Out of Step

by Maggie Makepeace

  ‘You were right, Cassie was there,’ he said, ‘and she deliberately enticed Josh to go home with her. It was flagrant!’

  ‘What about Rosie?’

  ‘Oh, she was all for leaving her with me.’

  ‘Divide and rule, eh?’

  Rob snorted. ‘Well, I’m not having it. If she thinks she can dump Rosie on me whenever she feels like it and hang on to Josh, then I’ll more than likely end up barely seeing Josh at all. So I said it was both or neither.’

  ‘So you got neither. Tomorrow too?’

  ‘Yes.’ He looked fed up. ‘Stupid of me.’

  ‘It might be easier having them one at a time, in fact,’ Nell suggested gently.

  ‘Very possibly. But if so, I want it agreed at the outset.’ He slammed the door angrily and stumped off towards the cottage.

  Nell thought, A free Sunday! and then felt guilty. These days she and Rob’s best interests seemed always to be at odds with each other, just at the time when they ought to be pulling together. And now I’m three months pregnant, Nell thought. The die is cast. Soon it won’t only be me who’s out of step, but the baby too. What should I do?

  She tried to explain her feelings in the most general terms to Elly over the phone, when Rob was out in the garden turning the compost heap.

  ‘I don’t feel comfortable with the children,’ she confessed, ‘even now. I suppose your own are different because they have your genes, and behave in much the same way as you do. But other people’s are foreign and unpredictable. I feel I can’t trust them, and it upsets me.’

  ‘Sometimes one’s own feel like that too,’ Elly pointed out.

  ‘Mine wouldn’t.’ Nell was sure of it. ‘When you have a baby right from the beginning, it’s got to be different, surely?’

  ‘You’re not getting broody all of a sudden?’

  ‘Maybe.’ Nell was glad she couldn’t see her blush. She had decided not to tell anyone about her pregnancy just yet, not even Elly.

  ‘Not before time!’ Elly said cheerfully. ‘Well, best be off. I’m working again tomorrow so I’ve got to clean the house today. I’ll be down on the houseboat in the second week in July.’

  ‘Look forward to it,’ Nell said. ‘Bye.’

  I’ll tell Elly about the baby when I see her, she thought. I do hope it’s a girl. I’m glad Rob doesn’t mind either way. I’m really very lucky. I shouldn’t let minor irritants build up into major difficulties. I should be happy.

  ‘This is bliss,’ Elly said, eyes closed, settling her back into the slope of the dune and angling her face to catch the sun. She was beginning to feel truly calm for the first time in months.

  ‘You’ll cook to a crisp in no time,’ Nell said, pulling her cotton hat down to shade her eyes.

  ‘No. Factor 15 is the answer. Put some on your legs and you’ll be fine too.’

  Nell obediently applied suncream to her knees, and smoothed it down her calves. ‘How long will they be sailing?’ she asked, looking out over the mouth of the river to the open sea.

  ‘I’m not sure. I expect the boys will soon get fed up if Paul’s his usual dictatorial self. Maybe that Anna woman will see the light too!’

  ‘How’s he getting on living with her, d’you know?’

  Elly shrugged. ‘Dunno. He wouldn’t tell me even if it was hell. We only meet to discuss the boys these days.’

  ‘Cassie wants to meet me,’ Nell said. ‘She sent a royal command via Rob.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Well, why not?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. I sort of feel she’s too much in our lives as it is. It’s all intrusion and power play with her.’

  ‘But you must be curious.’ Elly wouldn’t have been able to restrain herself from having a peek at the Mad Cow by now.

  ‘Yes I am… Elly?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  Elly opened her eyes wide and sat up abruptly. ‘Brilliant! You are pleased?’ She felt a surge of affection for her friend.

  Nell smiled. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And Rob?’

  ‘Oh he rushed out straight away and bought me oranges for extra vitamin C. He was so sweet. He’s all for it.’ She looked happy, but somehow reserved.

  ‘I sense a “but”.’

  ‘No, not really. Rob is very keen on children. I’m so lucky in that respect. But I suppose I didn’t expect to have one so soon.’

  Elly brushed that aside. ‘Time marches on. Why wait?’

  ‘True.’

  ‘So that’s what you were on about the other week, on the phone! How far gone are you?’

  ‘Fourteen weeks.’

  ‘Fourteen weeks and you never let on?’ Elly feigned indignation.

  ‘I wanted to be sure.’

  ‘Oh,’ Elly said sighing, ‘I remember so well how I felt when I was pregnant with Sam. The first three months I was totally knackered all the time. The next three, I was all twitchy and randy. Paul didn’t know what had hit him! Then the last three, I was peeing all the time and so uncomfortable … But how are you? You look good.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Nell said. ‘I feel much better lately.’

  ‘Due at Christmas,’ Elly said, counting on her fingers. ‘Promise me you won’t call it Noel?’

  Nell laughed. ‘Promise.’

  ‘Horatio Hayhoe,’ Elly said, trying it out. ‘Or Hiram, Hercules or Humphrey …’

  ‘It’s a girl,’ Nell said, crossing her fingers.

  ‘Oh well, then, Hortensia? Hedwig? Hermione?’

  ‘I want to call her Charlotte,’ Nell said. ‘Lottie for short.’

  ‘Not bad. What does Rob think?’

  ‘He wants Lesley after his mother.’ Nell made a face.

  ‘Lesley Lottie Hayhoe!’ Elly chanted. ‘Sounds like Milly Molly Mandy. Oh, Nell, I’m so pleased for you. You’ll be a proper family when you’ve got your own.’

  ‘I only hope Rosie and Josh will take to it.’

  ‘Of course they will. It’ll bring you all together.’

  The sun was unrelenting. Elly put on a sunhat and turned over to give her back a grilling. Nell sat and dreamily contemplated the sea. It was flat calm and nibbling only gently at the base of the cliffs on the other side of the estuary. To the north of them the sky had turned black, and rumblings of thunder could be heard from the hills.

  ‘Perhaps it will rain,’ Nell said.

  ‘No chance,’ Elly said. ‘Have you got a hosepipe ban here too?’

  ‘Yes. We’ve been siphoning the bathwater out of the bathroom window to water the vegetable garden. The ground’s all cracked and …’

  ‘And what?’

  Nell didn’t answer. A thirtyish couple with a young girl were walking through the dunes and passing close by. Elly rolled over to look. The man and woman had their arms around each other and were giggling and gazing into each other’s eyes, stumbling over the uneven sandhills as they went, and laughing anew each time they nearly fell over. The little girl, who looked about nine, trailed slowly after them, kicking at tufts of marram grass.

  ‘Come on!’ the woman called irritably to her. The man was oblivious of her, digging his lover in the ribs and sprinting away across the beach. The woman hesitated, glanced crossly at the child again, and then bounded after him. The child followed, dragging her feet in the sand and making long skid marks.

  Nell and Elly watched her walking away from them in silence until she was out of earshot. ‘Poor little thing,’ Elly said then. ‘Did that look like a new relationship to you?’

  ‘With an unwanted leftover from the previous one,’ Nell agreed. ‘Yes.’

  ‘How can people do that to children?’ Elly demanded passionately. ‘Thank God that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about with Paul. He’d never neglect Will and Sam for any fancy woman.’

  ‘Rob’s the same. In fact he’s so conscientious about his two that sometimes I wish he’d be a little less single-minded, and pay me
more attention,’ Nell said honestly.

  ‘Not like that, though,’ Elly objected. ‘That was actual mental cruelty. I wish I’d said something now.’

  ‘What can you say?’ Nell stared out to sea. Elly made a small dismissive gesture and turned back to her sunbathing. After a moment, Nell said, ‘I think I can see Paul’s boat coming back.’

  ‘Already?’ Elly sat up again and peered past her pointing finger.

  ‘You’re right. That was quick. Damn, I suppose that means I’ll have to get back too. I don’t want him commandeering the boys this afternoon.’

  ‘Let’s both walk back,’ Nell suggested. ‘It’s a bit too hot for me here anyway.’

  They folded up the rug they were sitting on, and strolled back along the north bank of the Torrent, climbing the two stiles on the way and glimpsing the sledging field through the trees on their right. Like all the adjacent fields it was a very pale green, having recently been cut for silage. Polypeptide, with Paul at the helm, motored past them as the river narrowed. Elly waved to Will, who was standing on the foredeck.

  ‘Hi, Mum.’ His voice carried clearly over the intervening water. ‘Guess what. Sam fell overboard and nearly drowned!’

  ‘Look, there’s no need to carry on sulking,’ Anna complained the following day when she and Paul were alone again. ‘It was a shame that Sam fell into the sea. I’ve said so, haven’t I?’

  ‘That’s not the same as apologising,’ Paul said.

  ‘Why is it my fault all of a sudden? Will was there. You were there.’

  ‘We were both busy going about,’ Paul said. ‘You were the only one on the same side of the sail as Sam, and you know the boom swings across very suddenly.’

  ‘I also know that he’s your son; your responsibility. You might well have married Ermintrude so’s you’d have someone to blame, but don’t expect me to take that on board.’

  ‘God forbid,’ Paul said fervently.

  ‘And anyway, Sam’s perfectly all right so it was no great crisis, was it? He was wearing his life jacket, and you fished him out straight away. He hasn’t suffered any after effects, has he? It might even have taught him a useful lesson.’ She stuffed both hands into the pockets of her denim shorts as far as her thumbs, and rocked slightly on the balls of her feet. She could see that Paul was looking at her breasts, so she pushed them forward subtly to stretch the thin cotton T-shirt as tightly as possible across them.

  ‘Oh well …’ he said, distracted by the challenge. ‘I suppose there’s no harm done. Come here.’ He came round the back of the sofa and stood behind her, undoing her bra and the button at her waistband.

  ‘It’s too hot,’ she protested automatically.

  ‘It’s never too hot for this.’ He thrust the flat of his hand down the front of her shorts, and slid it through her pubic hair, searching delicately for the way through. She opened her legs fractionally to let him in and stretched backwards against him as he found the right place.

  ‘Juicy,’ he murmured in her ear, sliding his fingers in and out. ‘My little knickerless juicy Anna …’ After a while he withdrew his hand and began unzipping the front of her shorts. She bent forwards to take them off, but whilst they were still round her ankles, he entered her from behind, picking her up bodily and draping her over the low back of the sofa.

  ‘The blood’s all running to my head!’

  ‘Mine’s not,’ he said cockily, holding her hips firmly between strong hands. ‘Mine’s … in exactly… the place… where it’s most… needed!’

  Anna cradled her head in her arms and let him get on with it. It was a small price to pay for winning one battle in the war against his unreasonable expectations of her. Whatever happens, she thought, he’s going to have to learn one thing. I am not going to be a stepmother!

  *

  Nell had put on eye make-up to give herself confidence and a façade to hide behind in her first meeting with Cassie. She was determined to avoid any hostility, but felt absurdly nervous as she rang her front doorbell. What am I anticipating, she asked herself crossly, some sort of gorgon?

  The woman who opened the door was smaller than she had expected, and older-looking. She had large bags under her eyes and petulant creases on her forehead, but she was smiling after a fashion.

  ‘Come in,’ she said. She was wearing a pale summer dress and little high-heeled sandals which clicked on the lino of the hallway as she led the way to her sitting room. Nell’s flat canvas shoes made no sound as she followed her, stepping carefully past several overflowing cardboard boxes on the floor, and dodging a set of wooden wind chimes hanging from the ceiling, which tinkled melodiously as she passed.

  ‘You look just like Rob’s mother!’ Cassie said, in surprised tones.

  ‘Oh?’ Nell wasn’t sure what to say. ‘Did you know her?’

  ‘Heavens, no,’ Cassie said. ‘She died when he was a child. He must have told you that?’

  ‘Well, yes. But …’

  ‘I’ve got photos of her.’

  Nell glanced around the room curiously. Every flat surface was covered with things: paperweights, little porcelain bowls, candles, vases, ornaments, bits of paper, children’s toys … and framed photographs.

  ‘Rob took those,’ Cassie said, following her gaze. ‘He started when Joshua was born. I’ve got albums and albums of him in every conceivable situation and expression: awake, asleep, yawning, crying, smiling, serious, crawling, walking, you name it.’ She let out a little high-pitched laugh.

  She’s as nervous as I am! Nell realised, and felt better. ‘And Rosie?’ she asked, failing to locate more than a few pictures of her.

  ‘Oh well, by the time she came along I expect the novelty had worn off a bit. Would you like a coffee?’

  ‘Could I just have hot water?’ Nell sat herself down whilst Cassie went to put the kettle on. The house was shabbier than she had expected, but more interesting. There were ornate mirrors and tapestry hangings on the walls, and small terracotta plaques with mottoes. The floor was covered in brightly coloured rugs and, high up where the ceiling met the wall, there were several floaty cobwebs. It felt surprisingly friendly. She sat back and waited.

  ‘Just water on its own?’ Cassie asked, coming back in.

  ‘Yes, please,’ Nell said.

  ‘I thought it was important to meet without Rob,’ Cassie said, sitting down. ‘He always seems to put a block on things. I can’t imagine how long it’s going to take to get the money side of the divorce settled, if he sticks to that attitude.’

  Nell took a sip, but found her drink too hot.

  Cassie tried another tack. ‘I’m so worried about Josh,’ she said. ‘I think I’m going to have to get professional help for him. He’s just so difficult these days, and he has the attention span of a goldfish! I can’t seem to settle him to anything.’

  ‘Yes,’ Nell said. ‘I’ve found that too.’

  ‘I’ve been trying to arrange some activities for him,’ Cassie said, ‘but it’s all so expensive, and we’re permanently short of money. I’m even having to cut Rosie’s hair myself because it’s prohibitively expensive at the hairdresser’s!’

  ‘Rob’s paying interim maintenance,’ Nell pointed out. ‘He is doing his best. And we aren’t all that well off either.’

  ‘But you’ve got a job?’

  ‘Not a very well-paid one.’

  ‘Oh, I’d love the luxury of being able to work again,’ Cassie said, closing her eyes at the thought and then opening them very wide. ‘I used to be a television presenter, you know. That was so rewarding – socially as well as financially. I do intend to get back to it when the children need me less, but just at the moment I really don’t have the time, and of course I’ve been ill.’ She put on a brave expression.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Nell said.

  She’s got a pleasant face, Cassie decided. She’s a bit fatter than I imagined; not much of a waist. Pity her job is so low grade. Rob really needs someone with a bit more of an up-market career if h
e’s going to be able to support his children properly. But then again, maybe a homely sort is better for Josh and Rosie – a nanny figure. At least they get well fed when they go over there. She looks the type who actually likes to cook. Can’t understand that myself; life’s too short for daily slavery in the bloody kitchen! ‘So, do you like being buried all down there in the valley bottom?’ she asked her.

  ‘I love it,’ Nell said, looking animated for the first time. ‘It’s my ideal home.’

  ‘It’s certainly very different from here. Frankly I’m concerned about how both children are adapting to the two different regimes,’ Cassie said. ‘Josh often comes home in a highly excited state, and then won’t sleep all night.’

  ‘Well, we don’t let him run riot, you know,’ Nell said defensively. ‘We do have rules.’

  Cassie laughed. ‘I tried that at first,’ she said kindly, ‘but I soon discovered it’s a mistake to be too rigid. It never works and it just causes bad feeling. No, I was thinking, maybe if you were to keep him indoors on Sunday afternoons, doing something calming? You might make toffee together.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ Nell frowned. ‘I always encourage them to spend most of the time with Rob. I mean, that’s the whole point of having them, so they can be with their father, isn’t it?’

  ‘Officially, I suppose, but I sometimes feel that Rob doesn’t always know what’s best for them. Men aren’t as sensitive to emotional signals as we women, are they?’

  ‘Rob’s absolutely devoted to both of them,’ Nell said firmly.

  She’s not as biddable as she looks, Cassie thought. Pity.

  ‘Oh, and one other thing,’ she said, swiftly changing the subject. ‘I’ve discovered that if you get Rosie up at about four a.m. and pot her, she’s much less likely to be wet in the morning.’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Nell walked a little way along the river path early on the Saturday morning before the children arrived for a fortnight’s summer holiday. It’s all a question of mental attitude, she told herself. I’m going to take everything as it comes, and not get myself all worked up about things I can’t alter. She climbed the first stile and paused on top of it to look around her. The fields were yellow with drought. It was said to be the hottest July of the century so far, but so many weather records seemed to be being broken all the time these days. Nell wondered if it was a genuine phenomenon, or whether it was simply being studied more intensively; a preoccupation with climate reflecting the new Zeitgeist. I’ll walk as far as the next stile, she thought and then I’d better get back. She already felt ungainly even though the bump in her belly was very small. She patted it encouragingly. She was longing to feel the baby move inside her – incontrovertible proof that it really existed as a separate being.