Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “Wynn, please.” Royce scrambles to his feet. He stares up at me. “I beg of you. Stop.”

  Vein in my forehead throbbing, fists clenched, I open up my mouth and bellow down at him, “Answer me!”

  “They didn’t give you away. They didn’t want to sign. They refused to take care of you, and they refused to let you go.” Royce starts whispering the truth, like he doesn’t want me to hear it. “You wouldn’t have survived going back. Fuck, Wynn. You tried to blow your brains out. I would have done anything to ensure your continued health and happiness. Anything.”

  “What happened?” I demand, and Royce answers.

  “You’re a minor, and they were your parents. Legally you couldn’t live on your own. They were going to have me arrested, knowing it would ruin any hope of gaining the twins. They were using you, Hayley, and Hayden as leverage. They were going to force you to go back to them, and it would have killed you.” Sympathy flashes across Royce’s features, or maybe it is pity. “I gave them what they wanted all along, just like they knew I would.”

  I accuse, “What did you do?”

  Royce waits a heartbeat, closes his eyes, and then destroys me. “They sold you.”

  Sacrifice

  I lunge to the trash barrel, losing everything I ate today. Body-wracking sobs compress in my chest as bile pours from my throat. I try to grip the edge of the barrel, but my strength is waning. Royce holds me up until the last of the spasms pass, and then he gently tugs me to the floor.

  “Shh… Just rest a moment.” Listless, I lie on the wood floor, unable to move or think. My eyes track Royce as he steps over to the far wall. He reaches into an ancient refrigerator, hand coming back out gripping a bottled water. He yanks a shop towel off the roll, and then comes right back to me.

  Royce sits down next to me, and then maneuvers me around until my head is resting on his thigh. He unscrews the cap on the water, and then hands it to me. He presses the blue shop towel into my other hand.

  “When I was a boy,” Royce begins in a soothing voice, lulling me a bit. “I always wanted a big, red barn. Just a whim I had… After I met my Annie, I decided I better build one. I worked night and day, trying to save enough money so I could marry her.”

  Royce pauses to wrap my fingers around the bottle tighter. “Drink,” he orders. I take a sip, and he rewards me with more of his story. He never talks about himself. Neither does Bren. It hurts them too much, so no one bothers asking anymore.

  “I bought this chunk of land on the outskirts of town, right where we’re sitting now. I had big dreams, and I would stop at nothing to gain them. I worked from the time I was fourteen until nineteen, and I still didn’t have enough. Annie’s daddy said I couldn’t marry her until I owned land. So my daddy sold everything he had– everything. Just so I could afford this. Sacrifice.”

  Royce points at the towel gripped in my fist. “Wipe your face.” I do as I am told and earn some more story. “I bought a forty-year-old trailer for a thousand bucks. It sat where the garden is now. Then Annie’s daddy allowed me to marry her. My daddy lived with us, because that’s what a good son does.”

  Royce’s words are a punch to the gut. I start sobbing again, body quaking with the force. “Shush now. There’ll be none of that. I’m not passing judgment. You need to listen to the rest, and you’ll see where I’m headed.”

  All I can do is shake my head as I swallow my tears. I take another sip of water, and then wash my face off again.

  “We were struggling real bad. We all were working constantly but getting nowhere. My daddy, Annie, and me. Then Annie got pregnant with Bren, and I started working harder. We were barely surviving. But the one thing we were was happy. We had each other, and all of us were willing to make sacrifices. I don’t know if it was an act of God, but my daddy and Annie made the ultimate sacrifice.”

  Royce reaches down to take the water bottle back, and then he drains half of it. “You see, us loving each other wasn’t because we were perfect. The ability to love someone says more about you as an individual than the person you love.”

  “My parents don’t love me,” I rasp, throat burning from the bile I passed. “First they sold Willa, and then me… always to a Kennedy.”

  “They’re incapable, Wynn. It has nothing to do with you, or Willa, or Warren, or Hayley, or Hayden. Because I love you guys more than words could express. The only thing it has to do with is them.”

  “I want to be surprised that they did this to me, but I’m not.” I breathe the rest. “It still hurts, though. I don’t ever want to be like them.”

  “That’s my point. I didn’t work hard because Annie was amazing. I worked hard because that was the type of man I wanted to be. Annie loved me because that’s how she was. My father sacrificed everything for me because he was that type of person, not because I was God’s gift of a son.”

  “I’ll try to remember that.” I clear my throat. “But it will be hard.”

  “It’s a lesson you have to be taught over and over again. Every time you want to slip back into this bullshit, you have to remind yourself of what you have, not what you lost.”

  “They lost me.” My earlier rage returns. Muttering in a dead voice, “I lost nothing,” is a declaration.

  “Don’t,” Royce warns, shaking me a bit. “Don’t turn into them because they weren’t capable of loving you. Keep your eyes open to what you have.”

  “I’m trying, but it’s so fresh.” I try to sit up, but Royce won’t let me. “I promise I won’t hurt them or myself, but I can’t make myself not feel what I’m feeling.”

  “Let me finish what I’m trying to say, and maybe it will help open your eyes.” Royce looks down at me, waiting for me to calm down, and then he begins again. “We had nothing but each other. Every week we were going more and more into debt, with less and less to eat, but we were happy.”

  “You wanted to know why I tried to kill myself– that’s why. That was the life I was living, only there was absolutely no happiness. How did you… how did you find happiness inside all that misery?”

  “Silver linings. Faith. Hope. A wide world view. Not wallowing in shit.” Royce shrugs. “Take your pick, but it’s easier said than done.”

  “I’ve been trying, Royce. Really trying. But it just keeps coming and coming… and coming…”

  “Appreciate that it can always get worse, so know what you’re living through now is not as bad as you think it is,” Royce warns. “I was at work and Bren was at school. My dad was taking Annie to the doctor because she was pregnant again.”

  I just stare up at Royce’s face, barely feeling the tears spilling from my eyes to fill my ears. Nothing in my life will ever be as bad as what Royce and Bren had to live through. It’s time I got over myself.

  Eyelids shuttering his emotions, Royce continues to torture us both. “Right in the middle of the highway, the car burst into flames, turning into a blast furnace. My pregnant wife and father were trapped and burned alive.”

  A whimper erupts from my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut and press my face against Royce’s thigh. This is why Royce and Bren don’t talk about it ever. It’s hard to hear, but harder for them to voice.

  “A faulty ignition switch. They paid the ultimate sacrifice, leaving Bren and me to never have to worry financially again.”

  “Blood money,” I whisper. My mind plays hundreds of times when Bren would shut down because someone said he was lucky to be rich.

  “Money can’t bring a loved one back from the dead, and it can’t buy happiness, but it has the power to change lives.” Royce shocks me by smiling down at me. “The first thing I did was build me this big, red barn. I knew that would amuse my daddy as he watched me from heaven. Then I built Bren a big house– the house I planned on building his momma. That garden is in tribute to my own momma.”

  A sharp laugh escapes me. “Leave it to you to see the silver lining.”

  “I was in a bad place for a long while. Some days I fall back into that. Tragedy s
trikes, and God works in mysterious ways. Blah… Blah… Blah… Instead of sleeping, I would lie awake thinking. Why did Annie, our unborn baby, and my daddy have to die? Was it to save countless lives? To give Bren and me the resources to help the lives in this town? Why did Donny buy your sister, and then try to kill her? Was it so when she’s able, she can share her story with women who are in similar situations?”

  “I think that’s the only way to deal with it.” I move to sit up, and this time Royce allows it. “I feel like shit for being mad at you, and yelling at you.” I look him directly in the eye while I apologize.

  “Just because someone else’s situation is worse than yours, doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling what you’re feeling.” Royce clears the air with the wave of his hand. “Now I’m positive that shit wasn’t God’s plan. It was simpler than that. All of these events culminated so we were all in a hard place that would bring us together– make us stronger.

  “Now that huge house will be filled with family. Willa will have a strong man to take care of her, and I will have a family to make happy. Bren will have those siblings he’s always needed. And you will feel wanted and loved for the first time in your life.”

  I have to turn my head, looking away from the sincerity glowing from Royce’s face. I’m not sure if I can handle hearing anymore, but Royce offers me no relief.

  “Anna and the babe died. My daddy died. Willa was almost murdered and left wounded, and Donny was imprisoned. We can’t ask God why when it’s so obvious it was to bring us all together.”

  “I… I…” Feeling overwhelmed again, I decide to make a joke. “I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it sounds better than bad shit happens to good people.”

  “You can be such a wiseass sometimes.” Royce laughs at me, but then it dries up quicker than usual. “Wynn, we could stress on the hows and whys of it. We could throw up because of the stress of it. We could allow it to alter who we are, until we take a shotgun blast to the chin or a hunting knife to our forearms… or we could just accept that there was a reason, even if we don’t understand it.”

  Royce stands up, and then reaches a hand down to help me rise. “We move on is what we do.”

  “Big, red barn, eh?” Curiosity gets the better of me, and I finally take a look around. “Apparently I’m not a dreamer, because I had no whims when I was a kid.”

  “You’re still a kid,” Royce reminds me. “You’ve still got time to dream some shit up.” Catching the look on my face, “Except that. Don’t be dreaming about that. No being alone with Kaden Marx. I mean it.”

  I ignore Royce. I’ve never had a dad who gave two shits, so being told what to do doesn’t sit well with me. “This is nice. I like it out here.” I wander around the barn, taking note of all the woodworking supplies. “I could live out here. Maybe I’ll go get my cot and make myself to home.”

  “That’s why I brought you in here.” Royce picks up a rasp, focusing on it instead of me. “My office is where I escape. Bren jogs. Kade ties flies. That’s why Willa and Warren’s doctor required that they find a suitable escape.” He presses the rasp to my chest, and I clutch it in my hands. “No one will come into this barn unless you invite them.”

  “What?” I mutter to Royce’s retreating back.

  Royce turns on his heel to face me, and continues to walk backward to the door. “Maybe I was dreaming of a big, red barn because someone else was gonna need it. Ya never know. The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

  My eyes bug out in surprise, and “Shit,” flows from my lips. I place the rasp back on the worktable, noting all the new tools littering the surface. “You didn’t have to do this. I don’t want to run you from of your own barn.”

  “I built it and never saw a use for it,” Royce admits while wearing an odd grin. “I only need a bit of space for the lawn tractor and garden supplies.”

  My mind’s already imagining the possibilities. “Wow… thanks.”

  “Hey, Wynn?” Royce calls from the door. “If you care about someone, you have to make sacrifices. You have a bright future ahead of you, and Kade has goals that shouldn’t be hampered. I’m not telling you to stay away from him because I’m being an asshole. I’m saying it because you need to hear it.”

  “Why?” I blurt out. “I can’t help how I feel. It’s not like Kade feels the same way back. Is it because I might be gay?”

  Royce just stares at me for a minute, and then shakes his head back and forth. “I don’t care,” he sounds mildly insulted. “The adult will always be held accountable. Keep your dick in your pants around Kade, so he can keep his job. That’s what I’m saying.”

  I glare at Royce. “It’s not like Kade would ever take me up on it,” I sputter out, exasperated. “Seriously?”

  Royce tilts his head back and laughs, and then laughs some more. “Keep it in your pants around Kade until you’re an adult and no longer a student of Kentwood Area School District. If you have to scratch an itch, do it with someone who has nothing to lose, someone who doesn’t mean anything to you.”

  “Wow… Dad… way to give shitty advice.” Bren’s voice flows into the barn before he appears. “Advocating casual sex. It’s no wonder I’m a slut.”

  Royce’s head hitches to the side, setting his sights on his son. “Were you eavesdropping?”

  “Did you suddenly forget who I am?” Bren steps into the barn. “Jeesh. Ya think you’d learn.” Bren starts foraging around the worktable, like he knows what he’s searching for. “This is nice. It’s like someone knew exactly what you needed.”

  I’m relieved there’s no note of jealousy in Bren’s voice. I think of Warren and how he doesn’t share– he wouldn’t even share our shitty father.

  “We can share the barn if you want,” I mutter, unsure what else to say.

  A brilliant grin brightens Bren’s face. “Thanks, bro. But I think you need somewhere to get away from me… thanks, though.” He drops the tack hammer back to the worktable. “I had to come out here because Willa’s manning the stove, and I ain’t sure she knows how to cook.”

  “Christ!” Royce hisses as he peels out of the barn.

  Bren chuckles. “That got rid of him, now didn’t it?” He leans against the table, still laughing. “Actually, Willa’s reading the kids a book. I just wanted Dad to knock his shit off.”

  Uncomfortable, I start organizing my new tools. “Are you ready for preconditioning training tomorrow?”

  Bren rolls his eyes. “Don’t change the subject… but yeah, I’m ready. Three months without practice is killing me, and I miss our boys.”

  “Me too. I haven’t touched a basketball in way too long.”

  “I’m just going to say this, and get it out of the way,” Bren warns. “Dad’s not just being a dad. There’s something about you and Kade that’s fragile. You feeling me?”

  “I have no clue what you’re saying, dumbass.” I get defensive. “I. Am. NOT. Fragile. I could kick your ass if I was so inclined. I just don’t believe in violence.”

  “Truer words… truer words,” Bren chants just like his father does. He picks up the hatchet. “If Kade is caught in a compromising position with a student–” The hatchet blade severs a piece of rope. “Now you feeling me?”

  “Yeah, I’m feeling ya.” I take the hatchet away from Bren, and then hook it on the peg board. “No borrowing my tools until you know how to take care of ‘em.”

  Back Off!

  Proving Penny’s thinking wrong that I’m a girl in my head, my first desire isn’t to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out in my bedroom. I just learned my parents saw me as a possession that could be bought and sold, and I fear Royce thought the truth would have me grabbing for the nearest shotgun. But I’m surprised I’m not surprised.

  No longer Daddy and Momma. Corbin and Cora Gillette just put me in debt again. I have no idea the price tag I had slapped on my ass, but I’ll have to pay Royce back somehow. Not only did Royce take me in, having to feed, clothe, and put a roof over my head, he
had to pay to get me first.

  Disgusting.

  Instead of getting angry, violent, or stewing in misery, I find something else to dwell on. I can’t be bought and paid for. While I will show respect and thankfulness, I will not sit down like a beaten dog and do as I was told just because cash exchanged hands.

  When I’m told not to do something, it makes the need buzzing in the back of my mind that much stronger. The only thing I wanted to do tonight was the one thing I was warned against. I want to feel my kind of normal after learning my entire life was a lie, and I’m going to do it.

  Armed with my canvas tool bag, I sneak away from my new home without being bogged down with guilt and shame.

  I’ve never had anyone tell me what to do, to the point where I wanted to listen. All the bullshit my daddy spewed was during violent, drunken episodes. My parents didn’t care what I was up to as long as I gave them what they wanted. I just spent three months acting like a grown man with a family. It rankles a bit to be told to back off.

  It’s late, but not too late to bother the neighbors. I make my way around Kade’s house to the backyard. My eyes light briefly on Suicidal Tendencies as I head to the back porch, wondering how many secrets the chunk of ceramic knows and wishing it could spill a few.

  I’m not here to seduce Kade, not like everyone thinks. I just want to say thank you for talking to me today, for making me feel safe and understood. I feel a bit guilty going against Royce’s wishes, when I owe him so much. But I just couldn’t resist doing something that had no strings attached.

  I kneel to the side of the porch, paying mind to the lush hosta. I press on the riser, looking for its faults. I see nothing wrong, so I make my way to the other side of the porch. Immediately I spot the crack running along the riser. I fish around in my bag, looking for the pieces of metal I fashioned earlier. I grab my screwdriver and a few screws, and get to work securing the growing crack.

  A light flicks on overhead, the glow lighting my work. “Wynn?” Kade calls out from the porch. “Is that you?”