To Mend a Broken Heart

by K. A. Hobbs

  I hate that I’ve made him question whether he’s welcome here, whether I want him here, and I hate even more that I can’t tell him that right now, I don’t want him here, that it’s as much for his sake as it is for mine. I just can’t hurt him, but I think I am anyway.

  “I’m not feeling so good,” I lie, “I think I’m just going to stay in bed and sleep off whatever it is.”

  He sighs, I know he sees through the lie, I also know, he won’t call me on it. Daniel is patient and kind and he always accepts what I tell him.

  “Okay… Katie, we’re okay aren’t we?” he asks.

  “Yes, Daniel.”

  “Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “For our day out, of course.”

  “I love you.” he almost whispers down the phone.

  “I love you too.”

  * * *

  I’m tired. Daniel is tired and the day has been a total nightmare. Everything we try to do, something goes wrong. First of all, it’s just little things. The café we want to have coffee in is closed, then when we do find one that is open it doesn’t serve anything other than your basic filter coffee and pots of tea. The list of petty annoyances just get worse over the course of the day and my temper begins to fray.

  After kissing Daniel before he goes to get some money out, I bump into an ex colleague of Richard’s, who thinks it is acceptable to stand there and openly tell me she is shocked to see I’ve moved on so quickly. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a slap around the face and after last nights dreams, the wound that was healing is feeling raw and sensitive again and I find it more than difficult to smile and be polite.

  After what feels like an hour, she finally says goodbye, with a haughty nod of her head and I’m left standing there, red faced and shaking with anger. When Daniel returns and tries to comfort me, I just get irritated and tell him, it’s easy for him, no one judges the man who has lost his child, everyone judges the widow who has fallen in love. I’m awful to him and I end up spoiling the whole day. I know why I’m acting like this, with Richard’s anniversary only days away, I’m feeling emotional and tired and the ache in my chest is starting to come back. I can’t stop myself reacting without thinking and I’m hurting the one person I desperately don’t want to ever hurt.

  On the drive home, the already strained atmosphere gets worse. The fuel light has been on in Daniel’s car for ages but he’s adamant we have plenty of petrol to get home on. We pass three separate garages and he refuses to stop at any of them, so when we eventually break down I’m severely annoyed. Daniel walks the two miles to the garage we passed not five minutes earlier alone while I sit stewing in the car. When he does finally arrive back, he fills the car up and we’re on our way again. Neither of us speaking to each other. It’s the first time being in Daniel’s company isn’t easy, and even worse, isn’t wanted.

  When we get back to Daniel’s, I head upstairs to pack up my things, ready to put an end to the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I carry my things down the stairs and place them by the door. I can feel his eyes on me from the kitchen but I ignore them. Mentally slapping myself, I walk into the kitchen and stand, waiting for him to turn around again and face me.

  “I’m going to go home.” I tell him.

  “I thought we were going for dinner?” he turns around and his face is tense.

  “We were, but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

  “So what? You leave, with this,” he waves his hand around between us, “This air of tension, bad feeling, whatever this thing is right now and wait for it to pass? That won’t work for me.”

  “Well, I’m sorry it won’t work for you. But maybe it’s not about you.”

  “Don’t do that, don’t make out this is about you or about me. This is about us.”

  “No, it’s about you. It’s about you wanting something from me that I can’t give you!”

  “It's not about that, Katie!” Daniel raises his voice and it shocks me so much I take a step back.

  “Then what is it about, Daniel?” I yell back.

  “It's about you being unable to get over your guilt for having feelings for me. For wanting to be with me. For us being in a relationship with each other.” he turns and walks around the table, grabbing fistfuls of his hair.

  “Guilt? Is that what this is? Guilt?”

  “Yes. Guilt at feeling something for someone who isn't your husband!”

  “Daniel, what I feel is so much more than guilt! It's soul destroying. It’s all consuming and it's driving me insane!”

  “You don't need to do this to yourself, over and over and over. I've told you, Ginny has told you. There is nothing wrong in feeling again. Nothing at all.”

  “Don't bring Ginny into this. Are you two best friends now? Or is that Ryan? You know he was Richard's best friend? Since school? Does that make it better or worse for you?”

  What has got in to me? Where is this venom coming from? Why am I yelling at the one person I just want to hold me. Why can’t I stop telling him these awful things?

  “Of course I know that,” Daniel replies, so much calmer than me, “We share a common interest. We've become close since you and I... Is that a problem?”

  “Of course it isn't. I love that you're friends, I'm sorry.” I whisper, dropping into one of the dining room chairs.

  Daniel comes to kneel in front of me and takes my hands in his. They are big and strong and warm and the feel of them, so comforting, makes me lose it. I don't stop the tears that fall. My emotions are hot wired to my tear ducts and right now, I have a lot of emotions running through my body. His big hand wipes away the tears and he waits. Always so patient, he waits for me to calm down before he speaks.

  “You have to get past this guilt, Katie. It's eating you up inside. We've said we love each other. We've shared a bed and made love together in it. We’ve been away, we’ve shared countless intimate moments together and the majority of them haven’t been while we’ve been naked but when we’ve bared our souls to each other. I've told you, you're my light.” he presses a kiss to my forehead and I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

  “You're my warmth.” I whisper.

  “I know it hurts, I know it's difficult to be with me and still think of him. I know that especially now with the date looming over you, it hurts. But I'm not asking you to forget. I'm just asking for you to make a little space for me in your heart, give me a little space and I'll wait and grow there till you're ready for me to take root in a bigger part of your life. Just please, please don't push me away.”

  “I'm sure I'm going to mess this up, Daniel. I'll push you away and I'll say horrible things when I'm scared and trying to work it out. You deserve better than that. Better than someone whose heart lives in the past.” I sob.

  “Your heart doesn't live in the past, beautiful Katie. I can wait. I will wait. As long as it takes. I want to be with you. I've never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with you.”

  “She told me that I was selfish, Daniel. She told me, she couldn’t understand how I could move on so quickly after losing someone as amazing as Richard. She told me it hasn’t even been a year yet.” I sob.

  “I don’t even know who she is, but she is wrong.” he tells me, cupping my face.

  “What if she is right?”

  “She isn’t. I’ve told you hundreds of times, those who love you will never judge you. Those who care understand.”

  “You understand, you always understand,” I pull him closer to me, burying my face in his neck, “You always understand and I don’t deserve you.”

  “Katie, you deserve the moon, the stars, the whole world. You deserve everything good. You deserve a whole lot more than I can possibly give you. I hope I’m enough.”

  “You are everything to me, Daniel. Everything.”

  * * *

  I don’t want to be here and I don't want Daniel to be here either. There have been so many times in the past year I've just wanted to curl i
nto a ball and go to sleep and I didn't particularly care if I woke up again. That all changed when Daniel came into my life, things got easier, brighter, lighter. But now, on the anniversary of the accident, the anniversary of the day that changed my life forever, I want to be alone. I don’t want to have to make conversation with anyone. I want to crawl into bed and stay there until the pain passes and the date has gone.

  Instead I’m sitting at Richard’s grave with Daniel sitting in his car waiting for me, for as long as it takes for me to say what I need to say. He wouldn’t let me come alone, but he won’t join me here either. I’ve been here for an hour and so far, all I’ve managed to say is I miss you over and over again, every other word seeming to get stuck in my throat. It’s hopeless. It’s painful and I want it to stop but I know I have to talk to him before I leave. If there is even a small chance he will hear me, I have to talk.

  “Rich… Today is such an awful day for me.” I sob, trying to calm my breathing.

  “Where are you right now?” I turn my face to the sky and close my eyes, “Are you with Poppy? Have you met her? Please look after her.”

  I take a deep breath, trying to get the words I need to say past my lips, but they don’t seem to want to come out. I look behind me, to where I can feel Daniel’s gaze on me. I know he wants to hold me, to make this all okay.

  “I’m sorry if Daniel being here upsets you, Rich, but I need him. I need him so much, I need him as much as I need the air I breathe and the food I eat. He has healed me. He has created a world, a life for me when I was so sure mine had ended when yours did.”

  I close my eyes and let the memories I created with Richard play out before me. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but Daniel’s memories play there too. I find my mind is full of love and kindness, of laughter and joy and nothing, not even one of them is tinged with sadness. Your mind is a funny thing, I was told once, when you look back on painful times in your life, you find you forget the sadness, you forget the pain and you are left with the happy memories, the joyful things you did. They were right. I remember every good moment I ever shared with Richard because out of everything those are the memories I treasure, those are the memories that mean everything.

  “I love him, Richard. I love him so much and it hurts me to say that to you, but I have to tell you. I told you before I wasn’t sure what I felt, but I know now that it’s love. It’s different to what you and I shared, but it’s love, it’s all consuming love and I know, I know you made it happen,” I wipe my tears, “All you ever wanted was for me to be happy, all you ever wanted was to see me smile and I believe, I really, really believe, you sent Daniel to me, to make me smile.”

  I look over my shoulder and Daniel is looking my way, his eyes glassy and sad. I raise my hand and wave him forward. I need to introduce him, I need to show Richard who he sent me, the kind, good, loving man I’m going to spend my life with. On today, of all days, I need to show Richard how thankful I am that he sent Daniel to me, that his final gift to me is one I’m so thankful for. I hear his footsteps beside me and I hold out my hand. He takes it and kneels beside me, saying nothing but offering his support.

  “Richard, this is Daniel. I know you know him, you sent him to me,” I look over and see a tear roll down Daniel’s cheek, “He is my life now. My angel. Please look over us and know, I miss you and I always will. It might seem fast, it might even seem like I can’t possibly have loved you if I could fall in love again so quickly, but it’s because of that love, because of your love for me that I can, that I have. Thank you, thank you for my Daniel, Richard. I love you.”

  Daniel wraps me in his arms and lets me cry. He soothes me and tells me he understands, that he wishes he could take away the pain I’m feeling. Doesn’t he understand? By being with me, he is doing exactly that. I have turned a corner today. I have said goodbye to my past and walked with my head held high into my future. Daniel is my future. Daniel is always going to be my future. Now it’s time to see what that future holds for us both.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Life does get easier again. When the anniversary has passed, I feel closer to Daniel than I ever have before. A bond was formed that day that will never be broken, a bond so strong, it can survive anything life has to throw at it. I’m sure of this, I feel it in the place I feel everything with Daniel. In my heart. When I get home after visiting Richard’s grave, I do something I haven’t been ready to do before now, something I didn’t want to do before now. I remove my wedding and engagement ring. I’ve decided to move on, to leave my life with Richard in the past and focus on my future and I can’t do that while I’m still wearing Richard’s rings. It isn’t fair to Daniel, it isn’t fair to us as a couple. When I slip them off and place them in my jewellery box, amongst the other treasures Richard had given me in our time together, I feel an overwhelming wash of grief for my old life. Then I remember, I have a life to live now, and that life is with Daniel.

  In the weeks that pass, our routine slowly sorts itself out. It breaks my heart to have to give up volunteering, but with work getting busier it just isn’t possible to keep the commitment. The solace and comfort I once found there I realise is Daniel and I have Daniel in my life all the time. We continue to work out our relationship, to learn about each other, to work out what makes each other tick, each others likes and dislikes. We go on dates as the two of us and dates with Ginny and Ryan. We spend most evenings together and usually sleep at Daniel’s, the memories of Richard at my house sometimes still too powerful for me. When Daniel is needed to go away to Germany for work and I’m unable to join him, I find the distance does wonderful things for our relationship, our reunion after a week away is one that takes us both by surprise. We are growing stronger as each day passes, I feel more in love with him and I know he feels the same.

  Today, we are going to Ginny and Ryan’s for lunch. I’m sitting in Daniel’s reading room, reading a book on my kindle that I just can’t put down, the fictional world sucking me in completely, when he walks in. He just walks into the room, wearing simple enough jeans and a blue jumper. He stops just inside the door and looks at me. Just a look. Nothing more. But in that look, he seduces me so completely, one look from those blue eyes and I’m a hot flustered mess. I put down my kindle and I go to him. I wrap my arms around his strong shoulders and I kiss him with everything I have. I kiss him so he has no reason to question my utter devotion to him.

  “What was that for?” he asks, pulling back a little breathless.

  “Just because, I need you to know what you do to me.”

  “Is it because I’m wearing blue?” he asks, one eyebrow lifting comically.

  “Yes,” I grin, “It’s because you’re wearing blue.”

  “I thought so, this is my lucky jumper.”

  “Your lucky jumper?”

  “It’s the exact jumper I was wearing the day I met you, and look how well that turned out for me.” he traces my nose with his finger then kisses the very tip of it.

  “I think I won the prize that day, Daniel.”

  “Oh no, you’re definitely the prize.”

  I look into his blue eyes and fall in love with him, all over again, right there and then. Daniel really is incredible, so beautiful inside and out. He reaches for my hand and we just stand there, gazing at each other, both of us I’m sure wondering how we got so lucky as to find each other.

  “Shall we get going?” Daniel asks, breaking the spell we’re under, “We don’t want to be late.”

  “No, we really don’t. Ginny would actually kill us I think.”

  “Maim probably, I don’t think she is the murdering type.” he chuckles as we walk out of the house and to his car.

  “I don’t know, you’ve never been late for lunch when she’s spent hours preparing it.”

  “Have you?”

  “No, don’t be ridiculous, I don’t want to poke the bear!” I laugh.

  “You’re so funny,” he sighs, “I love you so much, Katie.” he leans over and p
resses his lips to mine.

  “Stop that or we will be late!” I groan into his warm mouth.

  “Noted,” he grins pulling back, “I blame you, you tempt me all the time.”

  “Likewise, Mr Lambert.”

  The drive to Ginny’s doesn’t take long at all and when I knock on the door, Ryan opens it grinning past me to Daniel. It makes my heart feel full that Daniel and Ryan have formed a friendship as important and strong as Ryan’s friendship with Richard, maybe even stronger. A relationship that has healed what losing his childhood friend did to Ryan.

  “Munchkin and the Jolly Blonde Giant are here!” he calls back to Ginny.

  “Such a greeting,” I sigh, pushing past my friend, “I’ll remember to greet you in much the same way next time you come over.”

  “She complains, but I know she loves it!” Ryan tells Daniel.