Surviving for Us

by Lauren Nicole

  “Don’t change on my account. See you soon.”

  I laugh at his statement. As much as I’d like to fulfill this little fantasy he’s got going on, these are dirty and need to be taken off. Before I hop in the shower I turn the radio on to let some music fill the silence. While washing my hair, Carrie Underwood’s “Just a Dream” comes over the speakers. I stand still, listening to the lyrics, and the tears I’ve been trying to hold in, fall free.

  I can’t bear to lose him. What if something does happen to him? Who will teach our son to throw a football or fish, or walk our little girl down the aisle the day she marries her forever. Chase has become my forever, and now I have to send him off to fight for this country when I really need him home with me. What if he doesn’t make it home to me or our baby? I won’t be able to survive the heartache if he doesn’t make it home to us. Like the song says, maybe this is just a dream. Maybe I’ll go over there and everything will be fine and he won’t be leaving. I dry my tears, resolving that I need to stay strong for him and this baby.

  I arrive at the guys’ house, but before I can even open the door Chase is there, pulling me off my seat. Shutting my door, he pushes me against the car, his lips on mine. I drop my purse so I have both hands free to touch him. I need this right now—our connection. I need to know that he is what is real in this world. Although we haven’t been together that long, our connection is intense and real.

  He pulls away and studies my face, I’m sure he can see I’ve been crying. “Angie, baby, what’s wrong?” he asks, concern in his voice.

  I tell him my thoughts from when I was in the shower. How I’m scared to lose him. I can’t look him in the eyes as I pour my heart out. I really need to stop this crying, it’s not like me to cry this much. He grabs my face and tilts it up so we’re staring into each other’s eyes.

  “Don’t think I’m not scared either. I am scared shitless, but what I do know is that I will fight every damn day to come back here and be with my family. This is going to be the biggest challenge of our relationship, and I know we will come out on top. I know something could happen to me while I’m over there, but I have so much to live for. Just you wait and see. Now dry up those pretty eyes on that beautiful face, and let’s go have a good night with our friends.” He bends down and gives me a quick, sweet kiss before grabbing my hand and leading me into the house.

  Inside, Jenn and Chris are in the kitchen, talking. As soon as Jenn notices me, she comes over and wraps me in her arms. Without even having to tell her, she knows what I’m going through and that I need her now more than ever.

  She whispers in my ear that everything will turn out okay, and I believe her.

  I don’t want to think about this any more tonight, I just want a night filled with laughter. The four of us spending time together is what I need.

  “Okay, no more talking about this, let’s just have a good night,” Chris says, bringing dinner to the table.

  Chase pulls out a chair for me to sit in. He places a kiss to my temple and leaves to get me a drink. Once he’s back we all sit down and enjoy Jenn’s homemade lasagna. This definitely hits the spot, and I’m so thankful that I’m not throwing it up. I can tell something is bothering Chris throughout our dinner. He looks nervous for some reason. I push the thought aside as I’m sure it has to do with everything that’s going on. The guys get up and clear the table. They are back in a flash, setting down dessert and a bottle of wine. They seem to have gone all out for this dinner.

  Just then, Chris drops to one knee beside Jenn. My hand flies over my mouth, damn it, here come the tears.

  “Jenn, my love, we’ve been through so much over the last seven years. I love you and can’t see my future with anybody else. Will you please marry me?”

  I look over at her and see she is crying. This is so sweet. I always knew they would end up together one day.

  “Yes, oh my God, yes!” She screams. He slides the ring on her finger and pulls her up to him so he can kiss her deeply.

  I look over at Chase and see him smiling. He grabs the wine and pours three glasses and refills my drink. He seems overly cool, not at all surprised, and it hits me. “Did you know about this?

  He just winks at me and goes back to the drinks. Chris must have told him about it before. I get out of my seat to congratulate them. “I’m so happy for you. Congratulations,” I say, wrapping my arms around her.

  “Thank you, I can’t believe this. After all these years we are finally where we want to be.”

  “If anyone deserves it, it’s you guys.”

  “Angie, I want you to be my maid of honor. Will you?”

  Oh wow, I thought for sure she would have picked her sister, but I am honored she has picked me. “Oh my God, of course, yes! I can’t believe you asked me.”

  Chase comes over and hands me my glass filled with Sprite while Chris gives Jenn her glass.

  “To Jenn and Chris. Congratulations. Let the wedding planning begin,” Chase says.

  “Cheers.” We all say together.

  After dessert, we’re heading to the living room when Chase’s phone rings. He takes it out to the patio. I can tell Jenn and Chris want some time alone so I say my goodbyes and make my way over to where Chase is. He looks up and I mouth ‘come over when you’re done’. He nods.

  When I get home I don’t even bother with the lights, and head straight to my bed. Not even ten minutes later I hear the door unlock. I’m sure Jenn gave Chase her key so he could get in.

  He comes in the room and lies down beside me. “Baby, is everything okay?” He places a gentle kiss on my cheek.

  “I guess. I just wanted to give them space, and I didn’t have a good feeling about your call.”

  He wraps his arms around me when I lay my head on his chest. “You’re right, that was my unit that called. I leave in a week to do all my medical evaluations, then I leave in a month to start my training in North Carolina, then deploy from there,” he says, while rubbing my back.

  I don’t answer him, because I don’t know what to say. I just want this to be one bad nightmare. I push past the sad feeling, determined to make this next while as special as I can. I close my eyes and drift off to a troubled sleep.

  Chapter 24

  Chase

  These last few weeks with Angie have been amazing. We went to the doctor’s last week and were able to see and hear the baby’s heartbeat. That was music to my ears. This baby already has me wrapped around his or her finger just like Angie does. I leave tomorrow to start my training, and I don’t want to. We have become so close over the last couple of weeks. I’m ready to ask her today to marry me, but I just don’t want anyone to think it’s only because of the pregnancy. Plus it wouldn’t be fair to her to spend the first part of our marriage or engagement separated. I’m going to just enjoy the next twenty-four hours with her.

  Today my dad is throwing a going away barbecue for everyone. I know it’s hard to have a good time when my deployment is weighing on a lot of minds. I came out to my dad’s late last night to help him set up.

  “So, son, what’s going on with you and Angie?” my dad asks, as we start to prep the food and set up the tables.

  “Everything’s been great these last couple of weeks. I know with me leaving it’s not going to be easy. Leaving her here while pregnant is tearing me up inside. What if something happens to her or the baby? I’m just not taking this easy.” I’ve always been able to be honest with him.

  “You can’t think of the bad, son, you need to keep your thoughts positive. The last thing you want to do is be over there worrying about home and something happening to you. Angie is in good hands; she has us, her friends, and family. We will look out for her and make sure she has everything she needs. You just need to worry about coming home to her and the baby,” he says, getting up to check on the food.

  I sit and think about what he said. He does have a point, if I don’t have a clear mind I could screw up and something major could happen. I need to focus on
knowing that everything is going to be okay, and that I’ll be home before we know it. I don’t know if telling myself will convince me it’s true, but I know I need to think that way.

  The car pulling into the driveway takes me away from my thoughts. Looking up, I see Angie heading my way. I get up quickly, making my way toward her with the biggest smile on my face. She looks absolutely stunning wearing her yellow sundress and cowboy boots. You still can’t tell she’s pregnant. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her. “Hey, baby. I missed you,” I say against her lips.

  “Hey, you, missed you, too.”

  Grabbing her hand we make our way over to where Jenn and Chris parked; they’re just getting out of their vehicle. We all make our way over to one of the picnic tables, Chris and I leave the ladies there to get us all something to drink. Making our way back to the table, I can’t help but keep my eyes glued to Angie. She looks like an angel sitting there. She is definitely glowing, or whatever they call pregnant women. She throws her head back in a deep laugh, and all I can think about is running my lips and tongue up and down her smooth, silky neck. I have to re-adjust myself so she doesn’t see the bulge in my pants. I give her neck a quick kiss and sit down, handing her the drink.

  “So we picked a date for the wedding,” Jenn says excitedly.

  This is news to me. I didn’t know they were already planning it.

  “Yay! When?” Angie asks.

  “We were thinking March sixth of next year. That gives us enough time and you will be home,” Jenn says, looking at me.

  “That sounds great,” I say, wrapping my arm around Angie, bringing her close to me.

  People start trickling in over the next hour, but soon the party is in full swing. Some people are playing cornhole while others just eat and hang out. I spend most of my time making my rounds, catching up and them wishing me well. A couple of hours later people start to disperse, just leaving mostly family. The later the day gets, the more I want time to stop. I can tell Angie is thinking the same thing, she has become pretty quiet and her beautiful eyes hold too much worry in them.

  Chris walks up to me and pulls me away from Angie. “Hey, man, we’re going to head out and give you some alone time with Angie and your family. Just know that I’ll be thinking about you every day. You come home safe so you can be my best man. I’ll watch over them, don’t you worry,” he says, giving me a hug.

  “I will. Thank you, it means a lot to me. I will try to call when I can.”

  I move over to Jenn who already has tears in her eyes. I hate when they cry. “Come here, don’t cry. It will all be okay. You just worry about planning that wedding. I know you’ll be a big help to Angie with the baby, I appreciate that more than you know.”

  “This sucks. You’re supposed to be here for her, but, of course, I’ll help her and keep her busy. Please come home. I don’t know what I would do if something happens to you.” She begins to sob against my chest even harder.

  “I’ll be fine,” I say, handing her off to Chris who wraps her in his arms and walks to the car. He looks up before he gets in the driver’s seat and nods his head at me. Wow, that was worse than I thought it would be. Lord knows how it’s going to be when I have to say my goodbye to Angie. I turn to make my way over to where she is talking to my stepmom. I sit down next to her and she looks up at me. Her blue eyes look tired and worried. Wanting to take away the look of worry for just one night, I stand up and grab her hand.

  “Come on, baby, let’s get you in bed.” We say goodnight to my dad and stepmom as we make our way over toward the guesthouse.

  Once inside, she turns abruptly, and I find her lips on mine. She presses me up against the door and starts to yank at my shirt. I have to grab her hands to make her stop.

  “Whoa, Angie, what are you doing?” I murmur against her lips.

  “I want you, Chase. I just want to forget about tomorrow and it just be us tonight.”

  “I want you too, but not like this. I don’t know when I will have you again so tonight we go slowly, and at my pace,” I say, grabbing her hand and leading her toward the bed. I stop right before it and turn her into me. I place both my hands on the sides of her face, tilting her head up to look at me. “I love you,” I say, right before my lips mold to hers. Tracing my hands over her shoulders, I grab the straps to her dress and pull them down, letting the material go as it piles around her feet. She is left standing in nothing but a pink lace thong. Holy fuck she looks good. I quickly grab the back of my shirt, yanking it off, needing to feel her skin against mine one last time. Bringing my lips back to hers, I lick her bottom lip, coaxing her to open, and I thrust my tongue inside and claim her. Our tongues move together like they were made for each other.

  Grabbing ahold of her thighs, I lift her up and lay her on the bed gently, without breaking our kiss. I start licking and kissing down her neck, and my hands find her breasts, cupping them while rubbing my thumbs over her nipples. They immediately harden against my touch. “These are changing,” I say as I kiss over her cleavage. I nibble over them until her tight bud is in my mouth. She moans loudly when I begin to suck. Trailing one hand down her stomach and into her thong, I lightly trace my fingers over her lips, her hips bucking against my hand.

  “I’m going to miss this so much. Tonight is about you and me,” I say against her skin. I insert one finger and begin to move, trying to get deeper in her than I ever have before. I need to feel this connection that I know we have.

  “Oh God, Chase.” She moans.

  Sitting back on my knees I withdraw my finger and remove her thong. I make quick work of my pants and boxers. Lying back on top of her, I slowly sink in and hold my position once. “Look at me, baby.” I wait until her eyes find mine. “Remember this feeling right here. Don’t forget what it feels like to be full of me. I want you to feel it all so when I’m gone you will remember this. How perfectly we fit together, and how we can’t tell where you begin and I end. I love you, baby.” I start moving in and out, taking my time to make sure she feels it all, because, in this moment, I know I will fight like hell to come home to her. She is my saving angel. I can start to feel her tighten around me. Knowing she is close to finding her release, I pick my pace up.

  “Oh yes, Chase.”

  “That’s it, baby, let go.” She finds her release when the words leave my mouth. I follow right behind her, giving her one last thrust. I lean my head down, kissing her softly, prolonging this connection. Because once I break it, tomorrow will be on my mind again. Right now, in this moment, it’s just her and me, in our own bubble. No talk of what’s to come at sunrise, no talk of the baby. Just us. Connecting like we are made for each other.

  “I love you, baby,” I say, before I slide out of her. Once the connection is broken I want to fix it, make it to where nothing is going to happen.

  “I love you too, Chase.” A tear slides from her beautiful eyes. I lean down and kiss it away.

  I lie back down after I clean us up and pull her over to me. She lays her head on my chest while her hand runs over my stomach. Not long after, her breathing evens out, letting me know she has fallen asleep. I try so hard to close my eyes and sleep, but truth is, I can’t. I want to remember this moment forever—with her in my arms and the love we have for each other.

  I didn’t end up getting any sleep. I stayed up all night and just stared at her. All I could think about was her and our baby. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s time to get up, I really wish I didn’t have to wake her. I rub her back softly. She wakes, and without a word we hold a stare, dreading what is about to come. I lean down and kiss her lips, which are still swollen from last night’s lovemaking.

  “Come on, beautiful, it’s time to get up and get ready.” She doesn’t say anything, just nods her head while sitting up. We don’t speak as we dress. I mean, what is there really to say? Nobody is happy about this. I, for damn sure, am not.

  Once dressed, we meet my dad and stepmom by the car and head to my unit. I hold her hand the entire wa
y; I never want to let her go… She tenses when we pull into my unit and see the buses are already waiting. I feel like such an ass for doing this to her. She doesn’t deserve this. Hopping out of the car, I grab my bags and walk them over to the bus.

  I go over to my dad to say goodbye. “Take care of her, Dad, she and that baby are my world. I’ll miss you so much. I promise to come home safely. Once I get my address I’ll send it to you and I’ll call when I can. I love you.” I say everything in a rush, I won’t let her see my breakdown. I need to be strong.

  “Don’t worry, son, she is in good hands. You know that. Just please, do what you’re told and stay safe. Call me when you get a chance. I love you, son.”

  I get the rest of my goodbyes done before the hard one comes. I have to stop and get my emotions under control. I won’t let her see me crumble. I walk over to her and pull her into me. As soon as she is in my arms I feel her body wrack with tears. I squeeze her as tight as I can without hurting her.

  “God, I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this. Everything will be okay, baby, I know it may not seem like it now, but I promise it will. If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to call my dad or mom. I want you to stay focused on this baby, put everything you have into it. I’m going to miss you guys so much. I’ll call every second I get. I love you so much, baby.” I lean down and whisper into her ear: “Just remember, you belong in my arms.” I pull her head away from me and wipe her tears.

  “I love you so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do with you gone. Just come home to us, we need you. I can’t live forever without you. You are my world and this baby needs their father. I’ll miss you like crazy. Please just come home safely,” she says between sobs.

  I lean down and kiss her lips. I taste the salt of her tears, and if I’m positive, mine, too. I want to remember this kiss for forever as long as I’m gone. I hear them calling for us. I don’t want to pull away, but I know I have to. I break our kiss and wipe her tears.