The Sin, The Sun, & The Shame

by Leigh Mcknight

  “Go get washed up for dinner.” Mitch Junior dashed off toward the bathroom. He stopped and turned when his father called out to him. “If we get through with dinner in time, we may be able to watch a movie.”

  “Yesss,” Mitch Junior said, running off to the bathroom.

  * * *

  “Miss Hartford, you have come a long way and you are making remarkable progress. It takes time for someone to recover from the challenges you have experienced but it is wonderful to see that you are making great strides in your recovery, both physically and emotionally,” Phia’s therapist said to her.

  “Dr. Mattison, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help through all these years, first as my therapist and as my friend and confidant. Thank you so much.”

  “I can see how well you are doing emotionally but how are you feeling now physically?”

  “For the first time in my life, I am feeling like a real person, almost whole.”

  Dr. Mattison nodded her head back and forth in understanding.

  “I still have a few things I need to work out in my life and I believe then I will be the person that I want to be…complete.”

  “You said the most important thing to you is that you want to be in your child’s life. That you are going to make that happen.”

  “I have been without my child too long and believe it or not, I need him. He doesn’t need me but I need him and more importantly, I want him.”

  “And you still have not been in touch with your child’s father?”

  “No.”

  “Do you have some sort of plan of how you intend to reintroduce yourself into your son’s life through his father?”

  “No, I haven’t put any thought of how I am going to do it. I just know that I will, and it won’t be long.”

  “Are you still in love with him? The father, I mean?”

  “Yes I am.”

  “What are your plans for the future? What does your life look like going forward?”

  “Well,” Phia laced and unlaced her fingers. “I intend to continue to do the conferences and the speeches, encouraging women to live, take control of their lives but what is paramount to me is reconnecting with my son.”

  Dr. Mattison was silent for a moment as she smiled at Phia. She looked down at the scattered pieces of papers on her desk, she shuffled them into a neat pile and placed them into a neat pile and placed them back into Phia’s file. When Dr. Mattison looked up and made eye contact again with Phia, she said as she continued to smile. “I believe you are now ready to take that step to reconnect with your son and the part of your past life that you want, have always wanted and I am confident you will make it happen. Good luck with whatever you decide to do with your life.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.”

  Dr. Mattison pushed back in her high back swivel chair behind her huge mahogany desk and laced her fingers together before saying, “You are going to be just fine, Phia. Just fine.” Then she placed her hands on her desk and said, “If you need to come back in the next month or so for whatever you feel you need, please don’t hesitate to set up some time with my assistant.”

  “I will and thanks again for everything.”

  “You are welcome. Now, go live your life. Enjoy!”

  “I will,” Phia said and after a warm embrace between the two women, Phia left her doctor’s office with a huge smile on her face.

  CHAPTER 7

  The cab stopped in front of Angelina’s, a posh New York City nightclub and restaurant. Phia stepped out of the cab wearing a long sleeve white blouse and tight black straight leg pants that hugged her amazing curves like a glove and black sling back shoes, and she walked into the entryway of the restaurant. It had been years since she met with her friends to hang out and have some fun. Three months ago, Phia’s days consisted of doctor’s appointments, taking medication, chemo treatments and weak and sick to the point where she found herself heaving as she sat on the floor with her head bent over a toilet. For years, her body had been downright exhausted. But now that she had had her final chemotherapy treatment, she was eating regular meals and had regained some stamina. Phia was feeling on top of the world, and tomorrow she was going out of town to give a speech at a cancer awareness seminar. But tonight she was meeting Afrika, one of her best friends, and they were going to turn up.

  Phia and Afrika had been best friends since elementary school and although they had not seen each other in nearly four years, they had kept in touch. Throughout the years, Phia and Afrika had shared all their secrets. Well, all their secrets, except one. Phia had never told Afrika the circumstances surrounding what had happened to her child.

  When Phia entered the semi crowded restaurant and she and Afrika saw each other, the two young women raced to each other and embraced.

  “Afrika,” Phia said, happily, as she and Afrika released one another. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine, Phia. It’s so good to see you. How long has it been?” Africa replied, just as happy to see her friend. She reached up and touched Phia’s hair that she now wore much shorter than she did when the two last saw each other.

  “Girl, too long,” Phia replied as she removed a tissue from her purse and touched it to her eyes.

  “Don’t cry,” Afrika said, squeezing Phia’s hand.

  Once they were seated, Afrika reached across the table, touched Phia’s arm and asked, “So how are you doing?”

  “So much better now, girl. My last round of chemo is over, I’m not tired and feeling all yucky anymore,” Phia said. “That thing just wore me out, but I’m just grateful that it’s over. I’ve got a clean bill of health and I’m feeling great.”

  “And, you’re now cancer free.”

  “Yep. Cancer free,” Phia said and smiled.

  “I’m so grateful that you are and you look fantastic.” It was Afrika’s turn to remove a tissue from her purse and wipe tears that were flowing down her cheeks.

  “Look at you.” Phia reached across the table and brushed away a final tear from her friend’s cheek. “Who’s crying now?”

  “Ahh, shut up,” Afrika said jokingly and wiped her nose. “Like I am trying to mess up this face.”

  Phia and Afrika burst out laughing. Then Afrika pushed back in her chair and looked across the table at her friend. “You really look great and I even like that little short cut on you. The short do isn’t for me, but I suppose it look alright on you.”

  Afrika was gorgeous. She was the product of a mixed couple herself; Puerto Rican, Chinese, and she inherited the most gorgeous golden skin tone from them and she wore her hair below her waist.

  A waitress approached, took their lunch orders, and returned shortly with iced tea for each of them.

  “You’ve been through so much,” Afrika said before taking a sip from her tea glass. “Having the baby alone, the cancer, chemo, and you’ve come through all of it so well. I am so happy for you and so damn proud of you.”

  Phia smiled. “Thank you.” Then she said, “Girl, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I know and I’ve missed you.” After a moment, Afrika said, “I wish I could have been there for you. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Of course I do but how could you? We were both kids when all of this began. We were seventeen and that was when you and your parents moved away?”

  “When daddy’s job took him to Oregon, I thought my life was over,” Afrika said and they chuckled. “Really, I thought I would never see you again. But, Phia, tell me why did it take you so long to tell me what was going on with you?” Afrika wanted to know, concern clearly displayed on her pretty, chocolate colored face.

  “I didn’t want to worry you. I knew there wasn’t anything you could have done at that time and as time passed, all I could think about was trying to work my way through the hand that I was dealt. But all is well now. I feel terrific and all is well.”

  “Hopefully, we’ll never be far apart again,” Afrika said. “When you get back from
your seminar, we are going to go out and turn all the way up.”

  “That sounds like a plan. I’m ready for that. I haven’t done anything in quite a while.” Phia looked at her friend.

  After a moment, Afrika placed her hands, with her fingers laced, on the table. “How is your boy?”

  “As you know, I’m not in his life but I still check up on him from a distance. I didn’t tell some things you about my son. My son’s father was married but he’s not anymore. His wife divorced him and he’s never remarried,” Phia said and when she was finished, she had told her friend all of the circumstances surrounding her son.

  “You hired someone to keep tabs on what was going on with your son?”

  “Yes, with momma’s help and with all the negatives things that have happened, there were equally as many positives. As luck would have it, there was this wonderful housekeeper and nanny who used to live in my neighborhood and took excellent care of my neighbor’s children. Later, she moved to Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, in fact, the city where my baby’s father lives, to be closer to her daughter. As it turned out, she is now my son’s live-in-housekeeper,” Phia smiled widely. “When the investigator reported to me who my son’s live-in-nanny was, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe how blessed I was to have such a miracle land in my lap. I knew my child was in excellent hands. I know the kind of man my son’s father is and that he would do absolutely the right thing by our child no matter what he felt about me. So, as I said, I know my baby is just fine.”

  “That was more than luck. I’d say someone upstairs is looking out for you in more ways than one. Girl, you’re something else.” Africa smiled and gave Phia a high five across the table. “That is quite a story.”

  “My son is in daycare now but will be entering the first grade this fall. His daddy is making sure that things are fine with him.”

  “You took a huge risk in what you did. Did you ever think your son’s father might’ve given him up for adoption?”

  Without a moment’s hesitation, Phia replied.

  “No. Not for a second. In spite of everything he and I went through, I think my son’s dad is a really good person who was trapped in a bad situation, a very uneven marriage. He was soured about his marriage, which is partially what brought us together in the first place. He treated me badly but I believe he’s been treated badly as well.”

  “With everything that happened, I believe you’ve loved that man all these years.”

  “I’ve thought of him every day since we met.”

  Africa chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I was thinking that you went gangsta on his ass when you put him on blast back then.”

  “Don’t laugh, girl. I should have handled the situation better, but once I wrapped my head around my new reality, knowing I couldn’t take care of my baby or myself, I couldn’t think of any other way of handling it. That’s not an excuse, just a fact and with momma’s help and my son’s father just being the man that he is, I knew my son would be alright.”

  Afrika reached across the table to touch her best friend’s hand again. When she released Phia’s hand and reclined back in her seat, she asked, “Do you think you’ll see your son and his father again?”

  “You bet your ass I will,” Phia said with certainty. “My son’s father hates me like crazy but I’m going to be a part of my son’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but some way, somehow, I’m going to make it happen,” she finished, her voice trailed off as she looked out across the restaurant.

  “And knowing you Phia, it will happen,” Afrika said, pulling Phia from her reverie. “You are one of those women once you get something in that mind of yours, look out.”

  They chuckled.

  “Well enough about me. Tell me what’s going on with you? How are things with you and Jeff?”

  “Jeff. Now, that’s another story, Phia. Being involved with a married man was never anything I aspired to do. Never wanted to be the other woman, you know.”

  “When you told me Jeff was married, I was surprised because you were never about that life.”

  “I guess I am now.”

  “I don’t know why when you learned Jeff was married, you didn’t just put him in your rear view and kept it moving.”

  “Is this the pot calling the kettle black,” Afrika chuckled. “It was the circumstances under which Jeff and I met. By the time I learned he was married, I was already in love with the damn man. That shit just slipped up on me. I’m just keeping it one hundred. You know that’s how I roll.”

  Phia shook her head as both of them chuckled. “I know, and you know I’m not judgmental, especially with what I’ve done. Even though you’ve always done things out of the box, I never figured you to be the other woman, the woman who was willing to share a man. You going after a married man was surprising to me. For one thing, I know you’re not a fan of sharing your man. This is something different for you. Where do things stand with you and Jeff now? I know you two love each other. I know it was not an ideal situation, but at least your situation is one that you can see, be a part of in some small way, have sort of a relationship with even though perhaps you can’t say it’s completely yours. Who would’ve ever thought that you and I, precious little socialites that we were, would ever get involved with married men instead of the kind of men our parents would want us to be involved with?”

  “Jeff loves me. I know that but being the married man that he is, he doesn’t have much time for me, and that leaves me lonely and sad.”

  “You two are still just seeing each other once a week?”

  “Pretty much except on rare occasions, he will come by during the week for an hour, maybe two. You know Phia, I have asked Jeff on more than one occasion to let’s just go off somewhere and spend twenty-four hours together, but he can’t seem to find that much time for me.”

  “Afrika, that’s not asking too much. You have the right to not to just want, but demand to spend a little time with your man. Why is he not giving you what you’re asking for?”

  Their meals were delivered; cornish hens, baked potato, and green beans for Phia and prime rib, baked potato and corn for Afrika. A basket of rolls was placed on their table.

  “If Jeff is not at that job that he loves more than the food that he eats, he is doing someone a favor. You know, helping family or a friend or putting in even more hours at his job. I don’t know whether being the CEO of his own business is a blessing or a curse. I tell you, Phia, if I weren’t so in love with that man, I’d be long gone because a lot of guys are at me and they certainly could beat his time.”

  “But you are not interested in any of those guys.”

  “No, I’m not and there’s the sex. The sex is awesome. He really knows how to lay it down.”

  “I see. You’re in love with what’s hanging between his legs?” Phia laughed.

  “You got that right.”

  “Are you two planning anything before the summer ends?”

  “Well, he’s in Vegas with his wife now. They vacationed several times a year and I get one night maybe once every other month.”

  “You know how I feel about that. I told you before that that’s not fair. He’s got to be more considerate of you than that. If you’re gonna continue to spend time with him, you deserve so much more than that. And I know he takes of the cost of your condo, he buys you jewelry, nice clothes, shoes and he gives you all kinds of money, all of which you already have, but if he can’t give you some quality time, then I don’t know.” Phia lifted her hands in the air in a helpless gesture.

  “That is one of the reasons I’m still with him other than the fact that I’m so much in love with him.”

  “Well, when he gets back in town you need to have a sit down for a heart to heart with him. You have not demanded anything from Jeff, Africa. You are that easygoing, carefree type. Sometimes you just have to lay your cards on the table. Girl, tell the man what you want. Don’t allow him to make all the decision
s of when he’s going to see you and what you two are going to do. You don’t have to follow his rules. You two are in this relationship together and you two should make the decisions together. Don’t give away all your power and you know you got some power, girl.” Phia winked at her friend and they giggled some more.

  “I know. It’s a crazy kind of love, the kind that doesn’t completely do you right yet it doesn’t leave you alone either. As I said, it’s crazy, but I just don’t like to put any pressure on Jeff. He gets enough of that at home. That woman has it made and I don’t even think she knows it or appreciates the great lifestyle she has for that matter.”

  “I am not in the least concerned about what’s going on in Jeff wife’s life. You are my friend, my best friend and I want you to be happy. You told me some time ago that you don’t want to get married yet and that all you wanted to do was date Jeff and have him take care of you financially. Have you changed your mind about that?”

  “No and I know you think I’m crazy. But for now I don’t want a husband. Jeff does a lot for me. He has helped me to start my beauty treatment spa and it is doing really well. It’s a full service spa where women come in and have a nice glass of wine while getting full beauty treatments.”

  “Ouch,” Phia said and they giggled.

  When Tracy stopped laughing, she said, “Right. You know the works. Come in tired, rundown, and grumpy but leave recharged, restored, and reinvigorated.”

  “One stop beauty shopping, huh?” Phia said and they both laughed.

  “You got it,” Afrika said and laughed some more.

  “Putting some things aside, you’ve got a pretty good situation going for yourself. You don’t have to stay on the grind all day, you make a boat load of money, your man does take wonderful care of you, he sends you on great vacations,” Phia said, but Afrika interrupted.

  “Yeah, vacations that I take alone or with friends.”

  “I know, I know,” Phia said but she was thinking she would give up everything she had if she had the love of the man she fell in love with the day she met him and that had not changed.