Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  As the hormones rushed around my body, I began to consider it. Maybe it could work? And then I remembered the child.

  We didn’t talk about her four year old very often, and so it had been easy to push the fact of her existence to the back of my mind, but in the face of being asked to move in, she was suddenly a reality. Even though Alex wasn’t talking about her daughter, she was part of the package. And there was no way I was going to be a parent, not at twenty two. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a real relationship, never mind a four year old step kid.

  So I told her that. If I could have found a kind lie for her in that moment, I would have done. I really didn’t want to hurt her. But she was springing this huge thing on me, despite the fact we had never discussed it. I hadn’t agreed to any of this. And I didn’t really feel like it had been my fault. So I could only give her the truth: that she was expecting more than I wanted to give. I explained that if she’d ever said that she’d been planning to leave her husband for me, I would have told her not to do it. I would have said that we could never be serious. Because there was a world out there that I still wanted to see, and I didn’t want to be strapped to a family that wasn’t even mine. It was harsh. I’m not going to pretend that it wasn’t. Sixteen years later and I still wince at that moment.

  She didn’t take the rejection well.

  ‘You selfish little bitch.’

  ‘Alex, I’m sorry but…’

  ‘No! Be quiet. I’ve heard enough from you.’

  She was standing near the cooker, holding onto the door handle. Her knuckles were white with rage.

  ‘You’ve ruined my life, do you understand that? And you’ve done it for sex, you piece of shit.’

  I stood up to leave and then I turned to her, feeling awful, wanting to try and say something to make it better.

  ‘Alex, this isn’t about you. It’s me, I’m just not ready for this. You’re incredible but...’

  That seemed to make her even angrier.

  ‘Get the fuck out of here, Julia. I never want to see you again.’

  I was truly sorry that I’d caused her pain, but I could see there was no way I was going to be able to fix this situation with my words. Not this time. So I left. And I never saw her again.

  And then after that, I can only surmise the way her life went from the facts I had. But at an educated guess, she’d gotten a divorce, (reverting back to the family name which is why I hadn’t realised who she was) and gotten a job at her grandfather’s company. She’d never mentioned her family’s connection to Murphy house to me back in the old days. Perhaps she had wanted to avoid any uncomfortable requests to pass my work up. But once she’d climbed the ranks of the business, and seen my name pop up on some list of projects, she’d seen a chance to get her revenge.

  Thinking about that made me livid. She was really going to ruin my career over something that had happened years ago? Because from what I could see, her life had worked out pretty well for her. She had the great job, the big house, the expensive car, and what seemed like a stable family situation. Maybe they hadn’t seemed too happy, but that wasn’t down to me.

  I sat in my car for a further twenty minutes after I’d found out the identity of Alex. I wasn’t sure what to do with the information, but there were vague ideas floating around my head. Then I realised I was supposed to be at the dinner with Lauren and her friends in twenty minutes and I was about forty five minutes away. I put the car in gear and sped away from Alex’s house and thoughts of the past.

  Chapter Ten

  I arrived at the house to see Lauren’s car sitting out front. She’d already gone in. Not a good sign. I ran up to the door and pushed the buzzer, suddenly remembering that Lauren had tasked me with bringing wine.

  Ellie opened the door, all smiles and ushered me in. I went in to see Lauren standing with Joel, drinking wine.

  ‘You’re late’ she said evenly.

  ‘I know, traffic. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Did you bring the wine?’

  I tried to look contrite but she shook her head, as though she wasn’t surprised.

  ‘It’s OK, I thought you might forget. I bought some.’

  That irritated me. She’d just assumed I was going to screw it up? I mean, yes I had. But she hadn’t even expected me to get this right.

  But I just said ‘Thanks Lauren.’

  She handed me a glass and I drank half of it in one go. It was going to be a long night.

  Later, we were eating dinner when Ellie bought up the subject of the book. I looked to Lauren, but she was focusing on her meal. She obviously hadn’t told Ellie the news.

  ‘So, when can I put in my pre-order on Amazon?’

  ‘Actually Ellie, the book isn’t being printed’ I said plainly. I wasn’t in the mood to play keeping up with the Jones’s right now.

  Ellie was aghast.

  ‘What happened?’

  I was about to answer, not sure what was going to come out my mouth, when Lauren jumped in.

  ‘The publisher is going into administration.’

  I looked at her, astonished. But Ellie was sympathetic.

  ‘Oh my god, that’s so frustrating for you! You must be so sad right now.’

  I was about to reply that I wasn’t sad but angry when Joel piped up.

  ‘So are you just going to carry on with the journalism thing?’

  The ‘journalism thing?’ What was it with these doctors? Since when was journalism such a dirty word? I was about to reply that yes, most likely I would continue to write for The Informer but Lauren cut me off again.

  ‘Yes, for the time being. But there’s other publishers interested, so I’m sure the book will be published eventually.’

  I realised I hadn’t said anything in a few minutes and that everyone seemed to be talking for me. I’d had enough of it.

  ‘Actually, I think I’ll just continue disgracing politicians with their sex scandals.’

  Lauren laughed nervously.

  ‘She’s just kidding.’

  ‘Don’t speak for me again’ I said quietly, but firmly. That put an awkward hush over the room. Everyone started to eat their food with a new purpose.

  Later, after we’d finished eating and Lauren cried off with a fake headache, we took separate cars home without discussion.

  I arrived first and went in to the living room to wait for Lauren. I knew a big discussion was about to take place. I didn’t really have the energy for it, but I wasn’t going to climb into bed pretending everything was OK.

  Lauren came in and saw my face. She sighed and sat down on the chair across from me.

  ‘That was humiliating.’

  ‘Which bit? The bit where I told you to stop talking for me or the bit where your friends found out that I’m going to keep doing a job that embarrasses you?’

  ‘You know exactly what I’m referring to.’

  We sat in silence for a few minutes then. It was in that silence that I knew this wasn’t going to work.

  ‘Lauren, I don’t want to make this hard on either of us, so for simplicity, let’s say we’re very different people. Incompatible people.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  She was trying to feign shock but Lauren wasn’t stupid. She knew what was happening. Nevertheless, I was prepared to lay it out for her, if that’s what she wanted.

  ‘I’m tired of feeling like I come up short with you and I’m done with it. You should be with someone more… respectable, I guess. With a less complicated history. That’s just not me. That’s clear now.’

  And it was. I’d seen it that day when I’d told her about the book and I hadn’t wanted to believe it, but I’d lost a large degree of respect in Lauren’s eyes. And I’d done it in just a few minutes. That’s how fragile a thing this had been. I’d seen something that I would not be able to forget, no matter what we might try to keep it going. What made it worse was that this was something I’d feared all along. That secretly, she knew our relationship would probably fail.
Because I was damaged goods.

  She wasn’t a bad person, she just wanted better than I had to give. That was fair.

  Lauren hadn’t said anything in a while. But then she looked up at me and only said ‘OK, then, Julia. You win, as always.’

  She got up and vanished upstairs. I could hear her packing. She came back down and put her head around the door. She stared at me for a second and I didn’t know what she was going to say. Would it be mean? Sad? Would she ask for another chance? But she just said ‘Goodbye, Julia. I hope you find what you want.’

  And she walked out. And that was that. As quickly and straightforwardly as you could imagine, I was alone again.

  The next morning, after a fitful night’s sleep, I awoke to an empty bed. I sat up and looked at her pillow, lost. Lauren was gone.

  I’d done my best, and it hadn’t mattered, because we hadn’t been right. I’d badly wanted it to work, because Lauren represented everything that seemed to be missing in me. She was a good person, and I’d never really been that. That sounds self-pitying, but it’s not. I had never really wanted to be good. I had wanted other things instead. But for six months, I had tried to be better for someone else and now I knew, that doesn’t work. You are who you are. And maybe that’s a good thing, I thought, as I lay in the golden early light. Maybe if you accept who you are, you can find satisfaction in that, whatever that turns out to be. And who exactly was I now?

  And as I thought about that, as I thought about who I was, who I’d always been, it seemed like I knew how to solve my other big problem. I was a scandal journalist, with her own scandalous past. I was Julia Hawke. And how would I handle a problem like Alexandra Murphy on my best day?

  I smiled to myself and got up. I needed a shower. I needed to look my best for the day I had in front of me.

  Chapter Eleven

  I was sitting in my car outside Alexandra Murphy’s house again. It was about eight thirty and I had an idea I was going to see Alex leave for work shortly. Lo and behold, out she came in the Benz. I was slumped down in my seat but I caught my first real in-person glimpse of her as she passed. I had to admit, she looked incredible. She had to be in her early forties now, but the intervening years had been very kind. But if I had anything to do with it, the years in front of her would not be so good.

  However, she was not my priority today. It was someone else that lived in her house that was going to get my full attention. Twenty minutes later, another car came out. It was a red convertible BMW and it was driven by Alex’s wife, Jessica. She ticked all the boxes for trophy wife. She was about ten years younger than Alex, blonde, and overly quaffed. That last fact glared as she pulled out of the drive. She was dressed for the gym with a full face of makeup and hair that was tied up in a way that looked as if it had taken half an hour.

  She passed me without noticing and I pulled out behind her, keeping a good distance.

  I followed her all the way to Tone Up! Gym in West Medford, one of the best areas in the city. I idled my car up the street until she parked in the multi-story and went in. I watched her walk in with her gym bag and only then did I park up in a side street and follow her in.

  The place looked expensive, unsurprisingly. The reception had plush couches, a lavish juice bar and flattering lighting. I picked up a leaflet with the membership prices and they were pretty hair raising. It was about three times the price of my own gym, which was in the mid-price range.

  ‘Can I help?’

  I turned to see a young guy with a Tone Up! uniform, a shaved head and bulging biceps looking at me hopefully. I flashed him my most charming smile.

  ‘Yes, I was considering joining the place, but I’d like to check it out first if that’s possible.’

  He couldn’t get behind the reception desk quick enough.

  ‘Yes, absolutely. I can give you a free day pass. Would you like to use it today?’

  ‘I certainly would’ I said with a smile of gratitude.

  Fifteen minutes later, I was in the main area of the gym, dressed in appropriate attire, purchased from the gym store. I checked the various fitness areas discreetly for Jessica. She wasn’t in the weights area, on the cardio machines or in the Olympic size pool. I checked the class schedule and there were a few going on at that moment. One of them was hot yoga. That seemed the most likely place to look.

  I found the class and peeped in. There she was, in a downward dog pose, sweat slipping down her exposed spine in a way that wasn’t unattractive. Target acquired. I knew the class was going to let out in a few minutes, so I went over to water fountain and poured a cup. I put a finger in the water and flicked a few droplets onto my forehead. Then I gave my cheeks a pinch for colour. I took the cup over to the class entrance and I heard the instructor giving some closing encouragements to everyone as she released them.

  People began to dribble out of the class. Eventually, Jessica came out and I walked right up to her, bumping straight into her back with a cry of ‘Oh!’ The contents of my cup spilled down my own front. She turned around to see what happened. I was ready with remorse.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m so clumsy. Did I get you?’

  She looked down at herself.

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  I began to brush the water off my front. Jessica watched, perhaps a little too closely, as I swatted water off my damp chest. I pretended to examine her again for splashes.

  ‘Let me check your back. If I got you, it’ll be there.’

  She turned to let me see and I saw a small splash of water on her back. I ran my finger gently over the area, lingering ever so slightly.

  ‘I did. I got you. I’m sorry, I just had an absolutely brutal training session with Greg and I guess I was a bit dazed’ I said, putting a little nervousness into my voice.

  She turned, laughing a little. I could see my awkward-but-cute thing was starting to take effect.

  ‘It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.’

  ‘Well, I’d feel a lot better about it if you let me buy you an apology smoothie?’

  ‘Errm…’

  She began to look around, a little uncertain, but I didn’t push it. Let her come to you, Julia.

  Another quick glance that contained what I couldn’t mistake as a physical assessment and she made her decision.

  ‘Sure, why not.’

  I smiled and we went over to the smoothie bar.

  ‘I’ll have a banana strawberry and my friend will have…’

  I turned to Jessica and she said ‘The same, please.’ Copying my order? This was going better than I’d expected.

  We got our drinks, sat at a table and I said ‘Oh, I’m Beth, by the way’ breathlessly.

  ‘Jessica.’

  ‘Jessica…’ I said, as though I was trying out her name for the first time of many. The corners of her mouth turned up at the sound of her name coming out of my mouth.

  ‘So, you like hot yoga.’

  ‘Yes, love it’ she said automatically. Then she looked around furtively, before leaning slightly forward and dropping her voice. ‘Actually, I hate it.’

  I laughed at the admission.

  ‘Then why do it?’

  ‘Because it’s what everyone does. And it’s pretty effective, I guess.’

  I looked her up and down.

  ‘Pretty effective? I’d say it’s more than that. I mean, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but your body is perfect.’

  She looked a little embarrassed but I could tell she’d enjoyed the compliment. Which wasn’t a lie. She really did have a tight body.

  ‘Well, Greg must be very good at his job. You seem to be in good shape yourself.’

  I waved the compliment off. ‘Beth’ didn’t take praise well.

  ‘Oh no, well, I mean, I try but I’ve got a way to go before I’m in your league.’

  She let out a sigh of exasperation.

  ‘Why can women never take a compliment?’

  I laughed shyly and nervously touched the back of my neck, l
ike the ‘I don’t know I’m gorgeous’ type I was pretending to be. She watched my act, clearly charmed by it. I’d spent five minutes with Jessica and I could already tell there were things she wasn’t getting from Alex at the moment. Positive attention, for one. And at a guess, not much sex either.

  ‘Have you been coming here long? I don’t think I’ve seen you around.’

  ‘I only joined last month. It’s a nice place. Expensive though!’

  She nodded.

  ‘I know, it’s pretty pricey.’

  I lowered my voice as I made my embarrassing admission.

  ‘I’m lucky that I don’t have to pay the bill. My wife is the one with the money.’

  Jessica’s smile dropped for a second and I knew I’d struck a nerve. She also couldn’t have failed to catch the reference to my sexuality.

  ‘Actually...’

  I leaned in as though I didn’t know what she was going to say.

  ‘My wife pays for this too.’

  ‘Oh, really? Does she insist you stay in shape like mine does?’ I said with a nervous laugh that was meant to indicate a joke with a difficult truth behind it.

  She touched her temple anxiously and I knew I was on the right track. Alex, what kind of person have you become, I wondered.

  ‘Well, she doesn’t insist as such, but I don’t know, sometimes I wonder I if put on a few pounds, if she might just trade me in for a newer model’ she said with her own nervous laugh.

  I decided to take a risk.

  ‘That’s crazy’ I said as I touched her hand briefly. ‘Where would anybody find an upgrade on you?’

  It was a fairly big move and I wondered if it was a step over the line so early on but she blushed and I knew that she was enjoying my attentions. I began to feel a little bad. Jessica seemed like a nice person. And in any other situation, I might have paid her these compliments with no ulterior motive. But I had decided on a course of action and right now, on the back of the broken book deal and the broken relationship, it was giving me direction. Whether that was good direction or bad direction remained to be seen but I didn’t intend to linger on thoughts of morality.