Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

“Merry fucking Christmas,” I whispered.

  I popped a kiss in my mouth and stared at my sisters.

  “I can’t hate you,” I finally said. “One because you’re my family and two because you did what you did to help me. He did help me. I hate to say it but he did. I didn’t think about hurting myself. I was happy. I looked forward to tomorrow.” I wiped away a tear before more came out. “But I’m hurt. I was weak and lost and I wanted to die. It was my decision and you guys judged me for it. I didn’t want help because I didn’t care. You guys forced me into something I didn’t want to do. Look where I am now. Not only am I hurt but I’m heartbroken. I trusted Logan. I was falling for that asshole. I can’t be happy because nothing ever works out right. If you guys didn’t go behind my back, we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be crying. Feeling lonely and lost. Again.”

  The cycle started over again.

  I lost someone. I’m hurting. I don’t know how to move on.

  “You’re not lonely,” Matty said leaning against the doorjamb. I looked up at him, his eyes holding mine. “And judging by the number of times that guy calls, he doesn’t want you to think you are either.”

  “Don’t mention him around me,” I said. “I’m serious.”

  He can keep his damn blue eyes, that sexy fucking smile, those kissable lips and himself in general, in Maryland. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to hear his name anywhere.

  I can’t hate my family but Logan is a different story.

  He used me in the worst way. He went behind my back and crept into my life. I opened up and gave him a part of me that I never gave anyone. I told him I was falling in love with him. I believed he was too.

  I guess it was just sex.

  That’s all men want from me.

  I’m not dateable. I’m not the girl you bring home to meet your parents. I’m not even the girl you leave your animals with. I’m the girl you stay away from because I’m bad news. I’m the girl that gets into trouble. I’m the girl your parents use as an example to stay clear of and find a girl with clean skin, a nice mouth and manners.

  No one wants to date a bitch.

  You just fuck them.

  “Hey,” Dad said as he walked into my room. Remy leaned on the opposite side of the door with a sad smile. I would totally kick him in the nuts if Jacky didn’t love him so much. He was in on it too. He kept it a secret. I treat him like family and he went behind my back. “The tree is still up. Would you like to throw that across the room?”

  “Haha,” I said tracing a finger along the side of the picture frame in my hands. We look so happy. I want that.

  I want to be happy again.

  “How about cake? Can we throw cake at each other?” I asked. I know they have my birthday cake ready. They mentioned it.

  “No,” Remy said. “I spent two hours icing it.”

  I gave him a look and everyone followed. “Are you sure you shouldn’t be dating Toby instead of Jacky?” I joked.

  “It’s a penis cake,” he said throwing his hands up, trying to defend his masterpiece.

  That doesn’t make it any better.

  “You better go downstairs and change that cake,” Dad said pointing at Kelsey. “She is not having a piece of it the way it is.”

  “I can have the tip,” Kelsey said smiling. She knows what she’s doing. Dad’s going to explode. Everyone burst out laughing as Dad’s eyes widened. He looks like he just got hit by a car but the moment got paused.

  “Baby girl, you’ll want the whole thing,” Jacky winked.

  “Jacky!” Dad said, getting redder.

  “And you’ll want to scream until the neighbors tell you–”

  “Jacqueline,” Dad said pointing a finger at her. “Stop.”

  Ooh, this is good. Dad is getting embarrassed and Kelsey is loving it.

  Jacky laughed and nudged Kelsey’s arm. “Dad will have a heart attack when you have sex. I suggest you don’t tell him until you’re five guys in. That’s what I did,” she said.

  “Wait…” Dad said. “You said Remy was your first.”

  We’re the weird family that knows this kind of shit.

  “Mr. Lennox, Jacky got around before we dated,” Remy said scratching the back of his head.

  “Asshole. Are you calling me a slut?” Jacky asked giving him the death stare. “Because you got a piece of the cake. You’re still eating the cake.”

  “Gross. No. Don’t,” Matty said waving a hand around. “Stop the sex talk. Can we eat cake now? Oh, god. Now the penis cake makes me want to vomit. Let’s go…eat something.”

  “Out,” Jacky and I said together.

  Everyone got it except for Kelsey. That’s okay, she doesn’t need to know what getting eaten out is just yet.

  We headed downstairs and tried to salvage the broken birthday/Christmas spirit. Toby and Peyton came over and it kind of made things better. I lost one Williams but I still have another.

  Alice will always be with me.

  - 18 -

  Winter break should have been me relaxing and not worrying about classes, exams and other shit. Instead, I was constantly thinking about someone. Two to be exact. Logan and Alice. And I couldn’t stop. I know Logan’s back from Maryland. He came by the day after my birthday. I kind of used my suicidal tendencies to my advantage and told everyone that if they let him into the house, I will end my life. Slitting my own wrist in the bathroom months earlier made them believe me.

  New Years is in four days. And the trial is in a week.

  When I’m not thinking about that two-timing asshole, I’m thinking about Alice. My mind is constantly working that I can’t sleep. I don’t even know what time it is but I know it’s late. There isn’t a lot of noise outside so that means no one is walking around.

  When something hit my window, my eyes widened and my body tensed. It snowed last night but there isn’t much wind to make it fly off the roof or trees around the house.

  I heard another sound and then something sliding.

  Oh. My. God.

  I reached for Hunter’s arm slowly and got ready to whip it. I can scream, get everyone to wake up and run. I’ll kick this person’s ass if necessary. Footsteps were on the floorboards and they came closer. Shit. They’re coming to my bed. I stared at the shadow on my wall getting bigger as the footsteps got closer.

  And then the bed dipped.

  Um…okay…

  I grabbed Hunter and whipped him forward as I shot up and landed a hit somewhere. I heard a grunt, a ‘fuck’ and then my light turned on.

  “Shit, Rebeckah, it’s just me,” Logan said holding his jaw.

  “What the fuck are you doing climbing in through my window?” I snapped, completely baffled that he came in through my window! “And why are you here? Get out.” I grabbed my comforter and covered my breasts. I’m only in a bra and shorts. I wasn’t in the mood to put on more clothes after my shower.

  “You know why I’m here,” Logan said walking over to me, nothing friendly about the way he’s looking at me. “And I’m your stalker. You shouldn’t be surprised that I got in through the window.” Most girls would love seeing this. I’m not most girls.

  “You’ll be surprised when I throw you out of it.”

  Logan raised an eyebrow at me then sat on my bed.

  “Get the fuck out of my room,” I said climbing out of bed so I don’t have to see him. “And I suggest you use the door so I don’t push you out.” I glanced at him over my shoulder to see if he was moving. He wasn’t. “I’m serious. Go.”

  “No.”

  What?!

  “Um, this is my room,” I said turning and placing a hand on my hip. I’ll throw him out. I will. I don’t care if it’s childish.

  His eyes traveled over my body. I didn’t move. This guy has seen me naked. I don’t give a shit if he sees me like this now.

  “I’m not leaving until you hear me out,” he said, standing.

  “Oh, should I hear your side of the story?” I asked. “My dad di
dn’t want me to die. He bumped into you. You used me. I found out. We’re done. It’s simple. Now get out of my room.”

  “I didn’t use you.” He walked up to me. “I–”

  “You knew!” I spat, and then remembered it’s really late at night so I kept my voice down but kept the edge in it. “You knew I was more fucked up than what I was putting on and you still tried to get me to talk. You annoyed the shit out of me. You made me want to kill myself.” That’s a lie. I just want him to go. But he’s not fucking moving!

  “I stayed because I didn’t want you to hurt yourself,” Logan said grabbing my arms. “I never met you before the first day of school. Your dad bumped into me and I guess he knew I knew Victor so he thought it would be perfect. He wanted you to get help but you’re so fucking stubborn, Rebeckah. You’d rather kill yourself than get help.”

  I shoved him away from me but he grabbed onto my arms even tighter. “Call it selfish but the moment I laid eyes on you, I didn’t want to let you go. It was never fake for me. I never saw you as someone I needed to change.”

  “You saw me as someone to fuck,” I muttered.

  He blew out a breath and slipped his hands up my arms until he was holding my head, making me look at him. “I saw you as someone to love,” he said softly, holding my eyes and trying to get me to believe that bullshit.

  Love. I mentally rolled my eyes at that one.

  Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be loved because I’m too damaged. I always will be. A piece of paper deserves more love than I do. In a way it does get more. People recycle paper. They think about it and set it aside from the trash pile. Me…well I’m just fucked then dumped into the trash.

  And I want it that way.

  I don’t get hurt that way.

  I squared my eyes on Logan and pushed every emotion I ever felt out of my head. I will not love, care or hurt. I will just…be. Someone like me will always be tossed around. I’m just taking control of when that happens.

  “I had sex with Jon,” I lied. “Christmas Eve.”

  Logan’s hands loosened around my neck as his eyes stared into mine. I wish I knew what he was thinking but I don’t care.

  “Don’t do that,” he said. “Don’t shut down on me.”

  Fuck! Why is he still here?!

  “Ugh!” I turned around and walked over to my dresser. I thought I could do it. I thought I could not care. I can’t. Not with him looking at me the way he is. Every fucking emotion is crashing into me like a wrecking ball hitting a wall. “Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?” I asked, grabbing a tank top and slipping it on. “I honestly don’t know why you’re here trying to explain shit to me when I don’t care. I slept with someone else already. Does that show you how much you mean to me?”

  Logan’s jaw clenched and his hands turned into fists at his sides as he looked away from me. I know he’s trying to keep it in. I don’t want him to. I want him to snap. I want him to leave. I want him to hate me.

  “Not even an hour after I told you we were done, I walked up to him, kissed him and we headed to a hotel. It was a memorable birthday.” I even added a smile at the end of saying that. I’m a bitch. I’m a fucking crazy, heartless bitch. “While you were on a plane heading back home, I was having sex with–”

  “Stop!” Logan said, grabbing me and pushing me against the dresser. Jesus, this should hurt but it feels…good. “God, Rebeckah, I know I fucked up but I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to tell you but you were happy. You stopped thinking about hurting yourself and I didn’t want to break that.”

  “I’m unstable, Logan. And you were just thinking about yourself. You didn’t believe in me. If you did, you would have told me.” He didn’t say anything because he thought I’d break and start having the bad thoughts. He doubted me.

  “I was going to,” he said leaning into me, his mouth an inch from mine. I hear his heavy breathing, his heartbeat, my heartbeat. We’re too close. “I did something for your birthday and I was going to tell you afterwards. I didn’t want you to hate me. It’s fucking selfish but I just wanted you to be okay.”

  “It’s a little late, don’t you think?” I asked. “Me hating you.”

  Those hypnotizing blues held my dark ones and they seemed to dig deeper than I wanted them.

  “You said you never would.”

  My breath caught when I thought about that day. It was just a few days ago and I was happy. So much changed. How can so much change in so little time? Why does my life always have to go through this?

  “I lied.” That’s a lie.

  I fucking want to punch him so hard right now but thinking about it breaks my heart. I don’t want to hurt him.

  “That’s a lie,” Logan said. “Just like you and Jon having sex.”

  My eyes dropped to the floor when he looked so sure. Goddammit how does he know? I really thought that would work.

  “We almost did, okay,” I said, looking up at him. He smiled. “Don’t smile because I practically begged him to fuck me.” Smile faded. “He just didn’t want to because it felt weird.”

  Jon and I were getting in the mood and it was fun but when the condom went on, he froze. Jon literally stared at me for a full minute before he said he couldn’t do it. Not because he wasn’t ready, he definitely was, but because he spent so many years thinking about me that when the moment actually presented itself, it felt wrong. And Logan had to pop up into the conversation. My fucking ex-boyfriend cockblocked me during rebound sex and he wasn’t even there.

  “You had two days to grab some poor guy off the street,” Logan said, sliding his thumb across my cheek. “You didn’t.” Should I feel insulted? For him thinking I’d pick a guy off the street?

  “Because I was thinking about Alice.” Shit. I did not just bring Alice into this conversation. Oh…that’s right. He already knows about her. I never told him but he knows everything.

  “What about her?”

  I turned and stared at a wall while I ran my fingers through my hair. I pulled on large chunks until my scalp hurt but it didn’t work. The tears came anyways.

  “The trial starts in a week,” I said. “I have to see them. I have to talk about it.” I’ll relive seeing her dying in front of me.

  I heard Logan right behind me and I knew he was going to wrap his arms around me. He always holds me when he can. And right now, I don’t want to step away. I want him to touch me. I want him to hold me. I’m falling and he promised he wouldn’t let that happen.

  His arms reached out to me slowly, testing whether this is fine or not. When I didn’t move, he slid his hands around my arms and pressed his chest into my back. I don’t need to look back to know he has that cocky fucking smile on his damn kissable lips. He won.

  “But you won’t talk about all of it,” he said. It didn’t click until he said, “You could have possibly been raped.”

  I tensed in his arms then turned around. His hands never fell from me. They’re now on my hips, shooting a spark through my entire body, igniting me.

  “The case has nothing to do with me. It’s about Alice. And I wasn’t pregnant so I don’t know if they raped me. I was really depressed and stressed. That was why I didn’t get my period.” At least that’s why I’m saying it was. Still am. “And they have evidence of me fucking one of them in the alley. It won’t stand up in court anyways. Alice’s parents would love to make me involved in her death. They’ll twist it into a lover’s quarrel ending in murder or something.”

  “Rebeckah, you thought you were pregnant so you tried to end your life,” Logan said slowly so every word got through. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I thought about something.

  “Did you know?” I asked. I took a shaky breath and caught his eye. “Did you know about that?” Logan nodded. Thanks, Dad. You really spilled the beans on this one.

  “Awesome,” I said dropping my eyes to his chest. He pulled me closer, his arms and body swallowing me whole. I closed my eyes and sank into him. “So does this mea
n you won’t throw me out of the window?”

  I pinched his side and he laughed.

  “I should probably protect my nuts then.”

  “You’re probably right,” I said.

  We stayed like this for a bit until I pulled away and looked up at him. I can try and say that I hate this guy and his blue eyes are the ugliest thing in the world and he sucks at having sex but I’d be lying.

  Logan Mercer is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was my best mistake. We weren’t supposed to date. We weren’t supposed to get close.

  My family wanted me to get help. I got it. They just didn’t plan on me falling for the guy helping me.

  “Why did you kiss me the first day of school?” I asked, sliding my hand up to touch his lips softly.

  “Because it was the only way to remind myself that I couldn’t have you. I at least wanted something to think about at night.” Logan smiled and shook his head. “That sounded better in my head. Your dad was clear that I can’t touch you but when I met you I knew that would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I thought if I just kissed you, I’d get it over with and we’d part ways after.”

  “Then you did it again.”

  “And you kneed me in the balls.”

  “You asked for it.”

  “Well, I’m sorry you had to be so damn beautiful and such a bitch. And you did ask if I wanted to have sex with you. You have no idea what I was thinking at that point. Then you broke my heart when you said it wasn’t going to happen because you know my name.”

  “You knew my story. You understand why.” I shrugged.

  “Actually, I don’t,” Logan said, brows furrowing. “That’s the one thing I could never really place. You had sex with other guys before and I’m sure you knew their names.”

  I won’t comment on the way his jaw twitched saying that.

  “Alice’s mom said something the night she died,” I whispered. “She said, ‘the next time you have sex, don’t even bother with their name. God knows they won’t remember yours in the morning. You’re worthless.’” Logan’s hands slipped to the side of my neck and into my hair.

  “She sounds like a bitch.” He has no idea. “And you’re not worthless.”