Razing Kayne

by Julieanne Reeves

  Kayne couldn't remember the last time he'd enjoyed just being some place. No. That wasn't true. He'd taken his family to the hills on one of those rare warm winter days a few weeks before they died. They'd had a picnic in a meadow, and he'd played with his children until they'd worn themselves out. Afterwards, he'd lain down with them on a blanket, and his son had whispered, “I love you, Papa,” before drifting off to sleep.

  Damn! He didn't want to think about that. Not now. He sure as hell didn't want to remember how Oksana had laid their baby on his chest and curled up beside him, just to be close and talk. Kayne shoved the unwanted memory away before it fully formed, and focused on the present.

  Williams stopped in front of a souvenir shop. “If you'd like to pick out a souvenir now, I can have them autographed before you leave tonight.”

  “Seriously?” Jessica gasped. “The kids would love that.”

  “All five of us.” Kayne chuckled pointing to himself as one of the kids.

  Jessica rolled her eyes. “By all means, lead the way Peter Pan.”

  ***

  Nearly an hour later, drinks and snacks in hand, they followed Williams down the concourse and through a short tunnel into the lower seating area. The man kept walking right up to the glass, then toward center ice.

  Holy hell!

  Most hockey fans would sell their soul to be sitting at the glass, center ice, during any game, much less the playoffs. Jess was momentarily speechless. She’d never imagined anything like this when she'd called in the favor for tickets.

  Kayne ushered them into the aisle in front of him. “I'll take the end seat, if that's okay?”

  Jess knew it was the die-hard cop putting himself between them and danger, but she couldn't resist a little ribbing. She laughed. “Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that that’s the center line seat, would it?”

  “No, of course not.” His expression was pure innocence.

  Jess had planned on sitting at the opposite end to be the other “kid goalie” but when an argument broke out over who got to sit by Kayne, Jess solved the problem diplomatically. She took the seat herself.

  It seemed like such a good idea until she realized how much room Kayne took up. His leg and arm constantly brushed against hers, making it difficult to concentrate on one of the most spectacular games she'd ever seen.

  Kayne amazed her. As focused as he was on the game, he never lost track of the kids. The moment one of them left their seat, he had his eye on them, and he didn't get angry if it took his attention away from the game. Jess couldn't help but feel disloyal to Jarred when she realized she was measuring him against what she saw in Kayne. The simple truth couldn't be avoided: Jarred never would have taken her and the kids to something like this, much less been a good sport about it.

  Jess was on the edge of her seat as the last few seconds of the third period wore down. The Coyotes were ahead by one, but the Redwings had the puck.

  “5, 4, 3, 2...1!” Everyone erupted in cheers. The 'Yotes had won.

  Before she realized how or why, Jess was in Kayne's arms. He lifted her off the ground, hugging her close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist, and she was kissing him, or kissing him back, she wasn't quite sure. Lost in the moment, she didn't care.

  ***

  Kayne found his arms full of luscious female, not certain how she'd gotten there. The initial kiss only lasted a moment, barely long enough to register her soft lips against his firm ones. But the feel of her body? Her arms wrapped firmly around his neck, those tight thighs snug against his hips, his hands cupping her ass—Oh yeah. That was Richter Scale worthy. He couldn't resist dipping his head for another taste of her sweetness. The world all but disappeared around them as she melted into him.

  The Redwing's player being checked against the glass directly in front of them broke the spell, and Kayne set her down and stepped away. Holy hell, he was not into public displays, and he'd all but devoured her in front of God and everybody. As penance, his jeans were suddenly about three sizes too small.

  Williams materialized next to him. “That was some game.”

  “It was incredible.” Almost as good as that kiss. Shit!

  “Would you like to meet the players?” Williams asked.

  “Most assuredly!” Kayne picked up a sleeping Isabelle—how she'd managed to sleep through all that noise he had no idea—and followed Jessica, who held Gracie, and the other kids, out onto the ice.

  ***

  Jess stood back and watched while Kayne intermingled with the players, shaking hands and introducing the kids. She was amazed that he included them. Jarred would have insisted she keep the kids off the ice so he could interact with the players. Ha, who was she kidding? He would have insisted she and the kids stay home and taken four of his buddies to the game. In his opinion, an event like this shouldn't be wasted on children who wouldn't appreciate it. And she would have given in to keep the peace.

  What was it about Kayne that made him so different? Was it just because he missed his own children that he was so attentive to hers, or would he have treated his the same? Would he be the same way with her, or would he turn out to be like Jarred in that aspect? Was she willing to find out? She was pretty sure he wanted her in his bed, but was that all he wanted? If so, was she willing to settle for sex without a relationship? She of all people knew a marriage license meant nothing when it came to commitment and fidelity.

  ***

  Hours later, Kayne found himself back in Jessica’s kitchen. “Thank you for today, Jessica.”

  The kids had fallen asleep within moments of climbing into the Tahoe, and Jessica had followed not long after. It had been a quiet drive, giving Kayne some much needed time to think. Though a part of him—the selfish bastard who had enjoyed today more than he'd had any right to—was glad he hadn't been given the opportunity to find out more about Gracie. The other part of him, the honorable part, was disgusted that he was worming his way into this family's life and vice versa. Every moment he spent with them provided not only the children, but Jessica, as well, an opportunity to get attached. How could he be so selfish?

  “It’s okay to call me Jess, everyone who knows me does.”

  He nodded, but doubted he would. He needed to keep distance between them any way he could.

  “The kids had a really good time. So did I.”

  She moved a little closer, and Kayne had to fight everything in him to stand still. He wanted to run almost as badly as he wanted to take her into his arms. “I should probably go, it's really late.” He took a step backward. The flash of disappointment that crossed her face firmed up his resolve. He needed to get out of there.

  “Oh, wait a minute.” She reached for her purse. “Let me give you your ticket. You do keep them, right?”

  “Yeah.” Kayne accepted the ticket stub, pulled out his wallet, and flipped it open, intending to put it inside. He paused, staring at the picture of his family. He'd taken it that day in the meadow. Oksana held their baby, while Natalia sat on her lap, and Niki stood beside her. All he had to do was turn his wallet around and show the photo to Jessica. Would she see Gracie, or would she see a child with similar features?

  “Kayne, are you okay?” Her voice was soft with concern.

  No, he wasn't. He couldn't do this. Where would it leave him when she confirmed that there was no possible way Grace was his missing daughter?

  “I have to go, Jessica.” Before he could beg her to let him stay, to let him be a part of her life, of her children's, before he could admit, even to himself, that maybe, just maybe, it didn't matter so much who Gracie really was, he got the hell out of there.

  ELEVEN

  “Mama! Up, up. Up! ” Gracie demanded.

  “Mama, sleep, please?” Jess was willing to beg.

  After Kayne left, she'd spent several long hours tossing and turning, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. She'd hoped he would have kissed her again at the very least. But it seemed like he couldn
't leave fast enough. Maybe she had been the one to throw herself at him at the game. God, how embarrassing was that? No wonder he'd kept his distance as he'd helped her get sleeping and exhausted kids into bed, then left at the first opportunity.

  “Up, mama. Sun up, you up!” Grace’s voice was insistent.

  On a morning like this, bribery wasn’t only acceptable it was completely necessary. “I'll let you wear a pretty to church if you lay back down for a while with me. Just one hour?” Gracie loved “pretties,” especially necklaces.

  “Mine pretty?” Grace bounced excitedly. “Mine spesha pretty?”

  Her special pretty? That was asking a lot.

  “If I say yes, will you go back to sleep?” Jess would agree to just about anything at this point.

  “Yes!” Gracie bobbed her head and climbed under the covers to snuggle. Obviously she considered it a foregone conclusion that she'd be wearing her special necklace.

  ***

  Jess sat in front of her vanity mirror, trying not to fuss with her hair. She’d tried not to dress up, choosing to wear only a simple floral skirt and a matching solid-color silk blouse. It was church, not a date. After Kayne’s sudden departure the night before, she wondered if he'd even show. The kids had invited him, and he'd said he would think about it. But the look on his face had told her church was the last place in the world he wanted to be. Truthfully, she couldn't blame him.

  “Mama, you look really nice today.” Maddy smiled encouragingly.

  Jess returned the smile. “Thanks, sweetheart.”

  “Mama, mine pretty!” Gracie climbed onto Jess’s lap.

  “How about a different pretty?” In the light of day, Jess regretted the agreement. She worried that something might happen to the only link to Gracie's past.

  Though the clasp had been broken, the delicate chain had been knotted around her neck the night she’d been pulled from the accident. When the police department released it from evidence, Jess had placed it in her jewelry box for safe keeping until Gracie grew up. On occasion, Jess would show it to Gracie, knowing someday she'd have to tell her what had happened to her parents.

  Jess still believed it a miracle that Grace had survived. In fact, that was how she'd chosen her name. By the grace of God, go I.

  Despite all of Jarred's faults, he had been an incredible fire-medic. He'd given up his parents’ dreams for him to be a doctor, stepped away from his family's money, and followed his heart. He'd loved it more than anything else—including her. It was that love and dedication to his job that had given Grace, and, in turn, Jessica, a miracle.

  Jess could still remember standing in that emergency room helplessly watching Mark Oberly and his team try to save Jarred. Joe Sutton’s arms wrapped around her had been the only thing holding her together. All she'd been able to think about was that their last words had been in anger. He'd walked out and never come home. But he'd unknowingly given her a gift with his death, because Jess hadn't been able to let go of the baby, and the local CPS office had reluctantly agreed. They assumed they'd quickly locate next of kin, and the issue would resolve itself. Cody had been furious that Jess would even consider keeping the baby. But Joe seemed to understand her need to do so, and had stood beside her. In fact, he’d spent those first few nights on her couch, making sure she wasn't going to lose her ever-loving mind.

  Days had turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and finally Gracie's maternal grandparents had been located. When Oxnard's Missing Persons got a hit and match on dental records from Payson's Jane Doe, Jess had feared she’d lose Gracie. But they'd denied any knowledge of the man or baby, and admitted they hadn't seen their daughter, Ludmyla, in over a year, claiming the relationship had been strained at best.

  Jess had been shocked when she discovered the grandparents refused to take custody of Gracie. But Jessica hadn’t been able to work up any real hatred toward the grandparents, because she'd fallen absolutely and thoroughly in love with Gracie.

  Jess took a moment to study the pendant: a three dimensional trefoil knot with a half-carat heart-shaped diamond in the center, surrounded by three smaller, colored-stone hearts, each set in a loop of the trefoil. Jess had always assumed the pale pink stone represented Gracie's October birth month. The pendant had a phrase engraved on the back in Cyrillic. She'd assumed it was Russian, but upon translation the words had made no sense. And yet it was still the only tie to Gracie's past. Her grandparents had been adamant they wanted nothing to do with her.

  “Mine spesha pretty, Mama!”

  Jess reluctantly clasped it around her neck, fearing she'd made a horrible mistake by agreeing to let Gracie wear it.

  ***

  By the time Jess turned into the church parking lot, she was so nervous she could hardly breathe. Though her children had continued attending after Jarred died, she had not. She’d been too overwhelmed, then too angry to step foot within those walls. Thankfully, Polly had been more than happy to have this weekly time with the kids. What would everyone think of her showing up after all this time? What if Kayne showed up like he’d promised the kids?

  Not likely after last night. Besides, why the hell did she care what anyone thought anyway?

  Jess pulled into a space near the door, took a deep breath, then another, and turned off the engine. She climbed out and opened the back door to unbuckle Gracie.

  Maddy frowned. “Mama, you don't have to get out. I can take them in.”

  “I heard a rumor that Mama was staying for church today.”

  Jess glanced over her shoulder. Kayne. He'd come!

  “Kayne, Kayne! Out, out, oowt!” Gracie all but howled.

  Kayne shook his head and laughed. “Hold on a minute, you little imp.” His body pressed against Jess’s as he leaned in and addressed the children. “Good morning, kids.”

  “About last night. I'm sorry,” his voice whispered in her ear.

  Jess's heart stalled for several beats before taking off at a gallop, making it impossible to do anything but nod. What was he sorry for?

  ***

  Kayne wanted to say more, but he couldn’t find the words. How did he admit he was lost, confused, and, quite frankly, totally fucked-up in the head? His gut clenched at the thought of giving them the power to destroy what little there was left of him, or worse, him having the ability to hurt them. He'd spent a sleepless night staring at that fucking gun. But every damned time he reached for it, images bombarded him. Not the faces of his dead wife and children, but of Jessica and hers. He’d already gotten too deep.

  He'd reasoned that if he cared about them he'd stay the hell away, but as the morning wore on, as he watched the clock slowly creep forward, he couldn't help but remember how it had felt to be with Jess and the kids yesterday. He’d felt alive for the first time in years. Selfish bastard that he was, he couldn’t find the will to stay away.

  Now here he was. As pissed as he was at a God who’d let innocent children be murdered by their mother, a church was the last place he ever dreamed he’d be stepping foot into.

  He wasn’t sure how Jess felt, but the kids were happy to see him. After taking Gracie from Jess, he walked around and unbuckled Isabelle while Jess gathered her purse and the diaper bag.

  “Morning 'Sabella.” He nuzzled her neck until she giggled.

  “You look very pretty Madelina.” He said her name with a Romanian accent, befitting its origin. “But this guy?” Kayne ruffled Ash's hair. “I don't know where you found this one.”

  “Under a rock.” Ash laughed. “That's what Jarred used to tell everyone. That he was out hiking one day and found us.” Ash’s smile died, and he looked uncertainly at his mother.

  It hadn't escaped Kayne’s notice that when the kids did mention their father they called him Jarred. “Well, I know I'm sure glad he found you.” Kayne ruffled Ash's hair again.

  ***

  Jess's chest clinched at the sight of her son's uncertainty. Apparently she'd made a horrible mistake in not talking more about Jarred with her ch
ildren. But other than Isabelle, who they’d adopted as an infant, he'd spent so little time with them. Ash had been so young, and Maddy had lived with them for such a short time before Jarred died, it seemed better—easier—to let them forget.

  She smiled at Ash. “He knew you were ours the moment he saw you.”

  What was one more lie to protect her children’s innocence? She and Jarred had fought tooth and nail about bringing Ash home. He felt she should be happy with Isabelle. But Jess wanted a big family, and so she’d stood her ground. Jarred had reluctantly agreed. Very reluctantly. Not long after, they were red-foldered to be Maddy’s parents. Jarred hadn’t said anything when she came to live with them. He’d simply proceeded to ignore all but Isabelle. Which had broken Jess’s heart, time and again.

  As they walked through the door, Kayne leaned in and whispered, “Think the roof will hold?”

  Jess shook her head, but couldn't help the giggle that escaped. She noticed Del standing in the vestibule, wearing his uniform. She glanced at Kayne. “Aren't you supposed to be working today?”

  “No, Sunday and Monday are my normal days off. I've been picking up overtime.”

  He didn't say it, but it hit Jess—while all her bills disappeared with Jarred’s death, Kayne’s had not when Oksana died. In fact, he would have accrued more debt by paying to bury a wife and children. She shuddered at the thought.

  Del didn't seem surprised to see them together. He walked up and shook Kayne's hand, a huge smile on his face. “Welcome, son, glad to see you here.”

  “Thanks.” Kayne looked uncomfortable.

  When Jess realized Del was studying the two of them thoughtfully, she felt her own face heat in embarrassment.

  “Interesting game last night.” Del smiled a Cheshire Cat smile. “Went over to the fire house to watch it on the big screen with Joe. We're sitting there and Joe says, ‘Hey, that looks like Jess.’ The camera's panning the area right behind the benches at center ice. Of course, I was sure he was wrong. I knew you'd have told us if you were going to a playoff game, if for no other reason than to rub it in.”