Clarissa's Choice

by MS Weinman

  “Bs aren’t bad. Some people are very happy with Bs,” Michelle said. She handed Clarissa a yearbook that was making its way around the circle of girls. The center-quad grass felt scratchy against Clarissa’s outstretched legs.

  Taking the yearbook, Clarissa opened it and started penning a generic “Have a great summer. See you at the beach …” She glanced sideways at Michelle. “Bs won’t get me into Berkeley. I should have studied harder. I finally have a boyfriend, but I am flaking on everything else. How do I do it all?” Clarissa closed the yearbook and passed it on.

  “Maybe you should listen to what your mother says.”

  “Huh?”

  “Your mom is right.” Michelle cleared her throat and spoke in her best Momma T. voice, “Ladies, the boys can’t respect you unless you respect yourself. All decisions must be made with self-love. Remember, you must value yourself.”

  Clarissa opened another yearbook. She studied her own face, staring at herself from the swim team photo.

  “I’ve been there, Clarissa. I gave up everything for Rick, and he treated me like shit. I feel a lot better about myself now. I’m taking care of me. And truthfully, I think the guys like me better too.”

  “And what if they don’t?”

  “Screw ’em.”

  Clarissa stared at Michelle, eyebrows raised.

  Michelle quickly added, “Figuratively speaking, of course.”

  August 5

  I feel like Tony and I have become “buddies with benefits.” We hardly spend any time alone anymore. It’s always Tony, Rob, Adam, and me. Thank God that Adam is still after Michelle. At least she hangs out with us sometimes too. If it weren’t for the sex, I would be one of the boys. I want Tony to want to spend time with just me. I want us to do fun things together. I want him to make me feel special again.

  The cloudless black sky displayed the pinpoint lights of the stars and a sliver moon. Parked on the cliff above the ocean, Clarissa and Michelle drank Asti Spumante out of plastic cups.

  “I’m glad Tony wanted to be with the boys tonight. I don’t get to be alone with you much anymore,” Michelle said. She held up her glass to toast. “To the girls.”

  “To the girls,” Clarissa repeated in a cheerful voice. Deep down, though, she was anxious. Tony had seemed distant to her lately. She had asked him if anything was wrong. He said no. Still, she couldn’t help but feel something was going on.

  “Do you want to go to the party on Larkspur?” Michelle asked. “Pretty much everyone is going.”

  Clarissa drained her cup. “Why not?”

  Groups of teenagers were hanging out by cars parked on the street in front of a white colonial house. Clarissa and Michelle walked up the brick steps and through the black door, running directly into Rob and Adam.

  “Oh, good. Beautiful, girls,” Adam said, putting an arm around Michelle’s shoulder.

  “Hey, guys,” Clarissa said. “Where’s Tony?”

  Rob glanced around the crowded living room. “No clue.”

  “I’ll go look for him,” Clarissa said.

  Rob grabbed her hand as she started walking away. “Oh … Don’t do that … Let’s go out to my car. It’s so crowded in here.”

  “You guys go ahead. After I find Tony, we’ll come out,” Clarissa said, and she disappeared into the crowd.

  With no sign of Tony inside the house, Clarissa weaved her way into the backyard. The outside was dimly lit by tiki torches and the pool’s underwater light. The landscape was dotted with couples standing close together. Not expecting to find Tony among the intimate pairs, Clarissa turned back toward the house. Suddenly, she froze in place like a victim of Medusa’s stare, recognizing the broad shoulders, disheveled hair, and the hand resting gently on the blonde girl’s cheek as they kissed. She felt the sudden urge to throw up. She wanted to confront him, to slap him across the face, and to drown the blonde. Instead, she ran. Through the house and across the front lawn, she raced straight to Michelle.

  “Let’s go,” she said, half panting, half crying.

  “What’s up?” Michelle asked. But as she turned to face her friend, she knew.

  “I need to go now!” Tears fell onto Clarissa’s cheeks.

  Giving a weak wave to Rob and Adam, Michelle wrapped her arm around Clarissa and took her to the car.

  Music blared, and a fire crackled in a pit a short distance from where Clarissa sat watching the sun disappear below the horizon. She glanced over her shoulder to see all her friends laughing and enjoying the party, but she just couldn’t get herself to join them.

  It had been one full week since she saw Tony kissing the blonde, a full week that he hadn’t called or come by or even tried to offer an explanation. Rob and Adam saw her crying. She knew they had told Tony. She wanted to call and confront him, but she felt too much like trash left by the curbside.

  Mesmerized by the sun sinking below the water, Clarissa jumped when Jay sat down next to her. “Hi, beautiful.”

  Clarissa hugged her knees. “Hi, handsome.”

  They sat side by side for a while as the sky became an inky blue and the first stars appeared overhead. Then, without saying a word, Jay reached over, turned Clarissa’s face toward his, and gently yet very purposefully kissed her lips. With their faces still close together after their lips parted, Jay smiled and said, “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to do that.”

  Phrases floated above them like moths dancing in the lamplit darkness. What about our friendship? We’ll always be friends. What about Tony? He didn’t appreciate what he had. Do you? But they did not speak.

  Jay stood up and grabbed Clarissa’s hands. He pulled her up out of the sand and into his arms.

  “Walk with me?” he asked.

  Clarissa said, “A walk with you might be exactly the right choice.”

  Chapter 9

  They sat on a weatherworn wooden bench. The ice plant–covered cliff dropped off abruptly a few feet in front of them. Below, the ocean looked like a piece of blue-gray silk hemmed with white lace trim. Tony held Clarissa’s hand in his left hand and played with her fingers with his right. Clarissa stared at the horizon.

  “Thanks for giving me a night to think about it,” Clarissa said.

  “No problem.” Tony squeezed her hand.

  Clarissa felt nauseated. She watched the waves for a moment before turning toward Tony.

  “I think it will be fun to get a room with Michelle and Adam and have a party …,” she said, her words trailing off into the distance like a path through the woods.

  Tony examined their hands. “But …”

  “Oh god, Tony, please don’t be mad. It’s just that this is a huge decision for me. I want it to be right, and for some reason, it’s just not. It isn’t you. Believe me, I want to. Just not yet.” Clarissa leaned forward to search Tony’s eyes with her own. “Don’t hate me.”

  Placing a finger under Clarissa’s chin, Tony kissed her lips. “I don’t hate you. Just the opposite, in fact. And I want you so badly I can hardly stand it.”

  Clarissa kissed him back. “Me too. Just not at the prom, OK?”

  “OK. But I’m not going to stop trying,” he said, enclosing her in his arms.

  Tony was lifting the lid of the electric frying pan just as Clarissa’s mom entered the kitchen. “Tony Brooks! Get your grubby mitts out of my German potato salad!” she exclaimed in false indignation.

  Quickly, Tony scooped some potato salad into his mouth and replaced the lid. With his mouth full, he said, “Sorry, Momma T. But Clarissa is making me study again. And you know how hungry that makes me.”

  “Sit down and get back to work then,” Clarissa’s mom said as she swatted Tony on the butt with a dish towel.

  Sitting down next to Clarissa, Tony placed both elbows on the table, both cheeks on his fists, and stared unwaveringly at his US government b
ook. Clarissa’s mom poured herself a cup of coffee. On her way out of the kitchen, she patted Tony on the head. “Good boy.”

  After reading a page, Tony laid his head on Clarissa’s shoulder. “Your mom rocks.”

  Clarissa put her hand on Tony’s thigh. “Your mom does too.”

  “I suppose. She sure adores you. Jeez, you get me to look at my books. My grades are better since I met you. What’s not to love?”

  Tony began kissing Clarissa’s neck. He laced his fingers in her hair. She moved her hand down his thigh and pinched both sides of his knee, causing him to jump out of his seat. “Get back to work.”

  After making an exaggerated pouty lip, Tony went back to reading his government text.

  Clarissa patted his head. “Good boy.”

  May 24

  Tony is wonderful. I adore him. Today he came to my swim meet. He held my towel, kissed me, and told me “Good swim.”

  But he really wasn’t kidding when he said he was going to keep pushing for sex. So far, he’s been cool when I’ve told him to stop. Maybe I’ll feel ready when we’ve been together longer. I just don’t want to rush and feel like I made a mistake.

  The tip of the driver’s cigarette glowed as he leaned against the white limo. A full moon cast long shadows on the sand. Four pairs of dress shoes were heaped in a pile next to the swing set. Tony and Adam pushed; Clarissa and Michelle giggled as they swayed back and forth.

  Tony stopped pushing, allowing Clarissa’s swing to slow. Then he grabbed the chains and halted the swing’s motion. Leaning forward, he whispered into Clarissa’s ear, “Let’s go see how cold the water is.”

  Hand in hand, they ambled toward the ocean, leaving Michelle and Adam at the swing set. Stopping shy of the water’s edge, Tony said, “I have something for you.” He reached into his pocket and concealed something between his hands.

  “What is it?” Clarissa asked, trying to peel his fingers apart.

  Separating his hands, Tony revealed a small velvet box. Clarissa rubbed her palms against her gown. He reached for her wrist, turned her hand skyward, and placed the box in her grasp. “Open it.”

  Clarissa creaked open the lid and exposed a delicate emerald ring. Taking a deep breath, she asked, “What is this for?”

  Withdrawing the ring from the box, Tony slid it on the third finger of Clarissa’s left hand. “I wanted you to know that I love you and also how much I respect you. You were really up-front and honest with me about the whole hotel-room thing. Although I would be pretty happy to be naked with you in a bed at the Hilton right now, I appreciate that you told me how you feel and you didn’t lead me on.”

  Placing her left hand on the lapel of Tony’s tuxedo jacket, Clarissa admired the ring. She gazed into Tony’s rich brown eyes. Good choice.

  With a kiss, she tried to convey to Tony how much she loved him. Then, she broke away abruptly. “Can I go show my ring to Michelle?”

  Tony caressed her cheek with his thumb and grinned. “Yes, you can show Michelle.”

  Her left hand outstretched, like she was shining a flashlight to illuminate an unexplored path, Clarissa raced up the beach.

  Chapter 10

  Tony closed the hotel-room door behind Michelle and Adam. “Alone at last,” he said, turning back toward Clarissa. “More champagne?” He took the open bottle out of the silver bucket and poured the remaining contents into Clarissa’s glass.

  She brought her glass to her lips and took a sip. She and Michelle had started drinking champagne before the boys had arrived. It seemed like there was a steady stream of alcohol all night. Standing with the back of her legs against the bed to support her, Clarissa took another sip.

  “To my date, the most beautiful girl at the prom.” Tony tapped his glass against Clarissa’s. After draining his glass, Tony took Clarissa’s and set them down on the nightstand. Tony wrapped his arms around her, leaving her feeling somewhat relieved that she didn’t have to rely exclusively on the bed to hold her up. As usual, his kisses elicited a tremendous desire in her. In what seemed like seconds, she found herself on the bed, bare chest to bare chest, both of them clothed only in their underwear.

  Feeling Tony’s hand between her legs, while the champagne and passion coursed through her veins, part of her wanted to say stop. When he slid her panties down her legs, her body craved more. She responded to his every touch. Her arousal was so intense that it took her a moment to register anything but pleasure when he slid inside her. By the time she thought to say “Tony, I don’t think we should do this,” he was lying next to her, breathless.

  The clinic chairs felt hard and uncomfortable. Clarissa’s heart pounded hard and fast. The posters hanging on the white walls screamed about TB, chicken pox, STDs, pregnancy, and family planning. Michelle flipped through a People magazine too quickly to register anything on the pages.

  When she got her period, Clarissa called Michelle immediately, even before Tony, giddy with the relief she wasn’t pregnant. The unburdened feeling lasted only a short time before she started suffering a burning pain between her legs.

  A woman wearing purple scrubs came through the door leading to the exam rooms. “Clarissa Thomas,” she announced.

  “Do you want me to come?” Michelle asked.

  Shaking her head no, Clarissa followed the woman through the door. Step on the scale. Take temperature. Follow into the exam room. Sit on table. “What are you here for?” More screaming posters. “Take off all your clothes and put on this gown.” Close door.

  Tears spilled from Clarissa’s eyes. She had tried so hard to hold it all in, marching through life as if everything was fine. She hadn’t even told Tony. Only Michelle knew her pain, her secret, her fear.

  Hearing a gentle knock on the door, Clarissa wiped her eyes with the gown. “Ready,” she said in as calm a voice as she could muster.

  A woman in a white lab jacket with a perfect blond bob stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. “I’m Dr. McCain.” Her voice was gentle and reassuring. “How can I help you?”

  Clarissa spoke quickly about unprotected sex and the pain she now felt.

  “OK. I’ll need to examine you. Lie back, put your feet up in the stirrups, and scoot down toward me.”

  Staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down the sides of her face, Clarissa felt the gloved fingers and sterile instruments probe her. The only thought that came to her mind was that she wanted her mom to hug her.

  Dr. McCain said, “Go ahead and sit back up.” She walked over to the wall and grabbed a flyer and handed it to Clarissa. “I have to wait for the test results, but I am fairly certain you have herpes.”

  The word herpes seemed to echo off the white walls, growing louder and louder. Clarissa tried to concentrate on what the doctor was telling her. “Twenty-five percent of population … spread by sexual contact … must tell partner … could give to your baby … possible C-section … information is in the pamphlet.”

  But the word HERPES kept roaring through the room.

  There was stillness in the air. A pewter-gray fog hung on the horizon. The ocean lay motionless. Even the seagulls stood like statues, eyeing Clarissa to see if she had brought any food. The calm before the storm.

  Cradling her cell phone in her hands, Clarissa stared out over the water. Her mother had asked her where she was going this morning but didn’t push for an answer. Clarissa figured her puffy red eyes spoke volumes. Unfortunately, her mother was the only person Clarissa wanted comfort from, and Clarissa could never tell her the truth about what happened.

  After selecting Tony’s number, Clarissa held the phone up to her ear. She had rehearsed the conversation hundreds of times, but her heart still pounded in her chest. “Hey, Tony.”

  Tony’s familiar voice rang from the phone. “Hey. I left you a message last night. Where have you been?”

  Clarissa took in a deep breath. �
�I went to the doctor yesterday.”

  “Are you OK?” Tony asked, his voice sounding concerned.

  A single tear ran down Clarissa’s cheek. “I have herpes,” she said.

  Tony shot back quickly. “You have what?”

  “Herpes,” she answered. “Tony, why didn’t you tell me you had herpes?”

  “I don’t have herpes,” he said in a flat, emotionless voice.

  A slight breeze began to blow. Clarissa pulled her knees up to her chest. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Finally, she choked out, “You must have herpes. I’ve never been with anyone else.”

  Tony’s voice now sounded matter-of-fact and totally unfamiliar to Clarissa. “I don’t have herpes. If you tell anyone that I do, I’ll deny it. You must have gotten it from someone else.”

  Tears streamed down Clarissa’s cheeks. Rocking back and forth, she found herself in total disbelief. Tony loved her. How could he be doing this to her? She continued to hold the phone to her ear but found she could no longer speak. The wind blew harder, causing her to shiver.

  Tony’s voice interrupted the silence. “Clarissa, if you’re seeing someone else—”

  Clarissa dropped her phone into the sand next to her. Huge waves started to break against the shore, resonating booms across the sand. Staring out at the ocean, she wondered how one choice changed her life forever.