Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “I’m almost finished,” I call back. “I’ll be on my way when I’m done.” I affix the last piece of metal, holding it in place while I set the screw. “It’s a good thing you brought this up. If the crack grew any wider, the steps might have collapsed on your heavy ass.”

  “I appreciate it, Wynn,” Kade’s voice is closer. I look up to see him leaning over the porch railing above me. His hair is loose again, so it takes me a second to notice his worried frown. “But you and I have to get something straight.”

  My hands fall to my lap– my screwdriver landing on the ground. “Royce got to you, didn’t he?” I start putting my tools away, and then I zip my bag up like it pissed me off. “I just wanted a few minutes to do what I wanted to do. I wasn’t doing anything bad.”

  “Wynn,” Kade breathes like I’m killing him. “We can be friends. I like talking to you so much. But I can’t be with you the way you need me to be.”

  I slip on the shoulder strap, and then rise to my feet. I flick a hateful glare at the zombie gnome as I walk away, because the grotesque thing will hear all the words I hoped Kade would whisper to me.

  “Wynn! Stop!” Kade calls out. “Come back here!”

  I keep walking, bitching at myself inside my mind with every step I take. I’m an idiot. Why did I think he’d like me back? I just wanted to be friends. I love Warren and all, but how is he a better friend than I could be? I understood when I was a kid how it was Warren and Kade, and I was the annoying little brother tagging behind. But I’m a man now. Is it because I wanted to touch Kade? Maybe kiss him? I just wanted to show him how much I like him, make him happy. What’s wrong with me?

  Lost in my thoughts, my feet hit the sidewalk. I’m jerked backward forcefully by a hand on the back of my t-shirt. I release a high-pitched shriek of surprise as I’m dragged off the sidewalk to the grass.

  “You like that I’m stronger than you, remember?” Out of breath, Kade reminds me of the taunt I issued him earlier today. He tows me to the backyard with ease, proving how much stronger than me he truly is. Once we’re out of the nosy neighbors’ sight, he presses my back to his chest, wrapping his arms around me to immobilize me.

  “I’m not trying to… seduce you,” I bite out. Struggling, I fling my head from side to side. Kade grunts when my chin connects with his shoulder. “I don’t know why, but I just wanted to hang out with you. Is that too much to ask?”

  “No,” Kade breathes into my ear, voice dark and heady. “That’s not the issue.” He shifts, and then my tool bag falls to the ground. His thick arms bind me tighter, and I try not to melt into him. “You’re still a kid. A very confused kid. The fact that we’ve talked about some heavy shit isn’t helping. It’s a recipe for something that can’t happen.”

  “Why not?” I challenge.

  “I want you, is that what you want me to say?” Kade shouts the words, and then he lets me go. “Fuck! I want to kick my own ass.” With a forceful shove, I land on the ground. Ass-planted, my palms are abraded by the ground. “You turned me into a pervert!”

  “What the hell, you nut job? A pervert? You’re the one spouting how being gay is our normal.” I’m frozen on the ground, confused by the lost yet terrified look in Kade’s eyes.

  “I’m not a pervert because I’m gay,” Kade snarls, voice slurring. “I’m a pervert because of when I started wanting you.”

  I try to get up, but Kade barks, “Stay down there– keep away from me!”

  “Fine!” I shout back, my voice quivers with rejection. I try to get to my feet, but slip on the damp grass. “I’m going!” I scramble to my feet in a rush to leave.

  “NO!” Mouth open like he’s screaming, with great force, Kade shoves me back to the ground. “You’re listening.”

  Stunned stupid, I glare up at the asshole version of Kade who used to come into the Circle K– the one who would be nasty to me for no reason.

  “Shit!” Kade walks in a circle while yanking at his hair. “If I’m not around you, I’m good. If I chat with you in the group, I can keep my professionalism.”

  Hope bursts inside me. “Are you saying you like me?”

  Kade stops moving, freezes, and then thaws. “Ya think?” he mutters sarcastically. “But we have some issues we need to discuss, both require you backing off so I can keep my sanity. No sweet gestures that make me want to pull you into my house and lock your ass in there with me. You have to stay away from me.”

  Turning belligerent, I mutter, “I don’t want to.”

  “I know!” Kade bellows. “That’s the problem.”

  “I don’t really see the problem here.” I sit up and fold my legs underneath me. “We seem to be on the same page. I just won’t tell Royce I’m spending time with you.”

  Kade just glares at me.

  “What? What’d I say that was so bad?”

  “What you said is exactly what I expected you to say, and I’m not making fun of you.” Kade drops to the ground to sit next to me. “I’m a grown man– a teacher. I have to be above reproach. But at the same time, there is something niggling at the back of my mind, like what they would accuse me of is the truth.”

  “Accuse you of what? I’m not in the first grade. I’m months away from being eighteen. I’m not asking to fuck you. I just want to get to know you.”

  “That makes it worse,” Kade sputters. “Look around at this intolerant wasteland, Wynn. I know when you’re finally able to slap a label on yourself, you’ll be shouting that from the rooftops. But I don’t have the courage or the luxury of doing so.”

  I lean forward, and whisper against Kaden’s cheek, “I can keep a secret.”

  Kade jerks away, eyelids shuttering the hazel of his eyes, and then he groans deep in his throat. “You’re so innocent– naïve. It’s so intoxicating. You have no idea. Which is why I know what Royce says is the truth.”

  I demand, “What truth?”

  “If I come out of the closet… if I get caught with a student in my school district… if they figured out I’m Mentor KM… I’ll lose the job I was born to have. In a few years, I can come out if I’m in a committed relationship with an adult.”

  “Well, lock that fucking closet and stay in there, nice and safe.” I don’t say ‘with me’ but Kade’s glare says he read my mind.

  “All it takes is one rumor and my life is over. Even if I don’t lose my job, the rumor will infect the town. Old bigotry exists. If I’m outed, they won’t want their children in my care, thinking I’ll make them gay, or worse, that being gay somehow makes me a child molester– that pervert your daddy, your brother, and Royce have called me for the past six years. Even in the group, I have to be apart from it, only intervening with advice and encouragement. Bigots, and normal folks alike, would see it as an abuse of power, like I’m picking out a victim to fuck by exploiting their need for a place to belong. That’s the truth of it.”

  Jesus, I feel so small, like I have to beg, and I hate it. “How is being my friend the issue?”

  “Because–” Kade takes a deep breath, and then pierces me with his angry stare. “You want me, and maybe it’s only because I make you feel safe. Maybe it’s because I was there when you needed someone. Maybe not. Maybe so. But I’m not willing to find out.”

  “So that’s it.” Rejected, my hands fall to my lap, suddenly lifeless. “Just like that? I’ll see you at Sunday dinner at Royce’s, or when we’re opening Christmas presents, or just walking around town. I’m supposed to just wave? Or are you going to ignore me? All because we’re attracted to each other and you’re afraid.”

  “You don’t get it,” Kade bites out. “I’m not a high school kid. I’m not Warren’s buddy who used to come over to shoot at beer cans.”

  I jab my fingertip against his hard chest. “You’re still you, Kade.”

  “I’m not that guy anymore, Wynn.” He grips my finger, prying it away from his chest, and then he places my hand back on my lap, a safe distance from him. “I have three degrees and a mortgage. I want t
o be in a position where I can help the kids in this shithole, not have that stripped away because of a quick lay.”

  I test the words out on my tongue, “A quick lay?” while narrowing my eyes in a combination of anger and hurt.

  Kade knows his words sting, yet he says them anyway. “We are not equals yet, and I won’t stunt whatever we could build by starting a parent/child relationship with a high-schooler.”

  Completely floored, and unsure how to deal with it, I ramble, “Jesus Christ. You make me sound like a toddler. You call yourself a pervert but then make me feel like a stalker.” The shakes start in my fingertips again, working their way through my hands and up into my arms. My stomach twists in on itself, readying to erupt. I’ve got to get the hell out of here before I’m sick. I breathe the word that is repeating over and over again in my mind. “Harsh.”

  “Wynn, I have to be harsh, because you’re not hearing me. I think you’re an incredible person– smart, witty, addictive. I’d love to be your friend but I can’t be. I can’t want you. I can’t share myself with you. I can’t touch you. You’re going to have to back off.”

  The breath in my lungs seizes. My heart feels like it’s going to implode. I gaze out at Suicidal Tendencies, needing something to anchor me. “I’ll leave you be. I just… I just need a moment to get my feet beneath me.”

  Fingers twist in my hair and yank my head backward with violent intensity. “You’re hearing what you want to hear, Wynn. You’re not actually hearing what I’m saying.” The fingers tighten, drawing a groan from my throat and another unfavorable reaction in my groin that I don’t want to acknowledge.

  Angry, hazel eyes glaring down at me, Kade’s tone is laced with desperation and fear. “You have to stay away from me for my own sake. If a rumor starts, you’ll look like a rockstar for bagging a teacher, enough to where they’ll forget the gay connotations. To every adult, you’ll be my victim and I will be your predator.”

  “I get it.” I breathe, “Sacrifice.”

  Kade’s fingertips release my hair abruptly, and I slump to the ground. “Wrong.” His amused chuckle flows over my skin, prickling me with rejection. I have no idea what he finds so funny, when all I feel is sadness. “Patience is the word I’d use. At seventeen, waiting ten seconds seems like an eternity. I want to be your mentor until I can finally be your friend. Maybe in a few years, we’ll be on the same page, and we can be lovers. Stop acting like I’m murdering you and razing your world.”

  “Don’t laugh at me,” I snap, trying to get to my feet. With a firm hand, Kade just yanks my ass back down next to him.

  “I’m sorry, but you’re hilariously a typical teenager.” Fists clenched, Kade’s laughter makes me want to resort to physical violence. He leans into me and whispers. “I’m not insulting you, Wynn. I used to act exactly like you. I find it endearing… intoxicating. Hotter than Hades.” Kade shoves me backward; my elbows dig into the grass. “You have to get your ass away from me before I do something neither one of us will regret.”

  “Not a problem, asshole!” My palms lash out, landing in the center of Kade’s chest. I lunge away from him, and then launch to my feet. My reaction just makes him laugh louder, which twists the blade of rejection even deeper. “Maybe if you’d stop yanking me closer and not letting me leave, I could get out of your sight!”

  “Teenagers,” Kade says with an evil snicker. “Remember those days? Pure fucking torture.”

  My head whips around, wondering if Kade is losing his marbles.

  “The worst,” my brother steps from the shadows. “I’ve got one across the street that’s driving me to drink.” Warren reaches for me, but I dart away. “See what I mean? The most illogical creatures known to man. Cute little shits, though. Ain’t they?”

  “The cutest,” Kade murmurs. “Make sure Wynn actually heard what I said. No way could I get that point across to Royce and keep my nuts.”

  “What the fuck is this?” I demand, balling my fists up at my sides, never feeling more like a Gillette than I do now. “Were you listening this entire time?” My voice breaks with humiliation. “That was private!”

  “Teenagers are predictable,” Kade says, causing Warren to start laughing again. “Like Royce was going to let you out of his sight for five minutes, Wynn. Don’t forget, I’ve been through this for the past six years. If Royce could, he’d wipe our asses after we take a shit.” Noticing that I’m still confused, Kade finally explains. “Warren and I were ordered to wait for you to show up tonight.”

  Rubbing his ear dramatically, my brother groans. “My ear hurts from getting lectured. It’s ringing, cold, and feels numb. Royce is worse than the counselors at rehab.”

  When Warren reaches for me again, I don’t jerk away this time. I expect him to pound me like when I was little, but he just pats my back, trying to comfort me lamely.

  “At least Royce didn’t threaten your manhood.” Kade mounts the back steps I just repaired, and it’s like a punch to the nuts. “The man guilt-tripped me so bad I almost started crying.”

  “Yeah, the man’s a heartstring tugger. Hey, say hi to my dog!” Warren chirps happily. “Is Pervert doing well without his daddy? I ain’t seen him in three months.”

  I turn on my brother. “What the fuck? You don’t have a dog?”

  “Perty– my pug was a gift from Warren on my twenty-first birthday,” Kade says through gritted teeth. “And I suggest we drop this thread of conversation, or I might drag your brother into my house and write you a check.”

  “Good God, do it!” Warren groans. “Not only would you both feel less frustrated, I could finally relax. I already had to buy you a goddamned purebred pug, don’t make me ante up a grand when I can’t afford it.”

  “Well, as you heard, you owe me your blessing now, so can you please get Royce off my ass.”

  “Royce is your dad, not mine,” Warren reminds both Kade and me.

  Kade flashes me a blinding smile so large his teeth glow. “Make sure Wynn gets it, okay?” and then he disappears into his house. The sound of the deadbolt locking closes off any possibility of us forming a friendship.

  My eyes sting, and I refuse to acknowledge why. My mind is spinning maddeningly. Half of me wants to cry, while the other half says I need to man-up because I got what I deserved.

  Nothing.

  Just because I’m itching for someone, doesn’t mean I’m entitled to them wanting me back. I feel like such a foolish asshole right now. I want to crawl in my bed and hide out for days, and I never want to speak to any of these bastards ever again.

  “Well, brother…” Warren picks up my tool bag, shrugging it over his shoulder. “In Gillette speak: Kade wants you to sow your oats, grow up some, and then he’ll fuck your brains out if you’re still interested. That clear enough for ya?”

  “Crystal,” I mutter darkly.

  “But from one Gillette to another, I beg of you to somehow get into his pants before you turn eighteen. The judgmental, self-righteous prude needs to be knocked down to size. Plus, I’ve got a pregnant woman on my hands, and I ain’t got the money to lose.”

  “What are you going on about? Are you drunk? High?”

  “Nah, just stacking the odds in my favor, is all.”

  “What odds?” I narrow my eyes at my brother, but I know him. He ain’t gonna give in. So I drop it. “I didn’t come here to fuck Kade. I don’t even know if I want that. I only wanted to say thanks for being my friend, and I end up with it being thrown in my face and being dicked with.”

  Warren follows me as I head for the sidewalk. “It’s because you’re too nice,” He schools me in his warped version of adulthood. “Nice guys always finish last. Ya gotta take what you want, not ask for it.” He drops to his knees right on the sidewalk, begging and pleading with me. His hands are clasped like he’s praying. “Please, if you love me, you’ll take it. Soon.”

  Getting a clue, something snaps in me, so I reply to my brother the only way I can, with hostility. “It’s no wonder you�
��re buddies. Y’all are fucking pricks.”

  Still on his knees, Warren, pointing at my old front porch– his new front porch –where Penny is standing with her arms folded over her chest and a fierce scowl on her face, “That’s what she said!”

  •Mid-Autumn•

  Bacon and Eggs

  “It’s almost been two months,” Royce reminds me. He grabs a waffle off the stack, and then pours fake butter-flavored syrup all over it. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

  Bren, Royce, and I prefer real maple syrup, but since Willa and the kids love that sticky stuff… which is one of the reasons I don’t talk to Royce anymore. I never get my way.

  “I talk to you,” I reply shortly. Instead of being conscientious, I hog all of the bacon by picking the platter up and dumping its contents on my plate. Undeterred, Bren just reaches over and grabs a fistful, then he passes bacon out to everybody.

  “No, you answer me,” Royce stresses. “You’re proving me right by acting like a kid.”

  “I am a kid, remember?” I mutter sarcastically. “I’m not a grown man who should have any say in his life. I’m supposed to act my age. So I am.” I reach for the platter of scrambled eggs, but Willa smacks the back of my hand with a spatula, and then puts a scoopful on my plate. “Kids don’t talk to their parents. They don’t listen to ‘em, either.” I reach for the ketchup, and Hayley snatches it and hides it in her lap.

  I don’t like eggs without ketchup.

  There are four kids in this house, and somehow I managed to become the bad apple. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Used. Abused. Shot. Sold. Bought. Adopted. Betrayed. Rejected. Bet. After my maggot parents and Royce, Kade, and Warren made me feel and look like an asshole, I decided to give them what they were asking for by actually acting like an asshole.

  My family is learning to work around me. They’ve had more than a few breakfasts without bacon and eggs, and every conversation I’ve had with anyone over the age of seventeen has been one-sided. Even my teachers are fed up with me, and I never thought I’d see the day.

  Being angry is exhausting, and I feel guilty over making everything about me instead of blending us into a family and making Willa feel safe and comfortable. I’ve been through a lot, and I felt I earned the right to be a selfish prick. But I’ve punished us all long enough. I want me back, but I fear that Wynn no longer exists. I decide it’s high time to speak my mind.