“Is that really a good idea?” Faramond said. “You've been training too hard, Athena.”
“No I haven't, I can still walk,” Athena replied. “That means I haven't been training hard enough.”
“You're going to hurt yourself.”
“What could I do that hasn't already been done?” Athena attempted to yank the sword from Faramond's grip, pulling it until her knuckles were white. She swore under her breath when the sword didn't budge. Faramond wasn't even breaking a sweat.
“Give me the sword,” Athena yelled.
“Rest,” Faramond said quietly.
“I don't need to rest!”
Faramond finally dropped the sword, letting it fall into Athena's hands. She grasped it, crying out in pain.
“Don't do something rash, Athena.” Faramond sighed and turned away, probably to take a break away from Athena.
She swung the sword around until her muscles stopped screaming. It took hours, but Athena finally began to feel confident with the sword. Not good, not even decent, but she was, at least, a step above dismal. She knew it would take time. But she was far from a patient person. She wondered if that was something that could be changed. Athena had never been patient, not even before this entire mess began. She could never sit still for more than a few minutes, and she always became frustrated when Laguna tried to keep her cooped up in the house. Athena had always craved adventure. It was in her blood.
Yet, now that she was actually living an adventure, she realized it wasn't anything she had ever dreamed of. It was only a nightmare. One endless, horrible nightmare. If only it could be as simple as running through a summer meadow, chasing the butterflies as she and Tobin had once done. That was an adventure. Swimming in ponds, discovering caves, sloshing through puddles during rainstorms; those were all adventures. There was no danger. No fear. Only laughter and happiness. Back then, there was no shadow in Athena's heart.
A few more days passed. Athena continued to train with the sword, making it her focus. By this point, she was good with the bow and dagger. If an enemy were to ambush her at this very moment, she was decidedly prepared. She slept with her dagger underneath her sleeping bag and her bow directly next to her.
Faramond set up obstacle courses around the camp for Athena to practice sprinting, jumping and crawling. The courses were brutal, causing Athena to sweat profusely, despite the freezing winter air. Apparently, it was perfectly okay to put her through the torture of an obstacle course, but it wasn't okay to let her practice with a sword until she couldn't move anymore.
Although the courses were draining, both mentally and physically, they were exhilarating. They provided Athena with a rush of adrenaline that nothing else did. During an obstacle course, there was no thought of shedding blood. No targets representing humans, and no weapons to wield. Nothing but a good challenge. To Athena, the obstacle course was almost like a childhood adventure. Tobin would have loved it. Someday, we'll have Faramond build another one, just for fun. It was hard to imagine a life with fun now. The obstacle course was the closest thing. And then once her brief moments of almost-fun were over, it was back to weapons training. Back to imagining death.
Athena was ready to stab a throat or heart. She could shoot an arrow through the brain. Faramond had taught her the exact places to aim for when attempting to kill a human. If she had once shaken and vomited at the thought of killing, she was now accustomed to it. It hardly fazed her. Anyone who tried to get in her way of saving the kingdom would have to be taken out. If it came down to killing them, Athena would not hesitate. There was no room for error. The more allies King Landgrave had, the more enemies Athena had.
“You're picking up skills quite rapidly,” Faramond said, watching Athena swing the sword at a target she'd made in a tree.
She missed her target, but only by an inch. If it had been a human she still would have caused a lot of damage, but it wouldn't cause death. Eventually, they'd heal and come after her again. She couldn't incapacitate them, she had to kill them.
“Not fast enough,” Athena said, aiming again.
“You've got good blood,” Faramond mused. “Your parents knew how to fight too.”
“If they were better fighters, they would still be alive,” Athena said, without even thinking. She realized what she had said and shoved the sword in the dirt. Training was turning her into a cold-blooded monster. A killing machine.
Faramond didn't have anything to say. He stood in silence. No tears fell from Athena's eyes. It had been at least a week since she cried. Record time. But it scared her, going from full of emotion to emptiness. Even bitterness. She couldn't feel the cold wind on her skin, but she could feel it running through her veins, turning her to ice. When it came time to face her enemies, would she be as cold as she was right now? Or would she falter? Or perhaps just run away; that option was always on her mind, even when she knew she wouldn't actually do it. She'd be the biggest monster alive if she ran away without even trying to save her kingdom.
“Is there anything I can say to help you?” Faramond asked.
“How often do I truly listen, Faramond?” Athena said, not expecting an answer. Faramond always had the right words to say, and yet, time and time again, she fought him. Her stubbornness, her pride, kept getting in the way. At least she still had the spunk she'd always had. The fire didn't completely leave her eyes, though her eyes were still gray, with only a slight spark left. She longed for the warmth of spring. Maybe it could bring back the emerald eyes she once had. The forest could be full of life and so could she.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Chapter 8
“Every time I see you train, it looks like you're about to fall over and die,” Faramond said one day, as the pair sat on the ground eating their portion of food. “I know you're gaining physical strength, but we both know your mind is out of control.”
Athena frowned. “As if I needed reminding.”
“I'm sorry, Athena, you know what I mean.”
“If I focus on combat, my mind is fine. I haven't talked to myself for days. Even my nightmares have been less traumatic.”
“You're becoming numb to it. Desensitized to the darkness.” Faramond said this with a look of worry, and was that fear that Athena saw? For a man who spoke of emotion often, he rarely displayed much. His tone was nearly always steady, calm. He had only broken that tone at some of Athena's worst moments. Although Faramond's voice was steady, his feelings could be revealed in his eyes and the expressions on his face. When Faramond looked worried, Athena knew she should be worried too. More worried than she usually was.
“That's a good thing though, Faramond. It means that when I actually have to kill, I'll be ready. I won't break down like the last time.”
“But it takes a piece of your humanity, Athena, every time you kill. It should never be easy.”
“If it shouldn't be easy, why are we training?” Athena burst.
“Emotionally, it should never be easy. Physically, it can be one of the easiest things in the world.” Faramond took a bite of bread.
“But isn't being numb better than feeling miserable all of the time?”
Faramond shook his head. “It's a vice.”
“What's not a vice then? Faramond, you tell me I need to control my emotions, but you don't actually explain how.”
“Because you never want to listen, Athena!” Faramond's voice was still calm, but his eyes were gleaming. “If you won't listen to me, how can you listen to your mind? Why don't you want to listen? Why is it that everything is a fight to you?”
I don't know. Was that the truth though? Was it simply because she was stubborn, or was there something more? Maybe it was the Shadow, manipulating her, making her the way she was. You can't just blame the Shadow, Athena. You're still in control, even if you don't believe you are.
“Now that's a good piece of advice,” Faramond said.
“Did I say that out loud?”
Faramond nodded. Listen to your mind right now, A
thena. It knows what it's talking about.
“It does at the moment, but it's crazy, just like me.” Athena stood up, her stomach rumbling. She was perpetually hungry, but her cravings could never be satisfied because there wasn't enough food anywhere. The more strength she gained, the more muscle she built, the more food she needed, but it wasn't available. It was a miracle she and Faramond hadn't completely starved yet. She picked up the sword, ready for a day of training.
“Stop,” Faramond said, putting a cold hand on her wrist.
“Why? I haven't mastered the sword yet, I need more work.”
“Today I'm going to teach you meditation.”
“You think I'm ready for that?” Athena asked, surprised. “You think I'll actually listen?”
“I can only hope you'll listen,” Faramond said. “I can't bear to watch you mope about anymore. Sometimes I wonder whether it's because you're the guardian or because you're a teenager.”
“Was that a joke?”
Faramond smiled slyly.
“I am eighteen years old, Faramond.”
“I believe that still has the word 'teen' in it.”
Athena nudged him. “All right, teach me.” She sat back down across from Faramond.
“First, you must acknowledge all of your fears, all of your worries, and headaches. The sorrows and burdens you've carried.”
“I acknowledge them,” Athena said.
Faramond shook his head. “Say them out loud.”
“Why?”
“Speaking about them is often calming. It's almost as if you're transferring them to someone else.”
“Handing them all over to you? Doesn't that just drag us both down?”
“They aren't my problems. But when you tell me about them, I'll be able to emphasize with you. Empathy, not sympathy, can truly be cathartic.”
Athena nodded. “So you want me to spill everything?”
“Everything.”
“You already know all of it though, don't you?”
Faramond laughed. “Athena, just speak to me. Now is not the time for questions.”
So Athena spoke. She talked about her parent's murders, perhaps the sorrow she'd carried the longest. It was something she used to hardly think about. She couldn't remember them, so it didn't matter, but ever since she had become the guardian, she thought about it constantly. They had died so she could live. And so far, she didn't feel as if it was worth it. Every day, she thought she wasn't strong enough to save the kingdom, that her parents had died for nothing.
Somewhere along the way she began to cry, the feeling of tears flowing, almost foreign, as she'd been so empty lately. She talked about her grandparents’ deaths, killing the spy, Tobin leaving, Edgehill falling apart, losing everything she loved, the constant nightmares.
Finally, Athena talked about her greatest burden: herself. The idea of being the Guardian of the Kingdom was still hard to comprehend, still almost unbelievable. The idea that she had to save the kingdom herself was terrifying. Facing King Landgrave. Facing the Shadow. The Shadow was always there, a part of her, destroying her from the inside. She was always in danger, not just from spies, soldiers, or the king himself, but the Shadow was the constant threat. And unlike all of Athena's other problems, it never left her mind. It was this black spot she couldn't get rid of. A sickness slowly slithering through her body.
Was it cathartic? Athena didn't feel different. Dried tears were all over her face, and she had to blow her nose, but she didn't feel anything different. Faramond sat through it all, expression blank. He didn't say anything at all through it; he only occasionally nodded his head. When Athena was finally done, they sat in silence for several minutes.
She listened to Sapphire the horse snoring a few feet away. It was morning, but the horse often slept through the entire day.
“Are you going to say anything?” Athena asked.
Faramond closed his eyes.
“What, are you sleeping?”
He put a finger to his lips.
Athena waited. Still Faramond said nothing. Finally, she realized he wanted her to do the same. She closed her eyes and stopped moving, sitting like a statue. It was strange. It was uncomfortable. For a moment everything was silent, even the sound of Sapphire's snoring vanished. But it was just an ephemeral moment. As quickly as the silence disappeared, the noise came back. Athena couldn't sit still for very long, nor could she keep her eyes closed. Thoughts began to invade her mind, attacking her.
“Did it work?” Faramond asked.
“No.”
“It did for a second, didn't it?”
Athena stared at him. “Maybe for a second.”
“Then it did work.”
“I don't feel any different, Faramond. I don't feel any better.”
“Just like combat and weapons training, meditation takes time. It takes practice. Monks take years to master it. It's an art.”
“I'm no monk,” Athena mumbled.
“Nor am I, but I know how to meditate. I can let go of everything and enter into a peaceful state for minutes at a time.”
“What good is minutes?” Athena asked. “I don't want to let go for minutes. I want to let go for hours, days, weeks, forever.”
Faramond sighed. “Remember vices?”
Athena rolled her eyes. “Even meditation can be a vice? Well, it's certainly easier to get alcohol than 'enter a peaceful state', so I'll just go to the nearest tavern.”
“Athena, you're not listening.” Faramond was frowning. Athena hated it when his expression changed. It didn't match the serenity in his voice.
“How do you block all of the noise in your mind?” She asked him, genuinely curious, though still cautious. Meditation seemed silly. Athena wasn't looking for a temporary escape. All she wanted was something permanent.
“I'm still thinking, but not of my problems,” Faramond answered. “I think of everything that makes me happy. Everything beautiful in the world. When I think of these things, I feel a sense of peace. The bad stuff disappears.”
“Just like that?”
“No, not just like that. It takes time, Athena. In the beginning you may run into more frustration than peace, but once you start to become more proficient, you'll find that meditation is one of the greatest medications available. And it is always available, you don't have to go searching for it.”
“All I have to do is think of everything that makes me happy? Push all of the bad thoughts out and sit on the ground with my eyes closed?”
“You don't necessarily have to have your eyes closed, nor do you have to be sitting down. Those things just make it slightly easier. The greatest masters can meditate whenever they want, wherever they want. Even sitting at the dinner table or hiking on a mountain.”
“And the more I meditate, the more peaceful I'll become, not just while I’m meditating, but in general?” Athena asked.
Faramond nodded. “It gives you an overall calming falling. Unlike alcohol, it doesn't go away. It can stay with you as long as you want it to, and it doesn't hurt you. Meditation isn't an escape, but a release. It's a way to release your problems, providing room for happiness. Getting rid of negative energy and giving you positive energy.”
“Still sounds foolish,” Athena said.
“Please try it, Athena. Don't give up on it. I don't know how much more negativity you can take.”
Listen to him! Athena's mind was screaming at her to listen to him. He's your mentor. Your teacher. You want to learn, right? So listen to him!
Over the next few days, Athena practiced meditation. Just as Faramond had said, it was frustrating at first, sometimes downright infuriating. What made Athena happy anyway? Her family. They were dead. She thought of their deaths. Tobin. He was gone. She thought of him leaving. The forest in the spring and summer. She thought of winter. Good food. She hadn't tasted good food in a month.
Every time she tried to think of something happy, it was quickly replaced by something negative. It was like there was a bloc
k in her mind, keeping her from truly meditating.
Surely it was easier for Faramond because he wasn't the guardian. The Shadow wasn't as strong for him. There was a darkness pushing and pulling him. For Athena, it was a huge struggle. But she had to accomplish it. She couldn't keep carrying on the way she had been for so long. It was a miracle she had made it to this point. A miracle she wasn't dead.
Eventually, Athena finally began to conquer meditation. She forced herself to think of summer. Without winter. Tobin, without him leaving. Her family, still alive. She created happy images, tossing away bad ones. Soon, Athena was able to meditate for minutes at a time. She started every morning with meditation, giving her a sense of peace to last for the rest of the day. She wondered why she hadn't ever tried before. It would have saved a lot of pain.
“Doesn't it feel great to listen to me?” Faramond asked, jokingly.
Athena nudged him as she so often did, but he was right. It did feel great. The noise in her mind began to diminish. The voices in her head stopped talking. She felt more energetic. More alive.
“There's that fire,” Faramond said.
The tiniest hint of a smile appeared on Athena's lips.
Chapter 9
Athena sat in the middle of camp, legs crossed, arms beside her, completely still. Her eyes were fastened shut; nothing could shake her from her calm state, not the wind howling against her red cheeks, not Sapphire's loud breathing, not Faramond swinging a sword back and forth, chopping into the ground.
All Athena sensed was a warm summer breeze, brushing gently against her neck. She could feel water from a stream bubbling against her feet. Tobin was splashing her, sending a cold shock through her spine. She jumped up, glaring at him.
“Don't you dare,” Tobin growled.
Athena laughed maliciously, splashing a torrent of water all over him. He shivered and yelped. “Athena! I'm going to get you!”
The Enlightenment Page 5