Travesty

by Carrie Thomas

  I felt like I should say something, but for the love of me, I didn’t know what it was. I wanted nothing more than to tell her too, but I was afraid of complicating things even more. How would it work? I knew us trying to be together wouldn’t be a good idea. She was still in high school, and we had a shit-ton of crap to wade through with her still not having her total memory.

  “Soph—”

  “No.” She put her small fingers up to my mouth to keep me quiet. She had me read before I even knew what I was going to do.

  I kept watching her, thinking she was going to say something else, but she didn’t. She stared me into submission. I couldn’t hold out anymore. She’d just bared her soul to me. My whole world crumbled at her feet. “I love you too,” I whispered around her fingers.

  “I know.” She smiled.

  My logical side kicked in. I knew being on the run was going to be so much harder than what we were currently doing. I had no formal education, and I’d be damned if she didn’t at least get a high school diploma. She deserved so much more. I didn’t want to make her life harder. I wanted her to have it easy; to have every opportunity life could offer her.

  “Soph, we can’t. Cal, Tonya, Sam—Rob? Everyone thinks we are brother and sister. You need to finish school. It’s too big of a risk . . .” I was crazed with trying to make her understand everything we’d be giving up for even taking the chance.

  “I know all of this, Abe. I get it. We’ll keep up with our story because we have to. I wouldn’t do that to Cal and Tonya anyway.” She was so understanding; always followed wherever I led. I’d never had anyone trust me like that.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too,” she said getting up. “I know that it is too big of a risk. Someone would inevitably find out and then what? I get put in the system you worked so hard to get out of? You go to jail?” She sighed. “I just wish I could truly be with you the way I want to.”

  “I know.” I stood up and rubbed the top of her head as I pushed a rushed breath through my nose. The whole situation sucked.

  “What do we do?” Her stormy eyes searched mine for the right answer.

  I couldn’t give her one because I didn’t have it. I knew what I wanted, yet everything inside me knew it would demolish what we’d worked so hard to achieve. We’d broken so many laws, just by crossing state lines. Not to mention lying about who we were, the falsifying of ID’s and legal documents, and at the bottom of the crap pile . . . a freaking kidnapping. All of it was crazy.

  “We’re still young, Soph. We’ll work it out.” It was lame, but it was all I had.

  “I’m going to marry you one day.”

  Her words had my breath catching in my throat. I couldn’t exhale, I couldn’t do anything. Shocked into silence, I searched her face, thinking she would wink and tell me she was joking. She didn’t. Everything about her showed me she was serious as she’d ever been. We couldn’t even get to the point of dating and she basically promised herself to me forever and always. I swallowed the gulp in my throat, waiting for her to finish.

  “The timing sucks right now, but I feel it. I know we’re in a weird situation, and it may take a while for me to remember my old life. I’m not even sure I want to anymore.” Her eyes slid sideways, taking her into another world.

  My eyes followed her hand as she rubbed the scar on her wrist. Before I could respond, she spoke up again.

  “I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I feel like we’re going to be okay. We’ll take care of each other. I have never had an attachment to anyone like I do you. I can’t remember everything, but I feel this bone deep.”

  I’d banked on shriveling up and croaking the day someone said those words to me. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone I’d want to be around longer than an eight hour work day, let alone love. And I did love her. So much. The fact this girl just told me she was going to marry me, slayed me. She’d just paved my road with Grade-A concrete, while I’d been planning on dusty gravel. I couldn’t wait for the day she was mine and I could tell everyone.

  “I hope you’re right, babe. I can’t imagine my life any other way now,” I said caressing her cheek. I couldn’t have cared less about anything other than her in that moment. She was all I could see.

  “I know we have to continue on the path we’ve started. It’s not like we can move or change our story now. It’ll just give us more life experience.” She tried to smile, but it didn’t fool me.

  Even though we’d both opened up about the way we felt, it still didn’t change anything on the outside.

  “I’ve never wanted anything more. Even though the time isn’t right, I need you to know that. I want you.” I was so focused on her admission from earlier, I’d almost missed the part about life experience. “Wait. What do you mean, life experience?” I wasn’t following.

  “You know . . . you never end up with the person you date when you’re seventeen.” She shrugged, looking defeated.

  “Are you okay? I’ve never seen you like this. I’m a little worried,” I admitted.

  “Abe, I’m better than ever. I’m finally admitting the truth. As long as I know you feel the same way, we’ll get through it.”

  “I do, don’t ever doubt that. Let’s just get you out of school first. Deal?”

  “Deal. This is going to be diffican’t.”

  “Diffican, baby! We got this. One year isn’t so bad. After that, we’ll leave town and start over. By then, you’ll be legal and I’ll have some money saved.”

  Her smile was blinding. I wrapped my arms around her, finally able to breathe. The truth was out there. Well, between us anyway, and that’s the only thing that mattered.

  It was harder than ever during the following months to keep my hands off Sophia. I thought we would do better, knowing how important it was to keep a roof over our heads, but we both slipped up from time to time. It only made me want her more.

  She didn’t mean for me to hold back a groan every Sunday when she would bend over the dryer to fold clothes, but I did. She also wasn’t aware her dancing to the twenty-year-old radio in the kitchen while she cooked us dinner, drove me crazy. But it did. I was cognizant of every single thing she did. My insides felt like they were on fire just from her looks alone. My patience was wearing thin.

  We’d made it through winter and spring, carefully side-stepping each other. Sophia and Rob were still making time for each other. To be fair, she’d shied away from him, but he was still around at school, and they hung out with some of the same people. It was inevitable they would be around each other, and I didn’t like it. But she was right, she needed the experience. She hadn’t ever been with anyone, and I didn’t want her to regret her decision ten years down the road.

  I swallowed my pride and anger, knowing she needed friends more than ever.

  Tori and I had stopped seeing each other shortly after Sophia and I had our talk. She went back to college with her friends, and honestly, it was perfectly fine by me. Once I’d admitted to loving Sophia, it didn’t feel right being with someone else. It felt superficial and empty, not to mention, the betrayal.

  I didn’t want to upset Paco either, because I considered him a friend. She and I discussed it and decided it was for the best; we were both big enough to end things without bringing anyone else into it. I was just glad it ended amicably because I didn’t want any drama, especially for Sophia’s sake.

  We started a routine of eating lunch with Cal and Tonya every Sunday. Soph and I had become close to both of them. They were like older siblings to us, always giving us advice, while looking out for us. Tonya would be going to the hospital soon to have the baby. They still weren’t sure what they were having; Cal wanted it to be a surprise.

  “Hey, I’m going to take some pictures by the pond.”

  I looked up from under the hood of an old farm truck as Sophia made her way inside the barn. I was working late for Cal, trying to get the truck running so Paco wouldn’t have to take it into town th
e following day for repairs that would cost a fortune. A couple of the guys used it on a daily basis, so the longer it was out of commission, the less work would get done.

  “Are you going by yourself? It’s supposed to storm.” I didn’t want her to think I was being over-protective, but I didn’t like her out by herself when the weather was bad. And in Texas, that was every other day.

  “I’ll be fine. I’m not staying long,” she said crinkling her nose.

  “Okay, take your phone and be careful.”

  “Yes, Dad.” She huffed as she walked out.

  I tried not to smother her, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. I never laughed at her dad jokes either, because I knew the truth. Her dad didn’t give a shit about her; her mother had told me as much. I couldn’t understand the reason behind it. She was feisty, kind, sweet, and beautiful. Her parents had her because they wanted her, or they kept her anyway, why would they treat her like she was disposable at her age?

  As the weather worsened, it took all I had not to hop on the four-wheeler and go get her. The thunder and lightning rolled through the ranch, sparks flying through the sky like the Fourth of July. We liked stormy weather while laying around the house, but being stuck in the middle of it was completely different. I pictured her shivering and jumping every time she heard the thunder. I didn’t like not knowing if she was okay or not.

  She finally made it back home an hour later and sure enough, we were under tornado warnings throughout the night. Of course, she thought I was overreacting. I shrugged her off nonchalantly; all the while, glad she was back at home.

  Walking through the house, I locked up the doors and turned out the lights as we got ready for bed. The storm had turned violent and I figured we’d lose power any minute. I’d gone into the bedroom to tell her good night, but I could see something was bothering her. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m kind of scared. That thunder sounds like it’s right on top of us.”

  “It’s going to be okay. I’ve got the weather radio on.”

  “Will you sleep with me tonight?”

  I pictured the cartoon where the guy had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I shook my head, knowing I had to be the one with willpower. “Soph, it’s too—”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” Her lip trembled and I had a feeling it was more from my rejection than from the weather.

  I hated telling her no, and I hated disappointing her even more. “No, I’m being stupid and selfish.”

  “No, it’s okay.”

  “No. I got you. Here,” I said raising the blankets off the bed for her to crawl under.

  My emotions were all over the place. Every breath I took felt labored, yet calm. Every touch was comfortable, but intoxicating as my body trembled like I had no control over it. How I could feel all of this from being close to her was beyond me, but I wanted it—all of it.

  That was the first night I was able to hold the one person I had ever loved. Of course, I’d comforted her before, but this was different. I loved her, and she loved me back. She wasn’t even facing me, but her body melded into mine like our bodies were from the same mold. I held her like my life depended on it. I didn’t ever want to let her go, because when morning came, we would have to go back to living the lie.

  I’d already distanced myself from Rob the day after Abe and I had had our conversation, but I hadn’t actually said the words we are done. We hadn’t gone on any outings by ourselves, yet I was not treating Abe right by hanging around him with our friends.

  I was nervous walking into school. I didn’t want to face Rob throughout the day, knowing I was going to end things with him later in the evening. I was also having trouble thinking of what to say to him. What did you say to someone who has been wonderful, someone who treated you so well? It’s me, not you? I felt like I owed him more than that, but I couldn’t tell him the truth either.

  “What’s wrong, Soph?” Sam asked at lunch.

  I shrugged and continued to pick at my fries.

  “Trouble in paradise?” Ty asked sitting down at the table.

  “Why do you always think my life is paradise?” I asked.

  “Umm, hello? Your boyfriend is Rob-freaking-Morrison, and you live with that hard-body, bad-ass, blue-eyed hottie you call a brother. How the hell else would you describe it?” he asked raising his eyebrows.

  He and Sam had noticed my relationship with Rob was sorely lacking, so I made up stories along the way, saying Abe and I had gone back home to visit family. Of course, that was another lie, but I wasn’t sure how they’d take me just not wanting to be around any of them. I didn’t want to offend them or have them questioning me.

  “I’m gonna break up with Rob,” I announced.

  They both acted like they were choking on their food and turned to stare at me. I didn’t want to play games. I wasn’t into playing coy then have them badger me half the day about it. I figured just saying it would get it out of the way.

  “What? Why?” Sam asked looking around.

  “I don’t know. I like him, but I’m not feeling it.”

  “You’re not feeling it? Since when? You two are like school royalty. What about prom?” Ty asked.

  I sighed, not giving two craps about prom. “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s fair to him.”

  “Who is it?” Sam’s voice broke me from my thoughts.

  “What?”

  “Who’s the other guy?”

  “No one,” I tried to convince her.

  “I see it in your eyes, pretty girl. Is it someone from back home?”

  I thought about what she was asking. I didn’t even remember home. Abe was my home. “Something like that,” I admitted.

  “If that’s true, then you are right. That’s not fair to Rob, and it’s not fair to you either.”

  “I know. I’m going to tell him tonight. I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good guy.”

  Throughout dinner, Abe kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it just yet. Honestly, I think he liked Rob for me as a distraction, or well, the idea of him. If I was concentrating on Rob, I was more likely to not think about us, and what we couldn’t do. He always got quiet and made himself scarce when Rob was around. I was sure he tried not to think about me being with someone else too much, but he dealt with it better than I had.

  Just as I started washing our dirty dishes, Rob knocked on the door. My stomach clenched tight and I felt a wave of nausea flood my stomach, making me light-headed.

  “Hey, man,” he said to Abe as he walked inside.

  “Hey. Soph’s in the kitchen.”

  “Hey, babe.” He walked over and put his arms around me from behind. It was actually the first time he’d touched me like that in a while. I could tell it annoyed him when I dodged his affection, but I think he’d understood the fact I wasn’t into public displays. I’d told him as much, and with us not spending any time alone, it had been easier than I thought it would be to find ways around it.

  “I’m almost finished here.”

  Abe walked through the kitchen and into his room without another word. I knew what he was thinking and feeling. I remembered many nights spent alone in my room with those feelings, when he’d been out with Tori. I took my time putting the dishes up. Turmoil ensued on the inside. I’d never broken up with anyone before—not that I knew of anyway. I wasn’t sure what to say to him.

  I’d offer to still be friends, but I didn’t know how that would work. Everyone would be talking at school, and that was the last thing I wanted. There was no way I could be honest and tell him my heart didn’t jump in my throat when he was around, the same way it did with Abe. It was frustrating because I’d had snippets of feeling like I was on top of the world, but they only happened when I was near Abe. I so desperately wanted to feel that all of the time, and I couldn’t do that while leading Rob on.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” I asked, already feeling guilty.

  “I
don’t think I like the way you said that.” His eyes squinted, almost as if he were trying to read my mind.

  I walked over and grabbed his hand, leading him outside. It was a clear, warm night, so I took a seat on the top porch step and he did the same. “Rob, I like you . . . a lot.”

  “I like you too.” He smiled.

  “I’m not sure what to say because I’ve never been in this situation before,” I started.

  “About what? Just say it.”

  I breathed in through my nose and let it out slowly. “I think I would rather us just be friends.”

  “What?”

  “I’m just not ready for a solid relationship. You are about to leave for college, and I think it would just be better to end it now.” I cringed at how cliché I sounded.

  “So you’re just gonna tap out?” he asked getting angry.

  “I’m not tapping out. It just makes sense.”

  “I wasn’t planning on us breaking up. I’m only going to be two hours away.”

  “You know as well as I do how hard that will be on our relationship. The time and commitment it would take is something I’m not prepared to give right now. And I believe this is better for you too. You are going to meet new people and have new experiences.” I hadn’t planned on going into counselor mode with him, but I couldn’t tell him the truth.

  “So, that’s it? We’re over?”

  “I’m sorry, Rob. If it makes any difference, you are my first boyfriend. And you are so good. I don’t want to let you go.” Eww, I’m sinking deeper into pathetic waters. It’s almost insulting.

  “You don’t have to,” he said looking me in the eyes.

  I ignored his plea. “I want us to remain friends. I know it won’t be the same. And yes, people say that all the time, but I actually mean it. You’re a good person.”

  “Thanks, I guess.” He shrugged, like it didn’t matter. “You’ve been sliding through my fingers for a while now, I just thought you needed time. I suppose I was wrong.” His eyes lost some of their sparkle.

  I hated it, but it just wasn’t right. I couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. Abe and I had spoken the truth to each other and I felt like I was betraying him every time I let Rob talk to me, or heaven forbid, touch me.