Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “Not always, though.” Kade releases a snicker, one that could only be classified as naughty and evil. “You get this look on your face when you and your dick are copasetic. Starved.”

  “NO!” I clasp my ears again, laughing self-deprecatingly. “I can’t talk about this subject with you, not when it’s about you.”

  “Oh, so you admit you’re receptive to your cock’s signals.” Kade tips his head back and releases a dark, sinful laugh that has me whimpering with a combination of humiliation and lust. His eyes land on my face, and then he shouts, “There’s the look!”

  I fold in half, hiding my face against my thighs, while wrapping my arms around my head. I’m so dang hard, my balls are threatening to explode. “Jesus, why am I enjoying this torture so much?”

  Kade rests his elbow on my back and leans on me. “Because making fun of yourself releases the stress.” He sighs deeply, and then pulls me up so I can’t hide my face from his view.

  “I’d gotten hard for one little cock tease, so I wasn’t quite sure if I was gay or a pervert. I mean, I seriously thought I was a pervert.” Kade’s face twists up into a grimace. “Thankfully, I never saw this kid again for years after Royce and the little shit’s family caught on.”

  “Wow…” My eyes bug out in shock. “I need the rest of the details on this story. I’ll beg.”

  Kade flashes me an odd look, like I should just know the details. “Whole lotta keep-away has been happening over the past six years… I didn’t accept I was gay until college. Late bloomer. But then my dick was pointing out what he liked like a divining rod. I took his hint and slapped a label on myself. Since my dick has never pointed out a girl, the label was the right one.”

  “Other than you…” I trail off, knowing Kade will get what I can’t say.

  “Wynn?” Kade tugs my hair so I’ll look at him. “My version of schoolyard flirting, I was taunting you in the Circle K for months, and you were oblivious to the fact that you were tenting your pants. I think you need to open the lines of communication. Somewhere your wires got crossed, and you’re ignoring the signal.”

  “Why can’t I be normal?” I hate how whiny I sound– pitiful.

  “That’s the problem, right there.” Kade points at me, and then himself. “Normal. Being gay is normal… for me. I don’t know. Maybe it was all the faggot slurs out of your father’s mouth, or how sex got twisted up with violence with what happened to Willa. I don’t even know if you’re gay, or if it’s just that you feel comfortable around me. But you need to tune in to find out.”

  “Thank you,” I breathe like a prayer. “I mean it. Thank you for talking to me. I needed this. I really did.”

  “I know,” Kade breathes back. “It’s what I meant about how you needed a flesh and blood human being with experiences and wisdom to share, not a ceramic inanimate object, and not an impassive therapist who doesn’t know you and will never get you. This is why I’m on this planet, to help people like you– people like us.”

  “I’ll never try to kill myself again.” I stand up, unable to sit still while I say this. “I know it was stupid. I know it was wrong. And I meant what I said about Warren curing me.”

  “I know. It’s why I said you don’t need a therapist.” Kade stands up, grabs my hand, and then starts walking me around the perimeter of his back yard. “But you do need to say it out loud.”

  I hold it in. Maybe it was five times around the backyard, or fifty, but I finally say what’s killing me. “Guilt. Shame. Fear. I wake up in the middle of the night and puke my guts out. I look in the mirror at my face, tracing where I would have liquefied my flesh and bone. It could be a week, or a day, or even a minute, and I find myself doing the same thing. It’s a compulsion now. I don’t know how to accept what I did, why I did it, that I survived, and be able to swallow the guilt and shame so I can move on.”

  A firm hand wraps around the back of my neck, drawing me into an embrace. Kade grips me to his chest, whispering soothing words against my hair. I hadn’t even realized I was crying, that’s how disconnected I am at all times.

  “God,” I cry, clasping my arms around his middle as tightly as I can, not caring that I’m dampening his shirt with my tears. “I needed this.”

  Hugging Kade is different. His strong arms are holding me, holding me up and holding me together. I take comfort in how safe he makes me feel. It’s not me taking care of Penny, Hayden, or Hayley’s needs. It’s not me cleaning up Willa and Warren’s messes. It’s not a mock-punch of affection from Bren and Jack. It’s not Royce trying to comfort me without coddling me, when he’s so much smaller than I am.

  Kaden is strong enough in all ways to support me, and I needed it. Maybe someday, I’ll be strong enough to support him back, if he’ll let me.

  “It’ll be okay. I promise… Shh… it’s alright. It gets better– easier. Just let it out.” Kade brushes my hair off my forehead, and then nuzzles it with his cheek. “When you find the answer on how to release the guilt and move on, I’ll need you to tell me. Until then, we’ll just help each other cope. Okay?”

  “I like you because you’re older than me, stronger than me, taller than me, bigger than me, and smarter than me,” I mutter in a very serious tone. “So if I figure this out before you, the universe will implode.”

  “You, little shit,” Kade grumbles when I start laughing.

  “Little shit?” I point at my chest. “Who, me?” I quickly turn around or risk fainting from blood loss. “Seriously, Kade, you can’t blush and look at me like that. My dick might think you’re interested, and then we’ll have to take up carpentry.”

  I charge across the yard the instant Kade releases a growl. “Innocent, my ass. I knew you were fucking with me.” He hooks his arm around my neck, steering me toward the street.

  “I just wanted to hear you say Warren thought we were gonna screw. I was torturing the both of us.” We both huff out a laugh when we spot my family. They’re all sitting on one side of the table in the yard, all the chairs facing Kaden’s house. The look of shock on their faces when we start toward them is priceless.

  “If you were a girl, they wouldn’t be checking for a hymen. Beware, Royce will ask the status of your pucker, worried about penetration.” Kade sounds like he’s joking, but there is a thread of truth in his words and a whole helluva lot of hurt. “I don’t think I’m a pervert anymore, but they’re still looking at me like one. Yet they never bothered when Warren was a grown man putting it to Penny.”

  “I hate that I understand what you’re saying.” A bit of my earlier rage leaks back through. “I want to be mad at Warren, but I can’t be.”

  “Same here.” Kade releases a laugh. “The Warren who left here three months ago, he wouldn’t have suggested a therapist. He would have called you a faggot, shamed you in front of everyone, and then dropped your ass at a religious cult retreat that would cure you of your perversions. I’d say he’s had some progress.”

  “That’s not even funny.” I chuckle a few times. “But it’s so freaking true, isn’t it?”

  “Hillbillies, I tell ya.”

  Sold

  It takes walking down an entire street before I gather the courage to ask Royce what the deal is. We just left a distraught Penny alone with Warren. Not that she’s not thrilled to have Warren home. But for three months it was us: Wynn, Penny, Hayley, and Hayden. Now Penny feels like we’re leaving her behind with a childish junkie– she picked Warren; she can keep him.

  “Were you ever going to tell me Kaden is your foster kid?” I try not to sound like I’m interrogating Royce, or angry with him, but it seeps through anyway.

  “Honestly, I didn’t think it mattered.” Royce just shrugs the best he can while holding Hayden’s hand. “I’m not the only one keeping secrets, Wynn. Were you ever going to tell me your issue resolved itself by setting its sights on your adult foster brother?”

  “I don’t really think that counts, Dad.” Bren snickers, thriving on the drama. “Kade hasn’t lived
with us in four years. Technically, Wynn hasn’t even lived with us yet.”

  Eyes narrowed, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I accuse Bren.

  Bren flashes me a naughty grin, so I know he’s going to taunt me. “I was going to wait until Christmas morning, and watch your shock when lover boy showed up to open presents.”

  “Snarky ass,” I growl. Willa’s sweet laughter hits my ears, and all the stress and pressure melts away. If she thinks my predicament is hilarious, then I’ll try to amuse her more often.

  Not serious, but wouldn’t be surprised, I ask Royce, “Do you have any other sons I should know about?”

  “Yeah, two of ‘em,” Royce answers immediately.

  “Who?” My heart clenches with betrayal and hurt. “I don’t understand all the secrecy. This was major, and you somehow forgot to tell me this shit?”

  “You’re such an idiot.” Bren hits me upside the head. “You’re walking with us, dipshit. Yours truly, you, Hayden, and Hayley are Dad’s kids. With Kaden getting an honorable mention of ‘like a son.’”

  Eyes squinting, I mumble, “Legally?”

  “Yes,” Bren says, still sounding amused, but Royce talks over him. “I was awarded guardianship in May, with the legalities finalized in the end of July and two weeks ago.”

  “How is this any different than with Kade?” I ask Bren, knowing he’d tell me the truth quicker. But, instead of answering, he takes Hayden’s hand away from Royce, and then puts his other hand on the small of Willa’s back, ushering them up the street so I won’t upset them.

  “I don’t want to upset anyone, but shouldn’t this be a big deal?” I ask Royce in a hushed tone, knowing the kids and Willa can still hear me. “Everything I’ve known my entire life has changed, and no one consulted me.” My voice cracks under the strain of stress. “You just hid me away down the street, piling busywork on me so I wouldn’t notice.”

  Royce squeezes my shoulder. “I understand, son. I get how frustrated you must be. But it had to go down this way.”

  “Then explain it to me!” I demand. “I have a right to know.”

  Royce sighs heavily, but eventually gives in. “The difference between Kaden and you kids is that you’re not my foster kids. I was awarded guardianship of Kaden until he reached the age of majority because his grandfather was unfit to raise him. After that, I had no legal ties, but we continued to have a father/son relationship.”

  “I don’t understand how I’m any different? I mean, I’m seventeen years old already.”

  “When my brother married a child, it drew me to the Gillettes. I’ve been keeping an eye on you since you were ten. You know that.”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t obvious at first. But as I got older, I figured out you were taking care of me the best my parents would allow.” It’s my turn to squeeze Royce’s shoulder as I get choked up on emotion. “I appreciate it. But at times it makes me feel like you think I’m incapable of taking care of myself.”

  I wait for Royce to deny it, but he doesn’t. So I get to the heart of the matter. “You’re talking around what I’m asking. Why is that?”

  “Fine.” Royce sighs again, but this time he rakes his fingers through his dark hair. “About a week after you left your parents, I had sole parental rights to you, Wynn. You are my son in every way to me, blood or not. Out of respect for your roots, I didn’t go forth to change your birth certificate and your last name.”

  I can’t mask the hurt in my voice. “How?”

  “We’ll discuss that when we get home, okay?” Royce’s voice holds a deep well of sympathy and compassion, and I can’t be angry with him when he looks at me that way. “The difference is, according to the state, the four minors walking with me right now are my children, versus how I was only Kaden’s guardian for a year and a half. I’ll be your father by rights until we die.”

  “What about Willa?” I gesture at my sister’s back, trying to convey how lost I’m feeling.

  “I signed over my parental rights before I went into treatment.” Willa doesn’t turn around, but she does respond for herself, instead of Royce taking over. I’m a bit shocked because she’s not the zombie I remember.

  Dumbfounded, I blurt out. “Permanently?”

  “Yes.” Willa releases Hayley’s hand, who immediately latches onto Bren. My sister slows up until Royce and I are walking beside her. She turns her head and actually looks me in the eye.

  “But you’re out now. Are you saying they aren’t your kids?”

  “For the first time in my life, I did something selfless for my children, Wynn.” Willa’s voice breaks, so I decide not to say another word on the subject. But she keeps speaking anyway. “I had to give Royce temporary guardianship or else the state was gonna take the twins away, and there was no guarantee I’d ever get ‘em back. I was logical for once.”

  “Hey, it’s over now,” Royce murmurs gently to Willa, and then he turns to me. “I visited my brother in prison and forced him to sign his parental rights over to me. Then Willa gave me permission to petition for adoption, listing Willa and me as Hayley and Hayden’s parents. Willa didn’t give up her children. She is their mother in all ways. Forever.”

  “But… what the hell?” I stammer in shock, feet missing a step until I stumble forward. “Did it go through?”

  “Two weeks ago,” Royce’s voice shudders out. “It took longer than it did with you because of the odd situation. It was a bit messy with how Willa and I are living together and sharing the children, but not married or coupled. It helped that I was their biological uncle. Under the circumstances, they understood how I’d want to care for my sister-in-law and her children.”

  Royce’s house comes into view. Sensing that I’m about to boil over again, Bren immediately snatches the kids up under each arm and ushers them into the house, with Willa following quickly behind.

  “Why didn’t I know any of this? I didn’t know anything!” I shout. Frustrated and hurt and angry, the Gillette violence in me erupts. “It was about me and the twins, and no one told me! What the hell, Royce?”

  Speaking in a calm and quiet voice, “They were adult issues and your input wasn’t necessary.” Royce tries to calm me down, but all he does is piss me off more.

  “Royce, do you hear how that sounds?” My body starts to vibrate with how powerless I feel. I wipe the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand, and refuse to acknowledge how high my voice pitches. “You haven’t said it, but I can read between the lines. My parents didn’t want me anymore.”

  “You listen to me, Wynn.” Royce grabs my arm and drags me across the yard toward the barn, so we’re not making a spectacle of ourselves in front of the neighbors.

  “I’ve been sick with worry, and it changed nothing.” Royce opens the barn door, and gestures for me to move forward. I’ve never been inside it before. Even my curiosity can’t overpower my need for answers.

  “I wasn’t about to spread the misery around. All it would have done was force you to worry over whether or not I was awarded the children. If I hadn’t been, the state would have stepped in and taken them from us.”

  Body shaking, “shit,” slips from between my quivering lips.

  “No one in their right mind would have given them to your parents, to my imprisoned brother, or your junkie siblings. Blood ties be damned, they are not fit parents. The only choice was me. If that didn’t work, you were too young. The kids are adorable and smart and tiny, and they would have been adopted out in a heartbeat!”

  A fist crunches against a support beam. I stare in awe as Royce loses his shit. The man has never been anything but calm and supportive, and this new side of him feeds into the chaos spinning around in my head.

  “All this was going on while I spent all of my time playing happy home with Penny and the twins, while stalking Kade?” I crumple to the floor, feeling sick to my stomach. “It makes me feel so goddamned worthless, like I was living a lie.”

  Royce crouches down next to me. He grips my chin, forcing m
e to look at him. “You. Are. A. Child.” His enunciates every single word, breath billowing across my forehead. “That has nothing to do with whether or not you are capable of shouldering the burden, and everything to do with the fact that you shouldn’t have to. I am your father, and if I couldn’t do this without you, then what a shitty father I make.”

  “I could have helped you, though,” I whisper, averting my eyes away from his. “That’s what’s hurting the most. I’m not a selfish asshole. I would have done what I could.”

  “You did, Wynn. You took care of the kids and Penny all summer.” Royce settles next to me, sitting on the barn floor. “You kept them happy and healthy. You kept Bren out of my hair. So instead of stressing, I could actually focus on getting everything finalized. It’s over now. There is no sense in opening up old wounds.”

  “You’re talking around what I really want to know, Royce.” I cock my head to the side, staring at him. “Why is that?”

  “Don’t ask,” Royce breathes, and then turns away from me so I can’t see the sheen of tears in his eyes. “I don’t know if you’ll hate me, if you’ll lose respect for me, or if you’ll actually understand.”

  “My parents?” I ask the back of Royce’s head, since he won’t look at me. His shoulders are sloped, folding in on themselves.

  “I told you not to ask,” Royce grits out. “They aren’t your parents. I am. That’s all you need to know.”

  My words lash out forcefully like a fist. “I deserve an answer!”

  “I don’t think you can handle it yet, son.” Royce turns back around, letting me see the agony etched across his face. “Just let it go and trust me. You’re too fragile right now.”

  “That was answer enough. You said it was simpler for me, quicker. Now you’re upset and refusing to tell me the truth.” I rise to my feet, and then stare down at my father. “They gave me away, didn’t they? My parents, they signed me away, and the petition of adoption went uncontested, didn’t it?”