Spirit

by Shauna Granger

  “Wait,” I said, snatching my hand back and taking a number of steps backward, nearly tripping over my wings.

  “Shayna, what are you doing?” he asked.

  “What happens now?” I curled my hands into fists and kept them close to my chest.

  “What happens now?” he repeated. By the look on his face, it was obvious no one had thought to question him before. “We go into the Light, you join our ranks, and you become the guardian angel you were meant to be.”

  “And Jodi and Steven?” I asked. “What happens to them?”

  “They are alive and well.” He shook his head and started to take a few steps toward me. For every step he took forward, I took one backward, keeping my distance.

  “No,” I said, “what’s going to happen to them? Are they going to be all right?”

  “Shayna, that’s not our concern,” my angel said, making the bottom of my stomach drop out. I felt as if the world had turned on its side, and I thought I was going to fall over. “You were my charge; they are not your charges, so you cannot concern yourself with their fates.”

  “But something is going to happen, isn’t it?” I pressed. “My dying, that is going to do something to them, isn’t it?”

  “Shayna, just come with me.”

  “Why won’t you answer me?”

  “Shayna!” He rushed forward, his hands outstretched. I dodged, hitting the ground and rolling in a mass of limbs and wings. He tumbled forward, losing his balance when I suddenly wasn’t there. Getting to my feet was difficult, but when I finally did, I ran, flexing my wings behind me, working them desperately, lifting and bobbing awkwardly in the air. I heard him yelling for me, still tangled where he had fallen since he didn’t have the same desperate need fueling him. The Light sliced through the air and trees easily. My back warmed as it touched me, and the sensation to turn toward it pulled at me.

  “No!” I screamed, willing myself to go faster, farther, just get the hell away from it. That’s when the burning began. Feathers ripped out of my wings, swirling around me in a bloody mess. I started to fall as my wings collapsed and shredded behind me, unable to hold my weight. I couldn’t feel the cold night air anymore, but I could feel the heat of the wrath that rent my wings away from my back. When I crashed to the ground, my back felt as though it was in tatters. The pain of the two gaping wounds lanced through me, paralyzing me. Black and silver feathers littered the ground around me, and slowly the skin on my back knit back together.

  My guardian angel burst through the tree line, screaming for me. On my hands and knees, I lifted my face to look at him. I had never seen a look of terror so raw, so open before. The searching Light began to fade, taking the last bit of warmth I could feel and sending my world into shadow. I crooked my fingers into the Earth, trying to will it to open to me. That was when I knew I had lost my powers; the Earth didn’t answer my call. I was no longer an Angel of the North, and I no longer had dominion over the Earth.

  I felt as though that Hell Hound had raked his claws down my back again as I stumbled to my feet, trying to run from my angel. He cried out for me and told me to stop. He said that he could still fix it, that he could take me to the Light and make me an angel again. But I knew, when he refused to answer me, that going with him meant dooming my friends to a horrible fate, a fate he wouldn’t reveal to me.

  My feet were like clumsy blocks of cement. My legs refused to cooperate with me, and for every step I took, I collapsed to the ground. I reached out as if something or someone would help me, pull me to safety, and I felt the first coiling shadow wrap around my wrist. My eyes sprang open, and I saw my hand fading into the dark. Unable to get to my feet again, I rolled until my body sank into the shadows as they wrapped around me and pulled me out of his reach.

  “How much time?” I asked, pulling myself out of that painful memory.

  “It doesn’t matter; it always comes,” he said.

  “But how long?” I caught myself before I stepped toward him. “I mean, this cemetery is over a hundred years old. Some of these…” I hesitated, hunting for the right word.

  “Souls,” the angel said, still watching the horde.

  “Fine, souls,” I agreed. “Some of these souls are over a hundred and fifty years old.”

  “What of it?”

  “When did they become like this?”

  “Shayna.” He said my name slowly, turning his golden eyes upon me. In their depths, I saw a sadness that, in life, would have broken my heart. “I know what you’re doing.”

  “You always do.”

  “Don’t do this.”

  “Just answer me.” I struggled to keep from yelling. “Please. For once, just answer me.”

  “It depends.”

  “On?”

  “Many things,” he said cryptically. I tensed when he shifted his weight, the feathers of his wings fluttering behind him as he resettled his wings. I held my tongue, waiting for him to actually answer me. He remained silent for so long that I almost broke, figuring he was finished, but then he said, “Mostly, it depends on the soul’s purpose. But strength of will, strength of mind, and control over emotions all matter.”

  “Soul’s purpose?” I repeated. “So what? If I were trying to hold on to avenge my murder, it would be different than, say, trying to come back to life to save the lives of two people?”

  He sighed. “Yes. Shayna, you are playing a dangerous game.”

  “Maybe you should’ve tried to stop me sooner.”

  “I have been here since the moment you died.”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  “Angels cannot interfere with humans’ free will.”

  “Please,” I said with an ugly noise. “I think we both know I was far from human at the end there.” I just couldn’t admit that when Liam pressed me to accept it, but now, as a powerless wraith, I realized how much of my being was simply magic.

  “Enough of you was still human,” he said.

  “If I hadn’t died, would that have changed too?”

  “Would you have slipped further from being human?” he asked, and I nodded. “It was always a possibility.”

  “And you never thought to warn me?”

  “It wasn’t my place.”

  That time I did yell, my fists raised as I shook violently. “You were my guardian angel!” When the Earth didn’t tremble, the fight went out of me. My hands fell and my shoulders slumped. None of my expectations, none of my natural reactions were normal anymore.

  His anger finally rose to meet mine. “Steering you from your natural course is not our place.” The heat in his voice gave me back some of my fight.

  “What the hell is a guardian angel good for then?” I screamed at him. “What about the times you save people from near death? Huh? What about showing me how to use my wings? What about that?”

  “That was your natural course! You made your choices; they led you here. You had warnings. You didn’t have to go out that night, Shayna Brigit! You could have stayed away, and you would still be alive right now!”

  “And Amy would have died.”

  “Yes.” His answer was so simple, so unfeeling, it contrasted completely with the look on his face. I turned my back on him, unable to look at him anymore. He had been there for me my entire life, guiding, helping, and now he wanted me to believe that it wasn’t his place to interfere? He had just let me die.

  “That’s not what angels are supposed to do; we’re not supposed to just stand back and watch someone die if we can help it,” I said over my shoulder. “Why else would people say they were sent back after nearly dying? I mean, I was able to save that little girl, Mandy. If I hadn’t been there, she would’ve died. No deity or other angel stopped me from altering her natural course.”

  “Those lives have more to give. They have not truly lived yet,” he said, cryptic as ever.

  “And I had?” I spun around to face him, letting my anger have sway with me. “I was eighteen years old! How was my time up?”
r />   “You lived longer in those eighteen years than many will live in eighty.”

  “So what? Because I had powers, because I spent most of my life, hell, most of my childhood saving other people I had lived enough?” I screamed, uncontrolled and animalistic, bending my back and tilting my face toward the night sky. The nearby streetlamp flickered before going dark.

  “Are you finished?” he asked, angering me so much that it took what little self-control I had left not to rush at him and rip the feathers from his wings. Only the knowledge that if I touched him, he could pull me into the Light kept me standing still. I stood, glaring at him, trying to ignore the fleeting dizziness. He arched one blond brow at me, as if he knew I felt the effects of losing control, just like he warned me.

  “You do realize how unbelievably unfair all this is, right?” I demanded.

  “Humans often think so. Teenagers especially believe they are prone to injustices. You all think life should be fair and balanced, as if you understand what that truly is.”

  “Don’t,” I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it. We’re just going to go around and around, and right now, I don’t have the time or patience to listen to you.”

  We stared at each other in silence. The only noise heard was the passing cars on Main Street. Even the horde had gone quiet.

  After I had my emotions under control, I said, “So I still have time before that happens,” motioning toward the graveyard.

  He started opened his mouth to speak, but I turned away from him, knowing he was just going to lecture or try to dissuade me.

  “Plenty of time, I should think. If it takes me a hundred years to get back to life, it will be pointless anyway; Jodi and Steven will be dead by then.” I glanced toward the cemetery, looking away just as quickly. A moment later, the street light flickered back to life, washing us and the sidewalk in a sickly yellow.

  “Shayna.”

  “I’ll just have to be careful trying to get Steven’s attention, that’s all,” I said to myself, pointedly not looking at my angel. “Screaming like I did at home took a lot of energy. I’m sure that’ll affect me if I keep that crap up. Strength of will, huh?” I looked up at him but looked away again before he could answer. “Yeah, I bet losing control of your emotions like that really affects how strong your mind is after a while.” I touched my forehead. I was glad the dizzy spell had passed already, but it was a clear warning of what could happen.

  “Shayna,” he said again, but I didn’t answer him.

  “I’ll just have to figure out some other, easier parlor tricks to get his attention. That’s not a big deal. I mean, I’ve done more than that before, right?”

  “Shayna!”

  I turned around again and cut his reprimand off before he could finish. “You know, I have never known your name.”

  “Well,” he stumbled, “you never asked.” I enjoyed his look of confusion, knowing I had thrown him for a moment.

  “It never really occurred to me,” I said. “All those times we met, it seemed like we’d always known each other, so what was a name?”

  “We have always known each other.”

  “But you know my name, and I don’t know yours,” I said. “Maybe if I had known how to call out to you, maybe you would’ve helped me that night in the fire.”

  “Shayna,” he started again, shaking his head and dropping his eyes.

  “So, what’s your name?” I pressed. I was not interested in hearing him lecture me about my natural course. If my choices got me here, then my choices would get me out of it.

  “Oh, well,” he stuttered in a very human way.

  “Look, it’s only fair that I know your name since you know mine.”

  “Ashriel.” His voice rang like a bell again, striking a cord somewhere deep inside of me. For one moment, I felt alive again.

  “Ashriel,” I repeated, wishing I could say it as prettily as he did. “Nice to meet you, finally.”

  I turned again, facing Anthony’s building. Just knowing Steven was in there somewhere pulled at me. I didn’t take a step toward it though, figuring Ashriel had tracked me down in order to stop me from going inside. I wrapped my arms around myself, holding myself together.

  “Shayna,” Ashriel said, still not stepping toward me, but suddenly feeling much closer. “It is unkind to haunt your loved ones.” My mind reeled as I had a moment of déjà vu, hearing Liam’s voice saying the exact same words to me on the night I died.

  “No.” I turned to look at him, wishing I could fill my voice with power to make him understand. “Leaving them was unkind.”

  I stepped toward the edge of the sidewalk, ready to cross the road to Anthony’s building. The thought of seeing Steven, of making contact with him, gnawed at me.

  “You’re not going to try to stop me?” I glanced at Ashriel over my shoulder, cocking one eyebrow at him.

  “I am done chasing you.”

  “Just like that?”

  “No, not ‘just like that,’” he said, his anger peeking out momentarily. “You think you still have free will? Fine. I’ll let you come to me, but you remember what I said to you, Shayna Brigit. If you lose sight of your purpose, if you lose control of your mind and emotions, that is what awaits you.” He pointed at the cemetery, all but forgotten next to us, and its fading and pointless horde of lost spirits.

  “I understand.” He only shook his head at me like it was impossible for me to truly understand.

  “The Light will always search for you,” he said, and then with a crack of thunder, his wings spread out behind him in a glorious fan of golden light.

  “But you’re letting me go. You said…”

  “I am merely your guide, your shepherd.” His feet lifted from the ground as a white light began to shine around his body. “If the Light should find you and you are taken alone, without my guiding hand, you will be lost in the Ether and may not find Paradise.”

  “I understand,” I said again, and again he looked at me like a child beyond true comprehension. “Oh, hey,” I said, stopping him from leaving. “Thanks, Ash.” He dipped forward in the air, nodding at me before he flew off, leaving me alone with the horde. I refused to turn around and look at them, not wanting them to steal what courage I had found.

  I stepped off the curb and went in search of my brother.

  Chapter 3

  Anthony’s building was a squat, grey block surrounded by overgrown ivy plants and palm trees. You could drive by it a hundred times and never remember seeing it. In short, you wouldn’t expect a bright light like Anthony to live that sort of place. I walked around to the back and found Steven’s car in the guest parking. I wanted to make sure he was actually there before I went inside.

  I paused outside of Anthony’s front door, staring at the tarnished gold numbers, feeling awkward just barging in. It wasn’t as though I could knock, but what if I walked in on them in a private situation? I scuffed my toe silently on the doorstep before I steeled myself and stepped through the door. The lights were off, only the blue-white flickering light of the television on. Steven and Anthony were curled up on the couch, leaning into each other over a bowl of popcorn as they watched a movie. I was more than a little relieved I hadn’t walked in on anything embarrassing.

  I heard the movie before I saw it and smiled sadly when I walked around the edge of the couch and saw The Princess Bride. It was Steven’s favorite, and the movie he watched whenever he was sick or heartbroken. They had a stack of DVDs next to the television, a mix of mine and Steven’s favorites. I turned away from Inigo Montoya stalking the six-fingered man to look around.

  Anthony’s apartment was modestly furnished, but looked very modern. He had a clever way of decorating so that he didn’t look like he was struggling week to week while he worked and went to school. An overflowing bookshelf stood in the corner and a two-seater table in the eat-in kitchen. I always assumed Steven would move in after we graduated high school, but already there were signs of how much time he spent there. His
messenger bag, full of school books, had been tossed in a corner and looked as though it had been there the entire winter break. Nearly every surface held pictures of them together. I even spotted some of his laundry in the folded clothes forgotten on one of the kitchen chairs.

  I heard a noise behind me and turned to see Steven stand. He set the popcorn bowl on the coffee table before he disappeared into the hall. He returned a moment later with a blanket.

  “Just making yourself at home, huh?” I smirked, watching as he unfolded the blanket and settled it over both of them before they cuddled close again. Seeing them so normal together was nice. Watching Steven for the last four years, I wasn’t sure he would ever find Mr. Right, but he did, and he’d done it much faster than Jodi or me.

  I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I needed to figure out a way to get Steven’s attention, and mooning over their romance wouldn’t do it. If they had left even one lamp on, I could’ve tried to get it to flicker, but they only had the television on. Maybe I could turn the television off?

  “Worth a shot.” I shrugged and walked over to the stand holding it. I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to do. It wasn’t like any ghosts were hanging around, teaching the tricks to a successful haunting. Though, that would’ve been helpful.

  I tried to touch the television, but as I expected, my hand went right through it. The screen flickered a little where my fingers had touched it. Anthony made a face when he saw the static in the corner before it corrected itself. He shook his head and his face cleared, as if he had convinced himself he was seeing things.