Myself (Selfish Series, #2)

by Shantel Tessier

  “My place,” he says, breaking through my thoughts. “I want to cook you dinner.”

  I place a hand over my face as I try not to laugh at how giddy I am. “That sounds awesome.” Awesome? I roll my eyes at myself. “Thank you,” I add.

  He laughs. “Don’t thank me yet. I’ll send a car for you. Is six okay?”

  “It’s perfect,” I say and start hitting the couch with my feet.

  “Becca?” His deep voice rumbles with my name.

  “Yes?” I ask as I swallow at the way it makes my legs break out in goose bumps.

  “Pack an overnight bag.” Then the line goes dead.

  So I spend the rest of my day doing what any other woman who is going to spend her entire night with a man would do. Even though I hate it, I shop. I spend countless hours trying on a ton of different dresses until I find the right one. By the time I got back home, it was after four. I called out for Ashlyn, but there was no answer, so I guessed she was spending the night with Ry.

  I was showered, makeup on and hair done and downstairs waiting for his car at five fifty. Of course, it was already there. I sat in the back of it nervously as we started to leave the city behind. Jaycent never was a city guy. When he turned twenty, he bought a house outside Manhattan in a little suburb.

  By the time his driver pulls up, I’m sweating. I’m so nervous. He pulls up to the front of the white brick house and opens the door for me. I get out and thank him before going to the trunk where he retrieves my bag. I go to take it from him, but he walks to the front door with it.

  “He’s in the kitchen, ma’am,” he informs me as I enter the house.

  “Thank you,” I tell him, and he nods his head as he places my bag down by the front door and then walks out.

  I run my hand along the black table that sits in the entryway with pictures from his childhood. One of him and his sister sitting at a table with a birthday cake in front of them that reads Happy 21st Birthday, Rosie. Then another one of him and Ryder with their arms over the other’s shoulders. I smile. I remember when they took it. It was at their graduation party that his dad had thrown them. His parents always went out of their way to show their children how proud they were.

  I continue to walk down the hallway until it comes to an open living room. I find a set of stairs directly to the right, but I continue forward. Once I step down into the living room, I turn to the right. I see him in the open kitchen, and his back is to me. He’s still dressed in his black button up and black slacks.

  “It smells delicious,” I say with a smile.

  He turns around with a huge smile on his face. One that makes my knees weak and my stomach flip. And I hate that Conner comes to mind. I never felt this way about him. He never made me physically weak. This man holds a lot of power over me.

  He comes around the kitchen, and his light brown eyes look me up and down. “Wow,” he says in awe, and I bite my bottom lip nervously. “You look magnificent.” He comes to a stop in front of me.

  I slide my hand down the simple yet flattering little black dress. He reaches out and grabs my right hand before he twirls me around, making the skirt flare around my legs. I laugh when he brings me to him. He lifts his free hand and pushes the brown strands from my face. I lean my head back as my heart pounds in my chest. He looks down at me as if he’s seeing me for the first time. His eyes search my face, his hand in my hair. My legs grow weaker, my breath ragged. And my panties grow wet. This man is what I’ve always dreamed of. What I’ve always wished for. I’ve seen how he looks at someone he loves, and it is nowhere close to what Conner showed. Conner, why can’t I forget him? Why did I waste so much time on him?

  My hands come up, and I grip his shirt. The top two buttons are undone, and his tie long gone. I stare at his hard, smooth chest and lick my lips. “The food is gonna get cold,” I say, trying to think of anything but what I really want.

  “I’m not hungry,” he says as his hand leaves my hair and traces my jawline. I can’t hide the shiver that runs through me. “What about you?” he asks.

  I shake my head slowly. “Not for food.”

  He leans down and presses his lips to mine, and I close my eyes. They’re so soft. I open a little for him, and his tongue slowly makes its way into my mouth. His arms wrap around me, and I open wider for him. His lips grow needy. Suddenly, I’m walking backward until I hit a pointy surface. I hear a few things fall over, and then he’s lifting me onto something. He spreads my legs as he moves to stand between them, and my pussy grows wet.

  His lips pull from mine, and I suck in a deep breath. He places his forehead to mine as he breathes just as deeply. “Promise me one thing.”

  “Anything,” I say breathlessly. I’ve been back from Seattle for a day, and I’m already willing to give him everything. I should be asking questions. I should be wondering what happened to him after I left him for Seattle, but a part of me doesn’t care. The selfish part. It’s the part I’ve never been able to use. Four years have passed, and I couldn’t care less what he did or where he went in that time. I had Conner, after all. I only care about right here, right now.

  His hand comes up to cup my cheek, lifting my head so I look up at him. His light brown eyes look deeply into mine as his lips glisten from our kiss. “Promise me come morning, you won’t ask me to walk away.”

  “Not if you wanna stay,” I say, feeling my chest swell at his request.

  His lips are back on mine in answer. His hands are on my thighs, and he lifts me off the table. He carries me to a room and sets me on my feet. He grabs the hem of my dress. “Lift your arms,” he orders. I do as I’m told, and he raises the dress up and over my head. I reach for his shirt and start to undo his buttons. Then I’m working on his belt and pants. Once done, they fall to his feet, and he kicks off his shoes before he pushes me back onto the bed.

  My bra, underwear, and heels are still on. He reaches up and grabs the strap of my black lace bra and pulls it down over my shoulder, enough to where he can see my nipple. I reach up and run my hand through his dark hair, and he closes his eyes and sighs. “God, I’ve missed you so much,” I moan as I lift my hips to his. “Why did you leave me, baby?” he asks.

  My hand freezes as I look up at him. He opens his eyes and looks down at me. “Jaycent. I ...” I try to think of the right words to say. He’s missed me? Why did I leave him? Does he really not know why it wouldn’t have worked? What he would have been giving up?

  Those words remind me why I left in the first place. Why I told him to leave. I’ve missed him too but what has changed? Four years have gone by, and I never spoke to him. Do you understand how hard that was? He was the one who broke my heart, but I couldn’t ever tell him that. I didn’t want to take away from his future.

  He pulls back and frowns. “What?”

  I lick my lips nervously. He’s right here in front of me, wanting me, and all I can think of his four years and how we went about it in the wrong way. How do we know this time will be any different? “Can we talk for a second?”

  He pulls away from me and sits on the edge of the bed. I pick my dress up and place it on my lap. “You wanna take it slow,” he states. “I understand.” He grabs my hand from my lap and lifts it before gently kissing my knuckles. My heart melts. It’s close to what I feel, but I need to explain it to him. He deserves honesty. And I’m an honest person.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head and clearing my throat. “I know we’ve had sex before ...” I pause, and he frowns for good reason. I’m completely going against what I told him last night in my bedroom when I was ready to do him right then and there. “But I’m not like Ashlyn,” I say, and he frowns. I take a deep breath. “I can’t just have casual sex.” My voice trembles. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.” He can’t want more than just sex with me. I don’t even know where he’s at in his life right now. Is he seeing someone? Are he and Jasmine still together?

  I go to stand, but he grabs my hand and yanks me down on the bed. My back hits the so
ft comforter, and he leans over me. His right hand comes up and pushes strands of hair from my face. My hands clenching my dress. “You think that is what this is?” he asks. “A hit it and quit it thing?”

  “I don’t know what it is,” I say honestly. I love Ashlyn to death. She is a wonderful person although she would never admit that. She thinks she’s tough and she is, but she is also a softie. But she has this sexuality that men fall in love with. She holds her shoulders back and her head high. Men look at her, and they fall at her feet. Take her friend Bradley, for instance. He’s in love with her. I know it, he knows it, but she doesn’t see it. She believes in casual sex, but I don’t. I’ve only ever been with two men, and one of them is in this room with me. And I loved him before he ever got in my pants.

  “Becca,” he says my name softly as the pads of his fingers run along my jawline. His eyes on mine. “Ever since that night I kissed you at your party ... then the night we shared in my car ...” He sighs heavily. “You’re all I can think about.”

  My eyes widen. “You never tried to contact me.”

  “What was I supposed to say? You left for Seattle and never looked back.”

  “That’s not true,” I whisper. I thought of you all the time.

  “Then tell me what is true,” he says softly.

  I let out a long breath as I look up at him. “The truth?” He nods. “The truth is I already had to leave you once. I don’t want to have to do that again.”

  “Then don’t,” he says simply.

  “It’s not that simple.” You have a past ...

  “Yes, it is.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to a sitting position. “We finally have the opportunity to be together—really together—and you wanna fight that?”

  I lick my lips and ask what I’ve been wondering since I saw him in Panama. “So you’re saying you’re not with Jasmine?”

  “No,” he says, making a face of disgust. “I told you last night I’m not seeing anyone. Did you think I was lying?”

  It’s not that I thought he would cheat on her with me. I just know that their situation can be hard. “No. I just ...”

  “I swear. I’ve gone on some dates, but nothing serious.” I swallow and nod my head once at the seriousness in his tone. “So stop analyzing this.”

  “I’m thinking realistically,” I say. “I’m glad there’s no one else, but Ryder would not allow it.”

  He runs a hand through his hair. “Ryder is my best friend, but if I had to choose between the two of you, I’d pick you. Every time.”

  “See,” I say. “You shouldn’t have to pick sides.”

  “That’s what love is, Becca. True love has sides. True love has consequences. And true love is worth every bit of the fight.”

  “Are you saying what we have is true love?” I ask barely above a whisper then hold my breath as I wait for his response.

  “We owe it to ourselves to find out. Four years and you’re still the only one I want. And I don’t mean just sexually,” he admits. I smile and bite my bottom lip. “And as for sex, we’ll wait.” My eyes widen at his statement. “This isn’t about sex for me. Do I want it, yes? But do I want to give you more than that? Yes.”

  “I want that too.”

  JAYCENT

  I stand in my kitchen while Becca sits at the bar, wearing my button up shirt from earlier. I place some spaghetti on a plate and hand it over to her. Placing my elbows on the table, I watch her dig in as if she’s starving.

  “Hmm ...” She moans and nods her head as she sucks a noodle into her mouth.

  “So tell me about Seattle,” I say to her with a smile.

  “I loved it there,” she says, wiping her mouth. “You should go and visit.”

  “Maybe I will.” I’ve been to Seattle before. And it was while she lived there. But we weren’t speaking, so I never told her. “What did you do there besides school?”

  “I worked full time.”

  No surprise there. Becca’s mother always kept her busy with after-school activities and sports. She’s not the kind of person to just sit around and do nothing, even if she wanted to. “Where did you work?”

  “A pet store.” I laugh. Of course, she did. She’s always had a thing for dogs, but her mother would never let her have one. She said they were messy. “And how was that?”

  “Depressing,” she says softly. “I wanted to bring all these animals home.” Then she smiles. “I talked Ashlyn into getting a cat from there.”

  “I didn’t see one at your apartment.” I frown. I’ve only been in there once, but wouldn’t it have arrived with them on the plane?

  “Bradley is bringing him up next week,” she clarifies.

  “Who is Bradley?” Maybe it’s her brother.

  “He’s her best guy friend who is in love with her,” she answers.

  “Does Ryder know this?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

  She shakes her head. “Well, he knows she has a friend Bradley but not the love part. Ashlyn doesn’t even know it.”

  I nod, wondering how that’s gonna go down. “What are you going to do now that you’re back?”

  She pauses with her fork almost to her mouth, looking up at me through her lashes. I can see the wheels turning in her head. She’s trying to decide if she wants to tell me.

  I stay silent as she puts her fork down and pushes her plate away. This conversation obviously just took a serious turn, and she wants to give it her complete attention. She gives an uneasy laugh. “I really want to start my own clothing line.”

  I give her an encouraging smile. “Then that’s exactly what you should do.” She hangs her head. “Why do you look terrified by that thought?”

  “Because my mom isn’t going to approve of that.”

  My jaw clenches at the mention of her mother. “Fuck her.”

  “Jaycent,” she says with a gasp.

  “What?” I ask with a shrug. “You’re an adult, Becca. You can’t do what she wants you to do forever.”

  She sighs. “But if I fail, she’ll laugh in my face.”

  I sigh. “You care about what she thinks too much.”

  “I don’t want to be more of a disappointment than I already am,” she whispers.

  I walk around the bar and turn her swivel chair to face me. I cup her face in my hands. “You are not a disappointment,” I tell her, and my chest tightens when I realize she truly believes that. “Why would you think that?”

  Her shoulders slump. “My mother wants me to marry Conner.” I grind my teeth. “She’d rather me get knocked up and leave my kids with a nanny than be a successful business woman.”

  “What do you want?” I ask her.

  She looks up at me, and her eyes are full of unshed tears. “I want to do something with my life. Something that matters. I want to open a clothing store that can help those less fortunate.”

  I sit down in the seat beside her, my hands still on her face. She continues. “I want to take the money that I didn’t earn, and do something good with it,” she says softly.

  She’s nothing like Ryder. He spends his money left and right, always getting the most expensive things in life. But he also works for what he makes now. I’m not saying he doesn’t touch his trust fund, because he does, but Becca has never been that way. “But if I tell my mother that, she’ll be pissed. Tell me that I’m throwing away all her hard-earned money.”

  “First of all, she didn’t do a thing to earn that besides lie on her back.” It’s the truth, and she knows it.

  “You think she’ll see it that way? No.” She answers her own question and pulls away from me before standing from her chair. “Do you know what I had to do to talk her into letting me go to Seattle?”

  I look away from her, hoping that she doesn’t see the anger in my eyes at her questions. I know what her mother did, know about the deal she made with Conner. “No,” I say tightly.

  “I had to promise her that I wouldn’t come home. That if I was going to move there for school, then I
was going to devote a hundred percent of my time there to make sure I was successful in it.” She hangs her head and whispers, “She never did want a child who failed at something.”

  “Becca ...”

  “I have this idea that I can open a small store and sell my clothes. And for every sale the store makes, I donate an article of clothing to a shelter here in New York. You know what she would do if she found out I wanted to do that?” she asks, shaking her head. “She would disown me.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” I ask.

  Her mouth falls open in disbelief at my words. She doesn’t know it, but she’d be so much better off without her mother in her life. I stand from my chair. “At some point in time, you’re gonna have to grow up and start making your own decisions. And not just do what you think your mother wants.”

  She lets out a huff and then runs her fingers through her dark hair. She looks around my kitchen and living room as if lost. When her eyes meet mine, they’re full of tears again.

  I walk over to her and grab her hand in mine. “You’re the type of person who can change the world, Becca.” The first tear falls. I reach up and wipe it away with my thumb. “Don’t let one person keep you from helping hundreds, maybe thousands.”

  “You really believe that?” she asks, her eyes wide with hope.

  I nod and wipe another tear from her cheek. “I do. With everything that I am. You may not know it, but you’ve changed my world.”

  “How?” she whispers.

  I smile. “By simply being you.” A woman like Becca is hard to find. Men spend their entire lives looking for a woman like this. One who wants to put others first. One who you know will be a loving wife and mother. One who can be your equal while also pushing you to be better. “Tell me you’ll do it.” I wanna hear her have the confidence in herself that I have in her.

  She gives me a soft smile as another tear falls down her cheeks. “I’ll do it. For you.”

  “I want you to do it for you, Becca,” I tell her. “It’s okay to be selfish.”