Forgiving Patience

by Jennifer Simpkins

  Anna turned Em around to face her and gave her a fierce hug. “You ready for this?”

  * * * *

  After seeing the gleam in Em’s eyes, Anna instantly pushed aside her feelings for the day and forced a smile onto her face. She walked down the aisle with her head held high. Standing at the altar, holding her friend’s bouquet as well as her own, she avoided making eye contact with the best man. She knew he was there. His presence was made known. She could feel his steady gaze on her, but she willed herself to deny him the satisfaction of her looking at him. That didn’t mean she didn’t want to, though.

  When the ceremony was over she took Jake’s arm, only a few inches separating them. She knew his attention was on her as he reached for her arm, but her focus didn’t waver from the exit sign hanging above the door leading into the sunlight.

  She needed air. When they reached the outside steps, she let go of his arm and turned her attention to fixing Em’s dress.

  “Quit, Anna. It’s good, I promise. Your duty as maid-of-honor is over. Go have fun. I love you.”

  Anna couldn’t ignore the way Em’s eyes shot up to Jake when she said go have fun. She didn’t want to go have fun. What she really wanted was to shut herself into the powder room and free the tears she’d been waiting to shed.

  “You sure you don’t need anything else?” Anna practically begged for one of Em’s chores.

  “No, now go, and don’t forget we never had that discussion about why you look so down today. We can’t talk right now, for obvious reasons, but we will. In the meantime, don’t think so much. Live life and stop trying to control everything. I love you, but you’ve got to stop trying to plan out everything. Just be happy.”

  Em had told Anna the reception wouldn’t last longer than an hour or two. Anna was counting down the minutes. While everyone around her seemed happy, she was falling into a deep despair. She tried—God knows she tried to stay in the present and positive for Em’s sake, but she couldn’t stop her mind from going back to the night before.

  She had laid out her painful past to the one man she might only ever love, and he didn’t judge her for it. He was concerned, but didn’t look at her as if she were some damaged product. They’d made love, and he was so gentle. Everything had been perfect until she’d had to open up an old wound.

  Would it have been better not to have asked? Things might’ve been different right then. Instead of her feeling depressed at her best friend’s wedding and watching everyone enjoy the perfect day while she only wished for the day to end, she and Jake could be dancing, stealing kisses, having wedding sex in the downstairs bathroom. But not now. Everything had changed so quickly.

  Anna made her way to the powder room. Despite Em’s reasoning, Anna needed to think. She entered the small bathroom and stared at her pale face in the mirror. She looked like she needed to crawl into bed and sleep the rest of the night away. Maybe she would do that. After the reception she would go back to the apartment, take her little blue pill, slip between the covers, and not come back alive until sunrise.

  The door swung open, and in walked Jesse. Her lavender dress fit snugly to her waist and then flared out. The coloring looked radiant against her tanned skin. Against Em’s demands, Jesse had opted to keep her hair down. Em thought it was only because Jesse loved to do the opposite of what she said. Whatever the reason, Jesse looked amazing.

  Jesse looked under the two bathroom stalls to ensure that they were indeed alone. When she confirmed that they were, she asked, “What’s up with you?”

  “Nothing. Why?”

  Jesse put both hands on her hips and eyed Anna. “Don’t give me that bull. We don’t know much about each other, but I can tell something is bothering you. You have the same look you had that day at Cut and Curls. I have a pretty good idea of what it is, but I want to hear it from you.”

  Anna looked at the new stiff heels on her feet. “Did Em send you?”

  “No. I’ve been watching you mope around here all day. When I saw you make tracks here, I followed you.”

  Anna believed her. Jesse had no reason to lie. It wasn’t in her nature to do anything other than tell it like it was. She admired so many things about Jesse, and one of them was that Jesse didn’t take any crap off anyone. Her backbone could hold up against a Navy SEAL.

  “It’s Jake.”

  “Figures.” Jesse didn’t seem surprised. “What did the asshole do this time?”

  “I don’t want to keep you from your brother’s wedding.”

  “Do you honestly think I want to be out there fighting for a bouquet? Hell to the no. Spill.” Jesse stood in front of the swinging door as if standing guard.

  Anna leaned against the sink, feeling defeated. “He lied to me. Again.”

  “About what?”

  “Last night I asked him about Cara—”

  Interrupting, Jesse said, “Shit. Did you really want to know about all that? I thought y’all had gotten past that?”

  “That’s the thing, we never did. I could never bring myself to hear the gory details. But last night I was strong enough to tackle the hard questions that needed to be asked. I needed him to tell me everything—and he did.”

  “So if he told you what happened, then how did he lie to you? I’m not following.”

  “He never slept with her.”

  Jesse threw her hands in the air. “What? Now you’ve really lost me.”

  “It was a hoax. It was a way for them to get back at Cara’s boyfriend for breaking up with her…and me too, I guess—even though he didn’t come right out and say that last part. When she went back to school and told everyone they had been together, he never denied it. They never had sex.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing…I mean, that he was never unfaithful to you?”

  “Yes, it’s good that he never slept with her, but he let me go on for eleven years believing he had. He let me think that he cared less about our relationship, and that it was easy for him to find someone else.” Anna couldn’t control the mist turning to full-blown tears.

  Jesse left her spot guarding the door and wrapped her arms around Anna. Her new friend had a standoffish posture, and while Anna knew she was trying to be supportive, she could tell Jesse wasn’t one to give out many hugs. She was a strong and very capable woman. Anna was almost embarrassed for crying in front of her.

  She vigorously wiped at her tears. “I’m sorry. You probably didn’t know what you were walking into. Ever since I’ve been back, I’ve been emotional.”

  “Don’t apologize to me. You have every right to be upset…angry even. But I still can’t help but be confused at why you seem to be angrier at Jake now than you did when you thought he had slept with that slut.”

  “Isn’t she related to you somehow?”

  Waving her hand in front of her face, Jesse said, “Way down the line. It still doesn’t mean I can’t call her a slut. If anything, it definitely means I can call her a slut. She was wrong to do that to you. I just call them like I see them.”

  “I like that about you,” Anna admitted.

  “It gets me into trouble sometimes.” Jesse shrugged. “A lot of people think I’m a smartass.”

  Anna almost laughed. “I know it might not make sense, but I can’t get over the fact that he kept that big piece of information from me. I’ve lived with the ache that he slept with someone else, especially since he and I were never together. It made me feel that because I never put out, he was ready to be done with me and move on to someone else. It stung. I just don’t think I can forgive him.”

  It was back to forgiveness. It was one of the major reasons for coming back to Patience, and it was something she considered overrated. She didn’t know if she could forgive any of it. Her past abuse, her mother for not knowing what was going on in her own house, or Jake for lying to her for eleven years.

  Damn forgiveness.

  “I didn’t know you two were never together. I can see how you would feel that way. Men can be dicks sometimes, but
I was around Jake after you left. He was at my house a lot because of Tommy, and he was heartbroken. One night, it was about two weeks after you left town and my parents had gone to Savannah for a little weekend getaway, and Jake was staying at our house for the night. He broke into my dad’s liquor cabinet and found the hard stuff. Tommy had already gone to bed, leaving me with Jake. He got to rambling on about past mistakes and some things that didn’t make much sense. He said he never meant to hurt you and that all he did was miss you. He actually cried. I was a little weirded out, but I felt sorry for the guy. I took the alcohol away and put him on the couch to sleep it off. The next day he never mentioned the conversation, and I never brought it up. I guessed he didn’t even remember it. I could tell he loved you to the point that it almost killed him. I’m not saying what he did was right, because it was downright shitty, but he was hurt and confused about you breaking up with him. He wasn’t in his right mind, and I believe at the time he was doing what he had to do to cope.”

  Jake had lost her in the same way she’d lost him. But she wouldn’t have lost him if she’d never let him go in the first place. Was she wrong after all these years? Did she cause all of the heartbreak?

  “I never meant to cause him pain. I thought I was doing what was best for him. I like to think that I ended things for good reasons, but maybe I was wrong.”

  “It sounds like both of you made some life-altering mistakes, but you are here together now. And the way I hear it, y’all are setting the nights on fire.”

  Anna gave Jesse a questioning look.

  “Don’t look at me like that. What do you expect the nosy citizens of Patience to do in their spare time?”

  “I guess Jake and I walked into that.”

  “Yeah, you did. You should’ve known that you and Jake would be the highlight of the town gossip.”

  “What do I do now?”

  “What do you want to do?” Jesse asked.

  Anna knew what she had to do to make things right between them. She couldn’t leave town until she did. Jake and she both deserved that much. Those teenagers, who were so in love and never knew their lives were going to be anything but simple, deserved closure.

  “If I don’t get to see Em before she leaves, will you send her and Tommy off with my best?”

  “I will. Oh, and Anna, forgiving Jake doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with letting him off the hook. Forgiveness is about you and your not allowing what happened to control your life anymore. You have to let it go if you ever want to move on. Jake is a good guy.”

  That deserved another questioning look.

  “What?”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way but when did you become so insightful?”

  “I must have heard it somewhere. Don’t tell anybody.”

  Anna shook her head and laughed. “Thanks, Jesse.”

  “Go kick some ass, girl.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Anna searched the fellowship hall for Jake, but he was nowhere to be found. She waved Em and Tommy off before leaving the reception. What reason was there to stay? Em was gone, off living her life with her new husband, and Jake was missing.

  She needed to talk to him and figure out what was going on between them. She needed closure before she left Patience again.

  When did Jesse get to be so deep? There was a lot to that chick. But she was right: forgiveness was about her and her need to move on and not let her past define her life anymore. That could be said for her past with Jake as well as not being defined by the abuse any longer.

  She decided to go back to the apartment, change out of her bridesmaid’s dress, and go to the house and wait for Jake. He would have to show up there sometime.

  The town seemed quiet, probably because everyone was still at the church. She would miss the town, she would miss Ms. Edna, she would miss Em and their girl talk, and she couldn’t deny that she would miss Jake. He’d become such a big part of her life.

  She turned the corner to Garrett’s apartment and couldn’t have been more stunned. There it was…the Green Monster. Her heart beat like a drum, and the mere sight of Jake sent a hot tingle rippling down her spine. He had shucked his jacket, his tie was loosened, and his sleeves were rolled up his forearms.

  She parked behind him and stepped out of her car.

  His name came out as a faint whisper. “Jake.”

  “Hey, sweetness.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I had to see you. I needed to make things right with you. I feel like shit after last night, but you wanted to know the truth, and I needed to finally tell it. I know I should’ve handled it better, but I can’t change that now, no matter how hard I wish I could.”

  “Jake—”

  “Don’t interrupt, please. I need to finish.”

  Maybe his saying this would provide the sense of closure he desperately needed.

  “It was killing me at the wedding when you would barely touch me. You wouldn’t even look me in the eye. All I could think about was pulling you hard up against me and kissing you forever and showing all of Patience you are mine.”

  When he rocked back and forth on the heels of his dress shoes and stopped talking, she asked, “Can I talk now?”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I was going to do the same—at least the setting things right part. I forgive you, and in some way, I understand why you did what you did. Not that I agree with it, but you were shattered, and I know how that feels. I also realized that I love you…probably never stopped.” She paused. “No, I know I never stopped loving you. You are the only man I have ever loved and felt safe with. I wanted to tell you all that before I left.”

  “Left…what do you mean, left?”

  “I have to go back to my life in Linden.”

  “What about the house? Do you feel that you have to leave because of your nightmares and memories of the house? If that’s the case, it won’t help if you run from them.”

  “No. I also realized I don’t need the house to let go of my past. It had nothing to do with the house…maybe not even this town. It was me proving to myself that I could come back here and come out okay and proving that the innocence that was taken from me didn’t define my life. I’m strong enough to handle what I was dealt, and I’m in the process of finally being able to face it. You had a hand in that. You showed me that I could make love and not be terrified of it. A wise friend also told me it was about forgiveness—and I see that now and am ready to embrace it.”

  His voice came out soft. “That’s great, Anna.”

  “And as for the work you’re doing to the house, it looks like you’re handling that all by yourself…and I don’t mean that in a bad way. I appreciate the work and time you’ve put in it. You were right in saying that I needed you. I could’ve never done what you did for it. So, thank you.”

  “Is that the only way you need me? I know you don’t like to believe you need anyone to care for you, maybe even someone you can lean on, but you do. You need me, and I know for damn sure I need you in my life.”

  Anna was a little dizzy, and it had nothing to do with the heat. The raw emotion in his voice ripped a hole in her heart.

  He left the side of his truck and made his way to her. Now that her breathing was becoming irregular, she felt faint. She longed for his touch but didn’t know if she was prepared for the feel of his hands on her skin.

  He reached out and ran his palm along her arm.

  “Jake, don’t,” Anna pleaded.

  “I love you. I can tell you that all day long. Every day, if you need me to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  “I have to go back home.”

  “You are home. This has always been your home. Don’t you see that? I want to be your home, the place you find comfort. Please don’t leave me again.”

  “Don’t put this all on me. I told you my reasons for leaving the first time, and that has to be good enough for you. I have a life. I fulfilled my obligations here, and I l
ike to think that I accomplished my personal goals, so I’m free to leave now.”

  She had come here for her best friend and to free that six-year-old girl, and she’d done those two things.

  “So I was just a goal to you?” He took a step back. Fury flashed in his eyes, mixed with more hurt.

  “Of course not. I meant the stuff from my past. But while I didn’t come back here for us, I feel I will be leaving with peace between us. It lightens my heart to know we’re at a good place. But I feel you’ve helped me more than I helped you.”

  “Do you know what kind of man I was before you came into my life again? I was a moody son-of-a-bitch—just ask anyone. After my injury and my mom’s death, I shut down. I told you most of it at the ballfield, but what you don’t know is that my life changed when you entered it. I found love and hope again. I don’t just want you—I need you, Anna.” Moisture filled the corners of his eyes. “I don’t need other women, alcohol, or bar fights to make me feel something—or even baseball. You’re it for me. Nothing in my life makes sense without you in it.”

  Before she knew it, he took that last step between them, his mouth already taking possession of hers. He was kissing her so hard she had to tilt back her head to take in all he was giving. A groan escaped through his chest as he placed both hands on her hips.

  When he pulled back, his fingers grazed her arm, and she couldn’t stop the sudden gasp and shudder that overtook her. He had a way of throwing her system off balance.

  “Don’t even say that you can’t stay here, because I know it’s a lie. I was young and stupid before and made a terrible mistake, but I’m a grown man, and you can count on that. I won’t make that mistake again. You run again, and I will just come after you. I should’ve done that eleven years ago. I want to build a life with you here. I want us to have our own wedding with all our friends and family around us. I want us to buy a house with a big backyard so I can teach our kids how to play baseball.” He put up a pointing, warning finger to stop her before she interrupted. “And I won’t stop until I have all those things.”