To Mend a Broken Heart

by K. A. Hobbs

  “How are you?” I hear them begin chatting as I walk into the kitchen to find my friend.

  “Hey beautiful,” I call to her as I step into the big light room, “How are you?”

  “Hey yourself,” she holds her hands out to me, “You’re looking so well.” she smiles happily.

  “I am well. Where is my boy?” I search the room for Aidan.

  “He’s asleep, he was up in the night with a temperature so he’s knackered.”

  “Much like Daddy then.” Ryan yawns.

  “Yes,” Ginny looks apologetic, “Much like Daddy.”

  “You were up with the bubba?”

  “He wouldn’t settle with Mummy, it was all Daddy last night.” he yawns.

  “You can sleep in tomorrow, I promise.” Ginny blows a kiss to her husband who grins like a soppy idiot.

  “I don’t mind,” he shakes his head, “I wanted you to sleep.” a look passes between them that I don’t miss and I don’t understand either.

  “Oh, you two. You’re so adorable.” I tease them.

  “I know, right?” Ryan cocks his head to the side.

  “Hello Blondie.” Ginny calls to Daniel, her affectionate name for him.

  “Hey,” he grins, holding up the wine we bought, “I thought this might be nice.”

  “You’re so naughty,” she teasingly scorns him, “But thank you all the same.”

  She takes the bottle from his hands, places it on the counter then wraps her arms around him in greeting. He returns the hug smiling. I watch as Ginny leans up to whisper something in his ear and Daniel replies much the same way. Ryan coughs and alerts them to our presence.

  “Ever get the feeling you’re completely missing something, Munchkin?” he asks me.

  “Yes.” I nod.

  “I’m just checking my Blondie is looking after my best friend is all.” Ginny tells us both stepping away and back into the kitchen.

  “I get the same question every time,” Daniel tells me, wrapping his arm around my waist, he leans his head down and whispers in my ear, “How’s my girl? Is she doing okay, really?”

  “You can just ask me that.” I tell Ginny.

  “Kate, you would lie to me rather than make anything of it.”

  “I would not!”

  “You would,” she tells me, “You forget I’ve known you since you and I were children.”

  “I really am fine though, I’m doing well. More than well, I’m doing great!”

  “Thanks to the Blonde Giant.” Ryan adds.

  “Yes,” I look up to Daniel and smile, “Thanks to the Blonde Giant.”

  He smiles shyly and presses a kiss to my forehead. I am surrounded by love and kindness, by my favourite people in the whole world and I’m happy. The little things in life are the most important and they are also the biggest things. When I look back at my friends, Ryan is smiling at Ginny who has tears in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she waves her hand around her face, “I’m just…It’s so…You two make me so deliciously happy! I love you both, you know that don’t you? I’d do anything for both of you. Anything.”

  “We do know,” Daniel answers for both of us, “And we’d do the same.”

  Daniel and Ryan disappear into Ryan’s study while I help Ginny with lunch. I watch Ginny move around the kitchen, a little slower than normal. She keeps stopping and taking a few deep breaths and she is continuously sipping from a glass I first thought had apple juice in it, but now I look closer, it has bubbles in. Suddenly, everything clicks into place, the look I saw between Ryan and Ginny, the moving slowly, the drink.

  “Ginny?”

  “Yes sweetie?”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  Her eyes meet mine, tears swimming there. She nods slowly, looking like she isn’t sure how to tell me. I step up to her and wrap my arms around my best friend. She breaks down in my arms and I don’t understand why.

  “Hey, what is with the tears?”

  “I don’t…It’s hormones. And I don’t…It wasn’t planned, it’s a complete surprise,” she takes a deep breath and looks at me, “And I’m worried what it will make Daniel feel.” she whispers.

  Ginny, the best person in the world. The kind of friend everyone wants, is worried about the feelings Daniel might feel when she tells him she’s pregnant. She’s worried about how someone else will feel rather than focusing on how she feels.

  “He’ll be over the moon for you, sweetie.” I tell her.

  “I know he will, but Kate, it’s bound to bring back memories. I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “Don’t be silly, he will deal with it like he deals with everything else,” I kiss her cheek, “Congratulations.” I whisper.

  “Thank you.” she whispers back tearily.

  “What did Ryan say to the little surprise?”

  “He is delighted, he wants more children, neither of us thought it would be this soon though, but I guess this little one has other ideas.” she pats her still flat stomach.

  “How far along?” I ask her.

  “About six weeks and bloody hell, the sickness is worse now than it ever was with Aidan.” she takes a sip of her drink and smiles.

  “It must be a girl then.” I say excitedly.

  “That’s what Ryan said, but how can you know that?”

  “Well, it’s just a guess.”

  “I’m so tired. That’s another reason Ryan was up with Aidan last night, I literally cannot keep my eyes open past seven in the evening, I barely make it to then.”

  “Well, let Ryan take over and do things while you’re feeling like this. Why didn’t you tell me? We would never have made you cook lunch.”

  “Sweets, I made it easy, quiche, salad, new potatoes. And I totally cheated and bought dessert.”

  “So you should. Now, what can I do?”

  “Lay the table? I can sit down and chat then.”

  “Get your butt on the seat and rest,” I look back at her as I make my way over to the table, “I really am so excited for you both, Ginny, you’re the best parents in the world. That little one is so lucky.”

  “Thank you.” she smiles.

  “And their Auntie Katie is going to spoil them rotten!”

  “And their Uncle Daniel will take beautiful photos of them when they arrive.”

  “Oooh! He totally will.”

  “How are you doing, Katie?”

  “I’m really, really good. I promise you, I would tell you if I wasn’t.”

  “And you’re finally allowing yourself to be happy?”

  “Yes. Richard’s anniversary… I took Daniel to meet him, Ginny. I sat there and my past met my future. I hope he understands, I hope he knows my love for him isn’t any less because I have Daniel now. I can’t be without him, Ginny. I can’t even bear to think about it.”

  “I’m so happy for you, you deserve this, he deserves this. Happiness and love look good on you, I forgot how good.”

  “I forgot how good it feels to feel loved, to be loved and love in return. To wake up with a smile rather than a tear. To know, whatever happens, I’ll have someone who loves me and who I can turn to. I love him so much, Ginny. I didn’t think I’d ever love anyone the way I loved Richard, but I think…” I close my mouth, not wanting to say the words aloud.

  “You think…?” Ginny prompts.

  “I think I love him more.” I whisper, squeezing my eyes tightly shut.

  “That’s okay sweetie.” Ginny soothes.

  “I lived through losing Richard, Ginny. I lived through it because I had Daniel. I don’t think I’d ever survive losing him.” the thought alone brings tears to my eyes.

  “You won’t lose him. Have faith sweetie.”

  I do have faith I won’t lose him. I will hold on to him so tight because without him, I don’t think I’d be able to live. He is so much a part of me, a bigger part than I think Richard was. Daniel is the key to my survival. He is the reason I’m standing here. The boys reappear some time later gr
inning like naughty school boys. Ryan has a sleepy Aidan in his arms who looks a little peaky. Daniel walks right up to Ginny and wraps her in a hug. She looks at me shocked and then she smiles.

  “He told you.”

  “He did, congratulations, Ginny. I’m so happy for you both.”

  “Thank you, Daniel. That means so much.”

  “Ryan also told me about your worries, about how… It brings back nothing but beautiful memories for me. I hope one day, I’ll create more of those,” Daniel’s eyes shoot over to mine for a second before they go back to Ginny, “I don’t want you to worry about me, just worry about the little one you’re keeping safe.”

  “Thank you,” Ginny whispers, wiping her eyes, “Hormone overload!” she laughs.

  “Gigi, go sit, you’ve been on your feet all morning.” Ryan tells her, snuggling their son.

  “Lunch is like, two minutes away from being ready. Are you capable of serving?” she teases him.

  “I’m probably not, but Daniel is.”

  “And Daniel is the guest.” she scolds Ryan.

  “Please, he’s been here enough times to know where everything is, he can help, right?”

  “Right.” Daniel smiles, gently patting Ginny on the shoulder.

  Ginny and I take a sleepy Aidan into the lounge and I watch the two of them together with Daniel’s words running through my head. It brings back nothing but beautiful memories for me, Ginny. I hope one day, I’ll create more of those, of course Daniel wants more children. We haven’t spoken about it, but then again, we haven’t spoken about a lot of things we want from the future. It has been a whirlwind since we met, we both fell fast and deep and I know we both can't imagine being apart from each other. I guess it’s something we need to speak about though, to make sure we are both on the same page.

  I let my mind drift off to our future. A little blonde haired, blue eyed boy, the spitting image of his father running towards me, his laughter carrying back to me as Daniel chases after him. My tummy swollen with another life, a life we created together in love and adoration for each other. The life I wanted that I was so sure I would never have seems so close, so possible, like I can reach out and touch it, and maybe one day I’ll be able to.

  We’re both a little quiet on the ride back to Daniel’s, I’m not sure if we’re both tired or if we’re both lost in thoughts of our future, but when we pull into Daniel’s drive and walk up to the front door, my heart is hammering away in my chest. I suddenly feel nervous, like when I enter the house, everything is going to change. Of course it isn't. I’m being stupid. Stepping in, we both remove our shoes and Daniel looks back at me, his eyes as unsure as I feel.

  “Come upstairs with me?” he asks, holding out his hand.

  “Why?” I ask, taking it, lacing our fingers together.

  “Right now, I need you. I need to be close to you. I don’t know why, but I feel… I feel like you could slip through my fingers without me noticing, like… our entire future hangs in the balance. Does it, Katie? Could I…lose you?” he asks, so seriously my heart aches for him.

  “No, never.” I tell him.

  “So I don’t have to share you? I don’t have to compete with h—”

  “You don't have to share me with him, Daniel. You don't have to compete. He isn't here. You are, you're who I want to be with. You're who I want to live my life with. You're who I love and trust and give my heart to. If you want it, it's yours, today, tomorrow. Forever.”

  “Katie, I have wanted your heart since the day I met you.”

  “Then take it. Take me, all of me.”

  “I’ll never take you, I’ll always treasure you, always.”

  “Love me, Daniel. Love me and never stop, because you’re who I want. I want my future with you.”

  He picks me up, carrying me up the stairs to his bedroom. He places me gently on the bed and climbs on top of me, careful to keep his full weight off of me by propping himself up on his hands. He looks down at me, eyes impossibly blue and shining with emotion.

  “I want my future with you,” he tells me, “I mean what I said at Ginny’s. I hope one day we can create more beautiful memories together. I hope one day, it will be us telling Ginny and Ryan we’re expecting, that you’re carrying my child. I hope with my whole heart that day will come for us, Katie.”

  He closes his eyes, the emotion of his words getting the better of him. I reach up and caress the side of his face with my hand, letting him know it’s okay. I wait for him to open his eyes and only when he does, do I speak.

  “I want that too. I want exactly that. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Love and hope. Without them, life is empty and dark. It is cold and it is lonely. Daniel has given me hope and hope is one of the greatest gifts we have to give. I'm not sure how I got here. I’m not sure if I deserve it. I just know Daniel is the reason.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Daniel is strong. The strongest person I know, but even the strongest person has weak moments, don’t they? A moment where they need to be held up, a moment where they can’t be the strong one because they are hurting. Today is such a day. It started with a restless nights sleep. I woke up in the dark with Daniel whimpering beside me. I knew he was dreaming and I knew what he would be dreaming about. I reached out for him and soothed him the best I could. When he finally woke himself up, he sobbed into my chest until he fell back to sleep. My heart broke with every tear that landed on my skin.

  Right now, he’s upstairs, sitting in Poppy’s room. He’s been up there for the last hour and each time I’ve gone to see him, he’s told me he’ll be five more minutes but as yet, he hasn’t come back downstairs and I’m worried if I push, I’ll cause more pain. The heartbreaking thing is, I can’t help him, he is fighting the demons that take hold of him at his weakest point and I can’t do anything to help. He is lost to me in moments like this, totally consumed by his grief and the profound loss he is trying to live through. Nothing I can say or do can make it better. I know what it feels like to lose someone, but I don't know, and I hope I never will know, what it feels like to lose a child. A child you gave everything up for, a child who you lived for. A child who was your whole world. No one knows when the grief will hit you the hardest, everyone assumes it’s on birthdays, significant days, but the truth is that it’s on normal days it often hurts the most.

  I walk into the empty room that a few days previously was filled with boxes of Poppy’s things. Everything she ever touched, lived in and owned. All material things, Daniel told me, it wouldn't bring her back, he told me. He is right of course, it didn't stop it being so horrendously heartbreaking. Daniel is where he has been for the past hour, sitting on the floor and holding Poppy’s brown teddy. I slide down the wall and take his hand in mine.

  “Do you want me to leave?” I whisper.

  “No, I'm so sorry, Katie, I don't want to make you feel like I don't want you here. I want you here so much...But...I want my daughter here too.”

  His sad, tear filled eyes meet mine and I can't help but reach for him. When Daniel is sad, he looks painfully so, the sadness consumes him and it spills out of every pore. No one ever looks more sad than Daniel does.

  “I wish with my whole heart I could bring her back for you, Daniel. If I had three wishes, they would all be used to bring your daughter back to you.”

  “I love you.” he whispers, tears falling down his cheeks.

  “And I love you.”

  We sit there together for another half an hour before I manage to persuade Daniel to come to his room and rest. I climb onto the bed and hold my arms out to him. He climbs onto the bed next to me and wraps himself around me, his head on my chest, his leg over mine. I wrap him in my arms, I wrap him in the love I have for him in the hopes it is enough to heal him right now. Because it’s all I have.

  “When she was a baby,” he begins, “She would lay on my chest for hours sleeping. I kept being told, you should let her learn to fall asleep on her
own, you'll never get her to settle without sleeping on you otherwise. It was impossible to let her settle on her own though, she was my daughter and I knew the months of being able to have her, curled up on my chest were so short, I wasn't prepared to miss a single minute I could with her like that.”

  “I think you do what you feel is right, if it works for you, why should anyone be able to tell you it's wrong?”

  “And they were all wrong. When she got older, she wouldn't settle on me anymore. So she learned to settle on her own in spite of my sleepy cuddles. When she was at her most poorly, she would revert back to being held to go to sleep. She would crawl into my lap and then onto my chest, just like she did when she was a baby and she would sleep for hours so peacefully,” he sighs, “It was like she remembered and took comfort in it. If I had stopped, like everyone told me to, would she have been able to sleep? Be able to rest without being scared?