Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  From what Rachel had told me, she and Claire hadn’t had it easy. I was sure I’d like Claire as much as I liked Rachel. I was anxious to meet Piper. From the little Rachel had shared, she seemed like a darling child.

  I decided to go shopping. I wanted to get the parents with babies in NICU something special.

  I drove to the mall and a couple specialty stores. I was about to give up when I happened into a cute baby boutique I’d never been in before. I was looking at the baby books when I came across one that addressed the particular needs of parents of preemies.

  I picked up the journal and the clerk walked over to me.

  “Aren’t they precious?” she asked.

  I paged through the book. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. What a great idea.”

  “My daughter was a preemie. I wished they would’ve had these books thirteen years ago when I had her.”

  I smiled. “And your daughter’s fine?”

  “Yes. Those nurses in the NICU are amazing. My daughter didn’t come home for three months.”

  I told her about volunteering to be a cuddler.

  “I’m so glad they started that program,” she said. “They didn’t have that when Lizzy was born and I wish they did. I had another child at home and it wasn’t always easy to find someone to watch him so I could go into the hospital and be with my daughter. It would’ve been nice knowing that, if I couldn’t be there and the staff were too busy, someone was holding her.”

  I looked at the book. “How many of these do you have in stock?”

  “I can check but I can always order more if we don’t have enough. Do you need more than one?”

  “I need two hundred.”

  The clerk’s mouth dropped. “You know two hundred families with preemies?”

  “Not quite. I want them shipped to the NICU at York Hospital. The staff can give them to the parents. Make it anonymous. There’s no need for anyone to know it was me.”

  I followed the clerk to the counter and handed her my credit card. She looked at the name on the card. “Mary McAlaster. Why does that name sound so familiar?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Mary’s a pretty common name.”

  After leaving the boutique, I stopped at the toy store. I wanted to buy something for Piper but I wasn’t sure what. But as soon as I saw the floppy white puppy sitting on the shelf, I knew it was the perfect gift. It wasn’t a real dog, but I thought Piper would probably like it just the same.

  I always enjoyed shopping for children. Every Christmas, I’d shop for toys for children staying in the domestic abuse shelter in the city. I always hired a Santa to give out the toys at the shelter’s Christmas party. It was always a joy to see the looks on the children’s faces. And the mothers, too. They were harder to buy for, but I always seemed to be able to find something they could use.

  By the time I got home, I was tired. I sat on the easy chair and fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and went upstairs to bed. I crawled under the covers. It was cold between the sheets and, even at my age, I wished for a man to lay beside me. I needed a cuddler of my own, but I knew that would never happen. Some things are not meant to be.

  Chapter 13

  Rachel

  Piper’s eyes popped when I served the special dessert Mary had made for her after dinner. I sat the bowl of dirt pudding in front of her. Mary had covered the top with gummy worms. “I think this dessert will last you a week.”

  I scooped some of the pudding into a bowl, making sure to include a couple of the gummy worms. I sat it in front of Piper and let her put on the whipped topping Mary had sent home.

  “After dinner, you’ll have to write Mary a thank you note. You can give it to her when you see her tomorrow night.”

  Piper devoured the dessert as if she was afraid someone would take the bowl away from her. She rubbed her tummy. “I’m full.”

  “Mary’s a good cook, isn’t she?”

  Piper nodded. “Rachel, maybe you can ask Mary to give you lessons.”

  I smiled. You have to be a pretty bad cook for a kindergartener to notice. “Maybe I’ll ask her for some tips.”

  “Can you ask her how to make this pudding?”

  I nodded. “I think I can do that. Now, write the thank you note while I clear the table.”

  I gave Piper a tablet and crayons. “Just spell the best you can. Mary will love whatever you do because it’s from you and comes from your heart.”

  I loaded the dishwasher and wrapped the leftovers before placing them in the fridge. Surprisingly, Piper liked the tilapia and rice. Getting her to try the asparagus, however, was a battle. We had enough food for another meal. I was pretty sure Mary made more on purpose.

  I filled the dishwasher dispenser with detergent and turned it on. When I returned to Piper, she was just finishing her note. I looked over her shoulder and read.

  Der Mare, Tank u fr mak in me fud. Can u teech Raychil to mak betur fud so i doent die? Sincirilly Piper

  PS wen i gro up i wat too b a dawg

  I smiled. “Mary will love your note, Piper.”

  Piper finished drawing what appeared to be the dessert Mary had made for her. It consisted of a circle with squiggly lines throughout. I was pretty sure the squiggly lines were the worms. “Why don’t you put your note with the drawing you did earlier for Mary? We’ll take them tomorrow when we visit.”

  That night, Piper included Mary in her prayers.

  “Dear God, God bless Jacy and Rachel and Mary. And please have Mary cook more for us. She makes good food. I especially liked the dessert. Amen.”

  I pulled up the covers and tucked them under Piper’s chin. “Sweet dreams, Piper.”

  Piper pulled her rag doll close to her and yawned. “Thank you, Rachel.”

  “For what?”

  “For taking care of me. If I can’t have Mommy, I’m glad I have you.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes. “I’m glad I have you, too.”

  I was folding the wash when my phone buzzed. I looked at the screen to see who was calling. It was Nick. As in Nick from the bar. Claire probably gave him my number. “Hi, Nick. What’s up?”

  “Just thought I’d check to see if you’re okay.”

  I sat down on my bed. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Well, I kind of felt bad about our conversation in the bar the other day. You know, when I said having a child is different than you raising Piper. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I sighed. “I’m sorry I took what you said so much to heart. The truth is I’m new to this mommy business. Growing up in foster care didn’t exactly provide great examples of a normal family life.”

  “Wow, Rachel. I had no idea.”

  “I don’t talk about it much. CliffsNotes: My mom was an alcoholic and I cut her out of my life as soon as I could.”

  “Well, you’re doing a great job. I just thought you should know that.”

  “Thanks, Nick.”

  “I know when I was little I drove my mom crazy. Once I brought two garter snakes into the house and they got out. We eventually found them but not before they had a ton of babies. What a mess!”

  I laughed. “I hate snakes. I’ll never let Piper bring snakes into the house. She wants a dog, so we’ll see. Maybe someday.”

  “Rachel, listen. I hope you know I’m your friend. If you ever want to talk or hang out, call me. Maybe you and me and Piper can do something together sometime.”

  “Like what?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe go to the park.”

  I smiled. “That would be nice. Piper would like that. She loves to swing.”

  Nick’s phone call made me smile. He didn’t have to call to apologize, but I appreciated his sincerity. And he seemed to genuinely care.

  Later that night, while I lay in bed, I thought about what Piper had said. If I can’t have Mommy, I’m glad I have you. What was happening to me? Why did I go all mushy when Piper said such things? Maybe because it was the first time in my life I�
�d really felt needed and wanted. And loved.

  I bolted up in my bed when I heard my bedroom door open. “Rachel, can I sleep with you?”

  Piper was beside my bed, clutching her rag doll. “I had a bad dream. I don’t want to sleep alone.”

  I moved over and pulled back the covers and Piper climbed in. “I love you, Rachel,” Piper said.

  “I love you, too, Pipe. I love you, too.”

  The next morning, I got up before Piper. I hadn’t slept well. Somehow Piper ended up sideways in bed and her tiny feet dug into my shoulder.

  I slid out of bed and went downstairs to start the coffee. I was on my second cup when Piper skipped into the kitchen.

  “Can I have pancakes?” She climbed into her seat. She had too much energy for six-thirty in the morning.

  I opened the freezer door. “We’re all out of frozen ones and I don’t have enough time to make them from scratch. Sorry, Pipe.” I picked up the box of cereal. “Guess it’s gonna be cereal.”

  Piper scrunched her nose. “Will you make me pancakes for dinner tonight?”

  I was just about to say yes when I remembered our plans. “We’re going to Mary’s tonight, remember?”

  “Yippee! And we’re going to climb her tree, right?”

  I’d almost forgotten I’d promised Piper I’d climb the tree. “Sure. But first we have to ask Mary if she’d mind.”

  “And I’ll take her my note and drawing.”

  I added milk to Piper’s cereal and sat down across from her, sipping my coffee and checking out what was new on my phone since I’d turned it off the night before.

  There was a text from Claire asking me if Nick had called because he had asked her for my number. There was an email informing me Claire had tagged me in a Facebook post. When I clicked on the link I saw a photo of Claire and me at a beach bar sporting bikinis and margaritas.

  While I was on Facebook, a post I’d shared a year ago popped up. It was a photo of me posing with the stack of books I’d bought for the fall semester.

  Nick’s words hung heavy in my mind. You can finish college, Rachel. It just might take more time, that’s all. But don’t give up on your dreams.

  Maybe Nick was right. Maybe things didn’t have to be either or. I had a terrible habit of living life in extremes. I needed to find a balance. Maybe I could take a class at a time. Do it online after Piper went to bed. I made up my mind to check into it later.

  I looked up to catch Piper slurping the milk out of her bowl. “No slurping, Piper. That’s not very ladylike.”

  “But I don’t want to be a lady. I want to be a dog. And dogs slurp out of bowls.”

  “Ugh! You’re impossible!” I pushed out my chair and stood up. “Go brush your teeth and grab your backpack. Make sure your homework papers are inside. We have to go soon.”

  Piper ran to get her things and I cleared off the table, loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. When Piper returned, she had on her puppy slippers.

  I shook my head. “You’re not wearing slippers to school, Piper. Go get your sneakers.”

  “But I like my slippers. I don’t have to tie them. I hate tying. Mrs. Baker said we have to be able to tie our shoes all alone, but I don’t see why because I have you to tie them.”

  My hands flew to my hips and I immediately dropped them when I realized how it was such a mother thing to do. “Hmm, excuse me. Don’t you want to be able to do things for yourself?”

  “I do things for myself,” Piper said. “I know how to zipper my jacket and button my sweater.”

  “Look, Piper. You’re not wearing slippers to avoid tying your shoes. You can’t wear slippers the rest of your life. I had trouble learning to tie, too.”

  Piper’s chin wobbled. “You did?”

  I nodded. “But I practiced and practiced and then one day I could do it all by myself.”

  “Do you think if I practice I’ll be able to do it all by myself?”

  I smiled. “Yes, I do. Some things are tougher to learn than others. But don’t give up and don’t take the easy way out. Wearing slippers so you don’t have to tie your shoes is a cop-out.”

  Piper tilted her head so her pigtails were like an empty seesaw, one up and the other down. “What’s a cop-out?”

  “It means doing what’s easy. You want to wear slippers so you won’t have to tie your shoes. But if you don’t learn how to tie now, you’ll be tripping over the strings the rest of your life. Things aren’t always going to be easy in life, Piper. Sometimes we have to work really hard at things.”

  Piper slipped away to get her sneakers and I texted Claire: Talking to Piper about tying shoes led to me saying she shouldn’t take the easy way out. Actually used the phrase “Not everything is easy.” God, feeling so parental.

  Claire texted back. LOL! Take your own advice. Have you looked into online classes yet?

  Me: No. Maybe later. Gotta go!

  I stood with Piper at the bus stop. “Now remember. Dinner at Mary’s tonight so we need to do your schoolwork as soon as you get home.”

  Piper nodded and we turned when we heard the screech of the school bus as it rounded the corner.

  I bent over to hug Piper. “Have a good day, Pipe. I’ll be here when you come home.”

  I watched as the bus pulled out of the apartment complex and waved until Piper could no longer see me.

  Chapter 14

  Mary

  I detested getting mammograms. The technician was always gentle but when that cold machine smashed my breast it hurt. All of my annual check-ups were scheduled during the same month. It was always nice to get them over with but it was a lot of appointments in a short time. The dermatologist was the last one, and I had that next week.

  I winced as the technician pushed the button, flattening my breast. “Are you okay?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “Don’t move.” She ran behind the glass and took the picture. Immediately the clamp released and pulled back.

  I disliked this annual screening the most and had considered stopping it. But I’d learned through the grapevine that June had died of breast cancer. She apparently hadn’t gone for a check-up in years and by the time they discovered the cancer, it had already spread to her bones. After hearing that I figured I could put up with the discomfort.

  “We’re all done,” the technician said. “The doctor will read these and if he sees anything suspicious we’ll call you to schedule more tests. If you don’t receive a phone call, that means no further screening is necessary. You should then receive a letter through the mail confirming a normal mammogram. Do you have any questions?”

  I shook my head. “No, thank you. Have a nice day.”

  The technician smiled. “You, too.”

  I knew I’d have a great day because I was headed to the childcare center for disadvantaged children I funded. I was their guest reader today.

  When I got to the center, the children were putting away their toys.

  “Miss Mary!” a few of them yelled. “Yay! Miss Mary’s here.”

  The teachers, Miss Shonna and Miss Renee, walked over. “The kids have been looking forward to this all morning,” Miss Shonna said.

  “We told them you were going to read One Frog. Two Frogs. Three Frogs. Four. and help them decorate lily pads,” Renee explained.

  I held up the frog stickers I’d ordered and the lily pads I’d cut out of green construction paper. I pulled out the can I’d decorated and asked Shonna to put it on a table beside the chair.

  The children, three- and four-year-olds, grabbed a mat to sit on and placed it in front of the rocking chair where I sat down.

  “It’s so good to see all of you today,” I said. “I hope you like the book I picked out. It’s a very special book and we’ll talk about why at the end.”

  I read the book, turning it around so the children could see the pictures. Soon, they were joining in the refrain.

  One frog, two frogs, three frogs, four

  Tree frogs, tr
ee frogs, I want more!

  When I neared the end of the book and the little boy was deciding what to do with his quarters – give them to charity or buy more tree frogs, I stopped and nodded to Miss Renee. I had instructed her to give each child two quarters. Once each child had been given the quarters, I asked them what they would do.

  “You can keep the quarters or put them in the can I brought. You decide.”

  Tony clutched his quarters. “I’m keeping mine.”

  “Me, too,” Marissa said.

  Jovie and Lily stood and walked over to the can. They each put their quarters into the can and then sat down. I waited until each child had made a decision. Some kept their quarters but the majority of the children had put them in the can. When I finished reading the book, most of those who hadn’t put their quarters in the can had changed their minds.

  I hadn’t expected all of the children to give up their coins. In fact, I was prepared that none of them would. But it warmed my heart to see that many of the children put someone else’s need before their own wants.

  Afterward, I watched as the children decorated the lily pads I had brought. I always enjoyed my visits to the center and loved watching the children grow. Most of them started here as babies and the program ran through the start of kindergarten. It felt good to be able to give these children a chance.

  Chapter 15

  Rachel

  I thought the day would never end. The cleaning agency had asked me to help deep clean a law office with two other employees. The office was closed for the week and the two women who cleaned it regularly needed some extra help.

  Bookcases lined a conference room. I had to dust all of the books and shelves. A heavy mahogany table surrounded by chairs sat in the middle.

  Amy, one of the ladies I was helping, picked up a book, flipped it open and shook her head. “Who even reads this stuff?”