Holding a Tender Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Bishop Beiler sighed. “I’m disappointed in you, Verna. You should at least have waited a while before you saw more of Joe—as I suggested.”

  “A lot of Amish see Englisha friends during that time.” Verna’s voice was weak. “You said so yourself. And Joe was no different. At least he was sorry and came back to the community. Doesn’t that mean anything? Because it does for me. The man has a heart of gold.”

  “Stolen gold!” Lois exclaimed from the kitchen doorway.

  Verna didn’t respond, too exhausted for further argument.

  Bishop Beiler waved his hand about. “I guess we’ll overlook the past. I can understand why Verna was tempted to ignore the man’s faults. But I should have stood firm in the beginning when I had my doubts. In this I take full responsibility. So from here on I will be even more careful. And Verna, you are to consider your relationship with Joe Weaver over. I told him so tonight, and he had the decency not to protest. So I have to give the boy that much credit.”

  “I will not give him up!” Verna’s wail cut through the living room. “I’m going down to see him tonight!”

  Saloma leaped to her feet. “Verna’s overwrought, Daett. Don’t mind what she’s saying. I’ll take her up to her room.”

  Verna didn’t resist as Mamm took her by the hand and tugged.

  But there was still fire in her eyes, Debbie thought. This battle wasn’t over by any means. She saw the bishop’s gaze follow Verna. From the look on his face, he’d drawn the same conclusion.

  The bishop rose. “We’ll say no more tonight. Already too much time has been spent, and we will not be able to get up in the morning. Everybody off to bed!”

  Saloma and Verna were already gone, so Debbie followed the other two girls up the stairs. Saloma met them on her way down. With a weary smile, she said, “Good night, girls. I think Verna will be okay now.”

  Ida spoke up. “I’ll check in on her.” Saloma didn’t object.

  Lois followed Debbie into their room, and the younger girl lay on her bed. Clearly she had no intention of settling down, Debbie thought. Soon Lois’s whisper cut through the dim light of the room. “What a night this has been!”

  Debbie sat down on the other bed. “Do you think Verna’s going to accept your dad’s decision?”

  “I wouldn’t count on it.”

  “I see trouble myself,” Debbie said. “Verna looked quite determined to me.”

  Lois sighed. “Daett will take care of her. He always has before. Look at me. I used to make all kinds of threats about leaving. I even thought I was going to that Englisha school this fall. And look what happened. I’m going on with life and—poof!—the thought’s gone!” She stared at the ceiling. “I guess I enjoyed watching Verna accomplish a task none of us were able to yet. Getting a man past Daett’s sharp eye. Now that achievement is over.”

  “It does look so,” Debbie agreed.

  “Much as I feel her pain, I’m also mourning for myself.” Lois sat up in the bed as a soft knock came on the door. It opened before either of them could answer. Ida appeared.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but Verna wants us to pray with her. Could you both come?”

  “Of course!” Lois got up at once and headed out the door. Debbie followed.

  Verna appeared hollow-eyed when they entered her bedroom. She whispered, “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been behaving. I never thought I would react like this…”

  “It’s okay.” Lois gave Verna a quick hug.

  “Thanks.” Verna caught her breath and continued. “Will you pray with me? I’m trying to collect myself, and I need Da Hah’s strength.”

  Ida was the first to kneel beside the bed, followed by the others. Debbie took Verna’s hand as Ida led out, “Dear Hah in heaven, please help Verna tonight—and even tomorrow and the day after. You know it’s going to be hard for her…and for all of us. Our hearts are hurting, but Verna’s the worst of all. Touch Verna with Your tender love because we know she is even more precious to You than she is to all of us.”

  Verna clung to Debbie’s hand as Lois prayed next. “Please help us. I feel in my heart how much Verna hurts. But I also know what this could mean for all of us. Give Verna the blessing of peace in her heart tonight—difficult as that may be—and also for the rest of us. I ask for the sake of Your great name. And I thank You ahead of time. Amen.”

  Debbie waited a moment before she began. “I pray too, dear Lord, that You would heal hearts tonight. Give hope to Verna. I know that You will still be with her regardless of what those whom she loves have done. Help me be a comfort to Verna in whatever way I can. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  In the silence that followed, Verna prayed. “O dear Hah, I ask that You forgive Joe even as we forgive him for whatever he has done. My heart tells me he didn’t do this terrible thing. I know Joe told me the truth about his Englisha girlfriend back when he wouldn’t have had to tell me anything. Now I place Joe in Your hands. That’s hard for me to do, but I’m trying. And I promise I will be true to Joe. Soften Daett’s heart so that he might also see this thing the way it really is. But if not, help me bear the burden of doing what is right because I will not forsake Joe!”

  The room grew quiet as Verna rose to her feet. She gave Debbie a tight hug first, followed by the others. She smiled through her tears. “Thanks for coming and praying with me. It means so much.”

  “Of course,” Debbie said as she squeezed Verna’s hand one last time. Then she turned and followed Lois back to their bedroom.

  Twenty-Six

  On Friday morning Verna walked into the barn, threw the harness on Buttercup, and tightened the straps with quick jerks. She’d waited long enough for this visit. It must be done. Buttercup groaned in protest, and Verna gave her a gentle stroke on the neck. “Sorry there. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, but I’m in a hurry.”

  Daett had left for town an hour ago, and he wasn’t expected back for some time. Still, Verna wanted to be out of the driveway and down the road a gut distance before there was any chance that Daett would show up. She would deal with him later. Right now she had to see Joe. Mamm knew what she was up to but hadn’t said anything so far.

  Once she made the trip to see Joe, the deed would be done and her courage wouldn’t fail her. Never before had she done anything like this. Rebelling against Daett’s word was unthinkable, and yet she’d not only thought about it but she was acting upon her thought.

  Verna pushed open the barn door and led Buttercup outside. She lifted the shafts and swung her underneath. The house lay silent behind her. Mamm was probably watching from the living room window, perhaps with tears that threatened to fall. But Verna took her silence to mean she understood her need to speak with Joe—even if it meant defying Daett.

  Verna fastened the last tug and threw the lines into the buggy. She climbed in and guided Buttercup down the lane. She kept her gaze on the lane as they swept past the house. Mamm might change her mind at the last minute and race out to flag her down. But when Verna reached the main road, the lawn behind her was still empty.

  She wiped away a tear that stung her cheek. She was glad Mamm wasn’t involved in her defiance, and so too must her sisters be kept from any association with her deed. Verna had even turned down Ida’s offer to help her hitch Buttercup to the buggy. Still, this contact with Joe might bring shame on all of them. The women’s chatter at the sewing meeting on Wednesday of this week had made that clear enough. They’d expressed sympathy for her, but they still thought she was the innocent victim. They thought Joe had deceived her. If they found out that she willingly visited him after his shame, all that would change. They would think that one of the bishop’s daughters had exercised a terrible lack of judgment. They would wonder why their bishop had not kept his daughter from the contact. “Can’t he control his own children?” they would ask, even though Verna was twenty-four years old and capable of making up her own mind.

  Verna listened to the beat of Buttercup’s hooves on the pavement for a minute or tw
o. Then the thoughts came again. What would she tell Joe once she arrived? The more she considered, the more muddled everything became. What was she supposed to say to him? That she still loved him? That she believed his side of the story? That she would stand with him? She, of course, would even though she wasn’t his frau—yet. And neither was she promised to him. Would Joe think her forward and out of place? What a fine mess! And worse, what if she drove over to meet with him only to have Joe reject her?

  But he wouldn’t, Verna told herself. Joe had a heart of gold. He might think of the harm she was doing to her reputation, but he would not reject her. He wouldn’t bruise her heart even further.

  Some fifteen minutes later, Verna’s hands tightened on the reins as the Weaver farm came into view. She’d been here often for the Sunday morning church services, yet the place felt strange, just like so much of life did lately. A disruptive tragedy must do that, Verna thought. She decided she mustn’t let it bother her. Her Joe lived here. She would find him, and the words that needed saying would come.

  Verna slowed Buttercup to turn in the driveway. Should she stop at the house first? Nee, that could only complicate things if a long conversation ensued. Joe’s mamm might feel the need to warn that she shouldn’t be here. She would see if Joe was in the barn. That’s where he should be at this hour of the morning…or perhaps in the fields.

  Verna pulled Buttercup to a stop with his nose a foot or so from the side of the barn. She jumped out to tie him to a nail in the wall. The hitching post was behind her, but this felt better—more secluded from the road if people should drive past. If they did recognize one of Bishop Beiler’s buggies in the barnyard, they might think Daett was here. Verna’s conscience twitched at the thought. Here she was practicing outright deception. What a state of affairs things had fallen to—and so quickly! She jumped when the barn door swung open in front of her.

  Joe’s daett appeared. Lloyd touched his hat and glanced around. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  Clearly he expected someone to have accompanied her. Verna ignored his searching look. “Would Joe be around?”

  Lloyd didn’t say anything for a few moments. “Why do you wish to see him, Verna?”

  Verna shifted on her feet. “Because he’s my boyfriend.” The words came out much too forcefully, but she couldn’t help it.

  Lloyd looked pained. “It might be best if you didn’t see him until this is over, Verna.”

  “Why? Does Joe not wish to see me?” The question contracted her throat and caused the words to squeak out. She shouldn’t have asked such a thing, but fear gripped her heart.

  Lloyd’s face showed the answer before he spoke. “Nee, he’s wishing to see you. That’s not the problem, Verna.”

  Verna had already turned away from the barn door. She spoke over her shoulder. “Then I will go find him!”

  She heard Lloyd sigh. “He’s racking hay in the back field. Come, I’m leaving to go out there in the hay wagon.”

  Verna stopped, turned, and followed him without speaking. Lloyd had his team tied behind the barn. Two of Joe’s brothers were waiting there. Lloyd motioned for her to get in the wagon. She set her hands on the side of the wagon and swung up as she had done so many times on the farm at home.

  “Gut morning,” she greeted Merlin and Virgil.

  They both nodded and murmured greetings.

  Verna balanced herself with one hand on the back rack and stood steady as Lloyd drove the team across the rough ground. Once they passed a row of trees, Joe’s form became visible. He was riding on the hay rake and glanced their way for a moment then looked down again. A moment later she caught sight of Joe looking up again. This time he waved his hand. He had seen her! Verna waved back and carefully moved closer to the edge of the wagon.

  She wanted to jump off the bouncing wagon and run to him, but Lloyd and Joe’s brothers were watching her. She could tell Lloyd still didn’t approve that she’d come. If she jumped off and ran across the hayfield, that wasn’t going to help Joe’s family feel better. She’d best move with caution under their watchful eyes. She clung to the hayrack as the bouncing became worse. Lloyd swung the wagon around for the stop a few minutes later. Verna gathered her dress and jumped down. Slowly she walked across the field. Joe had stopped the team of horses and was waiting for her because he couldn’t leave the team unattended.

  As Verna neared, Joe leaped to the ground and held the team’s lines. His face showed conflicting ripples of sorrow and joy. “Verna!” he whispered.

  “Joe.” She stopped a few feet away. “I had to come and see you.”

  He swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving up and down. “I never dreamed this moment would come, Verna. Your Daett said…said that our relationship was over. Surely he must have told you. And yet you came.”

  “Joe.” She stepped closer to grab his hands. “It’s not right, what’s happening. And it’s not right that we should cut off the beautiful thing that’s happened in our hearts.”

  “Do you know what is being said about me?”

  “Yah, but I don’t believe it. You told me everything important about your rumspringa time. I know you did.”

  Tears shone in his eyes. “You believe me then?”

  “Oh Joe! How could I not believe you?”

  He hung his head. “Believing me is a question for which many in the community are finding a different answer. Many now know what only you, Rosy, and my parents knew.”

  “I told you it doesn’t matter, Joe.”

  He hesitated. “Yah, perhaps it once didn’t. But now it does. And this makes too much sense for many in the community. Especially since I went out of my way to hide my relationship with the Englisha girl.”

  Verna let go of his hands. “Can’t we go on just like before, Joe? Can we let this thing work itself out? It will eventually. Then everyone will see what is the truth.”

  He glanced away. “I’m afraid I can’t put you to that risk, Verna. This testimony of the Englisha girl is a strong thing. And I do have my fingerprints on many of the stolen items.”

  “But, Joe, you have some explanation, don’t you?”

  A sad smile crossed his face. “I do but it doesn’t help much. I was with her. I spent time in her house. That I didn’t know those things were stolen at the time is a small comfort now. Who will believe such a thing?”

  “I will believe, Joe! I always will.”

  A slight smile played on his face. “That’s so sweet of you, Verna. It warms my heart, but it’s what the Englisha law says right now that matters.” The wagon rattled behind them, and Joe glanced that way. “Daett wants this hayfield finished today, Verna. I wish I could speak with you longer, but we have to work.”

  “Then I’ll be seeing you on Sunday night?”

  His face fell. “I can’t, Verna. I can’t even come to the hymn singings until my name is cleared. The shame is too great. And if my name is never cleared…Verna, please…you don’t wish to be associated with me in any way.”

  “Then I will come here on Sunday nights.”

  “Verna!” He grabbed her hand. “You must not. The risk is too great. To you and to your daett.”

  “I will not lose you, Joe.”

  “Verna, dear.” His hand trembled. “I promise you…once this is over and I am cleared, I will be at your place the next Sunday night, and things between us will be like they were before.”

  Verna shook her head. “The hours will be darker than you think, Joe. And your courage will be greatly tempted.”

  “I know, Verna,” he said. “And already I’m missing you so much I don’t know if I’m able to stand it much longer.”

  “Then I must see if I can come.” She wanted to kiss him and lean into his arms for a hug, but his daett drove closer. He hollered at the team of horses to get in line for the hay loading.

  Joe’s eyes spoke his love, Verna told herself as Joe climbed back on the hay rake. He took off and hay flew high into the air. Verna turned and began the wal
k toward the barn. The distance stretched out in front of her. She would need all the time getting back to her buggy to settle her heart and prepare for what lay ahead. Daett would not take kindly to this visit. Yet she had no regrets.

  As Verna passed the wagon, she waved to Lloyd and Joe’s brothers. They lifted their hands in short motions before lowering their heads and bending to their work again.

  “Dear Hah,” Verna whispered toward the heavens, “help us get through this.”

  Twenty-Seven

  The following Sunday Bishop Beiler led the way upstairs to the ministers’ meeting. He tried two doors before he found the ring of chairs in the largest bedroom. After everyone had seated themselves, the bishop nodded and opened with, “Gut morning to all of you. We have a long list of things to go over this morning, so we might as well get started.”

  “Gut morning,” they all mumbled.

  This would not be an easy morning, but Bishop Beiler hadn’t expected the community’s trouble to vanish overnight. And now with his own household’s involvement, the burden had grown even heavier.

  The bishop hung his head and continued. “As you all know, Joe Weaver’s situation has not improved. And now I have the regretful task of informing you that my daughter Verna refuses to cut off contact with him even when I told her the relationship was over. It’s quite plain that the Englisha police have evidence against Joe that will stand up in court. Enough, I am told, to easily convict him. Perhaps Deacon Mast can bring us up to date on that situation.”

  Deacon Mast cleared his throat. “I spoke with Lloyd last night about the matter, and with Joe himself. As we all know, Joe is out on bail. But things are not moving quickly to a trial. Even more so since one of our people are involved. The Englisha police I spoke to on Saturday were quite helpful with information. They feel badly about the matter and don’t want to shame the Amish community worse than they have to. But they also have their duty, which must be performed.”