Falling In Between

by Devon Ashley

  While I was getting ready, Sophie had come in just long enough to slip on her dress. Then she hurried downstairs to meet Jhett early, where they were waiting for me. You couldn’t miss Sophie coming into that room, even with all the girls congregating in spectacular dresses. She wore a fabulous strapless mini dress in a wild print of gorgeous jewel tones, with a long, poufy train in the back that had a bold interior shaded a vibrant teal. So Sophie.

  Their eyes lifted when they saw me coming. Sophie was all giddy and bouncing up and down in her heels, and Jhett remarked, “Wow, Jenna. Not bad for just dressing and going.”

  “Thank you.” I even did a playful twirl for them. What could I say? I loved to watch the dress flutter.

  “God, I love that dress. I really wish you hadn’t seen it first.”

  I laughed and reminded her, “Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll find an occasion to wear it to.”

  “You know I will.”

  Jhett retrieved a plastic bag from the sofa and pulled out a wrist corsage that was a pearl bracelet with nothing but these deep magenta orchids pinned on it. For a second I thought he wanted me to help him put it on Sophie, but she was already wearing its twin on her wrist.

  “I believe even the dateless should have a flower for prom.” I literally think my heart melted a little, and I kissed him on the cheek to thank him.

  “Alright, huddle together because my mother was very specific about taking pictures.” Jhett pulled a small camera from his back pocket and snapped a few shots of us, then Sophie and I were on our way.

  Our prom was held in the ballroom at the most expensive hotel in Rutland and additional decorations practically illuminated a glittery golden hue everywhere you looked. Seriously, it was overkill.

  Sophie spent the first hour dragging me onto the dance floor just so I could embarrass myself with non-existent dance moves. The second hour she gave into my persistent complaints and let us stay at the table for a bit, nibbling on appetizers. We shared the table with a few other girls that came in a group by themselves, and I immediately recognized Marie and Anne as two of them. I guess Anne must have broken up with the guy across the hall from Robert.

  We were all giggling and gossiping over some people in our class when Sophie’s smile dropped, and her attention focused on something over my shoulder.

  “What?” I asked, turning in my seat. I didn’t need an answer, cause I immediately recognized the wallflower leaning against the side wall. My eyes locked onto Robert’s, but neither of us went as far as to smile.

  Jhett, who was finally dressed in his tux, crossed the room towards us. I turned back to Sophie. “Did you know about this?”

  “No.” Her confusion told me she wasn’t lying, and when Jhett got to our table, her glare was deadly. He held his hands up in defense to Sophie, but it was me he leaned down to face. I think he was trying to assess my mood but my nonchalant face wasn’t giving him anything to work with. However, my insides were twisting and knotting from nerves ever since I saw Robert.

  “Alright. This is me poking you because you said you were ready for that. He’s not here to fight with you or even ask why you need to be alone. But it’s his prom too and he doesn’t want to be dateless either. At the very least, you should thank him for the corsage.” He semi-smiled, then guided Sophie away from me. She flashed me a small but encouraging smile as they disappeared into the crowd.

  I turned back to Robert and he was still leaning against the wall watching me. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach – and trying to avoid the stares of the girls that heard Jhett’s words. No doubt I would be the new subject of gossip once I left the table.

  I was a little slow making my way toward him. Besides my feet suddenly feeling like lead weights, I had to dodge and squeeze past a bunch of couples in the way.

  His eyes lit up and a smile slowly grew as I neared – now that he was sure I was aiming for him and not the exit. Now up close, I could tell the accents on his tux matched my dress. My chest actually purred a little when I saw that. If Sophie really did expect Robert to be gone this weekend, she must have let it slip to Jhett the color of my dress – who just scored two points for retaining that type of information.

  “It takes a strong man to wear pink,” I jested quietly.

  He looked down at himself and replied, “It wouldn’t be my first choice in color, but seeing you in that dress definitely makes up for it.”

  Smiling warmly, I asked, “You never actually left this weekend, did you?”

  “No. Jhett just told Sophie I was so you wouldn’t have an excuse to avoid tonight.” His face saddened when he added, “I’m just hoping you’ll be willing to take a time out from your break for the next few hours.”

  I don’t know what made me do it, having been so confused and guilty as of late, but a wave of relief overwhelmed me at the idea of putting off my confusion for a few hours. I stepped in to reach my arms around him and I buried my face into the crook of his neck. His arms quickly secured and locked me in tighter than ever before. I felt his chest expand fully and release a long, soothing breath. We stayed like that for several minutes before a slow song filled the air and he guided me to the dance floor. Again I buried myself within his arms and we gently swayed in circles.

  True to his promise, he didn’t bother me with questions I didn’t wanna answer. For the most part, we remained by ourselves and just quietly held one another through slow songs and fast. I completely surrendered to the comfort of his embrace, and my heart kept fluttering each time he dared to press his lips to my forehead.

  I realized something during the three hours I spent wrapped up within his arms. There was something about the way our bodies pressed into one another, like we were pieces in a puzzle, and his piece was the one that was meant to fit perfectly into mine. And even at the height of my so-called relationship with Chance, the feelings I had for him were nothing like the warmth I felt burning up inside me when I was with Robert.

  So why did my stomach suddenly sour on the drive home when that feeling of euphoria wore off? I was feeling so good in his arms. Was I really still feeling guilty? Why wouldn’t it just freakin’ go away already?!!!

  Robert pulled his car into the parking lot and killed the engine. For a moment, we both just sat there, looking out at nothing in particular, afraid to say anything.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” he quietly asked.

  I bit my lower lip and turned my head to look out the window. As much as I wanted to bury myself into his body and never come back out, the burn that licked my insides told me I still wasn’t ready, that something was still wrong about this.

  I slowly shook my head sideways. To say he was a little irked would be an understatement. “Damn it, Jenna. How long is this going to take? And why can’t you tell me what’s going on?” I groaned weakly and released my neck to the head rest behind me.

  Time-out over.

  “I told you. I’ve just got some things to work out. I promise, I’m gonna figure it out soon.” God, I suck. Like seventh level of hell sucked.

  “Exactly how soon, Jenna? Cause school’s almost over.” And without us staying in adjacent buildings, he’s afraid I’ll bolt for good. “I don’t want you to keep avoiding me.” He reached out, cupped my chin and brushed my cheek with his thumb. I closed my eyes and surrendered the weight of my head to his hand, and the gentle strokes almost soothed the burn within me.

  “I love you,” I heard him say quietly.

  A tear slipped out and trickled down my cheek. The burn roared and I felt more tears build up behind my eyes, and I jumped from the car before they could gush out in front of him. In that moment, I became something I never wanted to become – that prom girl who had an emotional breakdown and ran from the scene crying.

  I wasn’t proud of it. Tears drenched my face and I was grateful to make it all the way back to my room without being seen. I had already allowed myself to love one person and I lost him. It still tore at
my heart.

  But the truth was, I think I loved Robert too. But how could I offer him a heart that wasn’t fully healed and dedicated just to him? I knew Chance was gone, and all that remained was Evan, who had zero memory of me and the love we shared. And though I knew Robert was the better love, I felt guilty that some of my love for Chance still lingered.

  I lay there and cried it out for an hour before exhaustion overcame me and sleep embraced me. When I awoke at ten the next morning, Sophie still hadn’t come back. Unless Robert bailed and left school last night, she and Jhett must have stayed elsewhere. I was still in bed when she got in at four, having napped on and off all day.

  One look at my red, puffy face and Sophie’s smile disintegrated and her face went sour. If she were animated, steam would’ve been blowing from her ears and nose at the moment.

  “Alright, Jenna. Enough’s enough!” She hit my side, motioning for me to move, and sat down on the edge of my bed. “You’ve had a month to deal so now I get to say my bit.”

  I was so tired and numb that I didn’t argue. Or really seem to care for that matter.

  “Now we both know I don’t completely believe in this dream invader crap, but I’m gonna sweep that under the rug for the moment. You put your heart out there for a guy and you got burned. Granted, it’s not the typical way to lose a guy, but you obviously loved him or it wouldn’t be hurting you this much. But in case you’ve forgotten, you’ve got a great guy over in the next building that you haven’t lost…yet.”

  “He did say he loves me,” I mumbled.

  “Of course he loves you! Even a blind idiot could see that! So stop screwing with him, Jenna! You’re seriously pissing me off right now! You’re so absorbed in your misery over losing Chance that you don’t even see how miserable you’re making Robert! The poor guy is stuck in some kind of gut-wrenching limbo with you. And he doesn’t know whether to keep loving you or just let you go. Don’t keep dragging him along if you can’t deal. He’s done nothing to deserve this shit.”

  She released a deep breath of pent up anger, then gently tucked some of my stray hairs behind my ear. “I know you miss him. And I know it hurts. But Chance is gone. There’s no shame in grieving that loss, Jenna. Just don’t let it consume your life with guilt anymore. “And for the love of God, eat something!” She reached into my cubby, grabbed a pop-tart and threw it at me. “If you get any skinnier you won’t fit into my clothes anymore.”

  I smiled and nibbled on the pastry treat just for her benefit, cause I really wasn’t hungry. “Why the hell couldn’t you say that to me a month ago? It made way more sense than what’s been going on in my head all this time.”

  “Yeah, well. Everyone’s entitled to some alone time every once and awhile. Besides, you probably wouldn’t have listened to me a month ago anyway.”

  I finished my snack and apparently fell asleep again, cause when I woke up it was one in the morning. I hadn’t meant to sleep that long. I had wanted to go talk to Robert and lay what I thought was my new problem out on the table for him.

  Truth was, I was afraid to love him.

  Besides a relationship that was basically made up in my dreams, the only person who’d ever made the effort to love me was Sophie. And that was more a sisterly love, and still a little new to me. The kind of love Robert was expecting was romantic, and allowing myself to become vulnerable in that way terrified me.

  Why, you ask? Because if a loss in my dream world could be so devastating, I panicked over what a loss out here would feel like. And I didn’t wanna ever feel that way again.

  Throwing myself out of bed, I decided a long, hot shower was overdue, but it gave me even more time to worry about talking to Robert. And since it was early Monday morning, I wouldn’t be able to see him until at least after school. No way did I wanna endure another day with this mixture of heavy feelings weighing me down.

  I dug out some fresh clothes to sleep in and tried to make myself look passable for a living teenage girl, then I braved the walk to his room.

  I softly knocked on the door, hoping one of them would still be awake to hear it. When no one came, I leaned my ear against the door but heard nothing. Slowly and quietly, I turned the knob and discovered it was unlocked. I pushed it open and stepped inside the dark room.

  My eyes were slowly adapting to the lack of light, so I could just make out the outline of Robert’s bed. I edged my way forward, shuffling my feet along the way, remembering that their room usually had random things laying about. His features became more defined as I knelt down to caress his face – he was relaxed and expressionless. I kinda liked seeing him this way. At least I wasn’t stressing him out when he slept.

  “Robert?” I whispered, and gently massaged my fingertips through his hair. He inhaled a deep breath and rolled his head back and forth before opening his eyes.

  Startled, he whispered harshly, “Jenna?”

  “Yeah. I need to talk to you.”

  He rubbed the back of his head and groaned weakly, but leaned past me to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. Still kneeling, the light shone directly in my eyes and blinded me. I stood and leaned my backside against the table to block it from view. I couldn’t see how Robert was reacting, but I heard his feet swing out of bed and thump on the floor.

  “Jhett, get out.” It didn’t seem like he was awake cause he certainly didn’t react to Robert’s command. “Come on man, I know you’re awake. Go sneak down to Sophie. You don’t really want to be here to hear this, do you?”

  A sleepy groan came from Jhett’s side of the room and a second later his sheets were whipped off the bed. He stumbled groggily across the room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  “If you two make up, stay the hell out of my bed.” He shut the door quietly behind him.

  Robert let out a huge sigh as he crossed the room, sat in his desk chair and spun to face me, giving me this ‘have at it’ look.

  I sighed heavily myself and stretched my neck backwards for a second, trying to release some of the stress and tension the shower didn’t dissolve. “I don’t have a problem with what you said. My problem is saying it back.”

  “That you love me?”

  I nodded my head. The air stung my eyes as tears accumulated behind them. I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry.

  “What you don’t understand, is that for my entire life, I’ve never had anyone. No mother, no brother, no aunt. I don’t even remember the people that actually adopted me the first few years. All I remember was being shuffled around from foster home to group home. I was never close to anyone and I completely withdrew. Sophie was the first person I ever let in. So when you tell me you love me,” I paused to fight hard against the tears determined to burst through, and I willed my voice not to crack, “I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve never had anyone to love before. And no one’s ever loved me.” I couldn’t stop the tears now. I practically choked on them getting out that last sentence. They rushed down my cheeks in a steady stream.

  Robert was suddenly before me, squeezing my face between his hands and pressing his lips hard against mine. His kiss was so passionate it took my breath away. The tension in my muscles began to fade and my body relaxed and molded into his.

  When he finally did pull away, his eyes captivated me even through blurry tears. They reminded me of melted milk chocolate, and the color almost seemed to swirl around his black pupils.

  “Well I love you. And I’m not going to leave you like everyone else did.” With a smile, he added, “So stop fighting me already.”

  My laugh came out as one big puff of air and I wiped my tears away. “I do love you, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know,” he answered, sweeping wisps of hair off my face, “but it’s nice to hear you say it out loud.”

  I’m sure I looked all gooey or melted or something but I didn’t care, and he didn’t seem to either when he held my lips captive once more. His arms wrapped around my back and neck and mine did the same to him. That little fire began t
o heat up inside me and uncontrollable shivers shot down my spine that made my back keep arching. I hadn’t realize how out of breath we both were until we pulled away, gasping to fill our lungs again.

  Something ignited within and I tugged on his shirt absentmindedly, then lifted it over his abs. He caught my drift and pulled it off the rest of the way. His eyes softly gazed into mine as he gingerly fingered the bottom of my shirt. I lifted my arms above my head and he slowly pulled it off. He traced my body with his eyes before he pressed his abdomen flush against mine, and the warmth of his skin made my body melt even more. He began massaging my neck with deep kisses and I found my hands on his shoulders, traveling down the length of his back.

  He lifted me up and lay me down on the bed, and his body hovered above mine, slowly taking in the moment. Then he kissed my lips, my neck and slowly made his way down my body. Blissful spasms rolled down my spine and made my body sway with them. He already had me moaning, but as we progressed through the night they were so loud I had to clench my jaw and muffle them by stuffing his pillow over my mouth.

  Bleh-heh-heh.

  God, I hope his neighbors didn’t hear. And Robert wasn’t any better at being quiet. He seemed to fit me perfectly, and the internal feelings I got from him that night were so much more amazing than the ones I dreamt of all those months. But it wasn’t all sunshine and daisies; there were plenty of moments filled with pain and discomfort. And he thought the red spots on the sheets upset me, but truthfully, I cried cause it reaffirmed that I had saved myself for him all those months, and that the dreams were just that – dreams.