So Twisted

by Melissa Marino

  It was like Callie’s words were being repeated all over again. I didn’t think there was any way I could feel worse than I already did, but Abel was proving me wrong. The one person I thought I could count on always was the same one throwing everything back in my face.

  “Whose side are you on?” I asked softly.

  He breathed in deeply and was silent for a moment. “I’ve always got your back, Aaron. I always have and I always will, which is why I have to point out when you’re fucking up. Callie’s destroyed. Can you imagine how it felt to be kicked out? Completely discarded like you never gave a shit? And before you say anything, I know you’re angry about her confiding in me with stuff behind your back, but you making her leave without saying good-bye to Delilah was the worst thing I’ve ever seen you do.”

  My stomach turned, the mixture of alcohol and the sickness of Abel’s words. “I can’t be lied to again. I’ve been down that road, and all it got me was divorced and feeling worthless.”

  “What aren’t you hearing? She isn’t Lexie, and if you don’t get it through your head that every woman isn’t, then you’ll be alone the rest of your life. You keep talking about lies and deception? What were you doing going through her text messages?”

  “She left her phone,” I yelled. “I was going to bring it to her wherever she was with Evelyn, but instead I saw your message to her, and well, I scrolled through some other messages. You know how the rest of it went.”

  “Yeah, with you jumping to conclusions. Did you ever stop to think what you might have done to our relationship by throwing accusations around like that?” he asked angrily. “How could you possibly think I’d ever do something like screw around with the girl you’re with? Do you have any idea how insane and hurtful that is?”

  “I know you wouldn’t, but in that moment it seemed—”

  He held up his hand to stop me. “I’ve never fucking lied to you. Ever. How you could jump to a conclusion like you did, I’ll never know. And you can say whatever the hell you want, but you invaded her privacy. So what if she didn’t have her phone? You knew she’d be home soon, or when she realized she didn’t have it. I think you were snooping around, and you found exactly what you were looking for. A reason not to trust her because you’d been waiting and watching for it.”

  “I’ve had enough! Stop!” I shouted, pushing my palms into my eyes in angry frustration. “You think I wanted this? Do you think I’m not torn up inside because she’s gone? She was it for me. There has been nothing, fucking nothing, except for Delilah in my life for years, and Callie walks in and changes my life. So, don’t try and pretend you know better than me because you don’t.”

  I moved myself onto the couch and threw my hands across my face. Pain, from my head, my heart, fucking breathing, caused me to gradually fall apart. I was so angry and the only person around I could take it out on was standing in front of me.

  What the hell did Abel know? He didn’t know how deep it ran for me with her. How when she smiled, a heat warmed across my chest. How when I saw her with my daughter, who I thought would be her daughter one day, a peace I hadn’t felt since the day Delilah was born came over me. How I could barely acknowledge the idea she wouldn’t be in my life any longer. He didn’t know.

  I didn’t even know anymore.

  Why didn’t she just tell me? If it isn’t want she wanted—if I wasn’t what she wanted—why didn’t she say so?

  It was then it hit me. Maybe it was me she didn’t want.

  The weight of those words crushed me as I forcefully rubbed my eyes to stop the burning tears from emerging. Abel moved next to me and rested his hand on my back, an attempt to remind me I wasn’t alone.

  We sat like that for I don’t even know how long. His hand never left my back, and I knew it was his attempt to make peace.

  “Take a shower, sober up, and go pick up your daughter,” he said. “And if you want to talk, call me.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  He got up and left, and I didn’t even watch. I knew I was alone again.

  After an hour-long shower and an almost full pot of coffee, I left the house to go pick up Delilah from my parents’. The entire ride there I went over and over in my mind what I was going to say. By the time I walked through the front door, I didn’t know if I could do it. All I wanted to do was come clean with my parents, to unload the truth, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear “I told you so.”

  “Hey there,” I said, entering the kitchen.

  “Daddy,” Delilah said, running to me.

  I swept her up in my arms, squeezing her tight and brushing my hand over her soft curls. I’d had no idea when I dropped her off the day before all that would’ve transpired. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and put her down when I noticed my parents looking at me oddly.

  “Hey, sweetie. Why don’t you go get your things before we go, okay?” I said.

  “Okay.”

  I waited until she ran out of the kitchen before facing my parents. Just like I always knew when Delilah wasn’t feeling well, my own parents knew when something was wrong with me.

  “You look exhausted,” Mom said. She set a plate of cookies on the table and sat down next to my dad.

  “Long night,” I said.

  “Where’s Callie?” she asked.

  I closed my eyes and silently reminded myself that the faster I said it, the faster it would be over. Then I could leave. My eyes opened, and I lied.

  “Callie’s mom fell down her basement stairs. She banged herself up pretty good, so Callie flew out to California to be there.”

  “Oh my goodness,” Mom said. “How is she? Did she break anything?”

  “I don’t know a lot of details, but there were some broken bones. She’ll be okay, but Callie is going to stay out there awhile to look after her.”

  “How long?” Dad asked. “What about her school? Didn’t the semester just start?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll find out more later, but Delilah doesn’t know yet and I don’t want to tell her until later.”

  “Of course. And it goes without saying, I’m happy to look after her until Callie gets back,” Mom said, standing back up. She stepped over to the counter and picked up a pad of paper and pen. “I want to send flowers. Do you have her mom’s address?”

  I shook my head. “I’ll get it to you, but it’s not necessary.”

  “Well, we know it’s not necessary, but we want to,” she said.

  I rubbed my hand across my forehead, trying to massage away a headache. “Yeah. Okay. I need to get going.”

  I started to head out of the kitchen, but Dad stood and stopped me. “This must be a lot to take in. You okay?”

  Concern was written all over his face, along with Mom’s who came up behind him. Having to lie about the situation to them was bad enough, but knowing that they were probably seeing right through it was more than I could take.

  I’d tell them the truth. I’d tell them tomorrow or maybe the day after that.

  “Yeah. I’m okay,” I said.

  * * *

  Ice cream. Ice cream would soften the blow for Delilah. So, that’s where I took her.

  “Baby girl?” I said, as we sat at Scoops.

  She looked up from her sundae, chocolate smearing the sides of her lips. “Hmm?”

  “When we get home, Callie isn’t going to be there,” I explained, a large lump in my throat making it difficult for me to talk. “Her mommy fell and she had to go help her feel better.”

  “Where is her mommy?”

  “A place far away from here.”

  She scooped a large bite of ice cream into her mouth. “When I was sick, Callie gave me ginger ale,” she mumbled. “Did she give her mommy ginger ale to make her better?”

  “I don’t know, sweetie.”

  “Daddy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can we go to the pet store after this?”

  I breathed in deeply, briefly relieved she wasn’t asking mo
re questions. I knew, in the days that followed, there would be many more. “Sure.”

  “Daddy?”

  “Yes, baby girl?”

  “Is Callie going to come home soon?”

  For the first time all day, I didn’t have to lie to anyone, most importantly my daughter. “I don’t know.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  CALLIE—

  Callie? Come on, sweetie, wake up.”

  I felt a small hand on my lower back, rubbing soothing circles and trying to gently wake me up. I could tell before I even opened my eyes that it had to be late afternoon. My head had that weird fuzzy feeling you get from sleeping too much, and the sun hitting my closed eyelids wasn’t as strong as morning rays. Still, I didn’t want to open my eyes, regardless of the time.

  “It’s almost three in the afternoon. Do you have something against sunlight these days or do you just prefer to wallow at all hours?” Evelyn asked.

  Her daily motivational speech was neither uplifting nor welcome, but considering how beat down I felt, I didn’t have the energy to tell her to fuck off.

  “It has been almost three weeks,” she said.

  When I still didn’t respond, she sighed loudly and sat next to me on the bed. “I’m not trying to be insensitive, Cal.”

  “Well, you are,” I said.

  I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up, my back cracking and achy from all the time spent lying in bed.

  “Sorry,” she said. “I’m worried. You shouldn’t let what he did to you affect you like this. Consider it a blessing that he showed his true colors.”

  “Give me a fucking break,” I barked. “You’ll be very happy to know I’m going back to school today and starting work tomorrow. Happy?”

  I really had no business being angry with her, considering how amazing she’d been to me. I showed up at the apartment, crying and with all my stuff after Aaron kicked me out. She held me while I cried, listened when I talked, and ultimately when I retreated to my bedroom to stay hidden, she let me be. Well, at least until recently. I was sure at some point my moping turned into depression and depression turned into a full-on emotional breakdown which concerned Evelyn. I didn’t know what to categorize my state of emotions as because all I felt was empty and numb.

  Nothing.

  No smiles or joy. No little girl laughs or matching shoes. No kisses. No feeling his warm breath on the side of my face in the morning. No intimate touches. No looks of longing and goofy jokes.

  No I love yous.

  It hurt more than I could have ever imagined, more than I could even comprehend. All the love and affection I felt from him was equally replaced with pain and anger.

  Evelyn rested her hand on mine. “I’m glad you’re going back to school, sweetie, but what work are you going to?”

  I threw the covers of the bed off me and pushed myself out of bed, past her. “Venom,” I responded quietly.

  “What?” she exclaimed.

  I walked across the hall to the bathroom, calling back to her before shutting the door. “Calm down. It’s no big deal.”

  “No big deal?” she asked. “Why the hell would you go back there? What…you miss the shitty hours and drunken slobs?”

  I turned around in the doorway. “No, Evelyn. I don’t miss anything. Not the puke-filled bathrooms at the end of the night and the polyester tank top I have to wear while serving horny frat boys. No, I don’t miss it, but since my boyfriend kicked me out and I lost my job, I don’t have a lot of other options.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes, mostly from anger at the entire situation, but also from the sheer humiliation. Having to grovel back to a shit job just so that I could pay my rent and stay up to date on all my bills was nothing I’d expected or wanted to do, but I had few options until I finished school, which was still another semester away.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said. “I just don’t want to see you have to work there again. Maybe you can find something else…like…maybe you can look for another nanny job?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “Well, it’s a good résumé builder and I’m sure—”

  “I said no!” I shouted. “Damn it.”

  I slammed the door to the bathroom so hard the frame shook. Then, I sat down on the toilet and cried.

  I went to school that day, but as I sat in the classroom, I didn’t know how I got there or what I was listening to, my notes filled with gibberish and swirls. But I went back the next day. And the next.

  * * *

  Being behind the bar at Venom came right back to me, not comfortably or welcoming, but familiar. Stale cigarette smell, beer, and sex was still the theme, clinging to my body like the drunks I served. Plastic smile to match my practically plastic clothes, both worn well enough on me to give the patrons what they wanted. It felt cheap as it always had, but the difference now was it felt deserved.

  Every day I moved, one foot in front of the other, trudging through what felt like wet sand, knowing the only saving grace would be when I could return to my bed and pray for it to swallow me up. It would be quiet and dark and nothing to think about.

  I wouldn’t have to think about him.

  It got colder and colder out, no longer fall, but early winter. We had an early snowfall, before Thanksgiving even, and it turned the city and everything around me gray. It wasn’t white, it was gray, melted, muddy, and definitely not white.

  No.

  No more tears. If I could control nothing else, I could control that. At least that’s what I told myself.

  I was sitting at Starbucks and should have been doing research and a paper for school, but was reading the gossip sites instead. When my phone rang, it took a moment for me to register the ring tone as him calling. I never bothered to change it since he never called, but it shouted from my phone. I hadn’t heard it ring with that tone in over three months. There was hesitation to answer it, but the need to hear his voice was greater. Far greater.

  “Hello,” I answered tentatively.

  “Callie! It’s me! Delilah!”

  My breath…the air…everything stopped while my heart began to beat so fast it felt painful. There was no one around me, there were no noises, and her tiny voice was all I heard. She sounded the same as she always had, but not hearing her for so long made her voice sound different.

  “Callie? Daddy helped me call you.” She paused as I tried to compose myself before answering her, wiping tears frantically off my face with cheap brown napkins. “Do you remember me?” she asked nervously.

  “Of course!” I exclaimed. “Oh, Delilah, I was just so surprised…you surprised…”

  “Do you have the sniffles?”

  “Yes,” I lied, quietly trying to blow my nose. “How are you? I’m so happy you called!”

  “Is your mommy better yet?”

  A sick mom. That was what he told her.

  “She is, but not all better. I miss you so much, sweetie. What’s happening? Doing anything fun?”

  “I lost a tooth and Nana took me to see Mary Poppins and not the fake one in the movie, but the real one onstage and she flew up high and over us and Daddy says it’s too cold now for me to wear my pink shoes that are like yours, but did you know that I was in a play at school and Sam at school got turkey pox disease and do you know what that is? He got itchy like when you’re outside in the summer and the bugs get you.”

  The pink Toms. Mine were thrown out as soon as I unpacked them.

  “It sounds like you’re having so much fun lately. How’s school?”

  “It’s so fun,” she said. “But I miss your pancakes. When your mommy is better, will you come and make pancakes? You can have sleepovers with Daddy again if you want and…”

  She trailed off and I heard him. It was super faint, but I still pressed my ear as tightly to the phone as I could, hoping that would make his voice clearer. Closer.

  “Daddy said I have to go now.”

  “Oh…okay,” I replied, my voice quivering. �
�You can call me, anytime you want, okay? Anytime. I’m so happy to hear from you.”

  “Callie?”

  “Yes?”

  “Um, will you send me some pancakes that you make because Daddy doesn’t do it right and Nana can’t make shapes like you so can you send me some?”

  I swallowed deeply. “Of course I will, sweetie. I’ll figure out how to get them to you as soon as I can, okay?”

  “Okay! Daddy said I have to go now. Bye!”

  The phone went dead before I could even say good-bye.

  As soon as I could process all of it, I wondered how I was going to get the pancakes to her. There was no way I could go to the house even if he wasn’t going to be there. Just seeing the home I’d been living in, recalling all the memories, was something I didn’t want to revisit.

  I decided to figure it out later. Even if I had to send it by private messenger, I would because I promised her, and if I could give her nothing else, I could keep my promise.

  I went to three different stores and bought as many pancake molds and shapes as I could. I made banana pancakes, and when I was almost done, I remembered she also liked my blueberry ones, so I made those, too. Since there was so much leftover batter, I decided to make regular, plain ones as well. I had multiple pans, along with a griddle, going all at the same time because I didn’t want them to be sitting around a long time. Evelyn had offered to bring the pancakes over to the house for me and promised to be on her best behavior.

  Evelyn was standing by, wrapping each batch tightly in foil and placing them in an insulated carrying case for me. Once I was sure everything was perfect, I wrote a short note to Delilah, placing it inside one of the new books I was giving her, and sent Evelyn off on her way.

  When she came home, she told me Delilah was so surprised and excited about the pancakes and books. I got a phone call that night from Delilah, thanking me. She continued to call me every week thereafter.