Chasing Christmas

by Steven Hunt

  The mouth-watering aroma of a warm hamburger filled the room. Teddy’s stomach growled. “Can’t say I’ve ever eaten an MRE.” He ripped the sack open, spilling fries on the mattress. He crammed a handful of the salty potato slices into his mouth before saying, “Mmm. Thanks. Hits the spot.”

  Love positioned a metal chair at the edge of the bed and sat.

  “Is there anything you want to know about me before we get started?” Teddy asked.

  “No.” Love’s answer reminded Teddy of Christy’s replies—short and curt.

  “Don’t you want to know how I came to be in this situation?”

  “Nope.”

  “Are you sure? The other two teachers asked.”

  “I’m positive. My job is to teach you about love. It’s not to hear about how you either failed or succeeded in life. I know you’ve passed the other two lessons or you wouldn’t be here. Anything else is none of my business.”

  “Do you mind if I ask you a question?” Teddy scooted a chair close to the bunk with his food and sat.

  “Shoot.”

  “What is E.V. short for?”

  “Edward Vincent.”

  “Edward Vincent Love?”

  Love nodded as he maintained eye contact.

  Teddy crammed a quarter of the burger into his mouth. He washed it down with a swallow of his shake—strawberry—before continuing. “How does a tough, drill sergeant get himself into a position to teach about love?”

  Love removed his straight-billed Trooper hat, placing it on the bed behind him. “It’s simple. Like all your other teachers, I’ve been where you are. Contrary to a twenty-foot stack of romance novels, it doesn’t have to be someone with an obvious feminine side to teach about love. You don’t need a lady wearing pretty makeup and a froufrou dress with ruffles and lace sitting across from you while teasing your senses with the smell of lavender. Those would only serve to be a distraction to someone like you. You need a teacher who’s been there—in the trenches—who can tell you what you need to know without all that touchy-feely stuff.”

  Love propped his highly-polished combat boots on another bed before crossing his ankles. He leaned back in the chair, balancing it against the bed behind him. “The only difference between you and me is I didn’t try driving a car over the side of a mountain. Instead, I swallowed the muzzle of a M16. I was reaching for the trigger when my Christy showed up. Only her name is not Christy. It’s Christal.

  “There I was in the bathroom stall at the command post, with the barrel tickling my tonsils, when I heard the door open. I’d given strict orders to not be disturbed, so I sprung outta the stall to chew some…well, you know. And there she was. Standing inside the latrine door, looking beautiful and innocent.

  “Something about her made me melt—not in a mushy sorta way. I can’t explain it, but I couldn’t scream at her for barging in on my suicide attempt. She…I don’t know…had this presence about her. She knew all the right things to say and, after she spoke, I just couldn’t go through with it.” Love dropped his feet to the floor and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.

  “Next thing I knew, I was being taught the same lessons of faith, hope, and love as you. Like you, I resisted at first—yes, I know about the times you threatened to quit. I, too, had my doubts that the lessons would help, but somehow they did. And I became a believer in the process.”

  “So, you went through the same things I am?” Teddy asked around a bite of burger.

  “The exact same.”

  “How old did your Christal look?”

  Love frowned. “Why? Does it make a difference if my Christal was twenty or seventy?”

  “My Christy looks like a ten-year-old—at least to me,” Teddy explained. “She told me to not worry about her semblance because it only appeared she was ten. Something about it being the image my mind needed. Ezi’s Christopher was a young, black man, while Yebo’s Christine appeared like a twenty-something white woman. So, humor me—how old did your Christal look to you?”

  Love shrugged. “Fifty, I guess. But if Christy said to not worry about it, I wouldn’t worry.”

  “Does your Christal remind you of anyone from your past?”

  “Yeah. She reminded me of a mama-san I used to have in Korea. Same hair style, same smile.”

  “Mama-san?”

  “Sorry. I forget I’m speaking to a civilian. In the Asian countries some women are hired by servicemen as housekeepers. They clean the rooms and wash the clothes. They are called mama-sans.”

  “What color clothes did she wear?”

  “Who? My mama-san?”

  “No. Christal.” Teddy shook his head.

  “Now you’re just making up stupid questions.”

  “I have a reason.”

  “I don’t know. A pink and white blouse and white pants, I guess. I really don’t pay much attention to those things.”

  “The same.” Teddy muttered as he nodded.

  “What?”

  “Your Christal wore the same colors as my Christy, Ezi’s Christopher, and Yebo’s Christine. I think they’re the same person.”

  “Why? Because they happened to like to wear the same color?”

  “Don’t you see? They each have involved themselves in the lives of people with depression. They show up at the most convenient times. They have knowledge of things that cannot be possible for the common person to know—things like when I tried to run my car off the mountain and the exact time you were about to kill yourself. Don’t you think that’s too convenient?”

  “You have it all figured out, don’t you?”

  “No, but I can’t resist a good puzzle.”

  “So why did you ask if Christal reminded me of someone?”

  Teddy slurped the last of his shake. “Christy reminds me of my daughter when she was ten.”

  Love nodded. “She appeared in an image that you would trust and believe. Would you have believed Christy if she had shown herself to you as a stranger?”

  “Probably not.”

  “You’re right you wouldn’t. You would have just written her off as another lunatic who wanted to put her nose in your business. But as an image of someone close to you, Christy used your affection for your daughter to capture your attention. To pull on your heart’s strings, if you will. So it worked. She knows what she’s doing. You are not her first assignment.”

  “Did your Christal threaten you with death?”

  Love laughed. “Your comprehension leaves something to be desired, mister. I’m sure that she meant your spiritual death. Not your physical death.”

  “What? So why am I busting my hump doing this?”

  “You need to be at this place before you can go to that place.”

  “Meaning what?” Teddy placed his cup on the floor.

  “Meaning you have to be here to learn these lessons before you can go home and live a happy, productive life. Your old self needs to die so you can be born again. It needs to be forgotten so you can live a new, rewarding life. You know, put all those bad habits and bad memories behind you. A fresh start where all the old has been washed away. Think of this as a spiritual rehabilitation center. Alcoholics and drug abusers go into rehab to get clean so they can have a second chance at living a substance abuse free life. This is the same, only we’re teaching you to live a burden-free life. Think about it. Once you’ve finished and you apply these lessons to your life, the Truth will shoulder each of your burdens, leaving you able to love others while living a happy, enjoyable life. This is your second chance, Teddy, to make everything in your life right again.”

  “So, she lied to me? Are you suggesting that I’ll never see my family again?”

  Love scooted his chair closer to Teddy. “See, there you go again. You need to start listening before you run at the mouth. I can already tell that listening is one of your problems.” He leaned toward him. “This is not about your family, Teddy. This is about you. Once you understand that, you’ll see what I mean. You will not die
a physical death. You’ll die a spiritual death.”

  “Die spiritually? How is that even possible?”

  “To fully understand the lessons of faith, hope, and love, you’ll need to become a new creature, so to speak. I don’t mean change bodies and all that. The bad parts of you will die inside. The bad habits, the not listening, the not having time for your family, envy, pride, and jealousy have to die. The good parts that allow you to fully believe and trust in the Truth will come alive. All those old guilty feelings, all those regrets will be forgiven and disappear forever. When that happens, your life will be complete. Not only will you rejoin your wife and daughter, the time you share with them will be even more special. You will get along with your family better because the Truth will be in you, guiding your steps, protecting you.”

  “So what are we waiting for? Teach me about love. I’m ready.”

  “You’re not ready until I say you’re ready. You need to learn how to love unconditionally.”

  “Unconditionally?”

  Love leaned back. “When Mandy told you and Jane about the parties, what did you do?”

  “I got angry, of course. She knew better. She disappointed me. You have to understand her actions made me look bad. I heard the rumblings. I saw the dirty looks. It hurt our business.”

  “But what did you do?”

  “I…uh, sent her to her room so Jane and I could talk.”

  “Then what?”

  “Once the anger subsided, I guess I started feeling sad.”

  “Sad for you or sad for Mandy?”

  He remembered that night well. After a long day at the office—one where he’d not accomplished much because a continuous cycle of traumatic thoughts of his mother and father suffering filtered through his mind—he’d collapsed on the sofa, staring at the wall while losing himself in several glasses of whiskey like he’d done every night for weeks. Drinking alcohol had never been his thing, but he craved the numbness. He’d built a solid wall around himself, isolating himself from his family and friends. He wanted to be alone in his misery, but Mandy marched in with Jane.

  Jane, standing behind the sofa, said, “Tell him.”

  Mandy raised her head and locked her shoulders back in a defiant manner as she said, “I’ve been sneaking out to attend parties.”

  “Tell him what kind of parties.”

  “Drug parties.”

  “What?” he said as he burst off the sofa. His mind swam as he battled dizziness and the inability to stand from having consumed too much liquor.

  “Yes, Dad. You’ve raised a druggie. Aren’t you proud?”

  Teddy shook the memory away as he wadded the burger bag into a tight ball and threw it as hard as he could at the door. It was not one of his fondest memories. “Rather than being sad, I guess a better answer would be that I was concerned how the business community would look on her…or me. How the situation would reflect on me. I guess I had more concern for my career than my daughter.”

  “So you’re admitting that you were more worried about yourself than your daughter—your flesh and blood, your offspring?”

  “Yes…I mean, no. I was worried about both.”

  “Which one is more important now?”

  “My daughter,” Teddy answered without hesitation. “If I had it to do over again, I’d handle that situation differently.”

  Love stood and paced the floor like a prosecutor addressing the jury. “So it took almost committing suicide and having been dragged all over the countryside for you to realize that Mandy is more important than your career. Is that correct?”

  A blanket of guilt covered him. His heart ached. He dropped his head, afraid to look Love in his eyes. “Um…yes.”

  “Look at me when you speak, mister!”

  Slowly, Teddy raised his head. “I said yes.”

  “At least you now understand that family is more important than jobs. Anyone can get a new job, but try to get a new family. It doesn’t work. What should you have done?”

  Mandy’s image flashed in his mind. Was she really being defiant? Or was she seeking his attention? He could now clearly recall her face. Pain and suffering contorted her image. She had been hurting! Not from what she’d confessed, but from him constantly ignoring her. He’d been fully consumed with death when he should have seen the life in front of him. Teddy’s chin quivered as he dropped his head to his chest. “Oh, Mandy, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t see your grief. I was too consumed with mine.” An emotional knot hardened in his throat. He bit his lower lip, fighting the feelings as a warm, coppery taste seeped into his mouth. He inhaled a deep breath. He raised his head, looking Love in the eyes. “She needed me, and I let her down. I should have hugged her tight and assured her that we’d get through it together.”

  Love nodded. “I think that will be enough for tonight.” He moved his chair to its original position and picked up his hat.

  Teddy shot up from his chair. “Wait! You just can’t leave when we’re doing so well. Let’s continue.”

  “Tomorrow.” Love said over his shoulder.

  “But I need to get back to my family. I need to make things right!”

  His words fell on deaf ears. Love had already walked out the door, closing it behind him.

  29

  With his face pressed into his pillow, Teddy lay on the bunk as the night devoured the hut into a vast pit of dark shadows and ghostly shapes. The batteries in Love’s flashlight died a slow death, allowing the isolation to sink in on him. A mixture of mildew and dust seeped into his nose as the temperature inside the cabin plummeted.

  Yesterday he’d been encouraged when his depression waned, but after one conversation with Love, he seemed to be spiraling downward—again. He was weary of going back and forth with the depression. Balancing on the edge of insanity, only one wrong word, look, or gesture would propel him back to the dark world.

  He was tired. Drained from battling. Exhausted from losing.

  It had been almost a half day since he’d felt the nagging restraint of the cloak and the doubt-induced confusion of the fog. The usual symptoms he experienced—the ones he’d grown accustomed to—were nowhere to be found. While his heart weighed heavy with guilt, his mind remained remarkably clear.

  After the way he’d treated his daughter, it wouldn’t have caused any more damage if he’d taken his relationship with Mandy, wadded it into a ball and thrown it away like he had his hamburger sack. How could he have treated her as if she didn’t matter? Had his pride been that controlling? His recollection of that night only served to prove that he had not been concerned about her feelings. His previous world had revolved around a life that solely suited him and him alone. Sure, he told everyone he was proud of his daughter, but what actions had he taken to prove it?

  And what about Jane? Had he acted the same way to his lovely wife? Had his words cut instead of been supporting? Had he ignored her when she needed him the most? If he had, he didn’t blame her for running into the arms of another man—even if that man happened to be his former business partner and friend. Feeling sorry for himself had completely disabled his ability to be her loving, supportive husband.

  He remembered the smile emblazoned on Jane’s face the first few years of their marriage. He loved that smile. It helped him through many rough times, but now he couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen it.

  Teddy rolled onto his side and slipped his hand into his right, front pant pocket, locking his fingers around the sphere of cool metal. His thumb rubbed the mustard seed coin much like the way Jason had rubbed the locket.

  It was the bitter truth that he’d once cared more for his career and had been more concerned with how he looked to other businesspersons than he’d been for his own family. Ezi and Yebo had spent four long days trying to rid him of those feelings while directing him to the path of becoming a better man. A better husband. A better father.

  But their efforts imploded after one talk with Love.

  What if he skipped
the lesson of love? He knew how to love, didn’t he? Truly love?

  Christy had been adamant that he complete three basic lessons of life. If he skipped this lesson, he would fail, and he would never see his family again. That was the deal. Anything less was unacceptable.

  Love had destroyed everything Teddy had been trying to fix.

  Wasn’t it Ezi that said everything had a reason? If that was true, what was Love’s reason?

  Teddy rubbed the coin until his hand warmed and his thumb cramped. His mind shifted through the lessons of hope and faith, reliving the words of his teachers. Teddy had taken Ezi and Yebo’s lessons to heart, storing them in a special place.

  Didn’t Christy say that with the lessons of hope, faith, and love his life would be more complete? More satisfying? He understood—and vowed to apply to his life—the lessons of hope and faith.

  But what about love? It was also a key ingredient. A loaf of bread could not rise without yeast. And love was the yeast of life.

  He rolled over to stare at the ceiling. Looking toward the treetops had worked for Ezi—or had he really been looking toward heaven? It must have been heaven. It had nothing to do with the trees. Light or no light, Teddy could still look toward heaven.

  OK, think. What was special about unconditional love?

  The love of a mother? Sure.

  The love for a spouse? Absolutely.

  Jason?

  What was it that Yebo had said about Jason? Teddy closed his eyes. When he had told her about Jason’s unselfishness, she had said…Kinda sounds like another man who lived long ago. She’d had been speaking of Christ. He’d laid down His life—the ultimate sacrifice—for all mankind, including those that had not yet been born. The premier example of unconditional love.

  Did that mean that giving of one’s all for another was unconditional? He knew from Bud’s sermons that the Truth didn’t discriminate. The Truth loved everyone, regardless of wealth, size, skin color, or intelligence.

  As for his family, what did unconditional love mean? Offering support and words of encouragement when a disaster sprung its ugly head out of the ground? Not berating them for a mistake, but promising to be at their very side every step of the way while seeking a solution? Not criticizing them or their actions?