Now or Never

by Jamie Canosa

  She had no idea how long it had been going on. It had taken her far too long to get there and blood seeped through the back of his shirt in multiple places. That wasn’t the worst part, though. What was worse was the fact that Jay knelt there, slumped against the wall, making no attempts to protect himself. He wasn’t fighting back, he wasn’t trying to escape. He was just kneeling there, taking it. Like he’d given up.

  The smack of leather against skin filled the room and propelled Em into action. She didn’t scream or cry. She didn’t even think. She just reacted to the one thing she knew: she couldn’t let him hurt Jay anymore.

  Covering her head with her arms, she threw herself in front of Jay just as the strap fell again. A sharp sting encompassed her forearm and, despite her efforts, the metal buckle caught her face, tearing through the flesh just below her eye.

  “Em?” Jay turned to stare at her with horror etched in every line of his face. His gaze immediately zeroed in on her cheek. “No!” The word sounded as though it had ripped free from his very soul.

  Pulling her into his lap, he twisted, wrapping himself around her in a cocoon of safety. His grip was like a steel cage she couldn’t break free of even as she felt his entire body jump with each consecutive blow.

  “No! No! Stop! Jay!” She fought him with all of her strength as his father hit him again and again, but he refused to let her go. Tears streamed down her face as she felt as much as heard the raw sob tear from Jay.

  It was useless. He would protect her no matter the cost. Jay would keep her from harm at the expense of his body. His life. She knew that. She’d always known that. What he needed to know was that she would do the same for him. What they both needed to know was that she was strong enough to do the same. And with Jay by her side, she was.

  Giving up her frantic struggles, Em leaned into him, pressing her lips to his ear and whispered, “Together.” His hold loosened infinitesimally. “We are stronger together. Please believe me. Please believe in me.”

  She knew how hard it was for him to do—that it went against every last one of his instincts—but he let her go. Struggling to his feet, he allowed her to stand beside him.

  His father’s next attack was met with an unexpected interruption. Jay grabbed hold of the belt, watching it wrap around the bare skin of his arm without a sound. Not a single emotion showed on his face. He’d turned it all off. His feelings, his thoughts, all of it hidden away, he stood before his father like some kind of machine. Em hated to even consider what he must have suffered to master such a reaction. Jay rarely spoke about his past, but tonight’s sneak-peek had been more than enough for Em to stomach.

  He tugged with all his might, but the bastard on the other side wasn’t giving up control that easily. Lowering her shoulder, Em plowed into him with all her strength—which, admittedly wasn’t much—but it did the trick. Unprepared for her assault, Jay’s father stumbled backward as Jay tore the belt from his grasp.

  Em backed away before he could retaliate and looked to Jay to find him holding the vile article in a white knuckled grip.

  “Go ahead.” His father wipe the sweat from his brow with a menacing laugh that seemed to bubble up from somewhere deep inside his darkened soul. “Do it. Hit me, boy. You know you want to. Do it . . . Hit me . . . Hit me! . . . Hit! Me!”

  Jay’s arm shook so badly the vibrations traveled all the way down the belt. His eyes clouded over with memories Em couldn’t imagine in her worst nightmares. All she could do was watch in dread as Jay glared at his father with a vengeance she’d never witnessed before. His fingers clenched tighter around the leather strap—if that was even possible—and then . . . he let go. The belt coiled into a harmless lump at his feet and she remembered how to breathe.

  “No. I’m not you.”

  Em could have cried with relief.

  “That’s your problem, isn’t it? You’re not strong enough. Never were. You were always too weak to do what needed doing. You couldn’t protect yourself. You couldn’t protect your mother. And now, you can’t protect . . .” He took one step toward Em and Jay doubled him over with a lighting fast slug to the gut.

  “I’m not weak, either, you son of a bitch.”

  Em hopped back, allowing Jay to tuck her safely behind him once more—he needed that much from her—as red and blue flashing lights illuminated the room and the sound of wailing sirens met their ears. The Calvary had arrived.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Em

  Em fisted Jay’s shirt and his arms came around her, holding her tight as five police officers flooded the house through the open front door. It was a whirlwind of activity after that. Someone shouted for Jay to step away from her. It took him a moment, but he complied. One look at Jay’s raw back and his father was in cuffs being led back out of the house to the awaiting car.

  A pair of EMT’s were next to arrive and immediately converged on Jay, but he wouldn’t allow it.

  “Em first. Help her first.”

  “Jay, let them—”

  He took her face carefully in his hands, running his thumb gently below the cut on her cheek. “You. First.”

  Em scowled. There really was no arguing with him. “Okay, but then you.”

  “Deal.”

  The team led her to the sofa, where they poked and prodded at her face and arm, finally deciding on a few butterfly bandages and an icepack. By the time they’d finished a female officer was waiting to take their place. Em watched them head into the kitchen where two other officers had taken Jay and sighed. It was only the beginning of a long night to come.

  The officer was nice enough, talking in gentle tones as she asked her again and again about the events leading up to that night. About Jay’s past. About his father. And finally what had transpired over the past few hours. But the questions were beginning to grate on Em’s brittle nerves. She was exhausted, overwhelmed, and about to crash hard from the adrenaline high she’d been riding all night.

  Finally, the officer handed her a small white business card with her name and number on it and explained that she’d be in touch. The EMT’s had left sans Jay, which made Em feel a little bit better, but the officers still weren’t finished with him in the kitchen.

  She could hear the hum of their voices, but not what they were saying. Slowly, the stress of the past few hours caught up with her. She couldn’t even remember lying down, but when a gentle shake roused her, it was pitch dark outside the window.

  “Em, baby, come to bed.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Late.”

  Em came fully to her senses, looking up into Jay’s drawn, weary face. “The police?”

  “They left. A little while ago.”

  “Ash and Mason?”

  “They talked to the cops outside and Mason took Ashlyn home. We’ll have to take her car back to her tomorrow.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I–”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re exhausted, Em. We’re both exhausted.” His thumb gently caressed the inch long gash on her cheek that had been cleaned and bandaged by the EMT’s. “But it’s over now. The bullshit is finally over.”

  Em quietly followed Jay down the hall and into their bedroom, not even bothering to turn on lights as they went. His words filled the silent space between them as she crawled into bed beside him. It felt good to be back. To be home. Where she belonged. But he was wrong, it wasn’t over. The past would never be behind them until she could put it in its place. It would never stop interfering in their lives, in their relationship, or in their bedroom if she couldn’t find a way to move past it.

  “Jay?” She ran her hand over his hard chest and down his side to toy with the edges of his bandages. Raw, red welts covered most of his back. A few cut through the skin and needed tending, but it was decided he didn’t require any stitches.

  “Hmm?” His fingers gently traced the puffy red mark along her forearm.

  “I want it to be over.”

  “It is�
��”

  “I want to move past it. Past everything. I want . . . I want to live my life like a normal person. I don’t want to let my past control me anymore.”

  “Baby . . .” Jay shifted onto his elbow to look down at her. “What are you saying?”

  “I want . . .” Em swallowed hard and forced herself to continue. If she couldn’t even say the words there was no way she’d be able to go through with the act. “Make love to me, Jay.”

  “Em.” Jay leaned over her to gently stroke her face and Em’s eyes fell shut. “Look at me.” They snapped open again and she looked deep into his, swimming with uncertainty. “There’s nothing I want more, but . . . you don’t have to do this. Not for me. Em, you make me the luckiest man on the planet. All I want out of this life is just to spend it with you. To hear you laugh, see you smile, hold you when you cry, and kiss away your tears. I don’t need anything more than that. Just having you here . . . I can’t believe you came back.” His voice cracked, taking Em’s heart along with it. “After everything I did, everything I put you through, you still came back to me.”

  “Of course I came back to you. I love you, Jay. I never really left.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “What?”

  “How I deserve someone like you.”

  “Jay . . .”

  She must have cried in front of Jay a million times, but she could count the number of times she’d seen tears in his eyes on one hand. She saw them now. “He said I hurt you.”

  “Who?”

  “Mason.”

  Em sighed. “Mason doesn’t—”

  “He said you were a wreck. Broken. And I did that to you. All I wanted was—”

  “To do the right thing. What you thought was best for me. I know that. But can you see now that you’re what’s best for me?”

  Jay nodded, solemnly.

  “When Mason told me that, I realized what I’d done to you. To us. I was so angry with myself. I thought I’d blown it. The one and only light in my life and I thought I’d destroyed it.” Jay swallowed hard as his gaze drifted inward, and Em knew how difficult this was for him. He was finally opening up to her and it was the most beautiful and terrifying thing she’d ever experienced. “Then my father showed up and . . . and I just didn’t care. I think I might have let him finally do it. Let him kill me.”

  “Jay!”

  “But then you came back.” Hope shined in his eyes, mending the many pieces of her heart he’d just shattered it into. “You brought back my reason to live. You are my reason, Em. You’re the reason for every breath I breathe. Every beat of my heart belongs to you.”

  Em had to swallow back her tears before she could find her ability to speak.

  “We’ve both been trying so hard to prove to ourselves that we’re strong enough to do things on our own, but I think we were wrong. We’re not strong enough alone. And that’s okay, because we’re not alone. I have you, and you have me, and nothing is going to change that. Apart, were like broken mirrors, reflecting back these warped and skewed images of ourselves. Allowing the scars to blot out everything else. But, when we’re together, we can glue those pieces back together. We see each other as whole, and remind each other that those good things are there—inside us—even if we can’t see them ourselves.”

  “Christ, Em.”

  Her overtired mouth had run away with her, revealing more than she meant to, but it had all been the truth, and she was sick of secrets and hiding. Laying herself bare emotionally was as terrifying as the thought of doing it physically, but she was done letting fear rule her. With Jay beside her, she didn’t need to be afraid anymore.

  “What?”

  Staring down at her, hair slipped into his face as his shook his head softly. Em fought the urge to brush it back before realizing she didn’t have to. “You’re something sort of amazing, you know that?”

  The joy of feeling his soft hair between her fingers again brought a smile to her face. “Only when you tell me.”

  “Then I’ll keep telling you. For the rest of our lives.”

  “And I’ll keep telling you, because you’re pretty amazing yourself.” Jay’s eyes warmed and her body heated as he trailed his finger over her cheek and down her neckline. “I love you so much. I know I don’t have to do this, Jay. I want to. For me.”

  She eased his fears as he slowly eased his body over hers, balancing most of his weight on his forearms.

  Lowering his head, Jay ran his nose along hers and then brushed her lips with his. He was testing the waters. Testing her. Making sure this was really what she wanted. Em met his test with as much enthusiasm as she could, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his mouth more firmly against hers in a demanding kiss. It didn’t take long for her to coax the passion in him from a kindling spark to a roaring fire.

  He didn’t rush. Their movements weren’t frantic and hurried. They took their time. Moving slowly, cautiously, one step at a time. Stopping now and then to catch their breath and revel in their new found closeness.

  When nothing remained between them but skin, Jay sat back to take her in. It took everything she possessed not to pull up the blankets and cover herself from his hungry gaze combing every inch of her body. When Em looked at herself all she saw were the memories, the scars. All she felt was his slimy touch. Her skin was contaminated and putrid. To her, her body was nothing more than the source of her violation, a rotted vessel of pain and humiliation. It was nearly impossible not to want to hide that from the one person whose opinion mattered more to her than anything else in the world. But Jay didn’t see her that way. Somehow he saw past all of that.

  “So beautiful.” His mumbled words were like a balm to the sore she’d just ripped open, soothing and healing her.

  When the warm weight of his body covered her again, Jay allowed her to bear more of his weight. She held her breath, preparing for the fear to take over. Her heart rate increased and she could feel the sweat starting to dampen her palms.

  “Are you okay? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I mean it. Just say the word, baby.” He looked down at her with such sincerity that it melted away whatever defenses remained between them.

  “I’m all right. I’m ready now.”

  He moved an inch and froze again. “You’re really sure?”

  “Yes. I’m sure. I want this, Jay. I want you.”

  Slowly, he pressed himself into her. There was pressure and Em braced herself, but he was infinitely gentle. Still, the flashes came. Memories swamping her mind, torturing her heart. The sickening scent of cologne and sweat. Callous hands, brutal body.

  Then, Jay’s lips moved slowly along her jawline, up to her ear, and he started whispering. Quiet words of love and comfort. Promises of a future together and a happy life. The memories receded. Washed away by new thoughts and sensations. He held perfectly still until he felt her body relax beneath his, and then he started to move.

  ***

  She’d never experienced anything like that before. Afterward, she lay on her side, wrapped tightly in Jay’s arms. Both of them still breathing hard.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m better than okay.” It was the truth. She’d never felt so relaxed in her entire life. Like her body had melted straight into the mattress. “That was . . . I want more of whatever that was.”

  Jay’s chest rumbled with a deep chuckle as he squeezed her tighter.

  “Christ, you’re so beautiful. And I don’t just mean your long, silky hair.” His fingers slid through her dark locks, fanning them over her bare shoulder. “Or your smooth, creamy skin.” His finger trailed a light path down her arm and back up her neck to her face. “Or your stunning blue eyes. Or that adorable little nose you like to scrunch up when you get annoyed with me.” He tapped the tip of her nose and she scrunched it just to see him smile. “I mean inside. Your heart, your soul. They’re beautiful. You’re a beautiful person, Em. I love you so much.”

  Em wished she ha
d beautiful words to give him in return. Words so perfect they would pierce his heart the way his had hers. Instead, she gave him the only words she had. The only words that mattered. “I love you, too.”

  Epilogue

  Em

  “Dammit. Can you hand me a towel?”

  Em fought back a grin as she watched Jay scowl at the puddle of water on the living room floor. The bowl they’d set out to catch the leak in the ceiling the night before clearly hadn’t been large enough.

  He glanced at her, and his lips tipped upward. “What? You think this is funny?”

  “No. Not funny.” And it wasn’t. Not really. The repairs would probably cost them a ton of overtime. But what she did enjoy was that a puddle on the floor was their biggest problem at the moment. No dire emergencies, no desperate circumstances, no dangerous threats. Life had been genuinely calm in the weeks since Jay’s father’s arrest.

  Slowly he got to his feet, stalking toward her with a predatory gleam in his eye that Em knew meant she’d be writhing on the floor in hysterics in a matter of moments. “You want to laugh? I’ll give you something to laugh about.”

  Backtracking down the hallway, she raced for the bathroom, the thud of Jay’s feet on the hardwood close behind her. He was fast, but she managed to slip inside before he could reach her, throwing the lock just as the doorknob twisted.