Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  I grabbed a corner of my dresser and threw it down to the floor while I screamed. God, I hate this! I was finally happy. I was finally being me. I grabbed the lamp on my nightstand and threw it against the wall. Keep throwing shit, Becka. You need to let it out. You always hold it in. Let it out. Break shit. Watch things shatter just like you are.

  I kicked my bed hard and watched the leg slide across the floor, scratching the hardwood floor. I could break the damn thing if I wanted. Rip the mattress apart and break everything.

  “Becka, open the door,” Jacky pleaded. “Please.”

  “Leave me alone!” I shouted. “I’m finally letting shit out. You ruined my night. My life. All of you are assholes,” I said taking a breath. “I was right to try and kill myself. That was the best thing I ever did. You should have been happy. I was feeling something enough to act on it,” I yelled. “For the first time in my life, I felt in control and you took that from me. All of you.”

  I grabbed my bed and flipped it over. It didn’t satisfy my need so I walked over to my closet and started throwing clothes. There’s nothing better than destroying a room of a destroyed soul.

  “I didn’t need help!” I yelled, staring at my wrist. Staring at the latest tattoo I got with Alice in mind. “I loved her and she was ripped from me. What would you feel if Remy died in front of you, Jacky? Suicide will probably be at the top of your list to see him again.”

  “I didn’t want to lose you!” Jacky yelled. “Every day you were slipping from reality. I wanted you back. Dad ran into Logan and we made a deal. You needed help, Becka. You were going to die.”

  “Stop treating me like a fucking child!” I snapped, pulling on my hair. “I’m twenty-two tomorrow, it’s my life. Whatever I want to do is my business. If I want to off myself then so be it. I don’t want to ruin your lives by having you look over your shoulder every minute to make sure I didn’t grab a knife and stab myself,” I growled as I thought about it. “I thought I was pregnant! I don’t know if I was raped! I’m broken, Jacky! Fucking sue me if I feel the need to slit my wrists.”

  I walked over to the window and threw it open.

  I’m acting like a child but I need to keep breaking things. I’m hurt and I don’t want to keep it in anymore. I’m done locking everything inside.

  “Rebeckah, please let me explain,” Logan said behind the door. I stopped with one leg outside and one inside my room as I heard his voice. I’m fucking stupid for thinking about walking over to the door and throwing my arms around him to kiss him.

  “I never want to see you again,” I spat, throwing my other leg outside. I climbed down the house like I always did when I was younger and crept around the house until my heels hit the sidewalk. I walked in the shadows with my arms crossed over my chest as I tried to keep myself warm.

  I made it near Jon’s house when I saw him and Adam walking toward a car. Victor was driving. I jogged up to them and faked a smile.

  “Are you going anywhere special?” I asked. “Christmas party? Bar? Fuck some girls?”

  “Do you want to come?” Adam asked opening the door.

  I smiled and got in. They didn’t complain or ask what is wrong so I didn’t bring it up. I sat in the car and watched Jon watch me every few seconds from the side mirror.

  I know it’s not the right thing to do but Logan lied to me. He used me. He took advantage of me. My family made him be with me. I’m done with him and everything that involves him.

  I caught Jon’s eye and winked at him.

  He smiled and looked away.

  Yeah, I’m not thinking of killing myself. I’m thinking about being the old Rebeckah. The one that fucks everyone. Logan did help me but he broke me just as much. I won’t kill myself over a guy or what he did to me. I won’t kill myself over Logan.

  It’s my birthday in six hours.

  I’m going to forget about everything and have fun. I’m going to be the Rebeckah that has been hiding for eight months.

  I’m going to be the Rebeckah my family lost and wanted back.

  - 17 -

  I should have never gotten in the car with Victor because Aimee called him and he caved five seconds later. She asked if I was with him. I pinched him and gave him the death stare but he gave me puppy-dog eyes and said yes. That wasn’t it. We drove up to a club and the second we passed the long line, Aimee was there. With Logan.

  “Rebeckah, just hear me out. It’s not–”

  I shoved Logan out of my way and walked into the crowded area, pushing my way through dancing bodies. I should have known Victor would have driven here. Aimee told him to come.

  A hand snaked around my wrist and pulled me back.

  “Just listen!” Logan yelled over the music. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to get it out in the open the day Victor came by but you fell asleep and…it was your mom’s funeral. I didn’t have the heart to do it.”

  “Victor knows?” I asked, feeling utterly betrayed. I remember that night. He came in talking about a deal. He knows. And he didn’t tell me!

  My eyes found Logan’s and I growled as I pushed him away from me. I can’t believe I growled but it came out. Logan grabbed my hands and pushed me against him.

  “I’m sorry but your father was worried about you,” he said, his eyes trying to plead with me. “I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t.”

  I grabbed his hands and leaned into him.

  “It’s what you didn’t say that ended this,” I said dryly. “Go home.”

  I pushed on his chest lightly and walked away.

  As much as I hate him right now, I want to cry in the bathroom and let him hold me. I’m a fucking pathetic girl. And I have a heart. Ugh!

  He can go back to Maryland. I don’t want him here.

  I found Victor ordering a drink at the bar. He took one look at me and turned around. My fingers grabbed his shirt and I pulled him into a private corner.

  “How did you find out?” I snapped.

  He went wide-eyed and stared at his drink for a few seconds before looking up at me and saying, “Adam and I were walking by your house when your brother and Finn walked out. We followed them and Logan’s name came out. I made them talk.” Can this get any better? “I went by Logan’s place to tell him to stop it because you’re not in the place for bullshit. He said he was going to tell you but he needed time.”

  I rolled my eyes and walked away.

  I’m sick of people hiding shit from me. They want me to bear my soul to them but they can hide important details from me. It’s not fair!

  I let the music drown out everyone’s voice. Whenever I saw anyone coming near me, I turned and moved to a new spot. Grinding against drunk men is just as fun as it used to be. Al should be proud. I’m me again. She’s the only person who accepted me the way I was.

  As I got my ass rubbed against someone’s hard-on, my eyes found Jon, drinking a beer. I straightened up and let the hands on my hips fall. The guy behind me told me to come back but my legs kept moving until I was standing in front of him.

  “Do something for me,” I said grabbing the hand holding Jon’s beer, not once breaking eye contact.

  “Anything,” Jon said eyeing me up and down.

  “Be with me for my birthday.”

  His eyes held mine as his lips dropped into a line.

  “What?” he asked. I gave him a look. He heard me. I don’t have to repeat myself. “Becka, you’re with Logan.”

  I shook my head as I stepped closer. “Not anymore,” I said into his ear. I slid my hand up his arm and stopped at his neck. “Are you going to deny the birthday girl her only present?” It’s pathetic how I’m acting. But this is me. It’s who I always was.

  Jon gripped my hip as he pulled back to stare at me.

  “I know you’ve liked me, Jon,” I said dropping my eyes. “And I’m sorry for running out on you the way I did in the summer. But that won’t happen now.” I licked my lips and caught his eye. “I won’t run.”

  We stared at each o
ther. Jon trying to see if I’m fucking with him. I’m not. I want to get out of here. I want to forget about Logan.

  “Don’t run.”

  I nodded.

  The look in his eyes is almost sad. It’s like he’s thinking about that day and trying to understand why I ran. Why I freaked. It’s because his fingers reminded me of Alice. The way she touched me was the only thing I saw when he did it. I’m past it now. Logan has been touching me and I never freaked. He helped there.

  I leaned into Jon and pressed my lips against his. His hands wrapped around me and pulled me into his hard body.

  I want to forget…everything. And just be me.

  It hurts feeling.

  I never want to open up because of this.

  I’m just…here.

  This is me.

  We weaved our way through the bodies and headed outside. A taxi picked us up and we headed to the nearest hotel. There is no way I’m going home or we’re going back to his parents’ place. I don’t care if his part of the house is away from everyone else. I want to be alone in a room where no one will come in.

  ***

  “I didn’t purposely reject you. I just didn’t want to go to prom,” I said glancing at Jon. The sunlight is keeping the room bright so I have to squint a few times when I look his way. And Jon does look nice with the sun hitting his bare skin.

  Too bad we didn’t do anything…

  “Who doesn’t want to go to prom?” Jon asked furrowing his brows. “Girls literally cry when they don’t have someone to go with.”

  “I stayed home and watched TV with Kelsey and Matty because the divorce was getting worse,” I said, shrugging. “I didn’t want to be around people.” Jon’s eyes held mine and I knew he’d say something about my sob story so I glanced away and played with the sheets. “Jacky was in college and she had Remy so she didn’t see how bad things got.”

  “Do you want a prom?”

  “I stopped wanting things a long time ago.”

  “Becka.” Jon grabbed my chin and turned my head toward him. “People would do anything for you. Is it so hard to believe that you’re special?” Yes, it is.

  “People lie to me, use me and hate me. What’s special about that?” I asked. “I don’t ask for things because if someone asks for something from me, I will disappoint them. I always do.” I sank into the bed and sighed. “My life sucks but there are people who have it worse than me. Might as well I suck it up and just deal with it.”

  “Start wanting things, Becka,” Jon said touching my arm softly. “Sometimes the best way to live is to want something.”

  I turned on my side and stared at him.

  “I’ve wanted one thing my whole life.”

  “What is it?”

  For someone to hold me. Want me. Never let me fall. I just want to be someone’s other half. I want someone to wake up in the morning and think of me. Not thinking I’ll end up offing myself. To think of a way to get me to smile.

  That’s the girliest shit I’ve ever thought in my life.

  “I always wanted someone to want me.”

  “That’s what everyone wants,” Jon said pulling me into him, chest to chest, not leaving any space to breathe. “But you’re a pain in the ass. You make it hard for people to stay.”

  “I know,” I said chewing on my lip. “I can’t help it.”

  Jon started tickling my side as he pulled away. “Don’t push people out. Let them in. It’s Christmas, Becka. Give everyone what they want.” He held my eyes for a bit then said, “Give them a Becka who wants to live.”

  “It’s my birthday too,” I said. “Are we just going to stay in bed and do nothing?” I’m changing the subject because I need to. I can’t give people what they want when I don’t even know what I want. I do want to live but I don’t know how I want to live. Will I be the Becka that lets people in or will I be the Becka who shuts people out and doesn’t care about things so she doesn’t get hurt?

  I don’t know.

  I’m scared to find out.

  ***

  Destroying your room, breaking up with your boyfriend, screaming secrets out to your family and turning your phone off while you’re alone with someone–who’s not the boyfriend you just dumped–in a hotel room is not a good idea. It felt good at the time but then it hits you and you hate yourself.

  I was out of control.

  And my family stayed up all night looking for me.

  That’s what hit me the hardest.

  Kelsey came home not knowing what the hell happened and then she was dragged into my mess. I ruined their Christmas. I ruined my birthday.

  I’m sitting on the couch with my family across from me, giving me the death glares. I can’t blame them. I lost it.

  “This wouldn’t have happened if you told me Logan was using me,” I said, trying to sound calm so they don’t start yelling. “Breaking up with someone is hard. Breaking up with them because they were lying the whole time is harder.”

  It doesn’t justify my actions but they had a part in this too.

  “You never said you two were dating,” Jacky snapped.

  I looked up at her and took in her smeared mascara and wild hair. She always looks perfect. Now she looks like she went to hell and back, and possibly got hit by a semi-truck on the way there.

  “Have I ever dated anyone?” I asked. “No. This was my first relationship so sorry if I wanted to be in control. For the first time in my life I got to choose what I wanted to do. There were no side effects. I was happy. I was moving on.”

  “That’s what I wanted Logan to help you with,” Dad said leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. “You wouldn’t talk to anyone else. I had to do something.”

  “How did you find him?” I asked, eyeing everyone. It’s hard to think of them as my family since I found out they stabbed me in the back and left me out to dry. “Did you go on Craigslist and put in an ad for someone willing to help a twenty-one-year-old suicidal time bomb? Did you include that if they’re good looking and have a way with words, I’d fuck them for their help?”

  “Birdie, please,” Dad sighed.

  “No,” I said taking a deep breath. “I get that you wanted to help me but you should have told me. You couldn’t possibly think Logan wouldn’t try anything with me. He’s a guy. And he’s not a virgin.”

  You can’t expect a hot as fuck, blue-eyed guy to play nice.

  “He wasn’t supposed to touch you,” Remy said wiping his hand over his jaw, his green eyes hardening. “He was supposed to get you to talk. Open up. It was a bonus that Aimee was in your classes. You’d be around him even more.”

  Unbelievable.

  “Did you pay him?” I asked. I don’t know if that’s worse. Yeah, I think it is. Logan would have accepted money from my family to date me. I feel like an escort. Like a prostitute. I had sex with him.

  “No,” Matty whispered. “Dad just wanted his help. He accepted.”

  “Why?”

  Everyone was quiet.

  “I told him you were unstable…” Dad said dropping his eyes to the coffee table. My jaw dropped. I mean, I know me being unstable was brought up but that look on his face…Dad told him I was unstable and failed a suicide attempt.

  “He knew,” I stated. “He knew everything, didn’t he?”

  I glanced at Kelsey but she shrugged her shoulders.

  “I was in the hospital. I wasn’t included into this until a month later,” she said. She could have told me.

  I thought I was keeping secrets. Logan knew all along.

  I stood up and walked to my room.

  Talking seemed like too much to do. Instead, I started cleaning up my room and ignoring Logan’s calls. I wanted to turn off my phone but Toby called and we’re texting back and forth now. Peyton mentioned that Aimee was trying to stalk the bar while he was over making sure everything is turned off because it’s Christmas and Tim closed the bar.

  He decided to give us a break. And that decision was based on his wi
fe giving him shit for only having two bartenders. Starting January 1st there will be two more. Our hours will be cut down.

  I’m glad they’re getting more people because I have to take the 4th off for the trial and I would feel bad if it was just Peyton working. He did it before but now I know he’s being taken from Toby so I don’t want his life harder than it already is.

  Logan called for the hundredth time and my stupid finger decided to answer it. And my phone froze. I couldn’t end it.

  “Rebeckah?” Logan’s voice filled the room and my heart stopped. “Please don’t hang up.” I can’t at the moment because this stupid phone doesn’t unfreeze! “I have to talk to you. It’s not what it looks like. I didn’t do it for money or anything. I just wanted to help you. But when I saw you that first day something happened. I didn’t play you. It was all–”

  I stuffed my phone under pillows.

  And I sighed in relief.

  When I checked my phone again, it wasn’t frozen so I ended the call.

  Someone knocked on my door. I didn’t answer, they came in. Jacky and Kelsey climbed onto my bed with a gift in their hands. Jacky has a small blue box with a white ribbon and Kelsey has a bigger box with teddy bear gift wrap. God, the teddy bear! I threw Hunter on the floor and never picked him up. I may have choked him out before throwing him down.

  “Don’t hate us, okay. It’s bad enough we let it happen,” Jacky said, handing me the gift. “Happy birthday.”

  Kelsey handed me hers. “Merry Christmas.”

  I opened both of them and stared at the two gifts in my hands. Jacky’s was a box full of Hershey’s kisses. I can’t be that mad at her now. Kelsey’s was a picture frame that read BFF’s. It was a picture of me and Alice laughing as two random guys threw us over their shoulders, the beginning of freshman year. A third guy took the picture because Alice and I looked like we were enjoying the moment. The photo captures us holding hands and staring at each other.

  We look happy. We were alive.