So Twisted

by Melissa Marino

  “Hey you,” Aaron said, knocking on my door. “Can I come in?”

  I stepped out of the closet and sat down on the bed. “Yeah.”

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  “Nothing. I needed to…I was…Evelyn was telling me…about…blueberry muffins,” I said, panicked.

  “Blueberry muffins?” he questioned. He sat on the bed next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Odd topic, but I’ll go with it. Blueberry muffins: I love them.”

  Pulling away from his grasp, I jumped up. “Why?”

  “Why what?” he asked.

  “Why do you like blueberry muffins? Is it the muffin or the blueberry part you like? More importantly, why do you pick out the blueberries?”

  “What the hell is the matter with you?” He laughed.

  “Nothing’s the matter with me,” I said. “Is it so wrong that I want to know about your pastry preferences?”

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with it. It was just an unusual question, baby.”

  “Oh no, don’t start that ‘baby’ shit with me. I’m trying to get some hardcore answers here. Leaving the blueberry muffin out of it now, do you have any allergies I’m not aware of? Should I carry an EpiPen for some reason?”

  He looked at me blankly for several moments. “Ah. No. You don’t need to carry an EpiPen. You’re acting weird. Do you need to take a nap or something?”

  “No. I’m sorry. I’m just…tense.”

  He stood from the bed, his eyes looking me over. “Maybe you need to relax.”

  Maybe you need to not talk about reproducing.

  “I can help you with that,” he said as he backed me up against the wall behind me. He pressed his body into me, bringing his lips to my collarbone.

  “Um. No. Mmmm, that feels good. We can’t,” I said.

  He placed several kisses across my chest, his lips soft as they traveled across my skin. When he reached the area below my earlobe, he nibbled the area for a few moments before he pulled away, his warm breath lingering on my neck.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  I closed my eyes as the weight of his words sunk in, wanting to soak them in to a place deep inside me and keep them there forever. It was so bottomless, so unattainable—in words, it frightened me.

  “Are you really okay?” he asked, brushing his thumb against my cheek.

  “Yeah.”

  He took in a deep breath, the navy fabric of his fitted shirt stretching along with it. “I know that baby comment I made earlier must have freaked you out a bit.”

  I rested my head on his chest, relieved he could sense what was really wrong. “It definitely caught me by surprise.”

  “Well, I didn’t mean to catch you so off guard, but I was being honest. I think about these things.”

  I remained quiet once again, processing…turning it over and over…in my heart and my head. He did want a permanent commitment. He wanted a family. He wanted it with me. A wave of panic ran through me, causing me to shiver and try to recognize where all this fear was coming from. Fisting his shirt in my hands, I wanted him closer…closer…closer. I needed him. I stood on my toes to kiss him and forced my tongue to his mouth with such haste he stiffened under my grip.

  “Callie,” Delilah shouted from the stairs. “Is it time for the zoo?”

  He smiled against my lips. “I’ll guess I’ll see you later. Have fun today.”

  One more quick kiss and he left me shaking in my bedroom. I knew I should’ve told him how it was all too much for me, but everything else with us was so good.

  “Bye, baby girl,” he said in the hallway. “Come give me a hug before I go.”

  There was this nagging feeling inside of me, gnawing away at all the happiness I had. The way he looked at me, revered me, was the stuff dreams were made of.

  “Love you, Daddy.”

  And Delilah.

  She was getting the family she always wanted. I loved giving her that.

  There was so much good and I didn’t want to lose it. It all felt too good to stop.

  I didn’t want to stop the good to tell him how much he was scaring me.

  * * *

  “Come on, Callie,” Delilah said, tugging on my hand. “I see the giraffes.”

  The zoo was crowded, but was to be expected on such a beautiful day. It proved a good distraction from the morning events. We got close to the fence surrounding the giraffes to get a good look.

  “Can you take my picture with your phone?” she asked.

  “Of course,” I said, digging it out of my purse. “Move over a little so I can get the giraffes in, too.”

  I stepped back a bit to get everything in the shot, Delilah smiling cheerfully. She had on a pink shirt, which matched the embroidered flowers on her jeans, an outfit she proudly picked out on her own.

  “Ready?” I asked. “One-two-three.”

  I snapped the picture at the same time as my phone began to ring.

  Abel.

  “Come here, Delilah. Let’s go walk down to the elephants.”

  She ran over as I answered the call.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Just checking in,” he said. His voice was hoarse, no doubt from a late night working. “How are things going over there at the House of Sin?”

  “Really, Abel?”

  “Yes. Really.”

  “Stay close, Delilah!” I called after her, watching her slow down to wait for me before I returned to Abel. “Everything is,” I said, “crazy. I’m beyond overwhelmed.”

  “Elaborate.”

  Delilah was a few steps ahead of me, far enough out of earshot and too engrossed in her surroundings to listen. “It’s all too much. He’s moving way too fast, and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

  “What do you mean by too fast? I mean, aside from working for him, living together, and sleeping together.”

  “Every day it’s something new. ‘Callie, I put your name down as Delilah’s emergency contact for her gymnastics class if they can’t reach me. No need to have it as my parents anymore. That’s okay, right?’ Or ‘Callie, when we decide to get you a new car, we’ll get you one with a large backseat. No sense in getting something that won’t have enough room. What do you think?’ It keeps coming, more and more every day.”

  Abel sighed. “What do you tell him?”

  “What can I tell him? No?”

  “Well, yeah. You could speak up for yourself. Hell, I can barely make a crude joke or an inappropriate comment without you telling me to go to hell.”

  “That’s different and you know it. You’re a complete Neanderthal, and Aaron…well, I’m in love with him.”

  “So, because you’re in love with him you can’t say how you feel? That’s seems fairly fucked up.”

  “Are you even listening to me? I know it is, but I don’t know how to tell him without hurting him. You’re the one that told me that he was all or nothing. What if I tell him I want to pull back, and he freaks out?”

  “You know what? I think you want a guarantee, but that’s not happening. Listen, meet me tomorrow morning for coffee. We’ll get you all figured out. It’ll be okay.”

  “I have class in the morning, but can meet you at eleven at ChiJava for a few.”

  “That sounds good. Look, I know—”

  “Mommy? Is it time for lunch?” Delilah said, interrupting.

  I almost didn’t hear her say it, but as soon as it registered, I found it difficult to answer her. The breeze blew her blond curls into her face and she brushed them away as she squinted against the bright sun.

  “Did she just call you—” Abel said.

  “Yes.”

  “When did that start?”

  “Now,” I said, squeezing Delilah’s hand. “It started now.”

  * * *

  I didn’t want what we had to stop, but it wasn’t feeling good anymore. I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him it was all happening too fast, too soon. I wasn’t ready to be a mother,
a wife, Mrs. Aaron Matthews. I loved him, probably more than I should, and it was what was holding me back. What started off as purely sexual had evolved into something so different, so exquisitely different, but every day I lied to him it got more and more tainted.

  “Want a little pick-me-up in your coffee?” Abel asked, reaching into his jacket pocket. He lifted a silver flask out to me, but I shook my head.

  We were at ChiJava, as planned, and I was ready for Abel to help me figure things out. I rubbed my temples and considered his liquor offer. A small shot might settle my nerves a bit. But then again, I knew a horse tranquilizer was going to be my nerves’ speed. I had little concentration during class, and I’d even forgotten my phone at home, which I never did. I hated putting more lies on top of lies when I told him I needed to meet Evelyn after class because of boy problems. Her boy problems.

  “All right,” he said, taking a swig from his spiked coffee. “This is what you’re going to do. Put on something super sexy, like a short skirt with your garters showing. Wear it with a tight top that shows off your—”

  “Are you being serious? I mean, this is your brother.”

  “Sorry. I got carried away in wardrobe selection. My point was to give him a distraction, mainly yourself, and that way, when you let him know things are going a bit too fast for you, he’s too busy thinking about how hot you look to really process.”

  I gave him a dirty look. “That’s the most immature, ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Yeah, but so are men. It’s only to soften the blow. Then, you remind him of all the things you’re into him about.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Look,” he said, reaching across the table and picking up my hand. “I’ve seen him with other women, seen him married, and have never seen him as happy as he’s been with you. You need to get the truth out there because ultimately it’s the most important thing to him. You can do this.”

  “I hope so. Thank you for being such a good friend, Abel. Aside from Evelyn, you’ve been like my other best friend these last few months.”

  He laughed loudly and brushed his hand across his dark beard. “Well, I’d like to think I’m the voice of reason.”

  “You’ve been more than that. I’ll always—”

  Something slammed down in the middle of the table and stopped me. When my eyes focused on what it was and the hand it was attached to, my heart stop.

  “You forgot your phone at home,” Aaron said coldly. “I checked your last text to see if I could find out where you and Evelyn were meeting so I could bring it to you.”

  His jaw was clenched so tight, veins were protruding from his neck, thick and angry. The three of us were silent for a few moments; during that time, I focused on his eyes. I didn’t even recognize them. The stunning blue eyes which always put me at ease were hard, almost unfocused in their anger. I watched as his eyes shifted to Abel and my hands, still being held, and the pieces all came together. He wasn’t upset I lied to him about being with Evelyn, but he seriously thought something was going on between Abel and me.

  I pulled my hand from Abel’s. “Oh Aaron, it’s not what you think.”

  He threw his head back, an incensed, mocking laughter falling from his lips. “I thought you might come up something better than a cliché. Then again, you both think I’m pretty stupid, don’t you?”

  “Listen,” Abel stepped in. “You know nothing like that is going on.” He stood up and put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  Aaron shoved Abel’s hand from him, stepping back and glaring at him. “Don’t. Just…don’t. Christ, Abel. After everything, fucking everything. Fuck, you know how I feel about her.”

  “Now, hold it right there,” Abel said. His face began to show signs of matching Aaron’s anger. “Don’t make this into something that it isn’t. She’s your girl and we are not doing anything wrong.”

  “If there is nothing to hide, why the hell is that what you’re doing?” he asked. He turned to me and stared.

  “I wasn’t—I haven’t—” I said.

  “Oh please,” Aaron said. “Don’t embarrass yourself. Meeting Evelyn because she was upset? Nice to see there was no boy problems. Who came up with that? You, Abel? Or you, Callie?”

  Abel pushed against Aaron’s chest, leaving his hand firmly on his brother. “All right, she lied. So did I, but that’s it. It’s not like we do it all the time and—”

  “Whoa, wait,” Aaron held up his hand. “How long has this been going on?”

  I stood and reached for him, but the moment my fingers touched his skin, he jerked away. “Look, let’s go home, okay?” I said. “We’ll go home and talk this through, please?”

  He didn’t even look at me.

  “I’d like to have a word alone with my brother,” he responded.

  “All right,” I said, gathering my things. “I’ll wait outside.”

  I walked out, the afternoon sun bright and warm in my tear-filled eyes. I wondered if I should’ve left them alone in there at all, not knowing what kind of scene was going on. It was as if the universe was listening to every one of my worries and thought, You know, Callie, I think it could get a heck of lot worse. How about we give you this? I giggled sadly to myself. Maybe I could find some humor, some sad, twisted humor in the way I’d screwed everything up.

  Aaron stormed out of the restaurant, the door flung open and slammed against the side of the building. “I’ll meet you at home. Delilah’s at my parents’,” he said.

  Before I could respond, his back was turned, and he took off to his car.

  He couldn’t even look at me. Here I was worried about how our talk would go, and now all I could worry about was convincing him I wasn’t keeping things from him.

  But I was.

  All the way up to the home we shared, the house that sometimes felt like it reached the clouds, a dressing of numbness surrounded my body to protect me from what I knew was going to hurt me so badly. The front door was ajar when I got there, and as I entered, I listened for him but was only met with silence. Down the hall and toward the kitchen, I still heard nothing, and I briefly wondered if he was waiting for me upstairs. No. I knew where he was.

  I reached the third-floor door, opening it to a soft breeze that ran across my skin. I paused at the doorway, watching him gaze at the soft waves of Lake Michigan, his body rigid with stress.

  “Hey,” I said quietly.

  His head slowly turned, and he greeted me not with his usual smile or excitement, but with vacant eyes. He looked back out to the lake and began speaking with his back to me.

  “I shouldn’t have accused you two of anything. I know Abel wouldn’t do that to me.”

  I rushed to him, my hands lifting to touch him. “See, it’s okay. We’ll be okay,” I said.

  The moment my fingers met the side of his face, a place I had kissed over and over, he jerked away from me.

  “You’ve been lying to me, Callie. For months and months, you’ve been lying about these secret meetings with my brother and I want to know why.”

  I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, telling myself that it was time. It was time for everything I had been holding back, for everything I was afraid of to…

  Come out.

  Not knowing where else to start, I said the first thing that came to mind. “Abel knew from the start. In fact, I think he knew before we did.”

  I told him about that first night out with Abel and how we talked about Aaron the entire time, that same night we had made love for the first time.

  I told him Abel saw in him something he hadn’t seen in so long, and because he loved him, he gave me advice on how to proceed with him.

  I told him how Abel comforted my fears and insecurities about our relationship so that I didn’t have to burden him with it.

  I told him I had been riddled with guilt for hiding things from him, that today was going to be the day I told him everything.

  I told him
I loved him.

  Over and over again. I loved him.

  He didn’t interrupt, not once. He didn’t so much as even nod or show any emotion whatsoever, and when I was done, he took several minutes to process everything I said.

  “You know, I thought the idea of you messing around with my brother was bad,” he said when he finally spoke. “But in some ways, this, what you just told me, is worse.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He shook his head and rolled his eyes, seemingly incensed I wasn’t following him. “You went to my brother, Callie. Things you should have been talking to me about, you went to Abel, and talked to him about it. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “I was trying to work through things on my own, and talking to Abel helped me get perspective so I didn’t seem insecure,” I explained.

  “What were you so insecure about? I thought things with us were fine. In fact, I thought it was better than fine.”

  Tears I’d been holding in started to roll down my cheeks, hot against my skin. “We were fine, but Aaron, you’re pushing, you’re pushing me way too hard. One minute we were screwing around, the next we are in love, and the next you’re talking about having a baby. It was too much for me.”

  “Then why didn’t you say so!” he screamed, his tone and volume startling me. “Jesus, Callie, you let me walk around thinking you were as into things as I was.”

  “I was,” I shouted back. “I am, but you’re trying to make me into something I’m not. You’re hurt that I kept that from you? I’m sorry, but it hurt me just as much that you don’t know who I really am.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he spat, his face red with anger.