know how much you love this game, but we have to go,” I say, forcing him to look at me and put his beer down on the table when I hold onto his shoulder. “It’s Cody; I think he’s in trouble.”