Out of Step

by Maggie Makepeace

  ‘Well, at least you get rid of them.’

  ‘Yes, but it’s so disruptive. They get no chance to settle in and adapt to us and to our different ways of doing things.’

  ‘I expect that’s the idea. Have you got to have them at Easter?’

  ‘For a week, yes.’

  ‘Paul’s having his too, on the houseboat after he’s been with me for a week on our own – bliss! – Erm … Elly’s probably told you she’s going back to London for a fortnight.’

  Nell nodded.

  ‘It’s like bloody musical chairs. She’s not bad-looking, is she?’

  ‘You’ve met Elly?’

  ‘Only in passing when Paul was collecting the boys. Not for long enough to make an informed judgment.’ Anna pushed her hair back again, and held her hands on her head for a while. It looked like a deliberate gesture, to Nell, and then she realised why. On the third finger of her left hand was a thin gold wedding ring. Nell frowned.

  ‘Good, isn’t it?’ Anna said, smiling proudly and holding her hand out for Nell to examine.

  ‘Did Paul buy it for you?’

  ‘Yes, we went and chose it together. And then I simply had to wear it straight away. Didn’t see any point in waiting.’

  ‘But he isn’t divorced yet?’

  ‘No, but as soon as he is, we’re getting married. He proposed last week. That’s why I was so impatient to see you.’

  ‘But I thought…’ Nell hesitated. ‘Why?’

  ‘He wants to make sure of me,’ Anna said contentedly. ‘He’s always afraid I’ll go off with someone my own age. D’you know what he said?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That I’m the sexiest woman he’s ever had!’

  ‘Congratulations,’ Nell said mechanically.

  ‘And he says he’s fed up with urban squalor, so he’s going to move permanently to the country and live half his life on Polypeptide. He even talks of sailing round the world!’

  ‘But what about you?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll go too, of course. It’ll be the trip of a lifetime.’

  ‘No, I mean, what do you think about getting married? I thought you were dead against it.’

  ‘Whatever gave you that idea? I think it’s great.’

  ‘But I thought you said …’

  ‘It’s like this,’ Anna explained, ‘I’ve been discovering recently that I really need the status of marriage. If it were just him and me on our own, it would be fine the way it is, but the moment his boys are around, I seem to be demoted into being a kind of optional extra; you know what I mean – dependent upon their every whim. But when I’m his wife I’ll have equal call on him, won’t I, maybe even priority?’

  ‘Well, I doubt that …’ Nell began, but found she couldn’t go on. She felt sick, not food-poisoning sort of sick, but queasy and a little faint.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Anna asked. ‘You look rather pale.’

  ‘I’m OK,’ Nell said. ‘It’s time I got out though.’

  But as she stood under a warm shower shampooing her hair, she still felt odd, and wondered if this was perhaps what was meant by the phrase ‘sick with jealousy’.

  ‘I don’t understand Josh,’ Nell confided to Elly over the phone on 10th April. ‘We sang “Happy Birthday” to him and he got all embarrassed and cross as though we’d been getting at him or calling him names!’

  ‘Poor child,’ Elly said. ‘He must be very insecure.’

  ‘And he keeps on twitching his shoulders about. I don’t think he even realises he’s doing it.’

  ‘Nervous tic?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so.’

  ‘What a shame. He’s obviously in a state. Have you got them for long?’

  ‘Just this week, but days only.’

  ‘Ah well,’ Elly said, ‘so it looks as though we’ll both be childless again next week. We must phone regularly and console each other.’

  This is silly, Nell thought uncomfortably. Elly’s making me feel as though Anna of all people understands me better than she does, and she’s my oldest friend! ‘Mmm,’ she said.

  ‘So, what’s the gossip from the pool?’

  ‘Anna’s wearing a ring,’ Nell reported carefully.

  ‘A curtain ring? A makes-your-finger-green ring, or a proper one?’

  ‘Looked like gold to me, but it wasn’t an engagement ring.’ Nell wasn’t sure why she said that.

  ‘Ah well, that’s all right then. One doesn’t want to feel instantly replaceable, does one? Not that I really understand what Paul sees in her anyway. Tell me, Nell, what do you think is her big attraction?’

  ‘Well, she’s got nice auburn hair … but I gather it’s mostly sex.’

  ‘Oh that’s a relief,’ Elly said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I was afraid you were going to say brains!’

  Nell laughed. ‘You sound good,’ she said. ‘Is life getting better?’

  ‘You could say so. Three things: one – both my boys have told me independently that they want to live with me, not Paul. Two – I’ve been promised some good freelance design work again, and three – Hat is firmly on my side; says Paul is acting just like his father did before their divorce. So I’ve got lots of support. I even feel quite sorry for Paul and whatshername.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because if it’s just sex it won’t survive for long. I know Paul. He’ll get jaded. He’s fine in short bursts, but he hasn’t got the stamina. That reminds me, have I ever told you my sure-fire way of telling whether a bloke’s good in bed or not – before you get there, that is?’

  ‘No, but I sense you’re about to.’

  ‘You want to look for a good belly laugh. Even if a man is quiet and shy, if he’s uninhibited when he laughs, then I guarantee he’ll be a performer!’

  Nell was silent. Rob didn’t exactly guffaw, but she didn’t think that proved anything.

  ‘Nell? You still there?’

  ‘Yes, sorry, I was miles away.’

  ‘Anyway, time I went. Happy Easter and have fun with the little ones. Are you giving Josh a birthday party?’

  ‘Not this year. He’s fine, but Cassie doesn’t want him exposed to any germs.’ Thank goodness!

  ‘Oh, that’s a shame. Must go. See you in a week or so.’

  ‘Bye,’ Nell said.

  ‘Why can’t Mum and you and me and Rosie and Nell all live in the same house?’ Josh asked from the back of the Land Rover as Rob was driving him and Rosie to Bottom Cottage on the third morning of the Easter holiday. ‘It’d save all this travelling.’

  Rob smiled wryly. ‘I don’t think that would work out,’ he said. ‘We wouldn’t all get on.’

  ‘But Rosie and me don’t get on anyway.’

  ‘Rosie and I,’ Rob corrected him.

  ‘Yeth we do!’

  ‘No we don’t.’

  ‘OK, OK,’ Rob said, ‘that’s enough.’

  ‘What’s for lunch?’ Josh asked.

  ‘I’m not sure. Something delicious, I expect.’

  ‘Delithuth,’ Rosie said. ‘Delithuth, delithuth, delithuth, del… OW!’

  ‘Stop it, Josh,’ Rob said, without turning his head.

  ‘I’m bored.’

  ‘Well, after lunch you can help me plant potatoes. We could get some peas in too.’

  ‘An’ me, an’ me,’ Rosie insisted.

  ‘Yes of course, you too.’

  Nell came to meet them at the door as they arrived. ‘Cassie rang,’ she said. She looked cross. ‘She told me to give you a message – although why she couldn’t have said it to your face while you were there I don’t know. Apparently she’s going to London for a few days. Mic isn’t working over Easter, so the children are to stay here, nights and all, until the sixteenth.’

  ‘Excellent!’ Rob said. ‘Good news. There you are then, Josh, less travelling at a stroke.’

  Nell felt exhausted. Was it just having the children, or something more profound? She was glad the day was over, and ready for bed.r />
  ‘Well, that’s that,’ Rob said, coming downstairs. ‘They’ve both gone off soundly. I don’t know why Cassie has such trouble; they always sleep well enough here.’

  ‘Until six o’clock if we’re lucky, yes,’ Nell yawned.

  ‘I always used to wake at crack of dawn when I was their age,’ Rob said.

  ‘Is that supposed to be encouraging?’

  ‘Fancy a coffee?’

  ‘No thanks. I’ve gone right off it for some reason. Rob?’

  ‘Mmm?’

  ‘Where are you sleeping tonight?’

  ‘I don’t know. I hadn’t thought.’

  ‘Will you sleep with me?’

  ‘I thought you didn’t want the children to know?’

  ‘Well, now that your decree absolute’s arrived, I’ve changed my mind.’ It was something that Nell remembered Anna had said about status. It had touched a nerve, and now she found she wanted her relationship with Rob to be properly acknowledged. She was determined not to feel like a bit on the side.

  ‘I don’t see why not,’ Rob said.

  ‘You don’t think it will upset them?’

  ‘Why should it? I’ll bribe Josh tomorrow with the promise of my grown-up bed. Then Rosie can sleep on the top bunk and they’ll both be happy.’

  Next morning Nell was dragged unwillingly from the depths of sleep by Josh, bouncing on their bed and calling to his father.

  ‘Dad! Dad! Why are you in here? I want you to sleep in my room. Dad! Dad!’ Nell looked blearily at the clock. It was only half-past five.

  ‘Go back to bed,’ she said to him. ‘It’s much too early.’

  He ignored her and pulled the duvet off Rob, who sat up, blinking. ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘You’re in the wrong bed!’ Josh accused him.

  ‘Well … things change,’ Rob said, gathering his wits with obvious difficulty.

  ‘But I don’t want them to!’

  ‘Look, Josh, you remember I used to sleep in the big bed with Mummy?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Now I’ve decided to sleep in this bed with Nell.’

  ‘So … is Nell a mummy now?’

  ‘No,’ Nell said quickly. ‘Cassie is still your mum, but Daddy and I are… special friends.’

  ‘Cassie and I have decided we don’t want to be married to each other any more,’ Rob explained. ‘So we’ve got divorced.’

  ‘But we’ll all still look after you,’ Nell put in, feeling that this was too bald a statement, and sitting up as well. ‘It’s not your fault at all.’

  ‘So whose is it?’ Josh looked belligerent.

  ‘Mine and Cassie’s,’ Rob said. ‘We’re not nice to each other, in fact we make each other very unhappy, so it seems sensible to live in different places.’

  ‘But if you sleep in her bed,’ Josh said, pointing scornfully at Nell, ‘and my mum has to sleep all by herself, it’s not fair!’

  ‘Cassie will probably find herself a new man soon,’ Nell said consolingly.

  ‘No she won’t!’ Josh cried passionately. He turned his back on Nell, sitting on Rob’s lap. ‘Why can’t you sleep in my room, then Rosie can sleep with her,’ he protested to his father. ‘I think men ought to be together and girls ought to be somewhere else.’

  ‘It doesn’t work like that when you’re grown up,’ Rob explained smiling. ‘Men and women like to be together.’

  ‘Well, I don’t like it.’

  ‘I’m sorry about that, Josh. Look, it’s far too early in the day to be having important conversations like this. I’ll take you back to bed, yes? And we can continue it when it’s proper morning.’

  ‘Only if you’ll stay with me.’

  ‘Yes, all right.’ He turned to Nell. ‘See you later.’

  ‘Right,’ she said. She snuggled down again and closed her eyes, but by now she felt far too wide awake to go back to sleep. She wondered how they would pass the day, and whether it would seem as long as the previous ones. Josh would ride his new bike on the turnaround at the front of the cottage for ten minutes, if they were lucky, before demanding attention. Rosie would execute splashy paintings on the kitchen table. Maybe Rob would cut their fingernails, since Cassie had singularly failed to do so. Josh might be persuaded to draw too, but his pictures were mostly of tiny stick figures and lots of black explosions, like those of a child brought up in a war zone. Children don’t seem to draw what’s around them, Nell thought, but what’s inside. They were making progress though. They were managing knives and forks better, and they really did seem to have grasped the no-welly-boots-upstairs rule. It does help, Nell acknowledged, to have them here for more than just a couple of days at a time…

  She jumped. She must have dozed off in spite of herself. ‘Hello, hello, hello!’ Rosie was saying joyfully, clambering on top of her. ‘Play the hair game!’

  ‘Oh, Rosie …’ Nell rubbed her eyes. The clock said seven o’clock. ‘Is it that time already?’

  ‘Yeth.’ Rosie was carrying a small hand mirror and looked expectant.

  ‘Where’s Daddy?’

  ‘Making tea with Joth. Play the hair game?’

  Nell pulled herself up and sat back against the headboard. Rosie snuggled in with her back to her, sitting on top of her outstretched legs under the duvet, and holding up the mirror. Nell stroked her hair.

  ‘Now what have we here?’ she said. ‘My goodness, it’s a devil. Look at those horns!’ She gathered Rosie’s hair up into two bunches on top of her head and waggled them. Rosie giggled delightedly. ‘No, I’m wrong. It’s an Old English sheepdog.’ She pulled the hair forward and made a long fringe covering her eyes. ‘Or maybe it’s a pussycat, all soft and sleek.’ She smoothed the hair off Rosie’s forehead and stroked her head. ‘I can’t hear purring.’

  Rosie snorted and began blowing through her lips.

  ‘Sounds more like a camel,’ Nell teased. ‘Oh yes, look, it’s got a hump on top! What a strange creat –’

  ‘Move over!’ cried Josh, rushing in ahead of Rob with the tea tray. ‘We’re all getting in!’

  They sat in a row: Nell, Rosie, Rob and Josh. Nell and Rob drank their tea very carefully, making warning noises about the necessity for sitting still.

  ‘I’m your baby,’ Rosie said to Nell.

  ‘My pretend baby,’ she agreed.

  ‘So you have to kith me.’

  ‘Mmmmmmwah!’ Nell planted a smacker on her forehead.

  ‘I want to live here all the time,’ Rosie announced rapturously.

  Elly telephoned Nell the following week.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Nell asked her.

  ‘I’m missing the boys, but otherwise I’m OK. I’ve actually got some work this week, so that takes my mind off things. How did your Easter go?’

  ‘Pretty well. It got better as time went on, and we all got used to each other.’

  ‘Oh good. I thought it would.’

  ‘And the best thing was that Rob’s decree absolute has come through, so he’s finally divorced.’

  ‘Marvellous. How did you celebrate?’

  ‘He moved back into my bed.’

  ‘About time.’ She sounded as though she was smiling.

  ‘But then at the very end, just as they were leaving, Josh said something that really upset me,’ Nell confessed. ‘They were all in the Land Rover and actually driving off at the time, so I couldn’t do anything about it except feel bad.’

  ‘Oh dear. What did he say?’

  ‘You’ll laugh. It sounds so trivial now.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘He said, “Fuck off, Nell.” ’

  ‘You’re not being sick again, are you?’ Rob asked, putting his head round the bathroom door a few mornings later. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I might suspect you were pregnant!’

  Nell flushed the lavatory and turned to him, blotting her mouth with a ball of toilet paper. ‘I can’t be!’ she protested. ‘I haven’t missed a single pill.’

  ‘But you did have th
e shits, didn’t you?’ Rob pointed out. ‘What if several of the pills went straight through you without doing their job?’

  ‘But… can that happen?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  Nell put the seat down and sat heavily on it. ‘Oh God!’ she said. ‘What if I am?’

  ‘No problem,’ Rob said cheerfully. ‘After all, what’s one more?’

  ‘You mean, you wouldn’t mind?’

  ‘Not at all. I like children.’

  Chapter Twenty

  For the first three months of her pregnancy Nell felt tired all the time. The children visited them every weekend, and for some reason best known to herself, Cassie now decided that they should again stay overnight. Nell could have used the respite, and done without the disturbed sleep that this new regime occasioned, but didn’t like to complain as Rob was so openly delighted to have them.

  ‘I knew she’d never stick to it,’ he said triumphantly. ‘Too much like hard work.’

  One Saturday afternoon towards the end of June he took Josh and Rosie to their school open day. Nell debated whether to go too, but fearing that Cassie would be there and not wanting a confrontation, she decided against it. Now, standing at the edge of the vegetable garden hoeing a row of peas, she felt, as ever, ambivalent. As Rob’s partner maybe she should have gone with him for moral support? It was much more pleasant not to have to. But on the other hand was she, by her absence, indicating to his children that she was a person of little importance? No, she thought, I’m much better off here doing something useful. If Rob is obliged to live his other life occasionally, then I should be relaxed enough to stand back and let him get on with it.

  Later, sitting on the seat under the apple tree in the shade, she drank a glass of orange juice and was grateful for the rest. The afternoon was heavy with the sweet smell of the mock orange blossom. In the evening the nicotiana she had grown from seed would scent the air as well, attracting the dusk-flying moths. Nell breathed deeply.

  All too soon there was the sound of the Land Rover coming back down the hill, and she braced herself for the onslaught. But when it stopped, there were no high voices raised in argument or competition, and Nell realised with a lift of the heart that the children had not returned with him.

  ‘What happened?’ she asked, going to greet him. He looked harassed.