Clarissa's Choice

by MS Weinman

  Michelle’s voice rang loudly through the receiver. “Aren’t you being slightly overdramatic?”

  “OK … maybe. But I finally get a boyfriend. I think we are going to spend all this time together, and I end up alone.”

  “Well, I know I am a poor substitute for Tony, but why don’t you come to the desert with my mom and me? There’ll be plenty of room.”

  Clarissa recapped her nail polish and placed it gingerly back on the nightstand, trying not to smear her wet nails. “You mean it? Do you think it would be all right with your mom?”

  “Of course. She loves having girl time.”

  “You’re my savior.” Clarissa blew gently on her wet nail polish.

  “Being overdramatic again.”

  Standing on Clarissa’s front porch, Tony gripped both her hands. “I’m really gonna miss you.”

  Dampness from the fog hung in the air. Clarissa shivered. Looking down at their interwoven fingers, she said, “Me too.”

  “You’ll have fun in the desert with Michelle. Just make sure you don’t have too much fun.” Tony took a strand of Clarissa’s hair that had fallen down into her face and tucked it behind her ear.

  “No worries.” She stroked his cheek.

  “My mom’s waiting to take me to the airport. I’d better get going.” Tony gave Clarissa a tender kiss. Then he whispered in her ear “I love you” and ran to the car.

  Waving to the back of the car as Tony drove away, Clarissa replied faintly, “I love you too.”

  Reclining on the sofa with feet on the coffee table and diet sodas in hand, Clarissa and Michelle watched a movie gleam from the TV screen. They had just returned from dinner with Michelle’s mom. Baking in the sun all day had made them tired.

  They were awakened from their trance by a knock on the door.

  “Who on earth?” Michelle said as she pressed the Pause button on the remote and went to the door. “What are you doing here?”

  Clarissa turned toward the door as Rick and Jay stepped in.

  “We had to come by. We’ve been out here for three days. We thought for sure we would run into you by now,” Rick replied.

  “So nothing else going on?” Michelle asked. “OK, come in. We’re watching a movie. Sit down and be quiet.” Michelle winked at Clarissa.

  Rick sat in the plush armchair that was beside the sofa and motioned Michelle to come sit on his lap.

  They won’t be out here long, Clarissa thought.

  Jay came over to sit by Clarissa. He took her hand and kissed it. “Hello, beautiful.”

  “Hello, handsome.”

  “Shhh,” Michelle said as she started the movie.

  After about fifteen minutes, Michelle and Rick got up out of the chair and walked, hand in hand, into the girls’ bedroom.

  Jay said, “That took longer than I thought.”

  Clarissa laughed as she reached forward to retrieve her glass from the coffee table and take a drink. “They have the weirdest relationship.”

  “I know,” Jay said. “I would never treat you like that.”

  Feeling slightly shaken by Jay’s comment, Clarissa took another sip. “Do you want a drink?” she offered.

  “Sure. What are you drinking?”

  “Oh, it’s just a Diet Coke. There is some beer in the fridge if you want one.”

  “OK, thanks.”

  Clarissa carried her glass into the kitchen and poured herself some more Coke. After retrieving a beer for Jay, she returned to her spot next to him. Picking up her glass, Clarissa swiveled around to sit with her back against the arm of the sofa. She bent her knees and put her bare feet up on the couch next to Jay. She looked at his profile. He is so cute, she thought. It isn’t just his looks. It’s everything about him.

  Jay lifted her legs and stretched them out across his lap. “You’re tan,” he said as he looked down at her bare legs. With a sinister grin, Jay placed his cold beer down on her thigh.

  “Hey!” Clarissa said as she pulled her thigh away. Jay gently pushed her leg back down.

  With his free hand, Jay began massaging her foot. Clarissa noticed a feeling of arousal flood her body. She stared blankly at the TV screen, not registering anything that was being conveyed by picture or sound. Her mind was flooded by the feelings in her body.

  Jay reached forward and placed his empty beer on the coffee table. Now he used both hands to rub Clarissa’s feet and began moving up her calves.

  “Did swimming give you these beautiful legs?” he asked.

  “I guess,” Clarissa replied. That was a stupid thing to say.

  When Jay began stroking the tops of Clarissa’s thighs, she thought she would go insane with desire.

  “So are you and Tony Brooks serious?” Jay asked.

  Oh god, Tony. I haven’t been thinking about Tony. “I guess.”

  “Is that all you can say tonight? ‘I guess?’”

  That’s all I can say right now because I can’t think with you rubbing my legs. With an impish grin, she replied, “I guess.”

  Jay smiled back. “You know, Clarissa, you’re all right.” He grasped Clarissa’s hand in his and gave it a squeeze. Clarissa felt like she was holding hands with both a lover and a friend.

  “You two look cozy,” Rick said as he came into the room.

  “Just watching TV with my best girl. You ready to go?”

  “Yep.”

  Clarissa swung her legs around and put her bare feet on the floor.

  “Where’s Michelle?” she asked.

  “Asleep,” Rick answered. “Guess I wore her out.” He winked at Jay.

  Turning toward Clarissa, Jay rolled his eyes. Rick headed out the front door. After kissing Clarissa’s hand, Jay followed.

  Clarissa shut the door, leaned her back against it, closed her eyes, and began her mantra: We’re just friends, we’re just friends …

  May 10

  It’s been six days since Tony came home. He is so darling. He dotes on me. He makes me feel so special. I want to be with him all the time, next to him, touching him!!!

  While they waited for their sandwiches to arrive, Clarissa and her mother sat across from each other at a small wooden table and sipped ice tea through straws. Stu’s Deli was crowded with lunchtime patrons holding up hands as waiters sailed by, carrying trays of food and hollering out order numbers.

  Putting down her glass, Clarissa’s mom said, “That dress looks really beautiful on you. You’ll be the most gorgeous girl at the prom.”

  “You think I look beautiful because you’re my mother.”

  “I think you look beautiful because you are incredibly beautiful.”

  “I just hope Tony likes it.”

  “I’m sure he will.” Clarissa’s mom took another sip of ice tea. “Honey,” she said, “I want to talk to you about something.”

  A nervous bubble rose into Clarissa’s throat. She tried to push it down with a gulp of her drink. Even after she dropped the straw from her lips, she continued to hold her glass up like a shield.

  “What?”

  “Well, I know that you and Tony are very close.” Clarissa’s mother began, tapping her fork lightly against the tabletop.

  Clarissa took another drink. I’ve heard this before, only about Brian. She will not convince me to break up with my boyfriend again. Clarissa kept quiet, kept drinking. She stared down at the pink, white, and blue sweetener packages lined up in the little rectangular glass container.

  Her mother went on, “I just wanted you to know that if you need protection, I will make an appointment at the gynecologist and go get whatever you need.”

  Putting her glass down, Clarissa looked into her mother’s green eyes, so much like her own. She could feel the combination of love and fear shining from those eyes.

  “Thanks, Mom. We’re … I don’t need to
… but I really appreciate it.”

  Clarissa’s mother put down the fork. “OK. But if the time comes … not that I am encouraging you. You’re still too young, and you should wait. But your health and safety are my main concern.”

  “Number 76” rang out from a waiter carrying two sandwiches.

  Both Clarissa and her mom raised their hands up in the air. When their sandwiches were before them, Clarissa’s mom said, “Now, where do you want to go for shoes?”

  “And makeup and lingerie—” Clarissa replied as she lifted her sandwich to her mouth.

  “I know, I know,” her mom said, with the smile of someone who had handled a difficult situation and was thoroughly relieved to move on to lighter things.

  Clarissa retrieved her ringing cell phone out of her purse.

  “Any time over your plan, you pay,” her mother said, both eyes still on the road.

  “I know, Mom.” Clarissa placed the phone against her ear. “Hey, Michelle. What’s up?”

  There was a pause then a sigh. Clarissa rubbed her thigh with the palm of her hand. “Michelle?”

  “Rick and I broke up. Can you come over?”

  “Oh god. What happened? Never mind. I’ll be over in five minutes.”

  The bedroom was dim, illuminated only by lines of light breaking through the closed shutters. Clarissa had sat on the bed for the last two hours, consoling her best friend. Where the tears had fallen, wet stains marked Michelle’s T-shirt.

  “When did he meet her?” Clarissa asked, twirling one of her curls around her finger.

  “Palm Springs,” Michelle replied as she lay back down on the bed.

  “But he came to see you …”

  “Yeah. Neat, huh?”

  “He’s a fucking jerk,” Clarissa said.

  Michelle wiped her eyes with the back of her hands as her tears mutated into a giggle. “You never say fucking.”

  Clarissa smiled. “Well, he deserves it. He’s a fucking fucker.”

  Friendship momentarily defeated sadness as both girls dissolved into hysterics.

  Sitting sideways in front of her clay pot, Clarissa strained to see Michelle as she talked with Adam outside the classroom. He had caught up to them just as they were about to walk through the door and had asked to speak to Michelle for a minute. Curiosity had welled up in Clarissa, like a dry sponge that had just hit water. When she saw Michelle hug Adam and come into the classroom, she sat erect in her chair and painted glaze on her ceramics.

  “Don’t pretend that you weren’t watching.”

  Clarissa looked up at her friend, trying to convey a facade of innocence. “What? Oh, OK. What was that all about?”

  “You don’t know?” Michelle asked, raising the arch of her left eyebrow.

  “No, I don’t. Am I supposed to?”

  “I thought for sure you were in on it.”

  “In on what?” Clarissa asked. She dropped her paintbrush and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Well …” Michelle said slowly, drawing out the suspense.

  “Don’t bug me.”

  “OK. Adam asked me to be his date for the prom. I thought for sure you put him up to it,” Michelle said, staring suspiciously at her friend.

  “Swear. I had nothing to do with it. I knew he didn’t have a date yet. Tony must have told him that you and Rick broke up.” Clarissa pushed her curls behind her ears. “Well, are you going? What did you tell him?”

  “I told him that I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was not interested in anything more than friendship with anyone.” Michelle looked down at her pot and began to paint on some glaze. “But I would love to go as friends—strictly platonic.”

  “And he said?”

  “He said he thinks that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever met, inside and out, and that he would be honored to take me to the prom under whatever terms I want.”

  “Jeez. He said that?”

  “Yeah,” Michelle said, continuing to fiddle with her pot absentmindedly.

  “So are you going?”

  “Yes.”

  “We’re all going together?”

  “Yes.”

  Clarissa grabbed her friend’s hands and let out a small, excited squeal.

  Chapter 7

  Adjusting her bathing suit top, Clarissa sat up and pulled the magenta cotton blanket to her chest. Tony sat up next to her. The wind had picked up and brought a slight chill to the deserted stretch of beach. Floating in the air was the scent of salt water and seaweed. Tony wrapped his arm around Clarissa and kissed her neck.

  She rested her head on his shoulder. The sun floated just above the horizon, painting the sky with pastel pinks and purples. Clarissa watched the colors intensify as the bottom arc of the sun flattened against the water.

  Tony twisted one of her dark curls around his index finger. “I have a surprise for you.”

  “What is it?” Clarissa asked, raising her head off Tony’s shoulder.

  “Well …” He continued to twirl her hair. “I got us a room at the Hilton on prom night. I thought we could have a party with Adam and Michelle. And afterward maybe we could … Well, we’ve gotten so close lately … I thought we could spend some time together … alone … if you know what I mean.”

  Clarissa stared at the horizon as the colors in the sky changed again. “I know what you mean.”

  May 17

  Tony got us a hotel room for prom night. He wants to have sex. God, I want him soooo bad. I ache for him. When we’re together, I can barely hold myself back. And I love him. He says that he loves me. But Rick said he loved Michelle. I’m scared. I’m not sure what to do.

  You choose! Should Clarissa have sex with Tony?

  Make your choice and turn to the appropriate chapter to the find out what happens.

  oYes, she’s ready to have sex with Tony. (Chapter 8)

  oNo, she is not ready to have sex with Tony. (Chapter 9)

  oMaybe, but she’s confused and doesn’t know what to do right now. She’ll decide on prom night. (Chapter 10)

  Chapter 8

  Perched on the passenger seat of the parked car, Clarissa waited for her mother to come out of the Ocean City Pharmacy. Although she felt slightly humiliated by the stirrup, spread-eagle thing, a sense of relief washed over her like watercolors on canvas.

  She squinted as she peered through the windshield, watching for her mom to return with the bag of birth control pills and condoms.

  It had taken a few days, after Tony had suggested that they have sex, for Clarissa to get up the nerve to talk to her mother. She fretted all day, tossed and turned at night. What would my mom do? Would she be mad? Was it better not to talk to her about it?

  Finally, after dinner, with her dad safely tucked away watching TV, Clarissa took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen.

  “Mom, I need to talk to you,” she said as she rubbed the palm of her hand on the front of her shorts.

  Sensing that this was not a casual “I need money for a movie” conversation, Clarissa’s mom dried her hands on the red-and-white dish towel and motioned for Clarissa to join her at the kitchen table. “What is it, honey?”

  Staring at the basket of fruit, Clarissa’s heart beat accelerated. She felt a sudden impulse to run away from the table and forget the whole thing. She began her rehearsed statement, “I think Tony and I are getting awfully close to having sex, and you said that I should come to you …”

  Clarissa’s mom folded the dish towel she still held in her hand and placed it on the kitchen table. “I thought this might be what you wanted to talk about. I’ll make an appointment at my gynecologist for you. You’ll like her.”

  Exhaling, Clarissa relaxed into her chair.

  “I’m glad you came to me, honey. I’ll take care of it. But …”

  Clari
ssa felt her body tense again.

  “I need to say that I wish you’d wait. Having sex with a man … a boy … changes everything. But I am proud that you are taking responsibility for yourself. You have to put yourself first. The most important thing to me is that you’re safe.” As her mom slid into the driver’s seat, she placed a brown paper bag on Clarissa’s lap, smiled at her daughter, and gently squeezed her leg, never saying a word.

  That’s it? Clarissa lay on her back, Tony’s heavy arm across her naked body, while he slept beside her in the Hilton’s king-size bed. All the anticipation, all the planning. Now it’s over. Clarissa tried to snuggle close to Tony and feel warm and loved.

  Staring up into the pitch-black nothingness, Clarissa remembered what a blast she and Michelle had getting ready together. They had spent the day downtown—getting manicures and pedicures, eating a delicious but way-too-expensive lunch, and picking up boutonnieres. Back at Clarissa’s house, they did each other’s makeup and put on their gowns. Standing in front of the full-length mirror, they admired the finished product.

  “You look glorious,” Clarissa said to Michelle.

  “We look glorious,” Michelle said.

  “Yeah, we do. We look glorious.”

  But once their dates arrived, the pressure began to build. Well, not for Michelle and Adam; they were having a ball. Clarissa rolled away from Tony and let his arm drop behind her back. To her, it felt like all Tony wanted was to get to the sex.

  Clarissa stared at her naked body in the mirror. It had been weeks since she had been to swim practice. She pinched her stomach. Baseball was over; Tony didn’t have practice. Every day she had been going over to his house. She turned her backside toward the mirror and looked over her shoulder. As she rubbed her hands over her hips, the disgust welled up inside of her.

  How can I go back to practice now? I’m so out of shape. Tony pretty much expects me over every day. I don’t want him to get mad at me. I’ll go back when summer starts. I’ll go on a diet. Clarissa pulled on her slightly too-tight jeans.