by Kelly, Marie
That was another thing that had me tight as fuck. We were good, so fucking good and she messed all that shit up. Now I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
And here this nigga was telling me that all the shit I had been thinking about her was right all along.
Once upon a time I would have told this nigga to get the fuck away from my door with all his bullshit because that’s just how sure about Kanada I was. Nobody could tell me shit about her but now, I really found myself stuck between what this nigga was saying, the fact Kanada had already betrayed my trust, and the battle between my head and heart.
Just as I was so sure about what we had and how it was worth fighting for, I found myself at a cross road again.
And now this nigga was telling me that she was wanted in Boston too. On top of that, it was all her doing anyway!
What the fuck else could go wrong?
Not knowing what to believe, I let the nigga go and he took a step back.
I watched as he adjusted his collar and then went into his back pocket.
“I see that you’re busy and on your way out. This is where I’m staying. All I want is my son. Give me a call,” He said handing me a piece of paper with his number on, that I slowly took from his hand.
As I looked down at the information, my heart tore in two.
Since the day TJ called me dad I had fallen in love with that little boy; shit even before that! I saw him how I saw KeKe—there was difference between the two in my eyes.
Even after Kanada got arrested, I knew in my heart that no matter what, I had TJ. He was my son. Blood couldn’t make us any closer.
He was also part of the reason why I wanted to fix my relationship with Kanada. I wanted to give him that family that he deserved.
He was my son and knowing his dad didn’t want shit to do with him, made me want it even more. But now I was finding out that that was a lie.
And as much as I wanted to keep TJ, I couldn’t keep him away from a father who obviously wanted him.
I would fuck around and kill a whole town if Brittany ever took KeKe away from me. So how could I do this nigga like that?
Whatever went on with him and Kanada—which was clearly more than I thought—it had nothing to do with TJ.
He obviously loved his son to track him down to my front door.
I allowed my gaze to linger a little longer on the paper; before I looked up at him.
“Nah, I wasn’t going anywhere. Come in.”
Fuck it, she can lie her way out of this one on her own!
A’Moya Morse
As soon as I pushed the front door open, I sighed when I saw that nothing had changed. The lights were still out, and nothing had been moved indicating that Pharaoh still hadn’t been back to his apartment.
Sighing out, I closed and locked the door behind me.
The faint smell of his cologne was another reminder that he hadn’t been back in the two days I had been looking for him.
He left saying he had to help one of his brothers with something and never came back. He wasn’t even answering his messages.
That was so unlike Pharaoh. Even if he was busy, he would text me to tell me. We spoke every single day unless we were together. I had never gone a day without hearing from him and now I was going into my third day.
Another thing that had me worrying and looking for him was knowing that he wasn’t with his brothers. Because less than an hour after he left, all three texted me looking for him because he wasn’t answering his phone.
I texted him all night but he never responded to me.
At first I thought he would go to my apartment or my job but he hadn’t been by those either. I spent the last two days rotating between the three looking for him.
Even while I was at work today, I had hopes that he had gone back home but he hadn’t.
Since it was now late at night, after waiting around at my apartment hoping he would show up there, I headed to his bedroom. I was too tired to go all the way back to my apartment now.
Switching on the light, I further sighed seeing it was untouched too, even though I knew. But I was a little hopeful.
I slowly walked further into his room and then sat on the edge of his bed.
My mind was racing trying to figure out where he was and why he wasn’t responding to my messages.
After sitting and staring into space for a while, I stood to my feet and went into the bathroom to shower.
I cut the water on while I stripped out of my clothes. My mind was heavy with thoughts and emotions that I was trying to control. But as soon as I stepped into the warm shower stream, I let my tears go.
In my heart, I knew why things had changed between us and I was afraid. Afraid that he knew I was lying and afraid of how things were going to be now.
Lying to Pharaoh was something I never thought about doing or ever needed to do, but I found myself in a position that I had no choice but to. And I knew in my heart, that he knew.
I should have avoided him instead.
That did cross my mind too, but I thought I would just draw more attention to myself because we were always together but now seeing that my other plan didn’t work, I was wishing I did that instead.
Pharaoh knew that I was close with my sisters, so I could have just told him that I was with them.
My tears continued to fall while I washed my body off and then I climbed out.
I wrapped a towel around my body and wiped a hand across the steamy mirror. When my eyes landed on my face, more tears poured out because I knew that things between me and Pharaoh was never going to be the same again.
He may not have known what I was lying about, but from the changes in him, I knew he was aware that I was.
Through my sobs, I managed to brush my teeth and then I left the bathroom.
I almost jumped out of my skin when I stepped into the room to see Pharaoh sitting on his bed just staring at me. His eyes were red and low letting me know that he was high. But I could also smell the weed coming from his clothes.
He just sat there staring at me—eyes trying to see through me—to see my lie that I was trying so hard to conceal.
It was a lie that I was never going to reveal to him because I knew it would change everything. Yet, from his eyes I knew that he caught on that something wasn’t right.
“I’ve been looking for you, for two days.” I finally broke the awkward staring match and then I swallowed the lump in my throat.
His hazel, red tinted eyes stayed focused on my face that was warming up under his scrutinizing gaze. The heat from my face transferred to my body and I began to fidget.
“Why?” He spoke back while signing and I frowned.
“Why what?”
Pharaoh had been doing so good in his class that now he signed while talking to me.
“Why were you looking for me, A’Moya? In fact, why are you with me? Why do you care when you clearly haven’t overlooked my past?” He signed as he spoke.
His words hit me and confused me at the same time.
“Wait, what? Of course I have, Pharaoh!”
I may have been keeping a secret from him but I wasn’t lying when I told him that I didn’t care about his past. Pharaoh was only a child who was forced to do the unthinkable. How could I blame him for that?
I would never because it wasn’t his fault, and I made sure to let him know that every chance I got. But now he thought it was all a lie because of the lie I was keeping.
Pharaoh slowly stood to his feet and walked over to me. His cologne mixed with weed, swirled up my nose as his eyes stared deeply into mine.
Sweat formed on my forehead.
“If that was true, you wouldn’t be killing my baby, A’Moya,” He said and I gasped.
This whole time I thought he had no idea. The reason why I was refusing sex with him was because I had heard that a man could feel the difference and I didn’t want him to.
It crossed my mind that he probably believed I cheated on him and I knew
that I would have to deal with that because I could never tell him the truth. He threw me off when he thought it was due to me not overlooking what he had done all those years ago, however, I didn’t know he knew I was pregnant!
If anything, I thought that would have been the last thing he thought.
“You haven’t looked past my faults otherwise you wouldn’t be doing what you are. You think I don’t know your body? When your period is on? I know you and your body A’Moya.”
My words were caught up in my throat as my eyes stayed glued to his lips and hand movements.
“I also know that I didn’t use a condom that night I told you about my mom. Was I trying to get you pregnant, no but I also didn’t try to stop it. So, I know that you are.”
After Pharaoh told me about his mother, I went on birth control, but I guess it was too late by then. Before that, we used condoms religiously, so my pregnancy came as a surprise to me—a very scary one. So much had happened between us, I didn’t even remember that he hadn’t used a condom that night.
He had just revealed something so deep, a condom was the last thing on my mind and evidently on his too, because he always made sure to wear one.
“It’s not like that, Pharaoh,” I said, and he shook his head at me.
“What is it like then? You don’t want to have my baby because you don’t want to be stuck with a monster like me.” He signed and spoke.
His eyes watered, and I felt his pain but my anger took over because he should have known me enough to know that wasn’t what I thought about him.
“Stop saying that! I told you already that I didn’t see you like that. Plus, are you not the one who said that he didn’t want kids?”
“When I was in the streets, I didn’t mean you. I love you A’Moya and I want you to have my baby but I won’t force you or force you to be with me when you don’t really want to.”
Again, I gasped from the words that left his mouth along with him signing it out to me.
He went to walk away from me, but I gripped his arm and pulled him back.
“It’s not like that!” I yelled at him.
“It’s okay A’Moya. I will let you go.”
Tears flooded my face.
“Pharaoh.” I called his name with my voice laced in desperation.
I knew things would change between us, I just didn’t think he would end it with me when his reasoning was wrong.
A part of me wanted to have an abortion because when I met Pharaoh he expressed heavily that he didn’t want kids, so I thought that he would have been mad to know that I was but that wasn’t the only reason why I didn’t want us to have this baby. But his past definitely wasn’t a reason.
“I’m afraid!” I finally allowed my fear out and he turned to look at me.
“Afraid that the baby will turn out like me!” He yelled back at me and I shook my head no.
“No! I’m scared because what if I don’t hear my baby crying?”
I couldn’t hold in my tears anymore and I broke down.
“What if my child is hurt and needs me but I don’t hear them? Or what if they’re born with the same issues and lose their hearing because of me?”
Pharaoh pulled me into his arms and I cried into his chest.
As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I cried because although I would have loved to be a mother, I knew being deaf would prevent me from being the mother I wanted to be.
Visions of me not hearing my child who was hurt clouded my mind and it was that fear that was driving me to get an abortion. Not Pharaoh and it hurt more that he believed that.
He kept saying that he was flawed but I was the flawed one!
His strong arms cradled my body into his as his hand soothingly rubbed my back.
It took me a few minutes to bring my tears under control and then I stepped back from him. He cupped my chin with a hand and lifted my head so that our eyes were locked on each other.
“I love you A’Moya and I’m never going to leave you baby. You will never be alone, I will always be there for you, do you understand me? Always,” He said and it made more tears fall from my eyes which he quickly leaned forward and kissed away.
“You have me, A’Moya. Trust in me.”
“I do trust you, it’s myself I have doubts in.” I answered and he smiled at me.
“Our baby is so blessed because you are their mother. You are perfect, A’Moya, believe me.”
That made me smile and then he pecked my lips.
As he pulled me back into his arms, a feeling of everything will be fine washed over me. Something about being in his arms let me know that with him by my side, I could face anything.
Including motherhood!
I lifted my head to look at him.
“We gon’ be good. Okay?” He asked and then placed a hand on my stomach.
With a smile I nodded my head.
“I know.”
He kissed my lips again and then dropped to his knees to kiss my stomach too. I smiled as I rubbed a hand through his waves.
I guess I was going to be a mother!
The thought alone was scary but knowing I had Pharaoh in my corner had me ready to take it on and the world.
Pharaoh spoke to my stomach. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I could feel his warm breath on my stomach, since he had opened my towel. I giggled.
A few seconds later, he stood to his feet and looked down at me.
“I have to tell you something,” He said and my heart sped up. “For those two days, I was at Gena’s apartment.”
My stomach started to turn because I knew who Gena was. He told me who she was. So I knew all about their history.
Tears stung at my eyes.
“I didn’t sleep with her, I promise you.” He quickly added when I stepped back from him.
“You didn’t?” I asked, and he shook his head no.
“I’m so in love with you that I couldn’t do it. She did try but I didn’t. I just wanted you to know the truth.”
I stood looking at him for a few seconds before I closed the gap between us and hugged around his torso.
God had sent a good man into my life and now I was about to be a mother to his baby. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
“I love you, Pharaoh.” I spoke to his chest.
He tapped my shoulder and I looked up at him.
“I love you too… both of you.” His hand was on my stomach again and I smiled knowing we were going to be okay!
Kanada Alton
“Kanada Alton!” An officer called out and I jumped up to my feet. “You are free to go!”
I had been sitting in a holding cell in Central Booking for thirty plus hours. Prior to that I was taken to a precinct and processed.
They decided not to give me a Desk Appearance Ticket because I wasn’t from New York and they thought I was going to flee the State.
The only information they gave me was that I would have to wait the whole weekend before I saw a judge.
I was facing two felonies and one misdemeanour, and I had never been so scared in my life but now knowing it was finally over, had tears ready to fall.
The officer opened the door and I couldn’t get out quick enough. I missed my son, Alvaro and Ma.
I was eager to see them all. Being here this long wasn’t something I envisioned but I was glad to be out.
It took them awhile to process me out and when an officer escorted me out, I was damn near running.
The first person I saw was Ma and I ran into her arms.
I cried as I held on to her. It was the worst experience of my life and I thought that I was never going to get out.
Ma held on to me and rubbed my back.
“It’s okay baby.” She soothed me with her soft voice and I simply nodded.
“Miss Alton, I am David. I was hired on your behalf by Mr. Ramsey.” A voice called out to me and I looked up to see a tall, dark skinned man with a low Caesar cut, glasses and a neatly trimmed full beard looking at m
e.
I was so focused on Ma’s face that I failed to notice this man was standing beside her.
Ma and I pulled apart and I reached out to shake his hand.
“Where is TJ? And where is Alvaro?” I called out when I looked around and noticed that both of them weren’t there.
Maybe he’s waiting outside for me. I thought but that was shattered when Ma shook her head.
“They’re not here baby.”
My face probably said it all because I was heartbroken that Alvaro didn’t come to get me himself.
I thought it was broken when I saw the look in his eyes as he watched me getting arrested. It was the lowest time of my life. Not even getting kicked out by Terrence had me feeling as low as I did then.
I just knew that Alvaro was done with me—especially because I was arrested over twenty-four hours ago and he never came like he said he would—but when that officer told me I was free to go, I just thought I was wrong and Alvaro changed his mind about me.
But seeing he only got me out and didn’t even come to see me, I knew that he was done with me.
My heart literally broke.
“Um, let’s get you home.” Ma said breaking the awkward silence that surrounded us. I knew it was because neither Ma or David knew what to say to me.
“Sure.” I whispered with a nod of my head and followed them out of the building.
I don’t know why I still looked around when I walked outside, when I knew that he wasn’t there. But the hope I held in my heart for us, betrayed me.
Ma led us to her car and we all climbed in without a word. The driver pulled away from the building and although I should have been happy that I no longer had to stay in that hell on earth, I was far from happy knowing Alvaro wanted nothing to do with me.
The ride to the house was quiet and tense. I kept my eyes on the road outside of the window which was the only thing keeping me from breaking down.
When we pulled up to the house, I sighed when I didn’t see Alvaro’s car outside.
He didn’t even want to be home when I arrived. I thought.
Ma looked over at me and I could see that she was sorry for me in her eyes. But she had nothing to feel sorry for, I did this!