Blank Space

by Francis Gideon

  "Right. I figure it will come up with Kayla in time. Maybe when she starts dating, and I can give her advice on what it's like to date guys. Maybe. I'm fine with that."

  "Does it scare you? That you have to come out to your kids, basically?"

  Adrian laughed. He kept his eyes focused straight ahead, on the girls, without actually looking as if he was focusing on anything at all. "I guess it sounds ridiculous when you put it that way. I mean… we made them. We think they should know about us, but how much did we really know about our parents? Probably not a lot. When you get married, the past disappears."

  Curtis nodded, though his throat felt tight. He didn't like his past disappearing and he was sure Adrian didn't like it, either. Maybe that was why Adrian had started to talk about men more often now. Their kids were getting older, able to understand the nuance of relationships and people, and maybe he was working up to telling Kayla about his past. Curtis admired that about Adrian, though Curtis wasn't sure if he wanted to tell his kids the same thing. Maybe his reservations were fueled by shame, but Curtis also thought it was better that way. Why would you want to come out to your kid? You're raising them, making sure they have a good life. You're not trying to be their best friend who you share secrets with. It's never about you, Curtis reminded himself. It was always, always about them.

  Curtis shifted. He thought again of his mother's words about plans and prayers. But he forgot about the other ways in which having kids changed who you were in all the ways Adrian mentioned. No past. The past was merely another plan that had changed or been forgotten.

  "Anyway," Adrian said, his voice more definitive than before, "what does it matter, right? I still feel pretty damn lucky."

  He took a couple steps forward and crouched down beside the girls, kissing Kayla quickly. When she didn't respond, he tickled her side. She whined and complained, but as Adrian picked her up again, Curtis could tell that neither one of them could be any happier.

  "Hey girls," Curtis said as he crouched down by his kids. "Can you tell me what you were learning about?"

  "I have no idea," Sierra answered honestly. "But it had a lot of nice colours."

  Curtis laughed. He tugged on one of Lacey's curls. She stuck her tongue out. "I saw a lot of people," she eventually responded.

  "On the video?"

  "No, in here."

  Curtis looked around. The room was filling up. Curtis spotted more rowdy kids from the line-up in the lobby and sighed. He glanced at Adrian, who gave him a quick nod.

  "I think," he said, pretending to bite Kayla's ear as he set her back on the ground, "that it's time for lunch. What do you think?"

  More cheers. Curtis nodded and got to his feet. With both girls' hands in his, he followed behind Adrian as they scouted out a place to sit. Just before they got to the elevator, Curtis felt his phone buzz. He took it out and saw a message from Simone.

  Cute! Thanks for the photo. I have to say, you two make a good team.

  Curtis bit his lip, heart swelling, before he put his phone away again.

  *~*~*

  They ate lunch on some benches by the Living Earth exhibit. It was really, really hard to get all the girls to sit long enough to eat on any given day, let alone trying to distract them from the huge displays of parts of the earth's crust. Sierra held onto her Star Wars backpack like it was a security blanket. Curtis could hear her and Kayla discuss some very serious matters about school, but eventually Sierra started to tell Kay an abbreviated and somewhat mixed up version of the Star Wars universe. Curtis beamed as he heard some of the details; he didn't know if he could be prouder as a father.

  Adrian nudged his shoulder. "Have they seen the movies yet?"

  "I think we watched Episode IV earlier in the summer. She told me she fell asleep, though, earlier today. So who knows what all they remember. It may be good to watch them again. "

  "We should make a night of it, then. It seems Kayla's getting interested."

  Curtis nodded, beaming. "Sure."

  Lacey tugged on Curtis, breaking the moment. She had smeared jam all over her face, so Curtis wandered into the bathroom to grab some paper towels. He silently thanked whoever had designed the Science Centre that there was a gigantic family rest room stall. When the kids were younger, Curtis could take them into the men's room without much of an issue, especially at a family place like this. But once the girls were old enough, he didn't exactly want them to be in a men's room. It was always difficult taking the girls out as dads. The world wasn't built for dads.

  After he cleaned Lacey's face, she announced she had to go to the bathroom, so there was some challenging struggles as he got her into the family washroom. Kayla and Sierra were both old enough to go to the women's washroom by themselves, so Adrian merely sent him sympathetic looks as Curtis juggled his youngest for a bit longer. Once they were all back at their makeshift lunch station, they only had their small pudding pops and fruit cups left.

  Adrian peered down at the brochure as the others ate and nudged Curtis. He pointed to the Space and Planetarium exhibits with raised eyebrows.

  "Maybe, since we've been talking so much Star Wars…?"

  Curtis laughed. "You sound like her this morning."

  At the mere mention of Star Wars, Sierra turned around. "What?"

  With an affirmative look from Curtis, Adrian showed Sierra the small display on the map and spoke in even tones. "Your dad and I were just looking at the space section of the Science Centre. There are lots and lots of things about the planets—not just earth—and I even think there's a Star Show."

  "Star Show?" Curtis asked, not remembering this display.

  Adrian narrowed his eyes. "Come on, Curtis. Star show! It's really, really nice," he said before turning to the girls to include them. "You lie back and look up at the night sky they make on the ceiling. They go through all the constellations that are possible and tell you a story about each one. It's really, really pretty."

  "Yes, please, daddy!" Lacey said. "I want to go."

  "Yeah, me too," Sierra added.

  Kayla merely tugged on her dad's sleeve and nodded.

  "I'm down, Kay. Are you, Curtis?"

  Curtis remembered now. A long, long time ago, Curtis had brought a girlfriend to the Centre when they had first started dating in the summer. She had dragged him to the Star Show because she thought it was romantic, and they had made out in the back for a while until they got kicked out. Curtis shook his head at the memory, before he glanced at Adrian.

  "Is that a no, Curtis?"

  "No—I mean. Yeah. Sure. Of course we'll go."

  The girls cheered. Adrian clapped Curtis on the back, leaving his hand there a little longer than Curtis anticipated. When he glanced at Adrian again, he was already looking at the girls.

  "C'mon. Let's wash our hands and get ready. Our afternoon's gonna be that much better."

  *~*~*

  The next star show was at three, so Curtis and Adrian worked on keeping the girls busy with The Living Earth exhibit. There was a lot to touch on display, even a few interactive exhibits like the one where they could walk through a simulated rock surface on Mars. They did as many of the interactive pieces as they could in an attempt to tire the girls out. Curtis secretly worried—but mostly hoped—that the girls would fall asleep in the Star Show. It was dark enough, from what he remembered. Lacey and Sierra didn't have naps anymore as much as they had "afternoon quiet time" when their mother was around.

  "Does Kayla nap?" Curtis asked Adrian when they got extra close during an earth crust display.

  Adrian waved his hand, signalling fifty-fifty. "She used to, but if we even mention nap now she will resist. Whereas if we just let her play, she will most likely put herself down for a nap."

  "Already resisting authority," Curtis said with a snicker. "I like it."

  "Well, I hope she learned from the best." Adrian gave Curtis another pat on his back as he pushed past him in the display, trying to catch up to Kayla and Sierra. Curtis staye
d with Lacey by his side, still feeling the impression of Adrian's palm on his lower back.

  "Do you want to head over now?" Adrian asked when they were out of the large rainforest display. "It's about twenty to three, but we could give them a snack while we wait in line…?"

  The mere mention of snack sent the girls zooming over to Curtis's side and close to his backpack. He and Adrian let out a chuckle.

  "I guess we have our answer, then."

  In line, Curtis handed out granola bars while Adrian collected any trash that was leftover. They weren't the first people in line—there were already three families ahead of them—so Curtis was relieved they had arrived when they did. When Curtis noticed that one of the families was the one that had mistaken them for a couple, he wasn't quite sure what to do. Do I really need to do anything? He debated tapping Adrian's back or brushing their fingers together like Adrian seemed to be doing a lot of today. For a moment, Curtis wanted to pretend they were a couple, just to see what this possible pathway in life would have been like.

  "What are you thinking about?" Adrian asked, nudging Curtis's side. "You got a distant look to your eyes."

  "Nothing."

  Adrian eyed him sceptically. Kayla, Sierra, and Lacey were all playing some strange hand slapping game—like Miss Mary Mack, but with lyrics Curtis didn't recognize—and he was sure they couldn't hear them.

  "I was just… I had a girlfriend who took me here."

  "Oh?" Adrian said, grin devilish. "This place is just as romantic as the miracle of life room."

  "Yeah, that's what she said."

  Adrian's gaze lingered. Curtis was about to take a step forward, maybe to brush their hands together, when the worker from the Science Centre came out. She spoke in an even tone as she stated the general procedures in the Star Show and undid the velvet rope to let them inside the room.

  "C'mon girls," Adrian probed gently. He held out his hand for Kayla while Curtis did the same for Sierra and Lacey. They all walked in together and grabbed some of the small black blankets you could take if you wanted to lie down at the front. Adrian held the pile for the girls, and made his way to the far front, near the lights that projected the stars on the stitched black sky.

  "This okay?" he asked Curtis.

  "Sure. Looks good."

  There were a few rows of benches in the back if you wanted to sit and watch the show rather than lie down—but with kids, this was the easiest option. Curtis waited until Adrian laid down all of the blankets and until his kids laid down. Kayla burrowed into one of Adrian's sides, Sierra laid next to her, and then Lacey stuck close to her. There was a shallow spot, near Adrian's vacant side, where Curtis could sit and still remain close to his kids, too.

  "Saved you a spot," Adrian said playfully patting the area.

  Curtis was glad it was already pretty dark as he sat down and felt the blush on his cheeks.

  "All right. Thank you everyone for coming," the woman running the show stated. She tip-toed her way towards the light display, grinning down at a few kids who had circled around her. "I want to welcome you all to the Ontario Science Centre's Star Show. Today, since it's late February, I want to show you a skyline that you could see if you looked up without all the light pollution. Pretend there are no buildings around—just a forest. You are standing in the very same spot in Toronto, maybe a hundred years ago."

  The black ceiling sky changed as if someone had turned down a dimmer switch. The city skyline near the bottom disappeared entirely as small pin pricks of light became brighter, forming the stars. They widened and appeared to grow even larger against the dense black night, as if they could swallow up everything in sight.

  "Now, this figure in the sky is something we should all recognize: the Big and Little Dippers, which are part of Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. Or, the Bears."

  Curtis found Lacey's hand, squeezed it, and whispered "Lacey Bear" to her. She let out a small murmur, then fell quiet again as more stars emerged. Each constellation the woman spoke out brightened in the sky to oohs and ahhs from the crowd. A few kids—not ours, Curtis thought gratefully—were a bit too loud at one point, but soon quieted.

  "This is the star sign Aquarius. Is anyone here born under Aquarius?"

  A few kids and one or two adults put their hands up.

  "Well, happy belated birthday."

  Curtis nudged Adrian. "Aren't you…?"

  "Capricorn," Adrian said, shaking his head. Even in the dark, Curtis could still see his bright eyes and jovial smile. "Get it right, Curtis. God."

  Curtis laughed. There was no way his star sign, Libra—or was it Virgo?—would be in the sky. He never paid attention to those things, anyway. But as the next sign, Pisces, emerged in the sky, he found himself paying attention again.

  "Pisces, formed here by these two converging lines, are meant to represent two fish. This sign will be visible after Aquarius in mid-March."

  "Mom?" Sierra whispered a bit too loudly. Curtis nodded to her and ushered her focus back to the sky. Curtis suddenly wished he knew when Simone's birthday was, so he could look out for her sign too. Maybe it was June? He struggled to remember when he had gone over to their place for a party. It could have been a BBQ, a house warming party, or her birthday—Curtis was never good with dates like that.

  As the woman speaking moved on from the star signs to some of the planets visible, the room quieted. She knew her stuff, and she didn't stumble or fumble as she got to the moons of some planets. Curtis thought he heard Kayla laugh maniacally at her correct pronunciation of Callisto, but he wasn't certain.

  "Do you know what I like about the night sky?" the woman asked. "It's that no matter where you are in the world, when we all look up and see a constellation—for instance Orion," she flicked a light that made the stars forming the hunter's outline illuminate on the black ceiling, "we all see the same stars in the sky. Someone in Paraguay and in Morocco both see the same Orion. Maybe not in the same place in the sky, but I still think that's pretty cool. Also—these stars are so, so old. The same stars that Sir. John A. McDonald saw, you see right now."

  There were ohhs and ahhs from the crowd. Once, when Darcy had gone back to Alberta for a family reunion and Curtis had to stay in Toronto—long, long before any kids had been born—they stayed up most of the night talking on the phone. Curtis asked her to find the moon in the sky, and when she did, he said he was looking at the same moon. It had worked to feel a little closer, for a time at least.

  Curtis turned slightly on the ground as the woman kept speaking. He wanted to shift closer to Adrian, maybe to tell him that same story about himself and Darcy, even though their whispered words would surely be too loud. When Curtis shifted, though, he found that Adrian was already closer than he remembered. After a second, Adrian's hand brushed up against Curtis's leg. At first, by mistake. He felt Adrian's fingers rub against his side, then move away as if he'd touch fire. But as Curtis waited, on the edge of a breath, he felt Adrian's fingers come back.

  Curtis didn't move. He didn't know what to do or say, really. He could no longer hear what the woman was saying about the stars, but she put up more images on the skyline to display. Curtis was pretty sure he heard Lacey snoring lightly, too. Kayla and Sierra were either pretty engrossed in what was going on, or they were asleep too. It's dark, Curtis told himself. No one can see.

  He moved a little closer to Adrian. Adrian's fingers found his own. They stayed there, next to his, until he finally linked their hands. Again, Curtis didn't move. He could barely breathe now and though he desperately wanted to glance at Adrian, he was afraid of what he may see. Is this intentional? What does Adrian want? Curtis took in a shaky breath and watched as the woman pointed out Venus in the sky. He curled his fingers into Adrian's hands, only to feel him tug back. Squeezed back. Oh, God, Curtis thought. That is intentional. And I've moved into it. What am I doing? For a moment his mind panicked, though his body remained perfectly calm. He held Adrian's hand under the fake night sky projected on the ceiling. His he
art thudded in his chest. His fingers got warm, so relaxed, comfortable…

  Then Lacey jerked out of her sleep. It wasn't anything to worry about, just a sudden falling reflex. But it was enough to snap Curtis back into reality and tug his hand away from Adrian's. He ran his palm up and down Lacey's arms, cooing into her ear.

  "Shh. Almost over. We're just watching stars."

  He was grateful that Lacey didn't seem too bothered by her sudden nap and awakening. She curled into Curtis's side and continued to listen as the woman pointed out the final bits.

  "The last thing I want to draw your attention to is the moon. Tonight, it's going to be full. In February, this is called the Snow Moon. It will hang low in the sky as it moves across, and set just as our sun rises."

  As the white orb moved across the scene, Curtis's heart hammered harder in his chest. The show was almost over. When he glanced back to where Adrian still lay, he looked the same. He stared up at the ceiling, his body tilted towards his daughter. Even as Curtis laid his hand down next to his again, there was no tug back. No pull into another embrace.

  Curtis didn't know if he was saddened or relieved.

  "And that concludes our star show," the woman said. "Now remember: no matter how far apart you are from one another, you'll always share the same space. Be careful of those around you as you leave. Respect their boundaries and how long it takes them to gather themselves to the exit on the left. Be patient with the night sky—it's the only one we have. Be sure to come again to the Ontario Science Centre's Star Show. Thank you. Have a great night."

  Chapter Five

  Stupid, stupid, Adrian chastised himself. He realized what he had done as soon as his hand had touched Curtis's. It was one thing to constantly nudge him. Adrian was just a chummy guy, one who always shook his clients' hands and often wanted to hug all of them before they left his office. Especially when Adrian had completed a will or power of attorney; those were emotional documents that deserved hugs. When Adrian was with Curtis, who had been his friend for years, why couldn't he be a little extra touchy-feely? For one day? Adrian had tried to convince himself none of the touches mattered as they wandered through the many exhibits and displays. They were taking their kids out together, so it was natural to get a little domestic.