Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  The asshole has my heart.

  Any part I have hiding in my chest.

  One hundred percent.

  “I can’t think of a word,” Aimee mumbled. “Come in.”

  I walked behind her into the big open space with people crowded around a table getting drinks. Oh, good. They’re not looking at me.

  Aimee whistled and stepped to the side.

  Fuck. I know what she’s doing.

  “Someone wanted to start the new year off with a bang,” Aimee smirked, glancing at me. “It’s a shame my brother has dibs. I’d go out of my comfort zone right about now.”

  Kill me now.

  More like drown me in alcohol. They have plenty of it.

  Kevin, Max, Juan and Shaun were busy talking to their dates (just for tonight, they never settle down) but they couldn’t stop looking at me either. Victor’s talking to Caleb and they both seem like they’re in a dream state, and Darren is staring at me like I stepped out of a porn video with his favorite porn star. I feel like I’m being watched under a magnifying glass. Everyone is staring.

  Logan popped out of the kitchen with a chilled bottle of vodka. “Only one I got so–” He stopped short as his eyes took me in. Everyone’s beady eyes disappeared and it was just the two of us.

  Is it wrong to feel special now? Knowing I made an appearance and everyone is looking at me? I didn’t plan on it but it happened. I’m fine because of Logan. He does things to me.

  “This party sucks,” I said glancing around. “No one is moving.”

  “Because they all have boners,” Alyssa said linking her arm through mine. We walked to the right and I caught her eyes travel to my ass. I stopped walking and placed a hand on my hip.

  “You know, I’m more comfortable walking around naked,” I said. “Should I lose the dress?” Alyssa’s eyes widened as she smiled.

  “It’s just weird…your tattoos…they look like they’re coming to life when you walk,” she said pushing my hair to one shoulder. “You never show skin so I’m in awe.”

  “We should go to the pool,” Logan breathed. “It’s heated.”

  He’s lucky his balcony has a pool. And it’s even better that the balcony is closed off so no one can come in or see us.

  I turned his way and gave him a challenging look.

  “You know I’ll drop the dress,” I said. Logan just loves when other people stare at me so I know he won’t accept.

  Kevin’s date, a blonde, stepped forward and slipped off her heels.

  “Are we going?” she asked giving me a teasing smile. Oh, this girl likes them any way. She’s a fun one. I smiled and kicked off my heels, unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor at my feet.

  “Oh sweet Jesus.” Alyssa sucked in a breath beside me.

  I laughed and walked over to the blonde.

  “I have a boyfriend so don’t try anything,” I said winking at her. I have no idea where this playful Rebeckah came out of but it I like it. I feel like the old me. Sort of.

  “Boyfriends are overrated,” she said slipping her hand in mine. “And he doesn’t seem to mine.”

  “I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Logan said, suddenly in front of me. He scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder as he walked to the pool area. My chest knocked into his back more times than I can count but it was his fingers, teasing my thighs, that made my mind draw a blank.

  “You’re still in clothes,” I said swatting Logan’s butt.

  I glanced up and found everyone hopping around as they got out of their clothes. I laughed when Caleb fell over and landed on his ass. Aimee slipped out of her dress and helped him up. I was surprised they didn’t go lock themselves in their room.

  Logan carried me until we made it to the pool. I heard him unzip his jeans then they fell. He set me down on the floor and pulled his shirt off.

  “Why did you want to come to the pool?” I asked him. “What you need is a cold shower.” I feel him pressed against me so I know. He laughed and scooped me back up as he jumped into the pool.

  When I resurfaced, everyone was in the water, splashing each other and laughing. This is a good distraction. This is a good way to end the year and start fresh. Forget Everything.

  I will not forget Alice, though. She’s always in my heart.

  I love you, Becka. Always.

  “Logan,” I looked up into his eyes as I wrapped my legs around him. Say it. Rebeckah, say it. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. Say it. The words want to come out. They want to. I wiped wet hair off his forehead as I tried to say it. If I just tell him, it’ll be easy. I can do it. I can.

  I couldn’t.

  “I know,” Logan said sliding a hand to the side of my face as his blue eyes bore into mine. “I know.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned into him.

  One day I will say it.

  One day he’ll know how much I love him.

  - 20 -

  I can’t do this. I can’t get on that plane. I thought I could but I can’t. My feet are glued to the floor and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I have my head in-between my legs, trying to breathe, but it’s not helping.

  “Birdie, we’re–”

  I glanced up at Dad in the doorway of my room. It’s only seven at night. We have to be on the plane at eight so we can be in Washington on time. Court starts at eight in the morning so we’re staying at a hotel nearby. I can’t do this. Five and a half hours on a plane to go to a place I don’t ever want to go back to.

  Breathe. Count to ten. Breathe.

  My family wants to come and I said it was fine because I thought that would help. They’ll be in the courtroom with me. They know I might explode so they want me to remember that I’ll be okay. I didn’t do this. I never wanted this. I want my best friend back.

  “Everyone is in the car,” he said walking over to the bed.

  “Dad, I don’t think I can do this,” I heaved. “And school starts tomorrow. Matty and Kelsey shouldn’t miss it. Jacky and Remy don’t have to miss work either. And you. You don’t have–”

  “We’re not leaving you behind,” Dad said squeezing my knee. “And we already took care of everything. We’re taking the week off just in case the trial takes longer than expected. We’re here for you, Birdie. We’re not going anywhere.”

  Dammit.

  I cried.

  Hearing that made me breakdown. My family loves me and they want to help. I should let them in and accept it.

  Finally, I got the courage to get up and move.

  When I stepped outside, my breath caught.

  Toby, Peyton, Logan and Aimee are waiting by Logan’s car. Darren and Caleb are beside them like always.

  “Dad, they’re not–”

  “Darren and Caleb are only driving the cars back. The twins kind of already bought the plane ticket and demanded they go with us,” Dad said ushering me down the stairs.

  Hell no. The twins are not going! No, I do not accept that.

  ***

  “Peanuts?” Aimee asked, stretching her hand out to me. I’m gripping the armrest of the plane’s seat with so much strength, I feel my fingernails breaking. The pain doesn’t hurt. I can’t feel anything right now. “Hey, relax, okay. You’ll do fine.”

  I turned in my seat which is beside Remy’s but he went to the bathroom so I have some room now. I glanced over at Aimee and Logan.

  Logan knows my story already. Aimee knows a little.

  “You’re going to hear things that don’t sound like me,” I said to Aimee. “You shouldn’t have come.”

  Aimee dropped the peanuts and grabbed my hand. “This is what friends are for,” she said. “And I doubt there is anything that can change my mind about you. You’re amazing, Becka. Who cares if you’re a slut?” She kissed my cheek and winked at me.

  “You’re going to miss classes,” I said looking at the two.

  “Rebeckah,” Logan said giving me a look. “It doesn’t matter how hard you try to kick us o
ut, we’re not leaving.” I wish he was lying but he’s not. These two are stubborn. It sucks that there’s two of them.

  “Hey, you know what I noticed?” Jacky asked glancing at me from two seats down. “Logan doesn’t call you Becka or anything. He always calls you ‘Rebeckah.’” I noticed that too.

  Aimee smiled when she nudged Logan’s arm.

  “It’s because we had a dog when we were younger named Becka,” Aimee said smiling. “Logan killed it.” Um… Why is she smiling about that?

  “I didn’t kill her,” Logan clarified. “She stole my cake and ate too much of it.” He glanced at me. “I didn’t kill her.” I can’t even picture him harming anything so I believe him.

  “You don’t have a problem calling me Becka,” I said to Aimee.

  “I like calling you my bitch,” she smirked. Kelsey and Matty laughed and Dad had a smile forming on his lips. Remy came back from the bathroom and asked what the laughing was about. Jacky clued him in.

  “You don’t want to call me your bitch?” I joked at Logan.

  “No. I like your name. The spelling is unique,” he said.

  “Ohmygod, son, you’re already sleeping with her. You don’t have to kiss her ass,” Dad said. My jaw dropped as he glanced at me. He did not just say that. “What? It’s true.”

  “You just don’t want other people to take a liking to the name you picked out,” I said, cocking a brow. Dad winked at me telling me I was right.

  I sat back in my seat and took a couple deep breaths.

  That helped me. It got my mind off things.

  “You okay, Becka?” Toby asked leaning over his seat two rows ahead of mine. I nodded and told him to sit back down. The flight attendants already had to tell him three times.

  “You’ll be fine,” Remy said grabbing my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “If you panic, just look at us and take a deep breath.”

  “You have no idea how deadly Toby’s parents are,” I said. “Taking a deep breath might incriminate me in something.” I hope this works out. I want it to be over.

  I took a deep breath and stared ahead.

  Land this plane already. Please. I want to go back home!

  ***

  When the plane landed, I was the first one out and everyone else caught up to me at baggage claim. “Where’s the rental?” I asked anyone listening.

  “Should be out back,” Dad said, staying extra close to me.

  Logan walked up to my other side and slipped his hand in mine. “You’re okay,” he said dropping his head to whisper into my ear. “You’ll do fine.”

  I glanced at him and smiled.

  “Are you going to kiss me?” I asked staring at his lips. He licked them and I groaned. I caught his eye and he winked. My legs almost gave out.

  “Hm, as much I want to, your dad stares at me like he wants to rip me apart so I don’t think I can.”

  “Just do it,” I said smiling. Please.

  Logan’s eyes turned a lighter blue as he stopped walking and slipped his hand to the side of my head. He tilted my head back slowly, leaned in closer and my eyes fluttered closed.

  “Excuse me,” Dad said right beside us.

  “Jesus!” I shrieked when I jumped back. “Dad, stop doing that.”

  He smiled and rolled his eyes. “Fine. Go at it. Meet us outside.” I know it’s because he wants to see me happy. He knows I’m having a hard time coming back here so I need some control. I need to find my ground.

  Logan is that for me.

  He’s keeping me from falling.

  I glanced at Logan and waited.

  “Don’t just stand there.”

  He smiled and went back to what he was doing before my dad interrupted. When his lips met mine, my heart stopped then banged against my chest, beating faster and faster.

  It felt good. It felt really good.

  “Car’s waiting,” Logan said softly as he pulled back, running his thumb along my bottom lip. “Don’t want to keep everyone waiting.” Yes, I do. Because right now it feels right. Once I take a step and head outside, the world will crash back into me and my perfect ten seconds of happiness will be ruined. I want to keep kissing him. He tastes delicious. I want to do more than– “Stop drooling, Rebeckah. We’ll fuck later if you’re thinking about it.”

  Oh. My. God.

  Yes!

  He grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together as we walked to the rental. The hotel is just minutes from the Sea-Tac airport so we got there pretty quick. Any other day, I would have asked my family if they wanted a tour of the city. I can’t do it. UWash is a few minutes from here. All my memories are there.

  Alice is there.

  Everyone got settled into their rooms. We’re low on money so everyone shares a bed except for Dad. He and Matty share a room with their own. Toby and Peyton are together with me and Logan, and Jacky and Remy are rooming with Kelsey and Aimee. It was weird when I heard it but everyone was fine with it. I guess putting me with the two men who literally never stop touching each other was smart. Kelsey doesn’t need to be around them having sex. Our rooms are all together so if we need anything, we just walk to the neighbor and knock.

  I threw myself into bed and fell asleep.

  ***

  I didn’t want to wake up. I forced myself to try and go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I have to get up and I have to get ready. Logan keeps whispering my name in my ear and it’s starting to get annoying. Just a little.

  “I’m up,” I said, pressing my head into the pillow to try and suffocate myself for a bit. It didn’t work. Logan slipped his hand onto my back and I smiled. Damn him and his warm sexy hands. “You can go a little lower.”

  “With Toby and Peyton watching us?” Logan asked. “Maybe next time.”

  I craned my neck and saw the pair sitting on their bed with sad expressions. Shit. I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. “I’m being selfish,” I said to Toby. “I’m sorry.” I just think about me. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to testify. I don’t want to hear what happened to Alice for the hundredth time. But I didn’t think about Toby. This is about his sister. He must not want to go through this again. Especially today.

  “It’s her birthday,” Toby said messing with his cuticles.

  I got out of bed and walked over to him. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him until he couldn’t breathe.

  “She’d be twenty-three,” I said leaning against him. “And most likely drunk off her ass.” Toby tightened his arms around me. We stayed like that for awhile. It hurts to talk about her but that is what keeps her alive in us. “She knows we love her.”

  “We should have a little party,” Peyton said, breaking the silence. “After court.”

  “Don’t say that too loud. My dad might hear,” I teased.

  Not a second later, there’s a knock on the door and it’s Dad. Everyone burst out laughing as I opened the door and let him in.

  “I’m getting ready,” I said. “Give me twenty minutes.”

  - 21 -

  Walking out of the courtroom felt like I got hit in the chest with a metal bat and then got burned alive. The trial is on hold because Jared Kempt and Kenneth Castillo said they would plead guilty only if they spoke to me and only me. Now I’m walking toward a room where they’re being held.

  Fucking A.

  Just one more flight of stairs and I’ll know what the hell they want.

  “Rebeckah!” Mrs. Williams yelled, running toward me and the guard beside me. “You’re not getting away with this! You killed her!”

  The guard started talking to her, trying to keep her from me, but she broke free and she rammed her thin body into mine. This wouldn’t have been a problem if I wasn’t standing at the top of the stairs.

  I only know that I screamed.

  I threw my arms out but I couldn’t grab anything.

  I fell.

  Everything blurred.

  ***

  “It’s nice here, isn’t it?” Alice said g
rabbing my hand. It is because she’s here. We’re in our old dorm room. The beds are unmade, clothes are everywhere, and our laptops are on the floor. I have to clean it. I can’t have a mess. I got up to get started but Ali held me back. “Leave it. I’ll do it.”

  “How?” I asked.

  She smiled and laced her fingers through mine. “I’m dead not stupid.” She rolled her eyes playfully. “And you need to wake up. Everyone is worried.”

  What if I don’t want to wake up? I’m here. With Alice.

  What about Logan?

  “Why are you here?” I love that she is but I’m scared. If I see her does that mean…

  “Don’t be scared,” Alice said turning my face to her. “You’re not hurt. I mean, not enough to die. You have your whole life to live, Becka. Don’t give up now.” As her slender fingers ran over my wrist, tears slid down my cheeks. “I don’t hate you for doing this. I wish I was with you so this never could’ve happened.”

  Me too.

  Losing her…

  “Al, did you love me?” I asked, my voice cracking. Like really love me. The way…the way I love Logan. I don’t know if she just had fun with me.

  “You know I did,” she smirked. “Always.”

  She tapped my wrist and I stared at the tattoo.

  I love you. Always.

  “No, Alice. I mean it,” I said. “You can tell me.”

  Her eyes held mine for the longest time but she remained silent.

  “The boyfriend seems nice. He loves you.” That’s not what I asked. “And he’s fucking sexy. Don’t let him get away.” Al laughed and held her stomach when she couldn’t control herself.

  “What?” I asked, trying to understand why my best friend is going crazy on me.

  She looked at me with wet eyes. I miss her. I miss her so much and I don’t want this to end. She’ll be gone.

  “Becka, he’s going to be twenty-four in August,” she said. I smiled because I know what she’s talking about. “Now wake up and tell him how you feel.”

  Alice pecked my lips quickly then she was gone.