Now or Never

by Jamie Canosa

  “You can do better, that’s all.”

  “I know. But, better doesn’t want me anymore.”

  Her words, though quiet, sliced through him cleaner than any blade. “Em . . .”

  “Don’t. You don’t get to talk anymore tonight, Jay. I agreed to a ride, not a lecture. Just take me home. Please.”

  For a moment he wondered what she meant. Was she asking him to take her home? Back to his place, their place, where they’d built a home together? The urge to turn around and take her there was so powerful for a moment his arms shook with the force of resisting it. That’s not what she meant, though. She wanted him to take her back to Ashlyn’s house. Home was just a figure of speech. It had no meaning anymore.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Em

  Em had been lying awake in bed since Jay dropped her off. She’d spent hours watching shadows play across the ceiling and the walls. Her head was torn in a thousand different directions, running a million miles an hours, full of questions and absolutely no answers.

  She couldn’t understand this game they were playing. He told her to see other people, practically forced her away from him, and then disapproved of her choice? He told her to stop having feelings for him—as though that would ever be possible—and then showed up to comfort her? He held her in his arms, and then left her all over again?

  The only thing not confused was her heart. It knew what it wanted and it wasn’t going to change its mind. Jay would always be the one written in each and every scar on her heart. He was the one who pieced it back together when she’d believed no one ever could. And it belonged to him. Always.

  She understood his fear. Better than most, Em knew what it was like to think yourself unworthy of something. Of someone. She just hadn’t been able to comprehend that someone like Jay—someone so amazing, and courageous, and perfect—could ever feel that way. But that wasn’t what Jay saw when he looked in the mirror.

  Tears misted Em’s eyes as she realized that he saw what she saw when she looked in the mirror. The scars. Not the ones on his back, but the one’s made on their souls. That’s all either of them could see. He’d tried to tell her again and again that he didn’t see her the way she saw herself. She’d never really believed him. But when she looked at him, she didn’t see the scars. All she saw was the man that bore them. The kind, generous, honorable, gentle man. The man that she loved with every beat of her heart. Pretending anything else to be true was cruel.

  However the game ended, it ended today. She wasn’t playing anymore. It wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to Jay. And it sure as hell wasn’t fair to Mason.

  ***

  As if fate itself agreed with her goals, Mason was coming out as she pulled into the lot at Bart’s and parked.

  “Hey, beautiful.” He opened her door, offering her a smile and a hand out. Why did he have to be so nice?

  “Hey. Did you have fun last night?”

  “I did. But I missed you. Wish you would have come with me.”

  “I’m not much of a party girl.” Em shrugged and internally stockpiled the courage she was going to need to take this conversation where it needed to go. “Listen, Mason—”

  “Why don’t we go out tonight? Just you and me. No parties, I promise.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Please, Em? Give me another chance. Please?”

  She cringed, feeling that courage evaporate. “What would we do?”

  Coward!

  “Mmm. I have a few ideas. We could . . .” He stepped in closer, trapping her between his body and the door of Ashlyn’s car. The restrained feeling immediately made her hands start sweating despite the below freezing temperature.

  “What are you—?”

  His mouth dropped over hers, cutting off her protest, and worked its way, nipping and teasing down her jawline. The shakes took over as she feebly tried to push him away without success.

  “Stop.” Though it screamed through her mind like a shrill alarm, the word left her lips as little more than a breath of air.

  His lips continued moving, flicking over the sensitive skin behind her ear.

  “Mason.” When his hands joined in, slipping beneath her layers of clothing to skim her bare stomach and hips, Em forgot how to breathe, but not in a good way. Fear crippled her lungs, holding her prisoner in a body of solid stone. The heat from his hands stood out in stark contrast against the icy winter wind and scorched her straight to the bone, burning away her contaminated flesh.

  “Mason. Stop.” She barely had enough air to breathe the words.

  He didn’t hear them, or he chose to ignore them, because his lips and tongue moved lower along the curve of her shoulder. Em gasped as tears sprung to her eyes. Inside, she was screaming, fighting, running for the hills. Outwardly, she stood stock still at a complete loss of control over even her most basic functions. Panic overshadowed everything.

  “Mason, please.” The desperate plea in her voice demanded his attention and he pulled back—confusion and concern warring in his eyes—at the same moment a large hand folded over his shoulder, tearing him away from her.

  Jay’s fist plowed into his stomach, doubling him over before Em even knew what was happening.

  “Jay!”

  Another fist to the face sent Mason sprawling on the wet gravel.

  “Jay, don’t!”

  “She said stop. Or are you deaf as well as dumb?”

  He balled his fist, ready to strike again and Em screamed. “Stop it, Jay!”

  Jay stood over Mason unmoving, fists clenched. The only part of him in motion at all was his chest which heaved under each labored breath.

  “Jay?”

  Without a word, he turned and stormed across the lot. Shit, what was she supposed to do now? Kneeling in the snow beside Mason, she brushed his hand away to get a better look at the bruise already darkening his jaw. She’d done this. To both of them. This was all her fault.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” Rubbing his chin, Mason sat up, unbothered by the wetness soaking through the seat of his pants. “I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean to—”

  “I know. It’s not you. Really. It’s me. It’s him.” She nodded after Jay. “It’s us. But it’s definitely not you.”

  “Us?”

  “Me and—”

  “Jay.”

  Em scrunched her face in apology, already knowing he wasn’t going to like what she had to do next. “Mason, I—”

  “You’re going after him, aren’t you? After what he just did, you’re still going after him.”

  “You don’t understand. I have to.”

  “You’re right. I don’t understand.”

  Guilt sat like a heavy weight in her gut as she got to her feet and sprinted toward the building after Jay. She caught up with him on the sidewalk just outside the door.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “He was touching you.” Jay’s growl sent shivers down her spine.

  “He was just fooling around.”

  “You told him to stop. He didn’t.”

  Em sighed. She couldn’t really blame Mason for that. “He doesn’t know me like you do. He doesn’t understand my . . . issues.”

  The look on Jay’s face as he stared down at her was heartbreaking. His jaw clenched so tight she could hear his teeth grinding together as his throat worked convulsively to combat the misty sheen gathering in his eyes.

  “I’d do anything to protect you.” The harsh whisper tore from him with a horribly pained expression.

  “I know.” Including destroy us both with what you think is best.

  And he was gone again, turning his back on her, but Em wasn’t done with him yet. Scurrying to catch him, she grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop just inside the door.

  “What’s going on with you?”

  “I’m trying to work.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. What the hell is going on with you, Jay?” />
  “Nothing.”

  “Something. You look like crap. When’s the last time you ate?” He’d lost weight. She hadn’t noticed it happening, but she was painfully aware of it now. He was almost as thin as he had been out on the street. Dark smudges shadowed his eyes. “Or slept?”

  “I’m fine, Em.”

  “You’ve been working constantly and—”

  “Dammit, Em! I said I’m fine!” He shouted loud enough that half the restaurant turned to look at them.

  Fine, if that’s the way he wanted to play it, she was game, but it would have to wait until later. Obviously, this wasn’t the time or place for this conversation.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Jay

  Jay slid behind the wheel, slamming the door with a bit more force than necessary. He’d done it again. Snapped at Em when she was the last person in the world to deserve it. Pulling from the lot, he quietly fumed his congratulations to himself for being a grade-A asshole. He’d accomplished what he’d wanted, though. He’d pushed her away. Maybe for good this time. She hadn’t spoken to him—or even looked at him—since their argument, and then she’d left without so much as a wave. Congratu-fucking-lations, asshole.

  But, then . . . what the hell was she doing sitting on his front porch?

  Jay extricated himself from the truck slowly, terrified of how this was going to go. Part of him hoped and prayed that she was there to demand to be let inside and allowed to stay forever, but that was the selfish part of him. The other part was flat out horrified that this was it. She was here to collect the rest of her stuff and he’d never see her again. That part was selfish, too.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “We need to talk.” So, it was option two, then. Jay’s heart sank. He took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about to come as he unlocked the door and let Em in.

  He eased off his shoes and dropped his keys on the corner table. By the time he steeled himself to face her, she’d disappeared into the kitchen. Jay followed and found her rooting through the cabinets.

  “What are you looking for?”

  “The food, Jay. Where’s all of your food?”

  “Em—”

  “These are all empty.”

  “Em—”

  “What have you been eating?”

  “Em—”

  “And why is it so goddamn cold in here?” Her breath puffed in front of her face and she rubbed her arms.

  “Em!” She froze and stared back at him. “There is no food. Okay? And it so cold because there’s no heat, either. No cable. No fucking electric. Nothing, dammit!”

  “Why?” She didn’t sound frightened or upset by his outburst. On the contrary, she glared back at him with anger in her eyes. “Jay, you’ve been pulling double and triple shifts at work. Where’s all that money going?”

  He didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer.

  “Jay.” She eased toward him slowly until she was standing directly in front of him. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her until two small hands framed his face, tilting it gently to hers. Their eyes collided and he couldn’t look away. “No lies, Jay. No secrets. Please.” Her fingers brushed some of his hair from his forehead. “Tell me what’s going on. Talk to me.”

  Her beautifully sincere eyes burned into him and another selfish part of him won out. The stressed, exhausted, frightened part that wanted nothing more than to be in her arms. He collapsed into a chair, bringing Em along with him. She settled into the chair beside him, her eyes never leaving his.

  “After you left, he came back.”

  “Who?”

  “My father.”

  The slight hitch in her breath was Em’s only reaction as she patiently waited for him to continue.

  “He wanted the money. He . . . Christ, Em, he started threatening you and I—I won’t let you get dragged into this shit. I won’t let him hurt you.”

  “He’s the one that sent me that article, isn’t he?”

  “I told him I’d get him the money. Pay him in installments as long as he stayed the hell away from you.”

  “Jay . . .”

  “No, Em.” He let his head drop to the curved back of the seat and stared up at the cracked and peeling paint on the ceiling. “I’ll handle this.”

  “You don’t have to handle it alone.”

  “Yes, I do.” He jerked upright again to look at her. “This is my mess, Em. I’ll clean it up.”

  “You cleaned up my mess, Jay. When I was . . . When he . . .” She couldn’t even bring herself to say it. “You saved me. Over and over again, you saved me. If it weren’t for you . . .”

  Em swallowed hard as tears pricked her eyes. She looked so sad, so helpless. What the hell was he thinking laying this shit on her?

  “I can handle it, Em.”

  “I’m sure you can. You’re so strong, Jay. You always have been. But I’m not as weak as I used to be. I’m not that same scared little girl anymore. Please. Let me help you.”

  “Baby.” Jay dropped to his knees beside her chair and took her face in his hands. “You were never weak. I never believed that about you for a single second. And I know you can handle this. You can handle anything life throws at you. You’ve already proven that. But, dammit, Em . . . If anything were to happen to you . . .” he pulled her face forward until her forehead rested against his, “because of me . . . Baby, please understand. You are the only thing I’ve ever done right in my entire life. The only thing I haven’t failed at, but if something happens to you . . . If I can’t keep the one good thing in my life safe, then what good am I?”

  “What about you? Who keeps you safe, Jay? What happened to this being a team effort?” She looked at him as though he were breaking her heart, but she had no idea that she was cracking his wide open with every word she spoke.

  “Not this time. I’m sorry, Em, but not when it comes to my father. I need to know I can protect you. That I’m . . . good for you.” Jay took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “That day, when you first told me about your uncle, what he did to you . . . You were sitting there in that rat infested alley, in pain on the inside and out, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to sit there watching you hurt, watching you fall apart . . . I’ve never felt so powerless in all of my life and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It’s not fair what I’m asking. I know how hard walking away will be for you, but I’m asking you to anyway. I love you so much, Em. Please. Please don’t take away my right to keep the one I love safe. Not now. Not when there’s something I can do.”

  “I love you, too.” Tears streamed relentlessly down her cheeks, drowning him in pain, and for one defenseless moment, he gave in.

  Her soft skin tasted salty as he pressed kiss after kiss—working his way down her cheeks—erasing her tears, banishing them, wishing nothing more than that he could wipe away the pain in her eyes as easily. He didn’t even hesitate when he reached her lips. Didn’t think. Didn’t analyze. He simply reacted, surrendered to the magnetism that drew them together simultaneously to meet somewhere in the middle. So sweet. She always tasted so sweet. Like frosting.

  When her lips parted, he dove inside, knowing he’d regret it later, but refusing to ruin the moment as it unfolded. Her tongue stroked his with a hunger that equaled his own and his hands found their way into her silky hair. Christ, she felt so good. This felt so good. So damn right. But it wasn’t. It wrong.

  He was being unfair to the point of cruelty, pushing her away and then pulling her close again like the rope in the tug-of-war battle between his heart and his mind. Shame engulfed him as his head screamed to let her go, get her as far away from him as possible. But his heart refused to regret his actions, wanting nothing more than to have her close. Every moment spent in her presence was the most bitter-sweet kind of torture. He wondered if she felt the same. He couldn’t keep putting her—putting both of them—through that.

  With a physical effort that bordered on extreme, Jay pu
lled back. Pressing his forehead to hers, he struggled to calm his raging need while he waited for Em to open her eyes and look at him. She took her time, lingering in the moment, and that was fine with Jay. He would have greedily lingered there, soaking her in, for as long as she allowed.

  When her eyelids fluttered open, the beautiful blue orbs underneath were filled with a heavy sadness. She knew. She knew the kiss hadn’t meant he was giving in to her. They both knew it meant the exact opposite.

  “I know, baby.” Jay’s lips whispered over her smooth skin. “I know you love me. That’s why you’ll do this for me. Just go. Go back to Ashlyn’s. Let me deal with this. When it’s over, if you still want to, we’ll talk, I promise. Just not right now. Not until I know you’re okay.”

  She needed to be the one to walk away—to free herself from the bullshit—because he just wasn’t strong enough to do it, anymore.

  Jay knew he’d won when Em buried her face in his shoulder and he held her close as her entire body shook with the force of her sobs, but at what cost?

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Em