She Never Knew

by CJ Simpson

  Pastor Cullen said slowly, “That must have been a very difficult time for you.”

  “I think I was in shock or something. I felt numb for a long time but managed to keep going for the sake of the baby.” She smiled at Pastor Cullen. “I love Tyler so much that I can’t imagine my life without him.”

  Pastor Cullen digested Kat’s words as he sat in his chair. With a deep breath, he leaned forward to take Kat’s hands into his own. “No matter what happened to you and no matter how long the healing process takes, always remember God is your Redeemer.” He closed his eyes and recited, “Psalm 147:3 tells us, ‘He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.’” He opened his eyes and released Kat’s hands. “What this means is that God will help you make the broken things whole again. He is in a position to redeem you.”

  Kat listened to his words thoughtfully. “Isn’t the book of Psalms about those who have suffered at the hands of others?” she asked.

  “Yes. As individuals, we can share our feelings with God, both positive and negative. We can be assured that He will listen to us and understand us. One of the things we can do when finding God in our struggles is to face what has happened to us as part of the recovery process.” Pastor Cullen paused, letting his words sink in. “Have you talked to anyone else about this, Kat?”

  “Not many. Rhonda and Robert know. The doctor who treated me made me a referral to see a counselor, but I never went.” Kat admitted.

  The pastor nodded in understanding. “How have you been able to deal with your ordeal on your own?”

  “It hasn’t been easy. It still isn’t. I mean, of course, I ask myself why this happened to me. Why did my parents have to die? I don’t know which is worse, their deaths or the fact that the man who raped me was never caught. He—he’s still out there, somewhere.” Kat’s expression revealed a hint of fear.

  “It’s okay, take your time.” Pastor Cullen soothed. “You are safe here.”

  “I lived in Charltonville when all of this happened. I was recovering in the hospital for three days and when I was released, I knew I could never stay in my apartment ever again.” Kat paused to take a sip of her water.

  “It took me two days to pack up all of my belongings. I stayed in a hotel because I was afraid that monster would come back and possibly kill me.”

  “Did you have a friend with you to help you through this?” the pastor inquired.

  “No. All I could think about was getting my things out of there and getting as far away as possible. Michael and I had planned on living out here after we got married. We visited the area several times and liked it so much that we decided we would make Lakesboro our permanent home. All we had to do was wait until I completed my studies and fulfilled my contract at work.”

  “We had put down both of our names on the lease agreement on the house I live in now. The owner had some repairs she wanted to make so that the house would be ready for us to move in. When I finished my schoolwork, Michael and I flew to Millstone, Arizona for my graduation ceremony. My parents had flown in from New York to attend as well. After we celebrated with a nice dinner, Michael and I went to visit the Grand Canyon. That’s when he proposed.” Kat stared lovingly at the ring on her finger. “Ever since then, I’ve never taken it off.” She held her hand up proudly.

  “My parents’ flight home was due to return one day earlier than our flight, so Michael drove them to the airport. I stayed back at the hotel because I had twisted my ankle earlier that morning.

  Pastor Cullen leaned back in his chair with one hand over his mouth. As he stroked his chin, Kat could see that his expression demonstrated a realization of what fate had in store for her.

  “Anyway, after about two hours had passed, I started becoming concerned. I called Michael’s cell phone, but he didn’t answer. I called the airport, asking if anyone had seen my parents or Michael. When they told me my parents had not checked in, I knew something was terribly wrong.”

  “I called the police and explained that my fiancé was bringing my parents to the airport and that maybe they had car trouble. They transferred me to Highway Patrol and I had to repeat my concerns to them. I had given them my parents’ names and Michael’s name, as well as let them know what hotel I was staying at.”

  “About an hour later, there was a knock on my hotel room door. Thinking it was Michael returning, I yanked it open. It was a state trooper and the look on his face said it all.” Kat reached for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.

  “I knew right then and there something horrible had happened. The trooper explained that there had been a head-on collision on the highway and that there were no survivors. He was able to identify Michael as the driver by comparing his driver’s license with the information I had given to him over the phone.”

  “He was also able to determine that it was my parents in the car as well. He said they all died on impact and that nobody suffered.”

  Kat sat there, frozen for a moment. It was obvious to Pastor Cullen that she was transported back in time as she recounted the horrific events of that fateful day.

  “It was the best and worst time of my life,” she said sadly.

  By this time, tears had welled up in Pastor Cullen’s eyes. He continued to remain silent, listening carefully to Kat’s words.

  “I had to call my sister that night and tell her. After the initial shock of making funeral arrangements wore off, she let me have it one day. She berated me for dragging my parents all the way across the country. She blamed me for their deaths. We haven’t spoken in six years.”

  Kat dropped her shoulders, buried her head into her hands, and began to cry.

  It was rare when Pastor Cullen was at a loss for words. He handed Kat another tissue and sat quietly with her, feeling powerless to help her.

  Kat raised her head and found her voice again. “It was a month later when I was attacked. As you can imagine, I felt very alone, especially since my sister and I are not on speaking terms.” Kat paused to take a drink. “She doesn’t know what happened, nor does she know that she has a nephew.”

  Pastor Cullen looked at Kat with renewed admiration. He said, “Kat, I want you to know something. First, I want to thank you for being here today. I’m honored you chose to discuss your concerns with me. You have to know how strong you really are.”

  “Sometimes I don’t feel very strong,” she muttered, drinking more water.

  The pastor smiled. “I think we all feel that way sometimes. But eventually we get to a point where we must face what happened as well as face our own reactions to what happened. When something overwhelms you, you tend to feel weak and powerless. Somehow, you need to feel your actual pain to be able to deal with what happened.” He motioned toward his stomach with both hands. “Don’t be afraid to tell God about your anguish. You are not alone here.” He fisted his hands for effect. “Invite Him into your struggle with you as the Psalmist does: ‘My heart is in anguish within me’ but you must be willing to dig deep into your own reactions.”

  Kat stared at him, wide-eyed. “How on earth do you know all of this?” She reached for another tissue and blew her nose.

  “Years and years of seminary school.” Pastor Cullen smiled. “No, seriously, I have had my own demons in the past that I needed to face. It wasn’t easy, but with God’s help, I became free. It is very important for you to understand that you are not alone.”

  Suddenly, Kat felt as though a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Her heart felt lighter and for the first time in a long time, she felt hope for her future.

  “Pastor, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me already.” Kat said earnestly. “I was torn about what direction I needed to take and I’m glad I came here.”

  “Well, I’m very glad I could help, although I really didn’t do much.” Pastor Cullen smiled. “Have you thought about making contact with your sister?”

  “Yes. Now that we’ve had this conversation, I think I will get in touch with her. Her name is Mary.” Ka
t paused for a moment, deep in thought. “So much has happened that I’ve put her in the back of my mind. I just forced myself to get on with life, as if I didn’t have a choice. But the more I think about her, the more I realize how much I need her in my life.” She sniffled.

  “I think making contact will be very therapeutic for the both of you,” the pastor agreed. “Together, you can heal as a family.”

  “That brings up the main reason why I wanted to talk to you today.” Kat revealed.

  “Oh?”

  “One of the things I wanted your guidance on was Tyler. He’s been asking questions about his biological father. I told him that Michael was his father for obvious reasons. I hate lying to him, but I don’t know how else I can explain why his father isn’t around, especially since he’s only five years old.”

  Pastor Cullen pondered this for a moment and shook his head. “This is a hard one. We know God does not condone deceit. However, your intentions are pure, that is, to spare Tyler of a pain he may not fully understand at his young age. You may one day decide to tell him the truth about his biological father when he is older. If you tell him now, he could very well blame himself, similar to the way young kids blame themselves when their parents divorce. The maturity is not quite developed yet. Do you see what I’m saying here?”

  Kat nodded. “You make perfect sense.”

  “No matter what you decide to do, it won’t be easy.” Pastor Cullen cautioned.

  “I know.” Kat agreed. “I have a lot to think about here.”

  Pastor Cullen paused for a moment before getting up from his chair. He walked around to the front of his desk, opened a drawer, removed a business card, and handed it to Kat.

  “This is the name and number of a psychologist who specializes in situations where there are multiple traumas involved. One day, when you are ready, you may wish to give her a call.”

  Kat accepted the card and nodded her head. “I may need this sooner than later,” she said.

  “Remember, God is always on your side,” Pastor Cullen reminded. “Always have faith. When you’re feeling out of sorts, remember what I said. Invite God into your life and share your struggles with Him. You might be surprised at how He can help you.”

  “Thank you.” Kat looked at her pastor gratefully. “I don’t know why I didn’t come to you sooner.”

  “It may not have been the right time until now. I have a feeling that the Lord had something to do with you coming here.” Pastor Cullen’s eyes twinkled. “He may have spoken to you in your heart.”

  “All right, then. I will definitely think about what you’ve told me.” Kat smiled. “Now, I need to run. I’m supposed to meet up with the ladies from the Crafts group this afternoon so we’ll be ready for next week’s bible school.”

  “Ah, yes. It’s that time again, isn’t it?” Pastor Cullen said. “I know all of our volunteers are looking forward to it.”

  “Okay, then.” Kat stood up from her chair. Pastor Cullen got up as well and walked Kat to the main entrance.

  “Stay strong, okay? I’m here for you.” Pastor Cullen encouraged. He held Kat’s hands briefly before saying good bye.

  When Kat drove away, Pastor Cullen returned to his office and swiveled in his chair for a long time, stunned by what Kat had confided to him. He reflected on her amazing ability to remain strong and courageous, especially where her child was concerned. She had been through so much yet she was always willing to help others.

  Finally, Pastor Cullen turned off his computer, straightened the papers on his desk, and decided to call it a day. He needed to go to the sanctuary to pray for Kat before he headed home.

  Chapter 9

  Kat looked at the clock in her kitchen. She had one hour before she and Tyler had to be at vacation bible school. Tonight was the first night and she was excited. “Tyler, dinner’s ready,” she called.

  “Okay, Mommy.” Tyler yelled from his room.

  Kat had just finished setting her kitchen table with silverware when her cell phone rang. She crossed the kitchen to where her phone lay in the charger. The caller ID revealed that it was Dottie from the Black Belt Academy calling.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  “Kat? Dottie Rodriguez.”

  “Hi Dottie, how are you?”

  “Just dandy. Listen up,” she boomed. “I’ve got a big group signed up for the self-defense class. I’m just calling to see if you can make it tomorrow morning. Saturday’s out. I can’t get anybody to cover for me at my other job and I’ve got other commitments for the rest of this month.”

  “Wow. Uh—I guess I—actually, I can make it.”

  Dottie said, “It’ll be from ten to twelve. I’m sorry about the short notice, but this works for the other ladies.”

  “Not a problem. It works for me too.” Mentally, she reminded herself to call Rhonda to see if she would be available to watch Tyler.

  “Good deal. You can pay when you get here, okay?” She paused for a moment as if she remembered she had something else to add. “Oh, and wear loose fitting clothes, like a tee shirt and sweatpants.”

  “Okay, will do.” Kat promised.

  “And another thing. I won’t be teaching the Tiny Tigers class this week as we’re short staffed at my other job, but Mr. Henley will be there, okay?”

  “Oh, that reminds me! Tyler has vacation bible school this week. So does Eli. The boys won’t be in class this week.” Kat said.

  “No problem. You got any questions, give me a call. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  As Kat replaced the phone into the charger, Tyler came bounding into the kitchen. “Who was on the phone, Mommy?”

  “That was Miss Dottie.” She answered.

  “Oh. What did she say?”

  “She called to tell me about a class for mommies.”

  “A class for mommies?” Tyler giggled. “That’s silly!”

  Kat tousled Tyler’s hair and motioned for him to take his seat at the dinner table. When they were both seated, Kat decided she would try something new. She took Tyler’s hand into her own and told him to close his eyes.

  “Dear God, thank you for this food that we are about to eat tonight. Thank you for the loving people we have in our lives. Thank you for the all of the children we will see tonight and thank you for giving me such a wonderful little boy. Amen.”

  Tyler looked at his mother. “Why did you do that, Mommy?”

  “I thought it would be nice to thank God for everything we have.”

  “That’s a good idea, Mommy.” Tyler smiled at her. Kat looked at her handsome little boy and was reminded again of how lucky she was to have him in her life.

  After they finished eating, Tyler helped Kat clear the table. When he went off to brush his teeth, Kat did the same and changed her clothes. All team leaders and their helpers were given themed t-shirts at orientation to wear to class during the week. The vacation bible school theme this year was The Big Apple Adventure, ‘Where Faith and Life Connect’.

  Is it coincidence, she wondered, that perhaps I will dig deeper into my faith this week as I face the past events of my life? As she tied the laces of her sneakers, Tyler sprinted into her room.

  “I’m ready to go, Mommy!” he piped.

  “Me too!” Kat said. She stepped into her closet to retrieve a light sweater that she sometimes used when she felt chilled. When she emerged a moment later, she said to Tyler, “Let’s go on an adventure!”

  When Kat and Tyler arrived at Piney Grove Baptist Church, there were parents and volunteers milling around, exchanging pleasantries. An air of excitement could be felt among the people. When Tyler got out of the car, he spied his Sunday school teacher standing in the parking lot next to her car. He ran up to her and threw his arms around her waist.

  “Well, hello there, you two!” Blair laughed as Kat smiled at her. Blair looked down at Tyler and lightly pinched his nose.

  “Can we go to our classroom now?” Tyl
er piped, jumping up and down.

  “Soon, very soon.” Blair replied. In her early 60s, Blair Campbell was a striking woman, with stylish blond hair and blue eyes. She had lost her husband to cardiac arrest the year before and being around children had helped her to cope with her loss. Blair was one of the most unselfish women Kat ever met. She was blessed to have her as her son’s teacher.

  “How are you, Kat?” Blair asked.

  “I am just fine. How about you?”

  “Marvelous.” She drawled, pretending to fluff her hair that made Kat laugh. “I’ll go ahead and take Tyler with me so you can get your classroom ready. That okay with you?”

  “That’s perfect.” Kat answered. She turned toward Tyler and bent down to give him a bear hug. “Be good for Miss Blair, okay?”

  “I will, Mommy.” Tyler gave her a hug in return. Kat made her way through the crowd of people to the Fellowship Hall entrance.

  Once inside, she observed the boisterous activity taking place. Parents and children walked around, admiring the decorations of The Big Apple Adventure theme. On one wall, there were cardboard cutouts of street signs, indicating what direction students needed to take to find their classrooms. Adjacent to the wall was a registration table with a backdrop scene of the New York Harbor.

  Kat waved to the volunteers manning the table as she walked around the opposite side of the room, where ‘Midtown Snacks’ was located. The kitchen had been transformed to resemble Midtown and Kat could hear excited chatter as she approached. She picked up her pace and was almost at the Dutch door to greet her fellow parishioners when she collided hard into someone.

  Kat was about to lose her balance when she felt a pair of strong arms grip her shoulders, steadying her on her feet. When she stepped back and looked up at the man standing before her, she gasped in horror. For a fleeting moment, she had a flashback of the night she was attacked.

  “I—I’m sorry.” The man’s jaw fell when he saw her expression. He held up his hands in apology and stared disbelievingly at Kat as though he recognized her from somewhere.