Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  After we got home, Mary insisted I take a nap. I was tired and didn’t argue but instead thanked her for staying and getting Piper off the bus.

  I rested while Mary walked to the bus stop to wait for Piper. I must’ve fallen asleep because it wasn’t until the sun was setting that I woke up. I walked into the hallway and heard voices below. It sounded like Mary was reading. I inched closer to the steps and stopped. Mary was reading Cinderella.

  “Which mice do you like better?” Piper asked.

  “All of them,” Mary said.

  “But if you had to pick, which one?”

  “Hmm. Maybe the chubby one.”

  “Gus-gus?” Piper laughed. “Me, too!”

  I listened as Mary finished the book, not wanting to interrupt the story.

  “I wish I had a dress like Cinderella,” Piper said. “She’s beautiful.”

  “Just like you and Rachel,” Mary said.

  Mary heard me come down the steps and turned around. “Rachel, how are you feeling?”

  “Better. Guess I didn’t realize how tired I was. Thanks for reading to Piper.”

  Mary stood. “Her homework’s all done and I fixed her some dippy eggs and bacon for dinner.”

  I yawned. “Thanks, Mary.”

  “And I showed her how to put them on the plate and make a smiley face like you do,” Piper said.

  “Yes, you did,” Mary said. “Now, let me get you something to eat, Rachel.”

  “You don’t have to. You’ve done enough.”

  Mary waved. “Nonsense.”

  I told Piper to go get her bath while I went to the kitchen with Mary, who fixed me the same thing she’d fixed Piper. She even made a smiley face on my plate with the food.

  The doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” Mary said.

  I stood. “No, I will. Relax and finish your tea.”

  I opened the door to find Piper’s dad staggering. He smelled like stale cigarettes and whiskey. He took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke in my face.

  I clenched my teeth. “What do you want?”

  “Pepper.” His speech was slurred.

  I felt Mary behind me.

  “Well, you’re not going to get her.”

  “But I’ms herz fath-ter.”

  “Prove it!” I slammed the door.

  Mary put her arm around me and the doorbell rang again.

  “Here, let me answer it,” Mary said. “Yes? May I help you?”

  “I’mz Pepper’s dad.”

  “Mr.… What’s your name?” Mary asked.

  “Richards.”

  “Well, Mr. Richards, it seems to me that being a father requires far more effort than you’re obviously capable of. Perhaps it would be better just to let things be. Piper’s been through so much already.”

  Piper’s dad wobbled and pointed at Mary. “I know who you are. You drive that Mercedes. You’re that rich bitch. If you want Piper so bad, pay me for her.”

  “You’ll be hearing from my attorney!” Mary slammed the door in his face.

  I couldn’t stop shaking. I was glad Piper was singing in the bathtub and hadn’t heard the commotion. “What kind of man does that? Puts a price on his daughter. What are we going to do, Mary? There’s no way we can ever let him get custody of Piper.”

  Mary looked at me and I saw something in her eyes I’d never seen before. It was a cocktail of determination and anger and unwavering commitment. “Don’t you worry about a thing, Rachel. I’ll take care of this once and for all.”

  “But…”

  She held up her finger. “Do. Not. Worry. I’ll take care of this. I promise.”

  And something told me she would.

  Chapter 30

  Mary

  I don’t think I’ve ever been more furious. I could feel my blood boil as I stared at the filthy, smelly man standing before me. Suddenly, I was like a mother hen with her chicks, determined that nothing and no one would hurt my babies. Piper’s father didn’t deserve her. She was too precious and loving to be given to a man who only cared about where he’d get the money for his next bottle of booze. I knew right then I’d do whatever was necessary to keep Piper safe and Rachel and her together.

  I waited until Piper had finished her bath so I could say goodnight before I left.

  “Will you help Rachel tuck me in?” Piper asked.

  I looked at Rachel and she nodded.

  “Sure, I’d love to.”

  I followed Rachel and Piper up the stairs. Piper climbed into bed and tucked Rachel Rose beside her. She folded her tiny hands and prayed.

  Thank you, God, for Miss Mary and Rachel.

  Thank you for Jacy.

  Can you tell Mommy I said hello? I miss her. But I’m glad if she can’t be here I have Miss Mary and Rachel.

  Amen.

  Oh, almost forgot. I was bad today. I said shit. I’m sorry.

  Amen.

  I looked at Rachel and smiled. “Sweet dreams, Piper. I’ll see you later.” I hugged Piper and she hugged me back.

  “Miss Mary,” Piper said. “I love you.”

  I blinked back tears. “I love you, too, Piper.”

  I told Rachel I’d see myself out and I hugged her as well before I left.

  Driving home I couldn’t stop thinking about Piper’s dad. What was I going to do? I wondered if I could pay the guy to just disappear. Money was what he seemed to want most. I know it was wrong of me to think this, but I figured maybe if I gave him enough money he’d drink himself to death and disappear from Rachel and Piper’s lives for good. I had a lot I needed to talk to my attorney about in the morning.

  The next morning, I called my attorney before heading into the hospital for my cuddler shift in the NICU.

  “I’d like to sit down and discuss this in person,” Ralph said. “But I’ll tell you voluntary termination of parental rights isn’t easy.”

  “But why? If he doesn’t want Piper, why can’t he just sign his rights away?”

  “I know it’s sounds backward, but voluntary termination is often more difficult to accomplish than involuntary termination. The courts feel a child has a right to a parental relationship and to receive financial support and care from both parents.”

  “Even if the parent is no good?”

  “That’s where you might be able to win the case. Involuntary termination of rights usually stems from misconduct by the parent.”

  “Well, I think that we could probably come up with a list of misconduct.”

  “That would be our plan,” Ralph said. “Do you have time to talk about this more this afternoon? I have an opening at two.”

  “Yes. I’ll come over after I finish my shift at the NICU.”

  “I didn’t know you were volunteering there,” Ralph said.

  “I just started. That’s another thing I want to talk to you about. What might I be able to do for these kids and parents.”

  “Uh-oh. I sense that we’re about to embark on another Mary cause.”

  I laughed. “You know me too well.”

  I hung up the phone and headed over to the hospital. When I got there, the nurses were waiting for me.

  “Mary, the shipment of special baby books arrived today,” Stacey said. “And the parents love them.”

  I smiled. “I’m so glad. But how did you know I sent them? It was supposed to be anonymous.”

  “It was,” Stacey said, “but we figured it had to be you.”

  Laura held one up and paged through it. “I never saw a book that was specific to preemies. What a fantastic idea. I mean, of course their milestones are different. This is a great way for a parent to keep track of their progress.”

  I hung up my coat and put my purse in a locker and followed Stacey into the nursery. Jax’s mother was there. “Hi, Emily,” I said. “How’s Jax today?”

  She looked up at me and smiled. “Good. I wish I could stay but I’m glad you’re here now. I always feel so bad leaving him, but knowing that he’s in your arms helps me through the
day.”

  I nodded. “I understand. Did you get one of the baby books?”

  Emily nodded. “Yes, thank you. That was so thoughtful of you.”

  “Is there anything else you need for Jax?” I asked.

  “Oh, no, Mary. You’ve done so much all ready.”

  “Well, if there is anything you need, let me know. I might be able to help.”

  I took Emily’s place holding Jax. She bent over and kissed him on the forehead. “Bye, pumpkin. Mommy will see you later.”

  Emily sniffed and hugged another mother who was sitting nearby holding her baby. “See you tomorrow, Jill, she said. “Hope Paige is feeling better.”

  I glanced around the NICU and realized just how special a bond the parents and staff had. They’d become a family, connected by shared experiences and feelings. What they’d expected would be one of the most enjoyable experiences in their lives had become a source of fear and unpredictability. They’d been thrust into a fragile world punctuated by bright lights and beeping alarms. A world filled with uncertainty and sometimes death. They had to learn new words and make unfamiliar decisions. And they had to trust others with their babies’ care.

  I looked down at Jax asleep in my arms. I wished great things for this little boy, and it made me feel good that I might be making a difference in his life. Often we don’t know the people we touch. We just hope that we have.

  Chapter 31

  Rachel

  I was baking cupcakes with Piper when Nick called. “Hi, Nick. What’s up?”

  “Just wondering if you and Piper wanted to go to the park today.”

  “Let me ask her.” I looked at Piper who was frosting the cupcakes. “Nick wants to know if you’d like to go to the park today.”

  Piper’s eyes widened and she nodded enthusiastically.

  “Piper says that sounds good. Why don’t you come here? Piper is just finishing icing the cupcakes we made and I’m sure she’d love to give you one.”

  I got off the phone with Nick and told Piper I was going upstairs to freshen up. I washed my face and pulled out my makeup kit. I didn’t hear Piper come up the stairs. “All done,” she said.

  I jumped. “I didn’t hear you, Pipe. Why don’t you go get cleaned up, too?”

  She looked at me and squinted. “Why are you putting on makeup?”

  “Because Nick’s coming,” I said.

  “But you didn’t put on makeup before.”

  I hated how Piper called me out on things without even realizing it. She was right, of course. Normally I didn’t wear makeup, and yet suddenly I was putting it on and trying to look great for someone who was supposedly just a friend. She was wise for being five.

  The doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” Piper ran downstairs to answer the door. Suddenly I started to panic. What if Nick wasn’t at the door? What if Piper’s dad was? I flew down the stairs after her. I heard her talking when I landed at the bottom of the steps.

  “Rachel’s getting pretty.”

  “I see,” Nick said.

  I walked in. “Hi, Nick!” I was sure my face was beet red.

  “You look great!” he said.

  “Thanks. And Piper, I wasn’t getting pretty, I was just getting ready.”

  She put her hand on her hip. “Then why were you putting on makeup? Mommy only put on makeup when she wanted to look extra pretty.”

  My face was as hot as an oven. I rolled my eyes at Nick.

  “Rachel doesn’t have to wear makeup to look pretty, Piper,” he said. “She’s a natural beauty.”

  Piper scrunched her nose. “What’s a natural beauty?”

  Nick rubbed the top of Piper’s head. “Like you. You’re a cute kid and you don’t have to do anything special.”

  “See, Rachel. That means I don’t have to brush my hair in the morning.”

  I laughed. “I don’t think that’s what Nick meant. A natural beauty still has to brush her teeth and take a bath and brush her hair. Otherwise all that natural goodness will turn nasty.”

  “Exactly,” Nick said. “You girls ready?”

  We grabbed our backpacks and headed out to Nick’s car. He’d brought his pick-up truck and Piper sat between us.

  “Want to play a game?” Nick asked.

  Piper bounced in her seat. “Yes!”

  “I’ll say a color and you and Rachel name the first thing you see that’s that color. The first person to spot an item the correct color gets a point. Person with the most points wins.”

  Piper straightened in her seat.

  “Find something red,” Nick said.

  Piper pointed. “Stop sign.”

  “Very good, Piper,” Nick said. “How about purple?”

  This one was a little harder. Nick was now driving on the interstate and I looked for the color on the billboards we passed but kept coming up empty. Then I spotted a purple stuffed animal in the back of a car we were passing. “There! In the back of the car.”

  Piper leaned over me so she could look out. “Ugh! I wish I would’ve seen that.”

  We played the game the entire way to the park and Piper ended up beating me. She was a lot faster than I was at spotting items.

  “That was fun!” Piper said.

  Nick opened my car door and I jumped down. Piper slid over to the end of the seat and Nick held out his arms and Piper leaned in to him as he placed her on the ground. “Easy does it, Piper.”

  Piper headed for the swings while Nick and I walked over to the bench and sat down.

  “She sure is a neat kid,” Nick said.

  “Thanks. And pretty smart.”

  “I wanted to ask you something,” he said. “On my way home yesterday, I came across a place with a few old bikes sitting out front. The family was having a moving sale and they had a men’s, women’s and girl’s bike. Anyway, I bought them.”

  I looked at Nick. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to tell me. “Who for?”

  “For us.”

  “For you, me and Piper?”

  Nick nodded. “They’re, in the back of the truck. I didn’t want to say anything to Piper before I said something to you.”

  I turned around to look at the truck. There was a large canvas covering the bikes. “So that’s what’s under that cover.”

  Nick smiled. “Yeah. I put training wheels on Piper’s bike. The family had taken them off when their daughter learned to ride but had kept them.”

  “That’s so nice of you, Nick. Thank you so much for thinking of Piper.”

  Nick reached out and touched my hand. “I was thinking of you, too, Rachel.”

  I smiled and could feel something deep inside of me begin to tingle. I was seeing another side of Nick. He definitely wasn’t the bad-boy bar guy I’d first pegged him to be when he walked into the bar a few years ago. He was so much more than that!

  Nick and I were discussing getting Piper’s bike out of the back of the truck when she jumped off the swings and ran over to us. “Are you guys just going to sit on the bench the whole day?”

  I looked at Nick and nodded. “Hey, Piper,” Nick said. “How would you like to ride a bike?”

  “But I don’t have a bike.”

  Nick stood. “You do now.”

  Piper and I followed him to the back of the truck. He folded back the canvas to reveal three bikes. Piper jumped up and down. Nick lifted the smallest bike out of the truck.

  “This one’s for you, Piper. I put the training wheels on. When you’re ready, I’ll take them off.”

  Piper hugged Nick so hard I thought she was choking him. He helped her onto the seat.

  “You can ride around here, Piper,” I said. “Just stay where we can see you.”

  Piper took off on the bike and Nick and I returned to the bench to watch.

  “So,” Nick said. “Claire told me you haven’t been feeling well.”

  Damn Claire. She shouldn’t have said anything.

  “Yeah. I actually had some bloodwork and a biopsy done of a swollen lymph node
, but the doctor doesn’t think it’s anything to be worried about.”

  “Are you?”

  “I guess I’m a little worried. I mean, anytime the doctor insists you have bloodwork done and wants to do a biopsy right away you’re bound to get worried.” The truth was it was killing me not to google the symptoms. Normally, that’s what I’d do. But I’d resisted up until this point because I knew if I learned something bad my anxiety would get the better of me.

  Piper yelled and we looked up to see her waving. We waved back.

  “You’ll be fine, Rachel,” Nick said. “And if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, Nick. I appreciate that.”

  “Looks like the bike is a winner,” Nick said.

  I smiled. “I knew it would be.”

  Chapter 32

  Mary

  The nurse came to take Jax. “How’s our little guy doing?”

  I looked up. “He sure has a firm grasp on my finger. Seems like he’s getting stronger every day.”

  Sharon nodded. “It’s such a blessing when you see these little ones thrive, but when they don’t…”

  She didn’t finish her sentence. She didn’t have to. Every time I walked into the nursery, I’d look to see who was new and who was missing. I’d noticed one of the twin boys who were usually side by side in the back corner wasn’t there. I didn’t want to say anything, but when Sharon brought it up I thought I should. “I noticed Noah’s bassinet was empty.”

  Tears formed in Sharon’s eyes. “We lost him last night. He fought so hard.”

  I patted her back. “You’re doing an amazing job with these little ones. I know it has to be hard. I’m sure it’s rewarding when they make it and devastating when they don’t. But whatever happens, I hope you know you’re making a difference, not only in their lives but also in the lives of their parents.”