Mending Scars

by Nikki Narvaez

  My own tears poured from my eyes as everything overwhelmed me. Helplessness for not being strong enough for my brother, fury at my mother for her actions, guilt for causing this whole fucked-up mess, all combined with my hormones to create an avalanche of emotion.

  Kamden was still crying after I finally stopped. I continued to hold him, hoping to guide him back from the limb of hopelessness he was balancing on. He needed me now more than ever, and I was going to be there for him.

  “Tell me about your week,” Dr. Lowell prompted at our next session following Kamden’s incident. It had been almost a week since that night, and I’d made sure that he hadn’t had anything else to drink. I felt like an overprotective mother. I knew I was annoying the hell out of him, but it had to be done.

  Kamden let out a deep breath. “I relapsed. Ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning.”

  Dr. Lowell adjusted her glasses and sat up straighter, the concern obvious in her voice as she spoke. “What brought this on? You were doing so well.”

  Kamden ran his hands over his face, then his buzzed head. “I got a letter. Pretty sure it was from my mom, even though it didn’t say it was.”

  Dr. Lowell wrote on her notepad. “Tell me more about this letter. What did it say? How do you know it was from your mother?”

  “Are you sure that he should be talking about this so soon after? It was a traumatic experience for both of us. I thought… I thought he was dead when I found him. I was terrified.”

  Kamden placed a hand on my knee. “Ky, it’s okay. We need to talk about it if we’re going to move past it.”

  I searched his eyes. He still looked wounded, but strong at the same time, like he was ready to move on, but needed support to do so. And I would be that support.

  I smiled proudly at him. “Okay.”

  Kamden gave me a soft smile back, then directed his attention to Dr. Lowell. “Along with the letter, the envelope contained pictures—pictures of me and Kaleb when we were younger. No one would have those except her.”

  The psychiatrist nodded. “And what did the letter say?”

  Hearing Kamden repeat the words from the letter caused my anger to resurface.

  How dare she? She just wants everyone to be miserable like her. Stupid bitch. Kamden was doing so well.

  “What made you turn to the alcohol after so long?” Dr. Lowell asked.

  The answer was obvious, and even though I hated the stupid questions that Kamden’s therapist asked, I knew they were necessary to get him to open up and address his issues.

  “I couldn’t take it. The guilt was so overwhelming, and those pictures.” He paused and exhaled a shaky breath. “Those pictures were branded into my mind. I couldn’t stop seeing them even when I wasn’t looking. I just wanted the pain to go away.”

  Tears rolled down his flushed cheeks, and I rubbed his back in an attempt to soothe him. “It was a stupid moment of weakness.” He looked over at me and apologized. “I’m sorry, Ky.”

  His voice was meek and sorrow-filled. I gave him a comforting smile. “Don’t apologize—it’s not your fault. It’s our bitch of a mom’s fault.”

  His face hardened as his lips formed into a tight-lipped frown. “I should be stronger by now. I need to be stronger.”

  “It takes time to heal. There will be bumps along your road to recovery, but you will get there,” Dr. Lowell said with an assuring smile.

  Kamden nodded. “I hope so.”

  “You will. I have total faith in you,” I interjected. “You’ve helped me through so many hard times, and I know you’re gonna pull through this one.”

  My brother gave me a weak, but genuine smile. “Thank you, sorella. You don’t know how much that means coming from you.”

  Giving him a perplexed look, I scrunched my eyebrows together and slightly pursed my mouth. I didn’t understand why my statement was more meaningful than anything Dr. Lowell had said; she was the expert. “Why?”

  Kamden’s shoulders bobbed as he chuckled softly. “Ky, you’ve been through so much—things that would make some people go insane.” He softly took my hand in his and looked into my eyes. “Hearing that you believe in me after what you’ve endured in your life is empowering. If you can overcome your demons and live with their scars, then I can do the same with mine.”

  I was so wrapped up in his words that I didn’t notice I was crying until a tear rolled down each cheek. My throat was clogged with my emotion, preventing me from speaking, so I just threw my arms around my brother and hugged him tightly. Neither of us needed to say anything as an unspoken understanding passed between us. We were each other’s support, beacons that guided each other through the dark, stormy times. Kamden had been mine for so long, and now it was my turn to be his.

  It was Saturday, and I was absolutely ecstatic to finally go shopping for some stuff for Hayden. We hadn’t been able to go the last weekend because of what had happened with Kamden. I’d been too scared to let him out of my sight once we had brought him home from the hospital, so I stayed in the apartment the whole time.

  Ryker and I walked into the baby store, which heightened my excitement. I’d been a couple of times before to buy gifts for coworkers’ baby showers, but this time was completely different, a whole new experience now that I was a first-time mom-to-be.

  Many of the mothers at my work had told me not to buy things like bottles, diapers, bathing items, or baby toys yet because I would be getting a lot of that at my baby shower. I just had to pick the ones that I wanted and scan them onto my baby registry.

  My heart warmed as I took in the rows and rows of baby clothes, strollers, car seats, and nursery furniture. Ryker looked overwhelmed, his eyes wide as he gazed around the huge store. “Wow.” He whistled.

  I laughed. “Lots of baby shit, huh?”

  “No kidding. This is nuts.” He chuckled.

  I stopped near the baby registry kiosk and looked at Ryker. “We should probably do our baby registry while we’re here. Nori told me she wanted to include it in our shower invitation, and she’s going to be sending them out in the next few weeks.”

  “All right. You do the honors, Momma.” He gestured to the kiosk area.

  A smile crept over my lips, and my heart fluttered. He just called me Momma.

  Oh my God, that’s the sweetest thing ever.

  I walked to the kiosk and started pressing buttons on the screen. After completing the registration and getting the price scanner, Ryker and I headed to the first section of the store and began scanning items.

  Once we had made our way to the clothes section, we’d already picked out a bottle set, a baby bath tub and towel set, a mobile to hang above the crib, packs of diapers and wipes, and nursery items to match the adorable crib set we picked out.

  I wanted to find the perfect outfit for Hayden to wear home from the hospital since it was going to be the very first outfit he ever wore, and I was definitely planning on keeping it.

  We found some cute outfits that we put in our cart, but none that stood out to me as “the one.” I was about to give up and leave when I caught sight of the perfect outfit.

  “Oh, Ryker, look!” I cooed. Tugging his arm, I walked in the direction of the adorable clothes set.

  The outfit consisted of a dark brown onesie with turquoise trim. A puppy playing with a red ball was centered in the middle and teal and brown plaid shorts with the same puppy on them complimented the shirt.

  “It’s so cute.” I ran my fingers over the shorts. “Oh, look at the shoes!”

  A matching pair of slip-on shoes, socks, and a beanie that looked like the top of a puppy head accompanied the set of clothes.

  “This is it.” I grabbed the hanger. “Can you get the shoes and socks?”

  We headed back to the customer service desk to turn in our registry before purchasing the items we had chosen. Ryker carried our bags to the truck before helping me in—it was beginning to get awkward to step up into his lifted Chevy due to my size.

  “H
appy, Warrior?” Ryker asked as he started the truck.

  The smile that had been on my face since we entered the store curved higher. “I’ve never been happier.”

  Kaiya’s birthday was in a few days, and I had finally decided what I was going to get her. Now I was standing in a pet store full of yapping puppies, meowing kittens, and screeching birds. Great fucking idea.

  “Is there something I can help you with today, sir?” A blonde, teenage girl with braces asked. She smiled politely as she waited for me to answer.

  I looked around the store before meeting her eyes. “Um, yeah, I’m trying to find my girlfriend a pet for her birthday.”

  The girl’s smile shifted from professional to genuine. “Aw, that’s so sweet. My name is Becca, and I can help you find the perfect pet for your girlfriend,” she said before pursing her lips to the side in thought. “I, for one, love kittens. Most girls do.”

  I thought about having to deal with cat litter and claws scratching me, then furrowed my brows. I didn’t think Kaiya would like that shit either. “I was thinking a puppy. My girlfriend is pregnant, and I think a litter box would be too much maintenance.”

  “Well, cats are very independent, but pregnant women aren’t supposed to be around cat urine, so I think a puppy is a great idea.” She walked and talked over her shoulder. “Let me show you the puppies we have available.”

  I followed her to the center of the huge store, which had a big sign in the shape of a dog over it. The barking got louder the further we walked into that section. Dog food, leashes, collars, chew toys, and every other kind of dog essential lined the shelves in that, and a glass wall with puppies was in the very back.

  “Are you looking for a small or large dog?” Becca asked as I scanned over my options. I loved big dogs, but I knew Kaiya would think a little dog was cute and would probably dress them up and all that prissy shit. “Small,” I answered.

  The girl nodded with a smile. “Our smaller dogs are on this side.” She guided me to the far left side of the transparent wall of puppies. Some were sleeping, others were playing around, and a few wagged their tails and barked at us.

  “Ryker?”

  I froze in my tracks. That voice was like nails on a chalkboard for me.

  “Ryker, is that you?”

  Fuck me sideways.

  I turned to face someone I hadn’t seen in years; someone I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing.

  Molly.

  “It is you! Fancy meeting you here,” she commented as she approached me. “How have you been?”

  Great until now.

  I forced myself to respond. “Fine. How about you?”

  “Good, thanks.” She placed a hand on her small baby bump as her eyes ran up and down my body. “You look amazing.”

  Pushing the thought of her being pregnant and all the bad memories it caused to resurface, I crossed my arms over my chest. “What do you want, Molly?”

  She shifted uncomfortably and a look of hurt flashed across her face. “I can’t ask an old friend about how they’ve been?”

  I scoffed. “Old friend? If you treat your friends like you treated me, I’d hate to be your enemy.”

  She stretched out a hand out to touch my shoulder. “Ryker, don’t be that way.”

  Stepping back, I moved out of her reach. “What way, Molly? You want me to be happy to see you after what you did?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “That was over five years ago, Ryker! Are you ever going to let it go? Ethan said you had, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

  Let it go? Is she serious?

  I turned and walked away. “Nice seeing you, Molly.”

  “Ryker, wait,” she called after me. I could hear her heels clacking on the floor behind me. “Please. For Ethan.”

  Damn it.

  I stopped as I thought about my brother and our mending relationship. I wanted to get back to how we used to be, and unfortunately, Molly was a part of that.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  “Fine.” Clenching my fists, I turned back around. “What do you want?” I ground out, pissed off about the situation.

  She paused, giving me a hesitant look before finally speaking. “Well, I, uh, want us to be friends.”

  I cocked my eyebrow at her in disbelief. “Friends?” I repeated sarcastically.

  Molly rolled her eyes. “Okay, maybe not friends, but I want us to be civil. Ethan is so happy that you’re talking again and fixing your relationship, and I don’t want your grudge against me to hinder that.”

  Damn it, she’s right.

  No matter how much I hated Molly, I loved my brother more, and I didn’t want my stubbornness to fuck up the progress we’d made.

  I dropped my arms by my sides and sighed, feeling somewhat defeated for having to give in to what Molly wanted. “You’re right.” I forced myself to say. The words left a bad taste in my mouth. “I’ll try. For Ethan.”

  Molly’s eyebrows rose. She must have been surprised that I agreed with her. “Great,” she stammered, then smiled. “I’m glad you’re going to at least try.”

  “I’m not making any promises.”

  She nodded. “I know, but I have faith in you.” Turning around, she called over her shoulder. “I’ll see you around.”

  I stood there, dumbfounded by what had just happened.

  Did I just agree to be civil with Molly? Damn, I’m going soft.

  “Sir? Are you ready to see the puppies?”

  I’d forgotten all about Becca and where I was. Molly had a way of flipping shit upside down like that, and not in a good way. I turned to face the employee helping me. “Yes, sorry.”

  “No problem.” Becca pointed at one of the sleeping pups. “This little guy here is a Maltese. Like all of our puppies, he has all of his shots and is free of any parasites and diseases.”

  The dog she showed me was completely white with long hair. I thought about the white strands being all over the place and the maintenance he would need to stay that clean and white. “Maybe something not so white and fluffy,” I chuckled.

  The teen smiled in understanding. “How about this one? She’s such a sweetheart—very playful and loving.”

  Becca pointed out a tiny Chihuahua. Normally, I didn’t think that the mascot of Taco Bell was cute, especially considering most Chihuahuas had bug eyes and yapped all the time, but this one was different. She didn’t look like most Chihuahuas—she had chocolate brown fur and green eyes.

  I moved closer to the wall of dogs and the small puppy started wagging its tail and scratching at the glass barrier between us. “She’s cute.” I grinned.

  “Would you like to hold her?” Becca asked.

  I hated handling small things—I always felt like I was going to break them somehow with my bulky, clumsy hands. But I definitely needed practice for when Hayden was born, and the little ball of fur in front of me might be perfect for the job.

  “Sure,” I replied, then hesitated. “Wait, she’s not going to piss on me or anything, right?”

  The young worker giggled as she took out a set of keys. “She shouldn’t. We take the puppies out to relieve themselves every hour since they are still potty-training, and I took them out right before you got here.”

  I nodded. “All right, but if she pees on me, I’m sending you the dry cleaning bill,” I joked.

  Becca stuck one of the keys in a lock on the right side of the glass box that held the Chihuahua. “Come here, cutie.” She baby-talked as the puppy bounded to her excitedly.

  She turned around, puppy in hand, and extended her arms out toward me. “Here you go.”

  I awkwardly grabbed the pup and held her in my hands. She was wagging her tail so hard that her whole body shook with her excitement. She wiggled and stretched in my grasp, trying to get closer to me, so I pulled her against my chest so I wouldn’t drop her.

  “She likes you,” Becca cooed as the tiny dog licked my chin and whined in excitement.

  “Okay, oka
y, stop.” I laughed, pulling my face out of reach of the pup’s searching tongue.

  “So, what do you think?” Becca inquired expectantly.

  I looked at the squirming animal in my hands, whose tongue was now hanging out as she panted at me. I chuckled. “I’ll take her.”

  I calculated that I would have maybe ten minutes to spare getting everything ready for Kaiya’s birthday. I planned to surprise her with the puppy, then take her to meet Kamden and Nori at her favorite restaurant for dinner.

  Becca, being the expert salesperson she was, talked me into buying almost one of everything in the dog section for Kaiya’s new puppy: leash, collar, crate, food and water bowls, puppy food, shampoo, bed; you name it, I bought it.

  I wasn’t good at the romantic boyfriend thing, but I was trying my best to make Kaiya’s birthday special. I wanted the puppy to be a complete surprise, so I got a cardboard gift box, poked some holes in the top, put the dog inside, closed it, and slipped a pink bow around it.

  Becca had given me a puppy starter kit that had more essentials that we would apparently need for our new addition. I put everything I had bought and arranged it in the puppy’s bed before hiding it in my closet.

  About fifteen minutes before Kaiya usually got home, the puppy started whining and scratching inside the box. I decided to hold the box in my lap on the couch, hoping that would silence the puppy’s cries.

  The pup still whimpered, so I tried talking to her to calm her down. “Shhh, little one. It’s okay. Just a few more minutes.”

  Thankfully, my plan worked, and Kaiya’s present cooperated with me. “Good girl. Mommy will be home soon.”

  When I heard Kaiya twisting her key in the door, I stood with her present in hand. Her eyes immediately found me as she walked in. “Hey, baby.”

  I walked toward her. “Happy birthday, Warrior.” I presented the gift to her. “I got something for you.”

  Kaiya smiled sweetly as she took the box. “Ryker, you shouldn’t have. The flowers at work were enough, and I know you planned something with Nori.”