Admit It

by Francesca Penn

  Cayla looked at the box on the dresser while performing a mental inventory of the items that were in her possession.

  “I had a bracelet and earrings. You didn’t give me a ring…” Cayla’s bones felt heavy, and her heart dropped to her toes as her brain caught up. She gasped for air because she forgot to breathe.

  “And I won’t. Love wasn’t designed to be one-sided. That’s because unrequited love is a bitch that hurts like hell. You don’t know who you are or what you want. You are not capable of accepting my love. If the idea of being my girlfriend was too much for you to process, being my fiancée or wife would drive you insane. I’m doing both of us a favor and getting off this roller coaster.”

  Dex’s voice cracked on the last word. He used his hand to steady himself on the wall and bowed his head to regain his composure. When his eyes met hers again, she was momentarily privy to the pain radiating inside of him. She took a step closer to him. Feeling the need to comfort him.

  He swung the door open. “Goodbye, Cayla.”

  The soft click of the door was the most damning thing she’d ever heard.

  Chapter 34

  Dex stared out at the ocean from the window of his beach house. He was wrong; the sunshine and beach had done nothing to heal the huge gaping hole in his heart. He was essentially the grouch on the beach. After their breakup – if one could call it a break up – He’d returned to the party and pasted on a happy face despite dying on the inside. Nathan and Cody were gracious enough to not ask about Cayla’s sudden disappearance. He’d scheduled her a flight home in coach. Once the Uber in Houston confirmed that she was successfully picked up and delivered to her home, he blocked her.

  After the party, he’d returned to the scene of the crime only to find the things he’d purchased for her still on the bed. Fighting back tears, he’d marched it down to the concierge, and demanded they put it in a box and ship it to her. He included a note inside that read: I can’t wear this shit. Give it to Kalilah if you don’t want it.

  Once he was settled in the new room he’d requested, he’d logged into every social media platform to block and unfollow her. He had to go cold turkey if he expected to heal. That moment, in his dark hotel room with nothing but his thoughts and tears, he’d decided to move California early. He’d done just that. His computer chimed with a FaceTime call. He walked around to his desk and answered it.

  “Hi, Dad,” he greeted with forced cheerfulness.

  Andrew didn’t say anything. Dex watched as Nick and Amelia came onto the screen as well. What the hell is up with the family FaceTime?

  “Hello, son. This is an intervention.”

  Dex rolled his eyes. “And what’s my addiction?”

  “Avoidance,” Nick supplied.

  “I’m not avoiding anything.” Dex felt his defenses rising.

  “You’re avoiding Houston and dealing with your feelings for Cayla.” That was his mom.

  “Those Wright women give our boys hell, Amelia.” Andrew laughed. “Shit, I’m happy they don’t have a son.”

  Dex and Nick weren’t amused. Nick felt the pain Dex was in, but Dex had been in it longer. It had been two months since he’d sent Cayla home. Nick had only lost Kalilah for a little over a week. Dex didn’t know if she’d tried to contact him and didn’t need to know the answer.

  “Seriously, son. Love is a constant battle. I still want to thump your mother in the head sometimes.” Andrew flinched when Amelia punched him in the arm.

  “I can’t fight alone, Dad. She’s in charge of her personal growth. I told her exactly how I felt.”

  “Right before you broke up with and blocked her,” his mom retorted.

  Dex raised a brow at Nick for telling their parents everything. Nick shrugged. “She’s been at my house every day for the last two months looking like someone stole her favorite toy.”

  “Yeah, it moved to California.” That is exactly what Dex felt like, her toy. “What else do y’all want to talk about?”

  “There’s that avoidance again. Look, I don’t know if you two were meant to be or not. I’m just saying you cannot figure that out in another state, especially if you’ve blocked her out of your life. Don’t you think the fact that she noticed she’s blocked means something?” his mom volleyed.

  “If she is at Kalilah’s place every day, she’s not out learning about herself. If she was trying that hard to find me, she could virtually use any phone at her disposal. I’ve only blocked her phone number. Besides, I’ll be flying to Houston this afternoon.” They all looked at him with surprise coloring their faces. “According to my calendar, tomorrow is Kalilah’s due date, and I plan on being close by when my nephew jumps out of her body.”

  Nick chuckled. “Of course, you’d have her due date in your calendar. I’m surprised you’re not trying to be in the delivery room. How can you like one sister and hate the other?”

  Dex shook his head. “I adore one sister and am in love with the other. I just can’t do anything about how she feels about me. Adios.”

  Dex disconnected the call before any of them could respond. They meant well, but this was not his shit show to fix. He drew his line in the sand, and not once did she try to cross it. He was not completely unreasonable, and for that reason, he unblocked her on everything. Not that he thought it would make a difference. He just wanted to prove to his family that he’d at least heard their bullshit.

  Cayla lay in bed staring at the ceiling. After the initial two weeks of moping, she’d been on a self-discovery kick. Anything, to deal with the deep-seated pang of regret. No, pang wasn’t bad enough. It’s too brief, plus what she felt wasn’t sharp or acute. It was a full body ache. An all-consuming hurt deep in her soul that didn’t let her see sunlight. She was broken. Shards of who she was were spread out along the miles stretching between Los Angeles and Houston, like ashes of a loved one never to be found or glued back together again. Now, two months later, it was still hard to breathe.

  She had to rebuild herself since what she thought she knew was not equipped enough to avoid this self-inflicted fifty caliber shot to the left side of her chest. He’d planned to propose. Her eyes watered again; apparently, two months of crying wasn’t enough to stop the tears. Damn her and her impeccable hydration practices.

  When she’d returned, she’d avoided Felix just to save herself from the well-deserved steaming pile of “I told you so” followed by the lovely taste of crow for dessert. However, she’d forgotten that happy wasn’t always Nick’s natural state. She’d forgotten about the snippy man with no filter who always hung around waiting to get tagged back into the ring.

  She’d also forgotten that the Sinclair siblings went out of their way to have conference calls. She did not expect that when she’d climbed out of bed after her two-week long mope fest that seeing her would ring a bell in Nick’s head, and the asshole would tap in again.

  But when he’d opened the door and the usually jovial eyes turned thunderstorm gray complete with the lightening and everything, Cayla knew she was about to be put through a verbal wringer.

  “In my office, now!” he’d growled. His posture and tone left no room for argument.

  Kalilah tried to intervene, but Nick shut her down, and Cayla would swear on a stack of bibles that his aggression had turned Kalilah all the way on.

  He dug into her the moment the door closed. “What in the fuck is your problem, Cayla?” he raged. “How could you give me shit when I tried to date your sister just to turn around and mistreat my brother?”

  His arm muscles bulged when he crossed his arms over his MIT shirt. Cayla was emotionally drained and didn’t think she had the strength to fight with Nick. Luckily, Nick and Dex looked different enough for her to not feel like she was being yelled at by Dex. Although, Dex yelling would be a better alternative to silence. He’d blocked her on everything.

  “I didn’t mistreat, Dex,” she whispered.

  “Then what in the hell would you call what you did to him? Why else would have b
een told to make arrangements to send his shit to California?”

  Cayla shot up to her feet. The room felt too small. Dex didn’t plan to come back to Houston? That knowledge added a brand-new layer of fertilizer to the shit she’d already felt like. How could he tell her he loved her in the middle of kicking her out of his life?

  “I only said I wasn’t his girlfriend…”

  “No, you denied being his girlfriend then scolded him for thinking it was possible. In a formal setting to boot. What in the hell were you thinking? And why would you not think you were his girl?”

  “Because I wasn’t!” Cayla vexation was returning. “We’d never discussed it.”

  “Fine. Tell me what the fuck you thought you two were. I’ll wait.”

  Did he just Katt Williams her? Cayla eased back in the chair; she didn’t have an answer. Friends wasn’t the right word, friends with benefits downplayed their connection. “Lovers?”

  “Get the fuck off the bullshit. You need to take ownership of your crap sometimes. You had sex with him, cared about his feelings and opinions, went on a getaway together, and was invited to be his plus one at the biggest event of his career to date. You were his girlfriend. Don’t tell me about the lack of a damn conversation like y’all are children. Did you want him to pass you a note and ask you to check “yes” or “no”? Or did you want to him ask you to go steady? Didn’t he do a shit ton more than the last idiot who called you his girlfriend?”

  Cayla turned red like she was allergic to his words. “Nick, I’ve been over this enough in my own head.”

  “No, you haven’t because you keep coming up with the same shit. There is a reason why you decided to disown him at that moment. Own it. There is a reason why you are still hiding behind the same stock answers. Own it. And there is a reason why you look like a pale, disheveled version of your usual self since he sent you back to Texas. That’s the part you really need to own. No one is this lost without a non-boyfriend lover who meant nothing beyond sex. Own your fucking shit, and stop playing with my brother’s emotions. Am I clear?” Dex said that to her once before.

  Cayla sighed. Nick was right, but she still wanted to throat punch him. If she’d known this was waiting for her. She would’ve signed up for the crow special with Felix.

  “I used to think Kalilah was bullshitting about the grouch you used to be. She said you were mean because of the things that used to come out of your mouth.”

  Nick smirked briefly at the mention of his wife. “Well, I’d get in trouble because all the mean shit I said to her was unfounded. Unlike today.” He looked at her pointedly. “Here’s the thing. The reason why I kept lashing out because I wasn’t taking ownership in my role in everything. Sounds familiar?”

  “And guess who got in my face and told me to get my shit together,” Nick added.

  “Your dad?” Cayla remembered the whole tricking Kalilah to go to his office situation.

  “No, my dad listened to my broken-hearted bitching and provided me a way to talk to her. Dex is the one who yelled at me. Told me I kept finding ways to fuck up things and I needed to stop acting like life only happened to me. Have you heard of Iris?”

  “No.” Cayla squirmed in her chair. She hadn’t been scolded this thoroughly since she tried to be one of the bad kids in high school and skipped school to hang out.

  “She was a girl he’d met on one of his many trips; he thought they had something real. Until he found out she was engaged to someone else and only wanted him for sex. In her mind, he was just a trust fund kid and player only good for the physical.” Nick looked at her as if he was trying to reach her soul. “Are you catching the parallel?”

  “I did not use him for sex!” Nick tilted his head. His whole demeanor said “really?” Cayla took a breath and tried again. “In the beginning, I thought it would be just sex. In my defense, that was the only point he’d made…”

  “Was it? I remember him asking you out for Valentine’s, buying you flowers, and trying to take you on a trip.” He had a point. “Give me a chronological break down of your relationship with your rationale.”

  “Okay, it was the biggest point he made. I crashed at his place because I was stressed out at work. Then, I’d freaked out and ended up here because I realized my subconscious thought of him beyond the physical.” Cayla sat up straighter because her thoughts and feelings started to fall into order. “Then, I’d lashed out at him when he told me he was moving because I didn’t want him to go. I planned the trip in Austin because I couldn’t stand him not talking to me. I unwittingly embarrassed him in California because Nathan looked like everything I thought I wanted, but I went back over to Dex because…”

  Nick leaned in and prompted her to continue. Did it really take Nick speaking to her analytical side for her to have revelations? Of course, he had to do this himself recently. “Because?” Nick said.

  “Because I realized Dex was actually everything I wanted.”

  “And now?”

  “I’m at your house, lost and disheveled after two weeks of moping.”

  “Rationale?” Nick asked. Cayla felt like she’d been hit by lightning. Everything was frazzled and fried.

  “Because Dex broke up with me.”

  “How was that possible?”

  “Because I was his girlfriend until I put my foot in my mouth.”

  “Why did it matter when Dex broke up with you?”

  “Because watching him walk away broke me.” Cayla sniffled.

  “Conclusion?”

  “I’m in love with Dex.”

  Chapter 35

  “When you know better, do better.”

  “Sir?” Cayla asked her dad.

  “Look up that quote by Maya Angelou. I think it will help. I just remember ‘know better, do better.’ I believe it’s a quote about self-discovery. You did all you could with the knowledge you had, now you have to obtain new knowledge and experiences.”

  “Meaning?” she questioned with a half-smile as she switched lanes on the freeway.

  “Find Dex and work it out. Then see the world. There is so much outside of Texas and the ideal life you’d created in your head when you were younger.” Will looked at her profile. “You’re super stubborn; you get that from me, I’m afraid, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be happily married.”

  “I’d already concluded that I am in love with Dex. It took longer than it should, but I’m fully aware now.”

  “Awareness is great, but what are you going to do about it?”

  “You’re not disappointed that he’s not black?”

  “Hell, no. He’s focused, respectful, and has a good head on his shoulders. You’re sad without him. Which means he was a good boyfriend. Right?”

  Cayla nods. The emotion clogged her throat. He went over and beyond to make her feel everything.

  “I know there are plenty of black men with the same qualities, but it doesn’t mean that Dex isn’t the man for you. Pry your foot out of your mouth, and fix it.”

  “How do you know it was me?”

  Will’s laugh was hearty. “Have we met?”

  Cayla smiled. “I just thought you wanted us to be with black men, Dad.”

  “In theory, but have you ever seen one second of me being disappointed since Kalilah introduced us to Nick? At the end of the day, all I want is for my baby girls to be treated well. Do you feel he’s capable of doing that?”

  Cayla turned into the hospital’s parking lot. “More than capable.”

  “There you have it. So, what’s the problem?”

  The hospital doors parted to allow him entry. Dex strolled through the doors ignoring the inviting looks some of the women threw him on his way to Labor and Delivery. On the outside, he looked like his usual cool and confident self. But, on the inside, his nerves raged and moshed in his veins. Cayla’s presence taunted him like the ring he didn’t have the heart to return. It sat in his top dresser drawer, and every single day, it abused him and called him names. He’d often shut his d
rawer quickly just to shut it up.

  Kalilah had been having pain and came to get checked out. It could’ve been a false alarm; he’d heard that happened a lot at the end, but he didn’t want to risk missing the real thing. His chest tightened when he arrived at the third floor. He was honestly unsure how he’d react to being in the same room with Cayla after months of separation. Dex silently prayed for strength as the waiting room came into view.

  Dex saw his parents first. His mom rushed to him and hugged him like he’d gone to war – he had, only emotionally. He suppressed an eyeroll. He’d been on trips and vacations longer than he’d been living in California. She cupped his face and stared at him like all mothers do, mentally checking for scars. The only scars he had were internal.

  Next, his dad shook his hand while pulling him into a half hug and patting his back. He felt her looking at him. Her eyes bored into his back. The chairs were in a big U. His parents were to the right when he’d walked into the room, the Wrights were ahead, and Cayla was on the left. He hugged Akila and shook hands with Will. A heavy hush fell over the room. Both sets of parents were curious to see how their last-born children would respond to each other.

  Dex glanced in her direction, unable to commit to fully turning to her. His emotions were still raw enough for the sight of her to render him speechless. He didn’t want to fold or try to fix it. She needed to prove that she’d changed. Opting not to speak lest he broke, he waved in her general direction before returning his attention to his disappointed mother.

  “How long will you be here?” Amelia inquired.

  “Up to two weeks, then I have to be back for filming.”

  “Up to?” Andrew questioned.

  “Yeah, might choose to leave before then. I’m only going to book a hotel a few days at a time.”

  “Hotel?” his parents questioned in unison.

  “We have a huge house…” Andrew started.