Pushing Send

by Ally Derby

  Neither Hudson nor Ash are at school again, and I am kind of glad. I guess I need a dose of reality, and they are not a reality. I know this because today, I am not wearing headphones. I forgot them when I was in a mad dash to get out the door. They miss school a lot. I wonder why.

  Bee sits with me at lunch, although I don’t deserve her kindness. I don’t want to be rude and get up, either.

  As Skylar sits next to her, I hear the gasps from the judgmental mouths of my peers.

  “You sure you wanna sit here, Sky?”

  “I don’t really care what they say.”

  “Well, until today, I never really paid attention.” I look at Bee. “No hoodie or headphones, so I’m all in, Bee.”

  She reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze, “Sorry.”

  “Better not do that.” I pull it away. “Apparently, I am a lesbian.”

  “Oh, man, you heard that?” Bee asks sadly.

  “Yep, while I was at Tryon, I morphed into a lesbian.” I half laugh because it is, in fact, funny that people think it’s a choice. “Funny thing about that is that we had a group about sexuality in lock up. Some of the girls said they were lesbians, and one of the YDAs said—”

  “YDAs?”

  “Youth Division Assistants,” I explain.

  Bee leans in, “Okay, go on, tell us all about it.”

  “She told the girls they were going through the change while being surrounded by a bunch of females, so of course they thought they were lesbians. Then she laughed and said, “When you get out and manage to keep yourself out that may change.” One of the girls argued that men are no good. I think she had been abused or something. Well, after she did some counseling sessions, come to find out, her fear or hatred of men worked itself out, and she was no longer a lesbian.

  “YDA Cunningham told us that, when she was younger, a bunch of kids started a rumor that she was, even had her convinced that she was fighting it. She had school counselors even trying to get her to open up to them about her hidden lesbianism.”

  “Is that a real word?” Sky laughs. “Lesbianism?”

  I shrug. “Don’t know, but her point was that these people who sit around and judge you, the people who are freaks about political correctness, almost had her convinced she must be—”

  “Yep, it’s a real word.” Sky holds up her phone. “Lesbianism, right here: homosexuality in women.”

  The whispers become louder, and Skylar blushes, then gets pissed.

  “What? It is a word,” she yells out. “Bunch of idiots,” she mumbles the last part under her breath. “Go on.”

  “Long story short, she’s not, but boy did she question it. It caused her four years of hell in high school, too. She was depressed, withdrawn, and doubted herself. I will say it made her a very good counselor.”

  “How awful was it in there?” Bee asks.

  “Pretty awful,” I admit, pushing my tray away.

  “Sorry, I won’t push.”

  “Thanks.”

  ~*~

  After school, I walk out, and I’m heading around the corner toward my house when Hudson pulls up.

  “Get in, Hadley. I’ll give you a ride.”

  “I’m gonna walk.”

  “Bull. Get in.” He laughs.

  “Hudson”—I look down at my feet—“I need to just be me for a while.”

  “You mean you’re gonna wallow in it?” he says.

  I look up, “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Cool, but don’t let it consume you. Bad things happen with excessive consumption.”

  I nod.

  “When you’re done wallowing in it, hit me up?”

  “I think you’re gonna be pretty busy with the line of Hudson fans following behind me, just waiting for this to be done.”

  “Right.” He smiles. “Still, I kind of like you, Hadley. If you’re interested when you’re done wallowing, I may give it another go, and I don’t give second chances anymore.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to say anything, only gives me a wink, then pulls out and down the road.

  When I get home, my father meets me at the door.

  “You think we should go get your permit?”

  I really have no desire to drive, and I think the look on my face tells him that.

  “It’s a rite of passage, Hads, and someday, you’ll want to drive instead of walk to school.”

  I still don’t say anything. I mean, I know I should, but…

  “Hads, you haven’t even studied. Let’s just go in. If you pass, you pass. If you fail, you fail. A coin toss.”

  I nod in agreement. Not everything is coming up tails anymore, so what are the chances? I think to myself.

  I walk out of the DMV holding my freaking permit.

  “Always tails.” Dad laughs as he gets in the driver’s side.

  “Not always, Dad,” I grumble.

  “Maybe not then, but now things are changing, Hads, and she would be so proud of you right now.” He smiles, laughs, and then starts the truck.

  We are about ten miles from home when Dad pulls off on a side road, “You’re up.”

  “No way,” I say in shock.

  He walks around the car and opens the passenger side, “You’ll do fine.”

  “I won’t,” I say.

  He shoves me lightly. “I’m playing the parent card, tough love and all that, Hads. You will. No one is on this road; it’s perfect.”

  I don’t move.

  “It will make me happy…”

  “Dear God,” I groan and move over, then buckle my seat belt and hold the steering wheel.

  “Gas is on the right, break is on the left. Just go easy and take your time. You’ll do fine.”

  I nod, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and—

  “Hads, you need to keep your eyes open.” He chuckles.

  “I’m just preparing, Dad.”

  “All right, then.”

  I hit the gas, and I hit it hard. We spin out, and Dad grabs the dash, laughing. He laughs a full out belly laugh.

  I ease off and try my best to get my heart rate back to below heart attack level. Slowly, I drive down the road. When we get to the stop sign at route 34, I put the truck in park.

  “Hads, just hold the brake.”

  “No, I’m done. I’m not driving on that road.”

  “Okay, then we pull into a driveway, turn around, and—” He stops when I get out.

  “You pull into a freaking driveway,” I say in a typical teenage way.

  He pulls the truck around and gets out. “You’re up.”

  We do this up and down the road for nearly two hours, and I actually pull in and back out of the driveways.

  “Dad, I’m done. We need to go home. I have homework.”

  “We will when you’re ready, Hads. Do it a few more times.”

  After a few more times, I am comfortable. I am actually driving smoothly and not jerking the wheel or hitting the breaks too often. I pull to the stop, and he covers my hand when I try to put it in park.

  “You’ve got this, Hadley. Now take us home.”

  I know determination when I see it, and he is determined.

  “Will I get home tonight if I say no?”

  He shakes his head. “I believe in you. Now believe in yourself.”

  I pull out on the road and drive well below the speed limit all the way home.

  He smiles when I hand him the keys after putting it in park. “Order us a pizza?”

  “Sure.”

  chapter twenty three

  Harder to breathe…

  Over the next few months, I wallow in it, but with Bee and Skylar and now Ash sitting with me at lunch, things become bearable. They have become friends with her, too. Apparently, something I said resonated, or Ash wore them down. Either way, it’s actually nice.

  We are not the geeks anymore. We are the freaks. And I am even more a lesbian now because I broke up with Hudson.

  “You should really date him again,” Ash says to me
in the lunch line and laughs. “Then you won’t be a lesbian anymore.”

  “I’d rather be a lesbian than a murderer.” I laugh, then hear gasps behind me. I sigh and think, Will it ever end?

  “I’ll take lesbian,” Ash scowls at our peers.

  “What are you guys talking about?” Bee asks from behind me.

  “Lesbianism.” Skylar smirks.

  “You really like that word, don’t you?” Ash laughs at her.

  “It flows nicely,” Sky says. “I love words.”

  “Geek,” I pick at her.

  “Lesbian”—she pauses and laughs—“-ism.”

  “Sold,” Ash says, as she stands at the cash register and looks at the cashier. “I’ll pay for the geek and the lesbian, too.”

  “That is so inappropriate,” she gasps.

  “Right, I should pay for the chick who is hot for fictional characters, too,” Ash says in a very too-cool-for-school tone.

  “Mrs. Mellark,” Bee whispers, and I can’t help smirking.

  “So you got it? I am buying lunch for Mrs. Mellark, the geek, the lesbian, and me, the hoe.”

  Skylar laughs and Bee joins in.

  We sit at our very un-cool table as they all laugh. I want to, but if I do, the heartless murderer tag will be hung around my neck again.

  I look up when the school counselor stands at the table, “Ladies, please bring your trays and come with me.”

  “Wow, really?” Ash laughs haughtily. “Can you please tell us what we did?”

  “I will in my office. Let’s go.”

  Once in the office, we all sit around the table with Mr. Grear, the assistant principal, sitting at the head.

  “I received a call from someone on the lunch staff. She was very offended by the way you spoke and disgusted that you three would laugh in the face of what has happened here.”

  Ash’s jaw drops, “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “I don’t joke about things like this. It was a horrible tragedy, and—”

  “Call my lawyer. I’m sure the number is on file,” Ash says to him.

  He tenses up and looks at me, “You have been given a second chance. You’d do well to stay away from people who feel entitled. And you two ladies should be ashamed of yourselves.”

  “Look, Grear, I don’t know if her hairnet was on too tight or—”

  “Miss Rafferty, show some respect.”

  “Mr. Grear, you should do the same.” He tries to interrupt, but Ash holds up her hand. “My father told me all about the crap storm this little craptastic community pulled and got away with in the BS case against Miss Asher. It was a huge miscarriage of justice, and I promise, as long as you are blessed with my presence at this school, that shit won’t fly—”

  What the hell is going on? I think to myself.

  “Your mouth just gained you detention.”

  “Bring it.” She rubs her hands together.

  “Threats won’t be tolerated,” he hisses at her.

  “Ash,” I whisper in warning.

  “Hell, no, Hadley, this guy has it coming. I didn’t make a threat, and I am voice recording this whole conversation, so as I said. Bring. It.”

  He looks back at her without saying a word.

  “This is bullying at its finest. What you allow a thousand kids in this dump of a school to get away with daily when it comes to her is wrong, and if I have my way, my father will take on her case against this small minded, Podunk, hell hole of a school. And, Mr. Grear, my entitled little ass gets my way.”

  His face bypasses red and hits purple.

  “We done here?” she asks him.

  “You are excused,” he spits out.

  “Good. Have a great day, Mr. Grear.” She stands, walks to the door, turns around, and looks at us. “You meant all of us, right, Mr. Grear?” she says, as she sends a text.

  “Yes,” he hisses.

  Once in the hall, I look at her questioningly.

  “My father is a civil rights attorney, and—”

  I follow her eyes and see Hudson jogging down the hallway.

  “Way to ease into it, spaz,” Hudson snaps at her.

  “Guy’s a dick,” she says when he stops in front of me.

  I walk away as they fight. I don’t understand why they kept this from me. I am hurt and offended, to say the least.

  I put my tray in the return window at the cafeteria and look at all the people glaring at me.

  “Idiots,” I say, as I leave and walk toward the nurse’s office.

  When the nurse looks up at me, she looks shocked.

  “Will you please call my moth—I mean, father and have him pick me up? I’m not feeling well.”

  Her jaw drops as she continues to stare at me.

  I repeat myself, beginning to feel shaky. “Will you please call my”—I lean against the wall—“father, my father and have him pick me up. I’m not feeling well.”

  “Yes. Yes, of course.”

  When Dad picks me up ten minutes later, I tell him everything that happened and that I’m scared to go back. He listens to me and lets me cry.

  That night, Bee, Skylar, and Ash show up at my house. When I’m quiet, Ash is apologetic, and I accept it.

  “I don’t want any trouble,” I say.

  “Then you won’t have any, not one damn minute of it,” Ash says with conviction. “But that place is a freaking joke, and my dad, as much of an ass-hat of a parent as he is, is a damn good lawyer. Bullying is a specialty of his. He’s teaching at Cornell right now, but I know, if you wanted to go after this—”

  “But kids are mean, Ash. It happens and—”

  “Kids are mean, some parents are idiots, and some adults need to stop getting off on power trips. I agree that the bullying crap needs to stop being overused. It’s like bullying is the new wolf, and people need to realize that. Get a grip, hold yourself accountable, take a step back, and realize your little soap box is not different than the next guy’s. And—”

  “You’re overwhelming her,” my father interrupts. “I know your intentions are good, and I agree with ninety-nine percent of what you are saying, but she needs a break. Hads has been through a lot.”

  “Understandable.”

  “Yeah, we need to get going, anyway,” Bee says, as she comes over and hugs me. Skylar does the same, and then they walk toward the door.

  “You mad at me, Hadley?” Ash asks.

  “Is this why you became friends with me?”

  “I became your friend, ‘cause I get it.”

  “Not for your dad?”

  “No.”

  When they leave, Dad says, “I have three days off. You wanna get out of here?”

  “Dad, we shouldn’t waste money.”

  “I have a year’s worth of social security checks in an account. They’re yours. Take your old man fishing?”

  I shake my head, “They’re not mine.”

  “Sure are, Hads.”

  ~*~

  The three days away are nice. We get a little cabin at a state park an hour away and simply take in nature. I also drive, a lot. It is actually fun. JJ meets us out there, too. I don’t think we’ve had a family vacation since I was ten. We are missing Mom, all of us, but I focus on what Pax said to me at her funeral, and I pretended he is right. She is with us the whole time.

  I walk into school on a Friday, which is perfect. As Dad pointed out, now I only have today to deal with the crap, then two days to avoid judgment. Well, all judgment except the flies I still need to swat away.

  “Oh, wow, you’re here,” Bee says when I walk to my locker.

  “Yeah.”

  “Hadley, we have an assembly today.”

  “Okay.”

  “It’s prom weekend, and we have an assembly on drunk driving and a”—she pauses—“memorial service.”

  It takes a minute for me to get what she is alluding to.

  “You should just go home, Hadley. You should before attendance and—”

  “You have h
omework from your missed days in the office, Miss Asher,” Ms. Rivera says as she walks by.

  “Well”—Bee throws her hands in the air—“there goes that.”

  “It’s fine,” I tell her.

  As soon as the bell rings, an announcement calls all high school students to the auditorium. I walk with Bee, Ash, and Sky, and Hudson falls in behind us.

  While we sit and watch the drunk driving videos, I hear snickers and get looks. Apparently, they all know about my father’s issue, I think when I see the judgment in the eyes of my peers.

  Bee reaches out and holds my hand.

  “You’ll be a lesbian in ten seconds,” I warn.

  “So what?” she says with a shrug.

  The applause from the State Troopers’ presentation dies down as the large screen in the front of the auditorium lights up with a picture of Lana.

  I look down. I can’t look at her. It’s a prom picture.

  I did her hair. I helped her get ready. I—

  Bee squeezes my hand tighter as I close my eyes.

  “Two year ago, I stood on this stage with my family to talk to you all about the girl on the screen, my little sister Lana.”

  I jump, surprised to hear Pax’s voice. Then his voice makes me want to run.

  “Her death was a tragedy, as all deaths are. We grieve, judge, assume, and we can’t see our way out of our own sadness in the midst of grief. But with time comes clarity.” He pauses and clears his throat.

  “Lana’s death was of her own doing. Contrary to what many believe, it wasn’t because of a video or bullying. Lana had very deep-rooted, very well hidden psychological issues that were never talked about. Lana’s story has been shoved under the rug. The thought process was that, if it was buried, she could lead a very normal life. She suffered from depression and anxiety that stemmed from being physically abused as a child.”

  I hear gasps, and he sighs.

  I look up, and he looks at me then quickly away. “Lana is still one of my favorite people in the world. When she was happy, there was such a light surrounding her. It was almost blinding. She loved good people. She was drawn to them, and I know for a fact that she would be all over so many of you for treating Hadley like you have, like we all did. She would have wanted to protect her.”