Now or Never

by Jamie Canosa

  She had no warning. One minute they were talking—tearing her world apart one word at a time—and the next, they were kissing. Jay’s mouth crashed over hers, moving with such ferocity that it stole her breath away and every thought in her head—all of her fears and arguments—just evaporated. How could she not give him what he needed? She couldn’t. She couldn’t deny him anything. Even at the expense of her heart.

  Jay’s hand slid up her spine, tangling in her hair at the back of her head. With a gentle tug, he positioned her to take the kiss deeper. His tongue actively explored her mouth as though he’d forgotten the lay of the land and was starving to reacquaint himself. Drinking her in. Devouring her. She gave it to him. Everything. All of her. Surrendering to him completely.

  Doing even a fraction of that with Mason scared the ever living daylights out of her. But here she was with Jay, fearing nothing more than that it would end. That had to mean something. He had to see that that meant something. It meant everything.

  But it didn’t matter. This wasn’t about her anymore. This was about Jay and his skeletons. The ones he was trying to beat back into the closet. And he didn’t want her to be a part of that battle.

  At least she managed to convince him to take some of the cash she had on her before she left. It wasn’t much and, in the end, he’d only caved when she promised to stay away from the house for a while—away from him. Even then, she could only get him to take half, but she knew what to do with the rest of it.

  Em had barely pulled out of the drive when she whipped out her fancy new cell phone. It took a little hunting, limited by the time she spent stopped at red lights, but eventually she found the number to the heating company. And, by the time she parked at the curb next to Ashlyn’s house, she had a guarantee the heat would be back on no later than the next day.

  “How did it go?” Ashlyn poked her head out of the kitchen as Em shut the door behind her.

  Em tossed her the keys with a shake of her head.

  “That good, huh?”

  “Yeah. I’m gonna go lie down for a while.” She could feel Ash’s eyes burning holes in her back all the way down the hall, but she didn’t say anything more.

  Collapsing on the bed, she curled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them in a protective ball. Em wanted to be strong for Jay. Show him that she was strong enough to be what he needed. But what had she done? Run? Hidden? All that made her feel was weak. She wanted to do the right thing, but, not for the first time in her life, Em didn’t know what that was.

  ***

  He stood before her. Jay. In all his shirtless glory. For a moment she wondered why he wasn’t wearing a shirt, if he was cold. But she didn’t feel cold. She didn’t feel much besides the heat pooling in her belly as her gaze traveled hungrily over his solid abs, sharp hips, wide shoulders. Up, up, up to his face. Strong jaw, soft, barely parted lips, slightly crooked nose. She drank in the sight of him, memorizing each feature as though it might be the last time she’d lay eyes on them. Everything was perfect . . . until she reached his eyes.

  They were dark, darker than she could ever remember seeing them. And cold. Dead cold. Gazing off into the distance, he looked lost. Not inside his own thoughts. Just lost. Gone.

  “Jay?” He didn’t respond. Not a single muscle twitched as she ran her hands up his hard chest, over his pale skin. That too was cold. “Baby?”

  Without a word, he turned and strode away from her.

  “Jay!” Desperate to follow him, Em became aware for the first time that she was unable to move, trapped behind an invisible wall that separated them. Kept her from him. “Jay, wait!”

  Harsh, rugged scars shone nearly iridescent on his skin in the fading light. Pounding against the glass wall, Em watched helplessly as one by one they split open, spilling crimson red blood down his retreating back.

  “Jay! Please, Jay! Come back!”

  The darkness that lay ahead of him seemed to open its gaping jaws and swallow Jay whole as she watched. Snuffing him from her vision. Her life.

  “No!” Slamming her stinging palms against the barrier, Em sank to her knees. “Jay! Jay! Jay.”

  Em woke soaked in sweat, gasping for air with his name still on her lips. Rolling away from the damp, suffocating pillowcase, she blinked the room into focus. The sun pouring through the sheer curtains was bright. Too bright for having to be at Bart’s for the opening shift. She twisted her head toward the clock on the nightstand and her eyes nearly popped out of the sockets. Ten-forty? Holy crap, her shift was more than half over.

  Grabbing the first pair of pants and shirt she laid her hands on, Em flew across the hall and burst into the bathroom without bothering to knock. Ashlyn was on her knees, curled over the toilet bowl, but Em’s sudden appearance landed her flat on her ass.

  “Whoa.”

  “Sorry. So sorry, Ash. Are you okay?”

  “Fine.” Ashlyn got to her feet, flushing the toilet in the process and turned on the sink. “Where’s the fire?”

  “I’m so late for work. I have to—”

  “No, you’re not.” Ash snapped off the faucet and snagged the towel off the wall.

  “What? I was supposed to be there—”

  “I know. I heard your alarm go off.”

  “Really? I didn’t.” Em hugged the clothes to her chest and shifted toward the shower, hoping Ash would take the hint. She didn’t.

  “I shut it off for you.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  After rehanging the hand towel, Ashlyn folded her arms and adopted her I-mean-business-face. “Em. You’re exhausted. Emotionally and physically. You need a break.”

  “I need to work. I need the money.” Even if Jay refused to take another cent, she had her own expenses to cover, and she’d just spent her entire paycheck.

  “Don’t worry about it. My parents pay the rent on this place, and I make more than enough to keep us both drowning in ice cream and chick flicks for as long as it takes. I called Bart this morning, told him you were taking a few mental health days.”

  It was a fact, kindness could break a heart just as effectively as pain.

  “Ash . . .”

  “Don’t start. And you are not getting in that shower before me. I do have to work because if I lose this job my dad will totally kill me. I still owe him for the repairs on Harrison.”

  Em eyed the toilet, cautiously. “Are you sure you should be working today?”

  “It’s just a mild case of food poisoning. I have a sensitive stomach. Not contagious and I’m already starting to feel better, so no worries.” Ashlyn shooed Em from the bathroom and shut the door.

  Heading back into her room, she dumped the haphazard outfit she’d collected on top of the dresser and crawled back into bed. It was nearly lunch time and she still felt completely drained. Maybe a mental health day was just what she needed. Or two. Or twenty.

  Despite how exhausted she felt, though, dread kept her from falling back to sleep. Images of Jay—vacant and bleeding—were permanently seared into her brain. Fear eclipsed every other emotion vying for the spotlight. She couldn’t lose him. Not like that. But what could she do? Give him a little money for food? Pay the heating bill? She’d done everything she could. That just left everything she couldn’t.

  She couldn’t make his father go away. She couldn’t make him see what she saw in him. Make him understand how much she needed him. How he was nothing like that monster at all. That the only time she ever felt safe was with him. She couldn’t make him feel safe, though. Couldn’t protect him the way he protected her. She couldn’t even be there for him when he needed her.

  Em’s eyes roamed the ceiling above her, searching for flaws. Cracks in the smooth white surface like the ones that ran through her. She didn’t find any. That little voice found her, though. It was always with her. Haunting her thoughts. Dancing around her mind, taunting her, berating her, condemning her. Making sure she knew exactly where each and every one of her cracks laid.


  You’re useless.

  A coward.

  Why would anyone ever want you?

  You’re no good to anyone.

  You can’t even take care of yourself, how do you expect to take care of someone else?

  More trouble than your worth.

  Pathetic.

  Worthless.

  Damaged.

  Broken.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Jay

  “Where the fuck is she?” Days without Em were like days without sunlight. They made Jay irritable and cranky, something Sahara hadn’t failed to point out more than once. “It’s been three damn days. I get that she’s pissed, but—”

  “She’s taking a break.” Ashlyn set down the pile of menus she was carrying and collected four plastic cups.

  “A break?” Jay relieved her of two of them and followed her over to the soda fountain.

  “Some mental health days.”

  Mental health days. Evidently, Jay made her crazy. Not unreasonable since he made himself that way half the time.

  “But she’s okay? She’s not sick or anything?” As long as she hadn’t caught some version of the plague—because little else could keep Em from showing up for work, besides Ashlyn, apparently—he could suck it up and deal with the fallout of his decisions.

  “She’s tired, Jay.” Ash exchanged one of his empty cups for a full one and stopped to face him. “She’s been through a lot. You both have. I’m not saying this is any easier on you because, honestly, I don’t know all the details, but what I do know is this was your choice. You didn’t give her any say in the matter and she’s working through that. Em’s . . .”

  “Pissed?” Jay supplied.

  “No. She’s upset, Jay. I think you should talk to her.”

  “I will.” When this was all over. Whenever that may be.

  “And Jay?” She turned to scoop some ice into the empty cup and fill it with Sprite before shoving it back in Jay’s hand. “You should take a break, too. You could both use a little rest. No offense, but you kind of look like shit.”

  No offense taken. Jay knew exactly how crappy he looked. Little food and even less sleep would do that to a guy. He felt worse than he had in months. At least he could still be grateful for running water.

  “I’ll do that, too.” Someday.

  Jay trailed Ashlyn to her table where he helped to deliver the beverages before retrieving his dull gray bin and making for the vacated table in the corner. Reaching across it for an empty fry basket, he felt something brush against his ass, and glanced over his shoulder in time to watch Sahara saunter away.

  She was swaying so hard you’d think she was at sea. Jay had never struck a girl on purpose in his life, nor would he ever, but she was seriously starting to test the limits of his restraint. If the girl didn’t lay off, he was bound to let his foul mood get the best of him and say something they’d both regret.

  On its return path, Jay’s gaze breezed past Mason standing behind the ticket counter. Someone else who wasn’t far behind on his ‘shit list’, though the bruise still shadowing his jaw was a pretty damn good excuse for the glares he kept shooting in Jay’s direction. Somewhere along the way, Jay was forced to admit to himself that maybe he’d overreacted just a little. Didn’t mean he was sorry he hit him, though.

  “You may want to stop looking at him like that.”

  “Who?”

  Ashlyn’s eyes rolled dramatically. “Mason. You’re antagonizing him.”

  “I am not.”

  “Sure.” She snatched up a ketchup bottle, shaking it in Jay’s face. “You may have beat his ass last time, but you sort of sucker punched him. Keep it up and you may be looking at a real fight.” Her gaze shifted from him, to Mason, and back again. “And I’m not sure who would win that, actually.”

  If it came down to it, Jay would win. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind, but, “I’m not antagonizing him, and no one’s going to start a fight.”

  “That’s what you say.” Ash headed for the counter with her bottle. “But you’re not the one that got sucker punched.”

  Okay, he’d give her that much. He’d been on the receiving end of more than a few of those, and they could really piss a guy off. Covertly sneaking a peek in Mason’s direction, he wondered if she wasn’t too far off the mark. If he wanted a fight, let him bring it. He might even let the guy get a few free shots in as payback. But he’d still kick his ass.

  ***

  By the end of the shift, he was slightly less confident in his combat skills. Fortunately, Mason didn’t seem all that interested in testing them. Jay was coming off of yet another twelve hour shift and was barely staying upright as he crossed the threshold at home.

  He kicked the door shut, but it ricocheted off a booted foot and bounced back open as his father strode in after him. “It’s payday, Julian.”

  Jay groaned. Did it really need to be today? Without sparing his father so much as a glance he stomped over to the kitchen drawer and pulled out an envelope stuffed with cash. Handing it over to him was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. It felt like giving in. Like surrendering. His fingers clenched around the offering, but the memory of Em’s tears in his truck and the hurt on her face was enough to ease his grip.

  His father snatched the envelope and flipped through the stack of bills with a huff. “I’ve allowed you more than enough time to come up with the money. At this rate, you’ll be paying my corpse.”

  One could only hope. “That’s everything there is.”

  “That’s a shame, Julian.” Without another word, he left, pulling the door shut behind him on his way out and leaving Jay completely bewildered.

  What the hell was that supposed to mean? He didn’t have the brain power left to figure it out tonight. It was only ten o’clock, but he was dead on his feet and needed to be back at work again bright and early the following morning. Slamming the kitchen drawer shut, he lumbered down the hall, shedding clothes as he went and climbed into bed in nothing more than his boxers.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Em

  The voices penetrating the hazy fog of sleep were indistinct but loud. Ashlyn was shouting and that was enough to drag Em fully into consciousness. Scrambling out of bed, she threw open the bedroom door before coming to a dead stop in the hallway.

  He was shrouded in shadows, but she knew immediately who stood on the doorstep arguing with Ash. The devil himself. And he was there for her. She couldn’t let her friend get caught in the middle of it. God only knew what he was capable of.

  “Ash! Shut the—” She hadn’t even gotten the words out of her mouth before he shoved his way inside.

  Ice cold eyes, dark as coal, latched onto her as he strode purposefully across the small house. Em backed away, but there wasn’t anywhere to go. He blocked the mouth of the hallway and continued to close the space between them.

  “Em!” Ashlyn was too late. He was on her, dragging Em back inside her bedroom and slamming the door shut behind them.

  The sound of the lock snapping into place echoed through Em’s panicked mind. Why was he there? What was he going to do? This couldn’t be happening.

  “Em! Em!” The bedroom door reverberated under the pounding Ash was giving it, but refused to budge.

  He stalked closer as Em scurried up the mattress until her back collided with the headboard and there was nowhere left to retreat.

  “Em! I’m calling the police!”

  “No!” Em panicked. The police were the last people Jay would want involved. They weren’t the bad guys, but with everything they’d been through, it was difficult to see them as the good guys, either. Difficult to trust them. To trust anyone. There was only one person Em trusted to keep her safe. Only one person who could—or would—ever be able to protect her. “Call Jay!”

  She watched as a sick grin turned his father’s lips. “That’s right, call Jay.”

  He undid his belt and slowly pulled it from the pant loops. Tears welled up
as that old familiar terror pounded through Em’s body with every beat of her erratic pulse. “Don’t. Please. Please don’t do this.”

  Em thought she might break through the wall and straight out of the house with how hard her spine was pressing up against it, desperate to put more space between them. He took another step closer as the belt came free and she attempted to scramble off the bed, but her feet twisted in the sheets, trapping her.

  She was trapped. In a bed. With a man she hated. The tears overflowed, streaming down her cheeks as her entire body trembled. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. Not again. It would surely destroy her this time.

  “Please.” She would have been ashamed of the pathetic whimper that escaped her if she hadn’t been so incredibly terrified.

  He stood at the foot of the bed with the belt dangling from his hand. He made no move to get any closer, or to remove any more articles of clothing, and that was when she realized . . . he wasn’t the same brand of sick bastard as her uncle. Stark relief and a whole new kind of fear hit her at once. Jay’s father was in a whole different class of fucked up. Folding the belt in half, he slapped it across his palm. The sound filled the room and sent a tremor through Em.

  “Wh-what are you going to do to me?”

  He tipped his head and continued to stare at her, reminding Em strangely of a bird. How dare he? How dare he try and look so innocent when she knew exactly what lay inside?