Dad put his hand on mine. "I—I want another chance to be your dad. I made mistakes, but I always loved you, always wanted you as my little girl. I don't—I'm not sure what else to say, Risa."
He always loved me? But he didn't fight for me. I didn't know what to think or say. My cell phone vibrated, and I looked down at a text message from Lara.
We're almost there. You want us to wait outside?
I stared at the phone. "I don't—I have to think about this."
"I know," he said sadly, staring at the floor.
I nodded vaguely and got up. Walking to the front door, I felt in a fog. He tried to see me? He wanted to be in my life?
"Risa," he called out as I put my hand on the doorknob. "Call me if you need me?"
I nodded, but didn't say anything as I walked out the door. Was he lying? Why would he, though? It's not like things weren't fine between us. He didn't need to blurt out all of that just to make sure I stayed with him. There really wasn't a reason to say any of those things. I could see him making excuses for not wanting to play the dad role, but he was asking for it. He always loved me? As I waited in the driveway, I just kept shaking my head. I couldn't get it to sink in.
Risa Likes it Like This
Lara pulled up in an older dark blue SUV. Mace was in the passenger seat laughing as usual. When I climbed in, Lara immediately asked what was wrong, but I just shrugged it off and said, "Parents." She rolled her eyes in a sympathetic way, and we were off.
When we got to the theater, we stood in line for what seemed forever only to find out that Sanitorium was sold out. Our only other option at nine thirty at night was some kid's movie called The Great Wonder. Why a kids movie would be showing that late, we had no idea, but it was really disappointing. So we got back in Lara's SUV and talked over some alternatives. Bowling was thrown around a few times and renting horror movies was another viable option, but when Lara got a text about a party happening not far away, she and Mace talked me into checking it out.
I was really nervous about going to a party without Brodie, but I refused to show it, and I refused to let it keep me from going. I wasn't a child. I could handle myself.
Lara declared herself the party patrol for the evening and put Mace on a three-beer limit. She looped her arm through mine and whispered, "Brodie will flat-out kill me if you get in any trouble here, so stay near me, please?"
I laughed it off like he was too overprotective, but I was happy to have a reason to stick by Lara. "That's cool. I'm here to hang with you two anyhow."
Inside, it was freaking packed. It took us at least ten minutes just to navigate through the living room. I recognized a lot of people from school, but I didn't really "know" them. Red cups were everywhere, and the music was pretty loud. In the kitchen, we found two beer kegs and a cooler of something reddish surrounded by empty alcohol bottles. I stepped closer, just to take a peek, but Mace pulled me back.
Through laughter she pointed at me and said, "Don't drink the Kool-Aid."
I looked at her with confusion, but she found her comment too funny to explain. Lara signaled me over to a keg and started filling a cup. She leaned toward me. "The punch is always a bad idea. When Mace joined up with us, she'd never been to a party. Couple of guys told her it was just Kool-Aid, trying to get her drunk. Brodie and Sammy almost beat the shit out of 'em, and it became this thing, 'Don't drink the Kool-Aid.' She laughs, but it could have been bad."
I nodded and took the cup she held out to me, sipping the beer slowly. Mace bounced around to the music, and I looked around at all my wasted peers. They were entertaining I had to give them that. There was a guy passed out on the couch with several people leaned over him. I had no idea what they were doing until two guys moved, and I could see people with Sharpie's writing things on his skin. I laughed at that—clearly passing out drunk at a party was a bad idea.
We walked back toward the living room where we stood and talked to Jose and the people with him. I think he recognized me, but he was pretty wasted and just laughed a lot. When someone slammed into my back, pushing me forward, I turned to see a small blonde girl smiling at me. She apologized several times as I helped her up. I watched her stumble back to a guy who held his arms out to her, which is when I noticed a familiar profile. A dark haired and incredibly sexy guy with muscular arms stood by the wall ten feet away from me.
I was immediately smiling and started walking toward Brodie, wondering why he was there when my eyes left his body long enough to see the girl he was standing over. His arms were planted on the wall on either side of her, and he was leaned in close to her neck. She was smiling, and she looked young, really young. My heart fell into my stomach, and I turned my back to them. I saw it wrong. It wasn't really him. It was someone else, I told myself. So I turned around again just as he looked up toward the doorway… It was Brodie, no doubt about it. I fled.
I didn't know where I was going, but I just knew I had to get away from him. What was he doing with her? Why? But I had no claim on him. I wasn't his girlfriend, he'd made that clear. I had no right to be mad or heartbroken. But I was—desperately heartbroken. I'd actually let myself believe I was special to him.
And he lied to me. He said he had to work late. Did he even have a job? Or was "I have to work," code for "I have to get some?"
When I'd calmed down long enough to look around, I realized I had somehow wound up in a laundry room attached to the garage. I refused to cry. He was just a guy. I just liked him; I wasn't in love with him. But the ache in my heart made me want to die. I doubled over, clutching at my chest. I'd fallen for the smooth talker Sara had warned me to stay away from. Brodie had been right. I was too inexperienced. I didn't know enough about any of this, didn't know how not to fall for him. And he was hanging all over some other girl.
I held in the tears. I refused to let him get the best of me. I'd survived too much to lose it because of him. I pulled myself up and stuck my chin out, ignoring the mass destruction in my chest. It wasn't hard to find Lara. She was still talking with Jose and his friends.
"Risa, good. We're heading outside, come on." She put her hand out to me, and I took it, relieved to be leaving the room. I literally forced myself not to look in the direction Brodie had been.
Outside, the warm night air didn't help me at all. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to run away from there, get as far away from Brodie and the girl as I could, but he would win if I did that. We sat on the grass outside, and it reminded me of the last party I'd been to. I should have never gone out with him. I could have been happy living a peaceful life in Dad's house. But no, I wanted experiences. Well I'd had plenty now.
"Hey." Lara nudged me. "You okay?'
I put my chin up and smiled. "Fine. Could use another beer though, you want one?"
She shook her head. "Driving. You want me to come with you?"
"I got it, thanks."
Charlie had shown up while I was getting my beer, and he looked like he was feeling pretty happy himself. "Risa." He stood up and wrapped his arms around me. "I couldn't wait to see you tonight."
I forced a laugh. "Oh, why's that?" I took several long gulps of my beer.
Lara smacked Charlie's leg. "Jose just stole Mace's beer, be a gentleman and go get her another one?"
Charlie nodded. "Sure thing, beautiful." He turned to me and before I knew what he was doing, he kissed my cheek. "I'll talk to you in a minute." His wink made my skin crawl, but he was harmless, so I tried to brush it off and took a few more gulps of beer.
By the time Charlie finally returned, I was feeling much more capable of appearing okay. The alcohol didn't dull the pain in my chest, but it made my brain less capable of obsessing over all the details.
Lara put her arm around Charlie. "Took you long enough, what'd you have to do, go to the store for another keg?"
He laughed and handed Mace a red cup. "There was a fight at the keg. Crisper got some good blows against some guy I never seen. Nearly took my head off though, since
I was trying to get her beer. I should get some reward for that or at least a dance." He put his hand out to Lara and she laughed, letting him pull her up.
"One dance and keep your hands off my ass."
I sat there with Mace, making fun of the idiots around us. She laughed at everything I said even though I'm sure I was more mean than funny. My sarcasm was really on high. I'd downed the last of my beer and was getting up to get another when Petey came closer and started dancing with Lara. They seemed to be having a good time grinding all over each other. It made me wonder if Brodie was around somewhere grinding all over his chick. Ugh, I clutched at my chest again.
"You okay?" Mace asked with real worry in her voice.
I slid the mask back in place. "Me? You look like an alcoholic with your pink cheeks and giggling," I teased. "Next thing you'll be up stripping off your clothes and doing a table dance. With these idiots around, you could probably earn enough to pay for a college education shaking it for them."
She shook her head and laughed as Charlie stepped toward us. "He stole my reward, dance with me, Risa."
I shook my head. "I don't dance."
"I'm sure that's a total lie, too. Come on." He grabbed my arm and yanked me up.
"Ow, geez, Charlie, take it easy. I'd like to go home with all four limbs tonight, huh?"
He put his hands on my hips and started moving against me.
I shook my head. "I really don't want to dance."
"Like you don't wanna sleep around?" He laughed loudly, and I couldn't draw the lines between the dots he'd thrown out there. "Come on, you remember when I asked you out, and you said you weren't cash. Playing hard to get? Guess that's not the only game you're into."
He was still trying to dance with me and pulled my butt into his clearly turned on groin. I stepped forward away from him, but he wrapped his arms around my waist, rubbing himself against me.
He pressed his cheek to mine. "I know all about you fucking your stepdad, so quit playing games. You know you want this."
I tried to peel his arms off me, tried to pull away from him, but he was too strong. "You don't know what you're talking about. Get off me!"
"Charlie," Mace stood up. "Let her go."
"We're just having fun, Mace. That's all. Risa wants it like this. My cousin goes to Los Gatos and told me all about what Risa likes."
She looked worried, but confused about it, and I kept struggling to get away from him. "Get Lara," I told her, and she took off.
"You want me to tell them all about it, Risa? I'll keep it to myself if you let me—"
"Get off her, now, Charlie!" Lara came to stand in front of us, and her narrowed eyes, hands on hips, clenched jaw expression was murderous.
His arms tightened around me, and he yelled, "She's just playing everyone, Lara. She fucked her own stepfather, for fuck's sake. She wants this."
My eyes widened and darted from Lara's shocked expression to Mace's to Jose's to Petey's and finally landed on a pair of gray eyes that pierced right through me. Oh God. Brodie heard what Charlie said. He came charging forward with pure hatred in his eyes as Charlie loosend his grip enough for me to lunge forward. I didn't bother to wait around and hear their reactions, I just ran out of there.
I covered my mouth to hide the sobbing I couldn't hold back and people must have thought I was going to throw up because they cleared out of my way. I made it out the front door and kept on running, crying my eyes out. He heard that. Everyone heard it. They all knew, and it would be just like Los Gatos. They'd turn their backs on me or try to get the kinky girl in bed. I ran blindly, tears clouding my vision. I ran until I was in danger of destroying my knee again then stopped and jogged some. I finally couldn't go on anymore. In front of a dark shopping center several blocks from the party, I found the most well-hidden spot I could and curled into a ball to die.
Funny thing is when your world has crashed down around you and you feel like there's nothing left in you to go on, your damn heart still keeps beating. I stayed there until the eeriness of the empty parking lot and too-dark shopping center made me start to see things and fear things that weren't really there. I knew I couldn't make it any farther on my knee, but I had no one to call, no one who cared.
When my internal pity party died down enough for rationality to kick in, I remembered Dad's words from earlier. He wanted another chance to be my dad. Taking out my phone, I decided it was time for that chance.
He immediately answered the phone with, "Risa, are you okay?"
I managed to pull myself together and speak without sobbing like a child. "I think so—can—can you come get me?"
"Where are you, I'm leaving now."
"I don't know," my voice broke, but I pushed the tears back and looked around. "There's a deli and a grocery store, and a big blue building across the street." My eyes connected with a street sign. "Lafferty Ave."
"I'm in the car. I'll be there in ten minutes. Are you hurt?"
My heart had been ripped from my chest, I was humiliated, and Brodie hated me. I was hurting more than when Mom had kicked me out, but I knew he was asking about physical pain. "No."
"What happened, Risa?"
My voice shook. "I can't—just come get me, Dad, please?"
"I'm coming, honey. Stay on the phone, and tell me if anyone comes near you."
Less than ten minutes later, I saw headlights pull into the parking lot and stood up, waving half-heartedly. He didn't shut off the engine, just opened the door and ran to me, pulling me into his arms. I cried all over again.
"Shhh. It's gonna be okay, honey. I've got you now. Shhh."
My phone rang, and I recognized the ringtone I'd assigned Brodie. Looking down at it, I shook my head rapidly. My chest seared me with pain, and I clutched at it, wincing.
"Risa? What is it? Are you hurt?"
I shook my head and covered my face, pushing my phone at him. "Turn it off. Please, I can't—"
"Okay, honey. Let's get you home. Things'll look better at home." He put his arm around my waist and helped me to the car. He climbed in the driver's seat as my phone rang again. He looked down at it. "Mace? Is she the one you left with?" I nodded, and he touched the screen. "Hello… This is her father… Yes, I'm taking her home now… You'll have to ask her that when she's feeling up to talking, I just thought I'd let you know she's safe." He pressed his finger to the screen and started the car.
We drove for several minutes before he patted my hand and looked over at me. "Risa, I need to know what happened, honey. Please?"
I rolled away from him and toward the window. My voice was so scratchy from crying. "There was a party. This guy I sort of—" I covered my face with my hands and pulled in a shuttering breath. "I love him. He was with another girl. I tried not to care or look like I cared. So Charlie wanted me to dance with him. He knows, Dad, he knows everything about Bill. He had his hands all over me and he saw, Brodie saw and heard him say—about Bill—that I wanted it—he was so mad at me." He patted my back, and I sobbed quietly.
My eyes stung badly from crying so much that I had to close them and was able to stay remotely peaceful the last few miles home.
Permanent Damage
I felt us pull into the driveway when Dad's hand covered mine, and I looked over at him.
"This boy you love, does he drive a black truck?" He was looking over my shoulder, and I knew Brodie had to be there.
I covered my face with my hands, but I had no more tears to shed. "I can't talk to him, Dad. He hates me."
"How could he hate you? You did nothing wrong. None of this and none of what Bill did is your fault."
I pulled my hands away and stared at him. He believed me? "I thought you—you don't believe Mom and Bill and K—"
"No! Never, Risa. You think—all this time—you thought I didn't believe you? Honey—" He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. "I didn't know what to say to you. I was furious that he did that to you and pissed at myself for not being able to stop it. And your mom. I'm so damn
mad at your fucking mother!" He took a deep breath and was quieter. "I always just wanted to be able to take it all away, fix it for you somehow. But I couldn't, so I just stayed quiet. I'm sorry, Risa. I had no idea you thought I didn't believe you."
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe he believed me all this time. As I sat there in his arms, I felt like I was with an entirely different person. Like I had my dad back from when I was little. Things were so different than they had been just twenty-four hours earlier it was so difficult to accept it all.
He pulled back and nudged my chin up until I looked at him. "About the boy—"
I closed my eyes. "I'm not strong enough."
"Don't give me that. With everything you've been through, you're the toughest person I know. You're gonna let this one boy beat you?"
For someone who didn't seem to be paying attention to me, he certainly knew which button to push. It took more energy than usual, but once more, I lifted my chin. "Okay." I opened the car door and started to get out.
Brodie was by my side immediately. "Risa, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said coldly. No emotion, I had to keep all emotion from my face and voice. But my voice was a mess from crying so much.
"What the hell happened? You were supposed to be at a movie. Next thing I know Rusty's pulling me outside, telling me Charlie's all over you."
I wanted to cringe at his anger, but I didn't. I kept my face neutral and my voice as matter-of-fact as possible. "Movie was sold out." I shrugged. "We went to the party. Charlie was—but it's fine. I'm fine. Thanks for checking on me." I started to hobble, but my knee was killing me. I turned to where Dad stood in front of the car. "Dad, can you help me inside?"
"I can carry you." Brodie put his hands on me and bent to pick me up.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed, and he jumped back. I was shaking and losing my control. "Stay away from me."
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