Pushing Send
Page 22
He rubs his forehead and shakes his head. “I’m getting off track here.” He looks at me. “You know I believe you. You know I did everything I could to help you. You may not understand why, and you certainly didn’t want my help, Hads, but she would have wanted me to help you. And like I said, she was drawn to good people, and you, Hadley Asher, regardless of what these people say about you or think about you, are truly a good person. We all as a community caused you a hell that is unimaginable, and from what I understand, it’s still happening, yet here you are, stuck in the quicksand of judgment, unable to run from it. Hads, I am so sorry.”
I close my eyes.
“There are a few people who should be standing up here. My father, Sondra, and someone else whom I truly believe posted that video, because Hadley dropped her damn phone and didn’t find it until later. I know this because Lana told me she saw her pick it up when she ran out that night. But Lana was so sick that she wasn’t able to think past herself at that point. She sure as hell wouldn’t have killed herself if she wasn’t. She wouldn’t have left me or her friends or her parents.”
He is quiet and so is the room full of people.
“I know this is a memorial service, but there is a lesson to be learned: talk about things before they get too bad, ask for help when you are drowning inside, don’t judge people, don’t assume, just don’t. In the aftermath of all of this, the person you blame is living in a hell that’s surrounded by your lies and assumptions. Hads, you got socially screwed. Society became your tormentor, your judge, your jury, and your executioner. You never—”
Unable to stop myself, I stand and walk toward the back or the auditorium.
Fight or flight? I take flight.
However, when I get outside of the auditorium, my knees begin to shake. Then my body becomes numb, and I try with everything I have to get out of this hellhole. When everything starts spinning, I feel arms surround me, and I hold on as I am carried to the nurse’s office.
I feel myself being laid on the cot, and I open my eyes, expecting Pax.
“You’ll be fine, Hadley,” Hudson says, looking down at me.
“Hadley?” I hear Pax next.
“Dude, just leave her alone for—”
“No, you leave.” He walks to the other side of me and sits down. “They know now, okay? They know, and you can breathe.”
“Pax, you shouldn’t have done that.”
“I had to. I can’t hear that you’re hurting or that they won’t let it go. You deserve to breathe. We all do, Hadley. I can’t let you drown when—”
“She needs to make that decision on her own,” Hudson snaps at him. “Until she decides it’s time, you’re wasting your damn breath.”
“Who the hell is this clown who thinks he knows you?” Pax asks me, as he pushes my hair out of my eyes.
“I was her boyfriend, but was big enough to walk away when I knew she needed to wallow a little more.”
Pax’s head snaps to his left, “You’re the fu—”
“Pax, don’t.” He is losing control, getting angry, and anger will get him in trouble.
“He’s using you to get his daddy’s next big case.”
“That’s bull. She’s hot. I only date hot chicks,” Hudson eggs him on.
“You’re about to be his next goddamned client ‘cause I’m gonna bust—”
“Pax,” I gasp. “What are you doing?”
“He’s trying to make sure his daddy doesn’t get sued. That’s what he’s—”
Pax jumps up, then storms around the cot, grabs his collar, and pulls him up. “Start your media circus somewhere else. No one asked you to be involved in this, and you sure as hell don’t know her, because if you did, you’d know she would never want that kind of attention.”
I try to stand, but fail as Pax pushes Hudson out of the room then closes the door, locking it behind him.
He turns back to me, “Stay away from him.”
“Pax, he isn’t—”
“I am telling you to stay the hell away from him.”
“Pax, I think you need to leave,” I begin, then stop when I see the crushed expression on his face. “I’m not trying to hurt you, and I appreciate everything, but I just want to go home, okay, Pax?”
“You have no idea what you are asking me to do.” He runs his hands through his hair. “You have no idea what it’s been like, Hadley. I am tripping over you, and you’re not even around. I hear the mention of your name, and that’s all I can think about. I—”
“I do know how it feels, Pax, but—”
“Don’t push me away.”
“Then walk away, Pax. I can’t be the reason you—”
“You have become the only reason I am anything.” He sits down and takes my hands. “I am in so deep that it’s hard to breath, Hadley.”
“Don’t,” I say, before the tears dammed up in my eyes give way.
He pulls me into a hug, and I allow it. Hell, I hug him, too.
“Tell me this doesn’t feel right. Tell me it doesn’t feel like—”
I pull back, “Two people brought together by death, Pax?”
“No, I’ve been down that road. I tried to make it the truth even, but it was there before. We’ve talked about it. You felt it, too. You—”
“I’m seventeen years old.”
“I would never push you, never.”
“I know that— I do, Pax—but some of what Hudson said is true. I have so much to figure out.”
There is a knock on the door.
“Go away!”
“It’s the nurse, Mr. Jamison.”
“Call her father,” he snaps.
“You are gonna get in serious trouble because of me, and I can’t take that.”
“I’m in some serious trouble now, Hads. Have been since the lake.”
I look down and shake my head.
“You need to know that I am in—”
No!” I cry. “No, no, no.” I feel my breaths become harder and harder to catch.
“Breathe, Hadley. Breathe. God, I’m so sorry. I just want you to breathe.”
“Paper … bag,” I manage to get out.
He jumps up and yells to the nurse for a bag as he whips open the door.
I am hyperventilating. I feel just like I did at the jail. My body starts to ache, and my muscles begin to cramp. I grab for the bag and pull it to my face, taking in several deep breaths.
“Breathe, just breathe.”
I stare into his eyes as I take deep, painful breaths. I steal their comfort, take in their calm, I snatch it unapologetically like a thief, because I need it. When I have stolen what I need to make the pain go away, I look away, feeling selfish.
“Don’t stop breathing, Hads.”
I take in a few more breaths, looking around. Hudson, the nurse, Bee, Skylar, Ash, the principal—they are all watching me.
“Where is … my father?”
“He’s on his way,” Bee says, as she looks at the nurse and principal. “I called him.”
I smile at her boldness and borrow from it. “I need a minute alone with Pax.”
When the door shuts, I look at him.
“Don’t you ever stop breathing again, Hadley,” he says, as he pushes his forehead against mine.
“It’s really hard to do when you’re around,” I admit.
He closes his eyes. “When I’m not?”
“It’s bearable.”
“Will it be like that forever?” he asks.
I sit back and shrug. “I won’t know unless I try.”
He nods his acceptance then stands, kissing me on the top of my head before he turns to walk away.
“Pax?”
“Yeah?”
“Breathe.”
“As long as you do, so will I.”
“Promise,” I say, feeling panicky.
“Yes.”
~The End~
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Ally Derby
Ally Derby lives in upstate New York in
a small town. She is a middle school student, who loves field hockey, music, books, family and God.
She has no problem sticking up for what she feels is right, regardless of the social ramifications and that doesn't always go over well.
She is also a fierce fangirl, and loves to role-play on Instagram as @firefandoms.
Her favorite book genre is young adult dystopian. Her favorite book series include, The Hunger Games, Percy Jackson, The Divergent series, The Maze Runner, and The Selection series.
Other books she devours are anything John Green, and Gayle Foreman.
Her books are her life and when Ally gets in trouble at home, her mother grounds her from books, *gasp*
Jacqueline Ross
Jacqueline Ross is an author, and mother to Ally. She reads almost everything Ally does and enjoys the romance genre.
She is 'one of those moms'. Meaning she is overprotective and pushes Ally to do her best at everything she does.
Playlist
“FIFTEEN” BY TAYLOR SWIFT
“BREATHING” BY JASON DERULO
“BREAKEVEN” BY SCRIPT
“THE MAN WHO NEVER LIED” BY MAROON FIVE
“JUST A DREAM” BY NELLY
“SECRETS” BY ONEREPUBLIC
Follow us
Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/AuthorJMRoss
Instagram
@allyderbyauthor and @authorjmross
Check out our website
www.sociallyscrewed.com
If you or someone you know is having a problem and needs help dealing with it please call
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Chapter Twenty Two
Chapter Twenty Three
About the Authors
Playlist