Blank Space

by Francis Gideon

  Darcy caught his gaze first. She looked at Adrian, and though it took her a while, she smiled.

  "Darcy," Adrian said aloud, trying to sound formal, feeling a bit like a figure in a medieval romance novel. "Can I hold your husband's hand?"

  Darcy burst into sudden laughter. "I don't make decisions for Curtis."

  "No," Curtis said, "but I want to know how you feel."

  Simone piped up then, singing back lyrics from a Say Anything song that somehow fit with the conversation. Adrian beamed, understanding right away. Darcy took until the chorus to remember the lyrics while Curtis still remained blank, unsure.

  "What? I don't get it?"

  "How do you not know this song?" Simone gasped, hitting the table with sudden expression. "I'll give you a USB full of music like a normal person. Then you'll have no excuse."

  "Okay, sure. I'd like that."

  "Good, but to get back to your point…" Darcy said. She glanced at Adrian, then at Curtis. "I don't make decisions for Curtis. That being said, we are here to figure out what's good and what's bad. What's okay, and what's too far. So we have to decide on things together."

  "I want..." Curtis said. He stopped then started, only to look at Adrian. "I love him."

  "And I love him," Adrian repeated. He saw Darcy's face twitch—not with anger, but with a sudden sadness. The kind of tears Adrian remembered crying when Kayla was born. Happy tears.

  "I've never..." Darcy said, holding a hand to her mouth. "I've never seen his face like that."

  "Like what?" Curtis asked. "My face?"

  "Yes. I've never seen you telling someone you love them. I see it with the kids, I see it with me. But this is different."

  "Not more," Curtis said, shaking his head. "I don't love Adrian more."

  "I know that." Darcy waved her hand in the air. "Be patient, Curtis. Let me finish." She took a deep breath, and then Simone put a hand on her side. "I know you don't love Adrian more. But I see the way you look at him now. And I see him look at you. And—I'm not jealous. I'm happy. I get it now. I understood it before, but now I get it, if that makes sense?"

  "It does," Curtis said. He placed both of his hands on the table, and then glanced at Adrian. "I want you to hold my hand."

  Something inside Adrian shifted. Away from shame, away from being afraid. He glanced at Simone, who grinned. Adrian slid his hand into Curtis's. On the table, in front of everyone. Then Curtis extended his other hand to Darcy by his side, and Adrian lifted his free one up to hold Simone's. She grinned a little as she took a hand off her belly and slid it inside Adrian's palm, squeezing him tightly.

  "Okay," Darcy said. "I get this. This works... Whatever it is."

  "A quad," Simone said, still keeping the book open with her free hand. "I think this arrangement—our arrangement—is called a quad, since all four of us are involved. But since we're both couples, we're a cross-couple quad, where you two form another couple in between the two already existing ones. Does that make sense?"

  "Yes, actually. A cross-couple quad," Curtis said. "I like it."

  It did have a nice ring to it.

  "And our kids?" Curtis added.

  "Our kids... already know. And whatever's in between, we tell them the truth," Darcy said. "Does that sound about right?"

  "And what is the truth?" Adrian asked. He wanted to hear it from someone else, because he already could feel it deep inside of him. His gut feeling—a good one—felt primordial, almost without language.

  "Well," Darcy started, taking a deep breath and gazing out at all of them as she spoke. "We love each other. We're married and we have kids. They're our focus. We have jobs and responsibilities that we discuss and attend to. But after that, at night, during the moments beyond the parent-teacher conferences, beyond mortgages and trading vehicles with car seats..." Darcy trailed off and looked at Simone. Simone bit her lip, discarding the book, so she and Darcy could finally join hands as Darcy continued. "Beyond all that, I think we should learn to keep the stray hours and moments we have together as something special. We should figure out the rest as we go. Because I know who I love, and who they love. And right now, I'm really happy with that."

  For a moment, Adrian wished he had his hands. He wanted to hide his face, especially as some tears fell. But Curtis let go of his hand first, to wipe his own tears, and then Adrian's against his cheek.

  "Yeah, okay," Curtis said. "I'm good with that."

  "Me too," Adrian said and linked their hands gain.

  *~*~*

  There was more discussion. Darcy, as the hyper organized person she was, got out a calendar and began to divide up the days. She wrote down the easy stuff first—birthdays (Simone and Kayla were next in line, both summer babies at the end of June and beginning of July)—then the harder things like ultrasound appointments and nights with the in-laws, holidays, PA days for the kids. It seemed like a mess of ink at first, but now there were people around Adrian could turn to for help, none of the days seemed overwhelming anymore.

  "We all have each other's phone numbers, right?" Darcy asked. They all confirmed, gave email contacts, and social media listings, just to stay hyper-connected. These parts were the nuts and bolts of a relationship, all down to what was expected when intimacy was concerned. Protection, again, was a must—though Adrian had pretty much given up getting anonymous sex. Maybe in time, after a doctor's visit from everyone, they'd revisit the condom rule between all four of them, but for now, Adrian and Curtis were both fine with it.

  "This is an awkward thing to bring up…" Darcy began.

  Simone cut in, "No! Never awkward. Let's just ask!"

  Darcy rolled her eyes, but continued. "Okay. Well. Who's going to sleep with whom at night? It's small, but it's important, you know? Especially since we live at least twenty minutes on a good day from one another."

  Adrian's eyes widened. The house next door. Moving. He had completely forgotten about all of it with the sudden and overwhelming need for pizza, coffee, and holding Curtis's hand.

  "Actually," Simone said, grinning at Adrian before she pulled up her phone. "As you probably know, Adrian and I were thinking of moving so we can have more room with this new baby. But you may not be aware that your next door neighbour's house just came on the market."

  Curtis actually gasped. He placed a hand over his mouth, pretending he didn't, but Adrian knew. He scooted closer to Curtis at the table and—very tentatively—put an arm around him. Curtis nearly jumped under the touch, but as soon as he understood, he relaxed into it.

  "I've been calling them all day, but they've been busy. They just sent me a text now, though. We can look at the place tomorrow. So what do you say?" Simone's red lips spread into an almost Joker worthy grin before she went on. "We don't have to get that house—there are lots on the market and I can find whatever I want—but with all the scheduling we will have to do in the future, it may seem like the most reasonable thing."

  "And of course reason is what's fuelling this decision," Darcy said, teasing. But her dark eyes were wide, a smile on her face. She glanced at Curtis and extended her hands across the table to him. "Just think! A babysitter so close by!"

  She shot a look to Adrian, who only laughed. He didn't care if he acted as babysitter the rest of his life. If it was Curtis's kids he was watching, he'd gladly do it.

  "So is that a yes?" Simone asked. She eyed Adrian, then allowed her gaze to fall on Curtis. "Should I use all my skills to get us that house?"

  "Yes," Darcy said. "Don't take no for an answer."

  Adrian turned to Curtis and waited. He said nothing for a long, long time.

  "Are you okay?" Darcy asked, squeezing his fingers.

  Curtis swallowed visibly, before he curled his hand around the nape of his neck. "I just…Permission... Can I have permission to kiss your husband, Simone?"

  Darcy rolled her eyes along with Simone.

  "Obviously. But tell me a damn answer about the house first."

  "Yes," Curtis said. "Yes, get the
house next door. That's like... a dream."

  "Then I'll make it a dream come true." Simone clicked her thumbs against her phone, already typing out a response as Curtis turned to stare at Adrian. All Adrian could do was nod slowly. Yes, it this is a dream. He didn't know how he could ever get so lucky—except when Curtis's lips finally met his. Slow and unsure, Curtis didn't press very hard at first. Curtis even still held onto one of Darcy's fingers as he kissed Adrian, which Adrian didn't mind at all. He ran his fingers around the collar of Curtis's shirt, then opened his mouth to breathe him in.

  After another moment, they pulled away. The kiss had been small, with no tongue. But it was the start of something so much bigger than Adrian could even imagine.

  "You know," Simone said, folding away her phone, the message now complete. "Kisses were used to seal contracts back in the day. That's why we kiss at wedding ceremonies. So I think we're set for now."

  "Not quite yet," Curtis said. He got up from his spot and moved closer to Darcy. He bent down by her knees, and brought their faces close together. A few words passed between them that Adrian couldn't hear—nor did he want to hear; those words belonged to Darcy and Darcy alone. Adrian got up from his spot and crouched down by Simone.

  "How did you get to be this perfect?" he whispered to her.

  "Years of practice, sweetheart." She tipped her head down, and then clasped his hands in hers. "Now come on and kiss me too."

  Adrian did so eagerly. He pulled her close and felt her lip tremble in his mouth as their tongues met, before he pulled her into a hug.

  "I love you," she said into his ear. "So fucking much."

  "I love you too. Thank you."

  She rubbed his back for a long time before she nodded into his neck. "Anything for you, dear. Anything."

  Adrian kissed her once again, before whispering the same into her ear.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Curtis stood outside on his front porch as the night air nipped at his fingers. It was considerably warmer now that it was the first week of May; there was no more rain and his front lawn was getting green again. I'll probably have to cut the grass soon. Get the girls' equipment out from the garage, maybe even plant a garden… He trailed off from his mundane thoughts and finally just looked at his next door neighbour's house.

  The place was two storeys, maybe three with a small attic. Paved driveway for one car but space for two in the garage. Large backyard. Just like Curtis's in almost every way. All the lights were off on the house, but Curtis could see the flickering of a TV in one window high enough up to be a bedroom. Adrian and Simone's future bedroom, Curtis thought. He walked down from his porch, towards the sidewalk, and turned around so he could eye both structures side to side. The thought of Adrian living next door filled him with so much excitement. More than his first tattoo, his first show, everything. His excitement also made him worry, all of a sudden, because he didn't want it to be taken away. Now that he had finally confronted the problem and he was given all he wanted, it meant something bad would happen, right? Curtis had always prepared for the worst; he almost didn't know how to take something good for a change.

  So he tried not to think. Instead, he looked up at his own house. Darcy's light was on in their bedroom, along with the kitchen and living room. He glanced back at the soon-to-be empty house next to him. He spotted the blue real estate sign in the corner of the lawn, almost hidden by a tall willow tree. He baulked at it, still not believing it was all real. The neighbours had probably put up the sign that afternoon.

  "Hey. Room for one more?" Adrian stood on the porch with both his hands burrowed in his jean pockets, a slight grin on his face.

  "Sure," Curtis said. "Come join me. Look at your future house."

  "Maybe our house," Adrian said quietly as he stood next to Curtis on the sidewalk. "I don't want to get too excited before we sign any of the papers."

  Curtis was about to say—Simone is a whiz, of course you'll get this—but he only nodded. "I know the feeling. I... I always worry something this good will get taken away from me. So sometimes I destroy it first."

  When Adrian's eyebrows kitted together, Curtis felt his chest tighten. He extended his hand and waited for Adrian to take it. When he did, he held it by his side. They were heavy together, secure.

  "Not this though," Curtis said. "I won't destroy this after we worked so hard for it."

  "Good. Me either."

  The two of them stayed like that, standing side by side, watching their new houses—their future houses—for some time. When the flickering of the lights on the neighbour's house turned off, Curtis turned back to his own door.

  "Should we go back in? Help clean up?"

  "Nah. Simone and D already kicked me out. Why do you think I'm here?"

  Curtis tilted his head, trying to pinpoint Adrian's tone.

  "Come home with me," Adrian said.

  "But... Isn't Simone?"

  Adrian shook his head. "She's going to stay with D tonight. They're hoping to talk out some of their own issues—though really, I think Simone is just excited to dish to someone. Who has more in common with them now than ever before, right?"

  Curtis nodded slowly. "She wants you to go with me?"

  "Yes. It's hard to believe, right? But they want us to work out our issues while they work out theirs. Or something. Do you want to go back in and ask them?"

  Curtis draped his free hand over his phone. He had felt it go off when he stepped outside earlier, but he had ignored it since the people he wanted to hear from were already in the house. Maybe the text had been from Darcy, letting him know the plans. When Curtis went to check, he found out he had been right. Darcy sent him a quick message—enjoy your night, boys—and then said she loved him before saying goodnight.

  "In the morning," Adrian added, as Curtis texted Darcy a quick reply, "Simone said she'd drive to her mom's place to get Kayla. From there, who knows? But they said it was okay if I took you home with me tonight. They pretty much demanded it, actually."

  "Yeah, I see that now. I guess we really do have our own stuff to work through."

  Adrian nodded. His gaze had returned to the house, but also at the sky. He squeezed Curtis's hand a little more. Curtis thought of the Star Show at the Science Centre, and how the woman had said all the stars in the sky were the same; no matter where Curtis was tonight, Darcy could look up and see the same ones. Simone could too. They were all close enough, now.

  "I think we could do a few other things tonight," Adrian said, voice low. "If you want. If you're ready."

  Curtis grinned. Tonight, the two of them could finally have the sex they had spent so much time thinking about and narrating to one another over and over again. But all of that was secondary to Curtis. What kept him going, what he wanted more than anything, was another kiss. Alone, away from eyes at the table or inside the house. Just another kiss; from there, he was content wherever it would lead.

  "Yeah," Curtis said. "I think I do want to go home with you."

  "But?" Adrian asked, a wondering edge to his voice.

  "Let's take it slow, okay? And listen to music," Curtis added.

  "Of course. How do you think we got into this mess? Music has to be a part of this."

  They chuckled together this time before their gaze caught one another. Curtis could feel the anticipation of a kiss on the end of their words, but he wanted to draw it out. He wanted to get to a place first, so he tugged Adrian towards the house. They gathered up some clothing, said goodbye to their wives, and then Curtis got into his van. When he turned the key in the ignition, the mix CD from before came on again.

  "You liked it, huh?" Adrian said. "I'm glad you kept listening to it."

  Curtis could only nod. The CD was almost near the end as they began their drive. The low notes and quiet desperation of Against Me!'s "Black Me Out" made Curtis's stomach quiver with butterflies. About halfway through the drive into the city, when they had gotten to "Smells Like Queer Spirit" again, Adrian put his hand on Cu
rtis's knee. It was small, and clearly all he wanted in that moment. Curtis felt the hand like a gift, and whenever he could—at stoplights or stop signs—slid his fingers over Adrian. It was almost like they had been together all this time. The intimacy, their moments coordinated. Curtis's butterflies turned from tension to anticipation. Finally, as "Once In a Lifetime" came over the speakers, Curtis was happy and excited. They knew how it would end now, in bed together. It just depended on how far or how long they wanted to take.

  Adrian opened up his front door, then flicked on the hall lights. The stairs from the bottom to the first hallway in the townhouse were narrow—way too narrow for children. "I'm glad you're moving," Curtis said, laughing as he nearly fell. "Not just because you'll be next door. But because this is just ridiculous."

  "Hah. I know. There are lots of things to be excited for now."

  When Adrian got to the top, he extended his hand and pulled Curtis into his house the rest of the way. As soon as the door was closed, Curtis moved against the wall. Adrian leaned over him, held his face in his hand, and then pressed their lips together. Finally, alone. In the dark of the townhouse, their bodies came together. This was perfect. This was everything it ever needed to be.

  "You okay?" Adrian asked when he pulled away. He put his forehead against Curtis's, his body still pinned to the wall.

  "Yeah, I'm wonderful." Curtis bit his lip, then met Adrian's again. They kissed with open mouths, their tongues touching right away. It was nothing they hadn't done before, but each movement felt new. Heat and arousal snaked its way through Curtis's body with a feverish urgency. Adrian took his hand and traced his thumb over Curtis's skin as he continued to kiss him slowly.

  After a few moments of hazy, excited making out, Adrian nuzzled his head against Curtis's neck and traced his tongue over to Curtis's ear. "Will you come with me? To the bedroom?"

  Curtis nodded against the wall, then whispered. "It's dark, though. I don't know where I'm going."

  Adrian smiled against the skin on his neck. He looped their hands together more and tugged. "Trust me."

  Curtis followed.