So Twisted

by Melissa Marino

  “It means dressing me up a day after we finally admitted our feelings so you could make a point to yourself and your family. You wanted everyone, including yourself, to know you weren’t just banging the nanny. I mean, you got me all fancied up in designer clothes and diamonds knowing full well your family would know I could never afford any of it. And honestly, I’m not even sure it had anything to do with money, or any of it. You wanted me to play a role and for a long time I tried to.”

  His jaw dropped open and he stood still. “That is untrue.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes, it is.” He roared, “Shit, Callie! You know what? I’m not going to let you turn this around on me. If you weren’t cool with going, or anything else, you should have opened your mouth like an adult and told me.”

  I gasped at his blatant jab at my age. “I wondered how long it would take you to blame all my concerns on my age.”

  “Well, it certainly is starting to show now.”

  “You were moving way too fast for me. I was scared to tell you because I was frightened of your reaction. Now, I can see I was right to be nervous.”

  “I am not angry about you wanting to slow things down. I’m angry that you lied.” He ran his hands roughly through his hair, just as he’d done earlier, but now he held on tight to it in his two large fists. “God. It’s like you don’t know me at all! Like you have no clue how lying and deception and keeping things hidden messed up my marriage with Lexie. That it took me years…fucking years…to recover from that, and the only reason I did was because of my daughter.”

  “How would I know that? All you ever said was that she didn’t want to be a mother. This is what I’m talking about. We barely know each other, really know each other.”

  His eyes continued to rip through me. There was no balance between anger and love there. He was all indignation. I wanted to run, as far away as I could, to stop the pain that flooded me.

  But there was no place to run. I had to stand there, with his cold eyes on me, and my body trembling with heartbreak and dread.

  I needed him to understand.

  “Aaron,” I said, wiping my cheeks of tears. “This is what you need to understand about me now. I have been working my ass off for years…years! I’ve never had anything of my own. Even my degree is owned by someone else until I can pay for it! So now, for the first time, I may be able to have something for myself, to enjoy the freedom I earned, but instead, I have you talking about babies and Delilah calling me ‘Mommy.’ I can’t…”

  “You should have…” he interrupted.

  “I’m not done,” I shouted. “I can’t give any more to you than I already am because I’m still trying to figure me out. Me, Aaron. I don’t know who the hell I am if I’m not working all the time, going to school and worrying about everyone and everything else. I know I should’ve told you, but instead, I defaulted to what I knew…trying to be what you wanted.”

  He bit down hard on his lower lip as his eyes looked to the sky. “I didn’t want that. I never wanted anything different than what you are. I wanted the smart, funny, energetic woman who kicked my ass at Ms. Pac-Man and cared for my daughter with such devotion. I wanted you.”

  “And the sex, too, right?” I’d regretted saying it immediately as the words left my mouth, but there was an element of truth to them. The sex came first with us, and sometimes it seemed like all other emotions that followed were blurred because of it.

  “Is that how you feel?” he asked. “That it was just about sex?”

  “No.”

  “Good because don’t confuse it, Callie. Good sex, no, great sex, the best sex of my life never held a fucking candle to how I felt about you.”

  Felt.

  Past.

  He shifted his weight back and forth, like the emotions were crushing him. I wanted to make it better, make it all go away, but I couldn’t do that if it meant sacrificing myself. It didn’t mean I didn’t still love him. I still did, but wasn’t going to drown myself to save him.

  “I could say sorry for a million things,” I said. “But the thing I’m most sorry for is that it took me this long to tell you how I really feel.”

  His eyes moved to the lakefront again. A chill ran through me that had nothing to do with the temperature, but with him removing the warmth he’d encircled me in for so long.

  “I’m sorry it took you so long, too,” he said without looking at me. “It was stupid of me to think that with all of the shit stacked against us this could actually work. So fucking stupid.”

  I shook my head. “It wasn’t stupid. I never expected to fall in love with you, but I did. I do.”

  He continued to avoid my eyes, the place where I knew he’d see truth. Maybe he wasn’t ready for that.

  “So what do we do now?” he asked. “Rewind? We go back to how things were? I pretend you didn’t lie to me about how you felt. I rewind to before I fell in love with you, and ignore the fact that the whole time you trusted my brother more than me with your feelings? I pretend you see a future with me?”

  “I never said that. Of course I see a future. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. And frankly, stop acting like it was this enormous betrayal with Abel. We were talking, not fucking.”

  His head turned and his features had passed from anger to something much, much worse. “You don’t get to explain to me about betrayal. It may be minor to you, I’m sure it was to Lexie when she lied, but those little things all come together. Then, without even seeing it coming, BOOM,” he shouted. “It destroys everything. So, forgive me for being emotional.” He drew in a deep breath, attempting to regain some type of composure. “Now, answer my question. What do we do now?”

  I had no idea. None at all. I was drowning in guilt and anger and sadness. But the one thing that rose to the top of it all was how much I loved him.

  “I don’t know what we do,” I whispered.

  In two swift steps, he stepped in close to me, towering above me with his chest heaving in madness. “And that right there is something I can’t get over. You didn’t think about what this would do to me, or more importantly, to Delilah.”

  “I love that little girl more than anything. I did what I did, but don’t you dare spin it to be like I don’t love and care for her.”

  He bit down on his bottom lip as I saw tears form in his eyes for the first time. “Well, that’s the thing, Callie. Delilah and I are a package deal. You ruin me, you ruin her.”

  I reached for his face and this time he didn’t back away. My hand cradled the side of his face, and he hesitantly eased into my touch as his eyelids closed. Relief washed through me, knowing my touch and all he knew of my devotion to him would be enough to ease him. He’d feel it. He’d remember all we shared, that I loved him and that he loved me. He’d know this was a bump in the road, a minor detour.

  He held still in my hand, every passing moment reassuring me more and more he’d understand.

  Then his eyes opened.

  And I knew.

  I’d lost him.

  “I want you out,” he said almost calmly. “Now.”

  “Okay,” I said, drawing my hand away from him. “I’ll stay at Evelyn’s tonight and tomorrow after we both have time to calm—”

  “For good. Not overnight.”

  He said it so…simply, like it was easy. My insides were being torn apart as he decided to change our lives. Completely.

  He stepped away and started toward the door. “I’ll tell Delilah…something. I don’t know. I need to think.”

  I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t catch my breath, my eyes blurred through tears. “Are you kidding? You’re not going to let me say good-bye to her?”

  “No,” he said without hesitation. “She’s going to be devastated enough as it is without seeing you like this.”

  I wanted to run to him and grab his clothing, his skin, whatever was left of us…anything, to make him listen.

  “Aaron,” I pleaded.

  He stopped. “I
don’t like surprises, either, Callie,” he said without turning to look at me.

  His final words to me were loud and clear in the slamming of the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  AARON—

  She was gone by the time I got home.

  She did what I asked and she was…gone. It should have been a relief, but all I felt was emptiness. Walking into the quiet house, no sounds of her laughter or of Delilah’s who was staying the night at my parents’, was a sickening reminder of what had happened. In one day, my life had been turned upside down, leaving me broken.

  I went upstairs and entered her room. It looked exactly how it had before she had moved in. Empty. Peeking into her bathroom, I saw none of her things were scattered across the vanity as they had been that morning. Brushes and hair ties, perfume, and makeup were all gone; just the faint smell of her shampoo lingered. Walking back into the room, I eyed the closet. It was empty except for a Saks Fifth Avenue garment bag and shoe box directly next to it. I knew before even looking what it was, but I felt the pull to make sure. As I reached the closet, the zipper to the bag was slightly down on top, revealing the stunning cobalt-blue color of the dress she’d worn.

  I sat down on the edge of the bed and lowered my head into my hands, feeling the tide of overwhelming emotions trying to drown me. Anger, hurt, sadness. The moment I would focus on one, another would flood in and replace it, all the while the same question circling through each of them.

  How the hell had this happened?

  How had she said she loved me, just that morning, and now she was gone? Lies. It was always lies. The path I traveled with Lexie, the lies she had interwoven into our lives, should’ve made me more aware of someone who would do it again. All it did was make me into a fucking fool. My head had screamed at me that getting into a relationship with her was a bad idea, but my heart screamed back louder. I’d lost the battle before it had even begun. I fought and fought, but at my weakest, my lips touched hers and I knew.

  She was the one.

  And now she’s gone.

  I was hollow.

  I would deny it and try to force it away, but touching her, kissing her, making love to her only made things clearer. She was what was missing. The thing that always felt out of reach with Lexie, the ache at the core of my loneliness even after we divorced was extinguished with Callie. She soothed the pain and filled the emptiness. I felt whole and it blinded me. Now, there wasn’t a hint of joy left in me. All that was left was a huge, gaping hole in my heart, a heart so damaged I didn’t even know how I was breathing.

  I couldn’t sit in this room and look at everything that was gone. I’d have to get rid of the bed. Maybe all the furniture. If I had to start fresh, I needed it all gone.

  I’d have to ask my mom for help with Delilah while I was working. Shit. Here I go again. All over again. Single parenting and depending on others to help me. This was why I wanted to have a nanny, someone to live with me and take care of Delilah while I wasn’t around. Someone I could count on and trust with my daughter. Callie was all those things, but it had gotten all messed up. Now, there was no way I could have someone new in the house to help me. Not only would I not confuse Delilah like that, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look at another woman, a nanny or otherwise, in this house without being painfully reminded Callie was missing from it.

  With my body and mind numb, I stood from the bed and turned to leave the room, but as I passed her dresser, I noticed the box sitting there. Just like with the dress, I didn’t need to open it to know what was in there, but again, I felt compelled to. I walked over and ran my fingers over the top of the small box, feeling the smooth velvet and remembering how I felt giving it to her. Excitement, nervousness, but ultimately, I felt certain. Callie was my future, just as I’d told her once the earrings were on her. I was filled with such naive belief we were on the right road, I never could’ve foreseen where we ended up. Now, all that was left of my future with her were the gifts I had given her, left behind, in an empty room.

  I put the box in my pocket and went downstairs, stopping in the kitchen to put something together for dinner. As I stood in front of the refrigerator, I quickly realized I didn’t want to eat. I wouldn’t be able to stomach any food if just looking at it was making my stomach churn. I slammed the refrigerator door shut and reached into the cabinet next to it to grab a bottle of Johnnie Walker and a glass.

  I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to sit in my own damn house and remember her in every single inch of it.

  I didn’t want to feel a fucking thing.

  * * *

  “Did you hear me? Wake up!”

  I slowly opened my heavy eyes and was immediately sorry I did. The sunshine coming through the windows burned my eyes, and my head felt like daggers were being shot through it. My eyes tried to focus as I noticed Abel standing above me, but everything was a blur. My hands tried to push my body off from the living room floor, but I couldn’t.

  “Look at you,” he said. I could barely make out the disapproval in both his tone and eyes. “Passed out on the floor of your living room with an empty bottle of whiskey.”

  “What do you want Abel?” I questioned. My speech came out distressed and loud.

  He shoved my shoulder hard. “You’re still fucking drunk. Unbelievable.”

  “So what? What the hell do you care?”

  “Actually, I don’t care. In fact, you can drink yourself into oblivion if it makes you feel better, but something tells me that it won’t.”

  I struggled to sit up, my body aching from the position I passed out in. I climbed onto the couch and sat my tired body down. “Whatever. Get out of here.”

  “I will, but not until you hear what I have to say.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, I’m sure you have a lot to fucking say. You have all the answers, don’t you?”

  “Let’s get something clear,” he said, bending over to look me in the eye. “You can drop the attitude. I want you to sit there, listen to what I have to say, and keep your damn mouth shut for once.”

  I rolled my eyes at him and sat back against the couch, letting him say whatever he had come over to say.

  “I have no idea how you could’ve thrown her out like that nor do I have any idea what the fuck you said to make her so hysterical, to the point she’s practically catatonic right now. What I do know is she had to pack all her shit in fucking garbage bags because she had no boxes or anything besides one suitcase. I also know this high-and-mighty bullshit of yours has got to stop, and I’m here to tell you, if you let her get away, you deserve every bit of what’s coming to you.”

  I couldn’t have interrupted him if I wanted to because I was so stunned by his words and accusations. I let it all sink in, and with every word I replayed in my head, every emotion I was able to process, a fiery rage erupted from deep inside of me.

  One moment I was sitting there, the next I was pushing him away from me so forcefully he fell to the ground. I wanted to hit him, hurt him, not only because of what he said, but because he was the only thing near me at the moment that I could make hurt just as badly as I was. Instead I picked up the empty Johnnie Walker bottle and threw it against the wall, and shattering the picture frame it hit, shards of glass flying everywhere in a shower of destruction.

  “Where do you get off?” I screamed. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  He got to his feet and charged toward me, getting up in my face. “I know exactly what I’m talking about, and I think you know it. Where the hell do you get off being self-righteous?” he shouted.

  “Get out of my house,” I said. I was trying to stay as calm as possible because reeling in my anger was the only way I wasn’t going to bash his face in.

  I turned from him and started to walk away, but he grabbed my shoulders, stopping me. “You know I’m right. You judged her and didn’t even give her a chance to explain.”

  “She lied to me.
For months…,” I shouted, but he cut me off.

  “So what? Yes, she lied about talking to me about shit, but is that such an unforgivable thing? This is what I mean about you being self-righteous, thinking you’re so fucking perfect, wanting everyone around you to be the same. You don’t want to hold any responsibility in what happened.”

  “Responsibility? She’s the one who kept secrets.”

  “Aaron,” he said, taking a deep breath and trying to get control of his own anger. “She’s not Lexie.”

  “I know that and Lexie has nothing to do with it. In fact…”

  “She’s not Lexie, she didn’t intentionally betray you,” he repeated. “You knew before you married Lexie it wasn’t right, that things didn’t feel right. You told me Callie healed you and you never felt so complete with someone. She loves you, Aaron, and you love her. Don’t throw it all away.”

  His tone was more even, controlled, than before and it sent a chill through me. “She lied to me.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying that, but didn’t you keep some stuff from her, too?” he asked.

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “You were checking her out from day one. You wanted in her pants as soon as you saw her. And even more so, you haven’t told her shit about Lexie and the damage she caused you.”

  “Of course, I was attracted to her, but I didn’t hire her so she’d be around for me to fool around with. Plus, I didn’t want to bring anything with Lexie into what Callie and I had.”

  “But that’s lying! Keeping something that huge was information she needed to know.”

  “I know or I knew. I was going to, but then it was too late. I was in love with her and didn’t want anything to fuck it up.”

  “Well, Aaron, way to make it all about you.”

  “It’s not only about me and you know it. If things were moving too fast, she should have said. Instead, she went crying to you about it, and now I have to tell my daughter she’s gone. Delilah is going to be devastated. I’m not responsible for that.”

  “Has she ever, ever, been anything but amazing with Delilah? From the moment she got here, she was loving and attentive toward her. I never heard her raise her voice or anything. She didn’t hurt you or Delilah on purpose. She was scared. That was it. You talking babies and marriage pushed her too hard, and I’m sorry, you should’ve known better.”