Surviving for Us

by Lauren Nicole

  “I love you,” she says.

  “I love you too, baby.” I slowly back away from her, my heart breaking as I walk away right now. I can’t take the pain in her eyes. It is slowly destroying me. I walk onto the bus and sit beside the window. She can’t see me, but all I do is stare at her. I’m sure I look like a chick sitting here, sobbing. As the bus pulls away, I look back one more time and watch my whole world just standing there, sobbing her eyes out.

  This is going to be a long eight or nine months.

  Chapter 25

  Angie

  Four Months Later

  These past couple of months have been tough—I won’t lie. The day Chase left was one of the worst days of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did that day. I am trying to keep myself busy with work and focusing on this pregnancy. Both of our families have been great with helping me through this. I’m getting so excited for this baby to come into this world. I honestly think the baby was a blessing to help me through this deployment. To give me something to focus on and not worry about Chase all day, not that I don’t now, but I also have a baby to prepare for.

  Usually, I get to talk to him about once a week, sometimes more. But there’s also been times where we’ve gone a couple of weeks without a word, and let me tell you, that sucks. I couldn’t sleep and was sick to my stomach those weeks, but as his dad told me, ‘No news is good news’. The only thing I can try to do is focus on the positives. I know he misses me and hates that he isn’t here for the pregnancy. I can’t imagine what he is going through over there. I can only be strong for him and get us through this. We are around the halfway mark of this deployment, so I’m hoping the second half goes much faster than the first. I miss him so fucking much it hurts. I’m ready to be wrapped in his arms and for everything to be okay.

  Tomorrow, my mom, Jenn and I are going to find out the sex of the baby. However, I’m going to wait until I have Chase on the phone to find out its sex. I want to share that special moment with him even though he’s thousands of miles away. I feel that this will make him feel even more connected to the pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am extremely excited to find out what this little buddle of joy is.

  As I’m getting ready for work that day, my phone starts to ring. I don’t recognize the number, but when Chase calls it’s always a different one. I slide my finger across the screen to accept the call. “Hello.”

  “Hey, baby.”

  Just the sound of his voice brings me relief. “God, I missed your voice. How are you?”

  “I’m good, baby. I don’t have long to talk, just wanted to hear your voice and tell you I love you and miss you like crazy.”

  “I love you and miss you too, baby. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear your voice until you called,” I say honestly. I thought I was fine, but just hearing his voice brings me peace of mind.

  “Listen, baby, I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow evening, your time, so you can tell me about your doctor appointment. I love you so much, baby, and our little one.”

  Wow, I’m surprised he remembered the appointment is tomorrow. “Okay, Chase. Please be safe and I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. Right now we are both fine and healthy. I love you, handsome.” I place the phone on the side table and lie back on the bed. I both love and hate talking to him. It’s always great to hear his voice, but it makes me miss him so much more than I already did. After about ten minutes, I get up to finish getting ready for my workday.

  The day passes in a blur and was great. I love days the office is slammed; it makes time fly by and doesn’t give me much time to think about everything going on in my life. Luckily, I was able to get the entire day off tomorrow, for the appointment. Jenn has been spending a lot of time with Chris at his place but we’re supposed to hang out tonight. I’m truly happy they’re so happy together, but I get lonely some nights and it just sucks.

  I arrive home from work and find her cooking in the kitchen. Which smells delicious, if I must add. I am thankful the sickness part of my pregnancy is over. I can pretty much eat whatever I want now.

  “Hey. How was work?” Jenn asks, as I walk into the kitchen.

  “Hey, it was great. What did you do today?” She is on vacation this week. She and my mom are both coming with me tomorrow to see the baby.

  “Cleaned up around here and started looking at wedding stuff. I figured we could do some more when we’re done eating. Did you talk to Chase today?”

  I can’t stop the smile that comes to my face with just the sound of his name. “Yeah, he called me this morning before work. We only got a couple of minutes, but he’s going to call me tomorrow evening.” You can hear the relief in my voice.

  “That’s awesome. Come on, let’s eat, I’m hungry,” she says, grabbing the casserole out of the oven.

  While the two of us eat we go over some of her wedding details. By the time we finish it is well after nine o’clock. I’m exhausted. That night in bed, I toss and turn. I just couldn’t get comfortable, and kept having worrisome thoughts about Chase. I keep having these bad dreams where something happens to him or the baby. I know I just spoke to him over twelve hours ago, but a lot can happen within that time. When I finally fall asleep it’s well after midnight.

  I awake the following morning excited for the day’s events, and praying everything is healthy with our baby. My phone starts ringing. I pick it up off my nightstand and see it’s my momma calling. “Hey, Momma.”

  “Hey, baby girl. I wanted to see if you ladies want to grab some lunch before your ultrasound?”

  “That sounds good. Be here around noon and we can head out.”

  “Okay. Have you heard from Chase at all?” She’s been very good about making sure he’s okay. I believe she already loves him, as crazy as that sounds.

  “Yes, he called me yesterday morning, and I should hear from him again tonight to find out what we’re having.” She is the most supportive woman in my life, well, besides Jenn.

  “That’s great, baby. All right, I’ll pick you ladies up at noon. Love you,” she says.

  Saying ‘I love you’ back, we disconnect the call. I yell for Jenn and go over our plan. She needs to run to the store so I decide to roll over and try to get a couple more hours of sleep, since I slept like crap last night. Thankfully, Jenn wakes me a few hours later, telling me it’s time to get ready to go. Rolling out of bed, I shower then throw on a pair of shorts and tank top. Right at noon I hear the doorbell. That’s my mother for you, always on time and not a minute late.

  We say our hellos and hop into her car. We go to a local restaurant and end up staying there for a couple of hours. We talk about the baby, the upcoming wedding, and the boys. I miss this girl time. With everything going on, we don’t get much time for it. We finally leave and head to the doctor’s office. My stomach is in knots about this appointment. I’m so excited but extremely sad at the same time. Chase should be here with us. Jenn and my mom are doing everything to keep me happy, and helping me not to think about him being absent for these special moments.

  Our little bundle of joy is perfect and measuring right on time. To see the baby up on the screen brought tears to my eyes. So amazing to see this baby that we created together. The ultrasound technician was able to see the sex, so she put it with the pictures in a sealed envelope. She had me cover my eyes while she checked and took pictures. Jenn and my mom already know, and now I’m more anxious than ever to find out. I can’t wait for Chase to call so I can open it. I honestly will be happy no matter what we have. Just to know that the baby is healthy brings me peace.

  My mom drops Jenn and me back off at the house. Jenn leaves shortly after to go over to Chris’s house for the night. I hate knowing I’ll be alone all night, but I’m looking forward to hearing from Chase. I grab my kindle and decide to read for a little while, to pass the time. I must doze off because I’m startled awake by the ringing of my phone. I glace down and see a private number on my screen. I swipe my finger to answer it.
/>   “Hello.”

  “Hey, beautiful. How are you?” Chase says happily.

  “I’m great. How are you?”

  “I’m doing okay. Missing you. How did the ultrasound go?”

  “I miss you, too. It went great—the baby is healthy and measuring right on time.”

  He lets out a sigh. “That’s great to hear. So, do we know its sex?”

  I can hear the excitement in his voice. I can’t help but smile at his happiness. Not lately do I hear that from him. “I have it here in the envelope, waiting to be opened.”

  “Well what are you waiting for? Open it!” He practically shouts in the phone.

  “Okay, hold on.” I laugh back at him.

  I pick the envelope up off the table. Taking a deep breath, I slide my finger under the tab and open it. I pull out the paper and glance down. What I see brings the biggest smile to my face.

  IT’S A GIRL!

  “Angie, are you there, baby?” Chase asks in concern.

  “It’s a girl. We have a girl.” I’m surprised I can get the words out through the happy tears that are rolling down my face.

  “Oh my God, I have a daughter? Wow, that’s fantastic.” I can tell he’s so proud and also at a loss for words.

  We don’t have much more time to talk before he needs to go. I can’t believe I’ll have a daughter. I would have been happy with a boy, but this is just so awesome. I’m ready to start planning everything now. Lord knows my bank account is going to take a hit. I call my mom and Jenn after I’ve calmed down. They are both so excited for us. Now here’s to hoping that the next few months fly by so I can have my man back here where he belongs.

  Chapter 26

  Chase

  Holy shit, I’m going to have a daughter. That thought scares the shit out of me, but also makes me happy. I never thought I would have a girl, but now that I am I couldn’t be happier. Finally, something that brings my spirits up.

  These last couple of months have been horrible. We work day in and day out. I don’t get much sleep, and only eat when I can. All you hear is gunfire and yelling. I’m just praying I make it out alive. We are in the thick of it all. Although we haven’t lost any guys in my unit, I have seen some go down. That is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. When I close my eyes at night I try to dream about Angie and our baby. I’m ready to go home now, but unfortunately, I still have a couple of months left.

  I’m lucky I get to talk to Angie a couple of times a week. I try to spread my phone calls out with family, but mostly I just call my girl. Just hearing her voice brings me the relief and strength I need to continue on. I won’t lie and say everything is smooth over here. There are days where I fear for my life. Those days I just focus on my mission, and when I get back to my rack I lie down and try to think of all the good things that are going on back home.

  I make my way back to the rack to lie down and get a couple hours of sleep. All of the guys in my room are gone except my buddy, Eric. I have connected the most with him. He has a one-year-old daughter back home, so he understands what I’m going through.

  “Hey, man, did you find out?” Eric asks when I’m in the room.

  “It’s a girl,” I say happily.

  “That’s awesome, congratulations.”

  We sit up and talk some more. Mostly about the baby, his daughter, and what to expect with a little girl. It gets me even more excited about her coming. Now I just hope that I get home in time to see her birth.

  I need to head to bed soon because we have a three-day mission starting tomorrow, and I want to call my parents before we head out to tell them the good news. I go to sleep with thoughts of Angie and my daughter on my mind.

  Chapter 27

  Angie

  Four Months Later

  I’m approaching my due date and Chase is due home in two days. These last four months flew by. I’ve been getting the nursery ready for our little girl. We still haven’t named her, as Chase wants to see her first. Jenn moved in with Chris about a month or so ago, making my house seem extremely quiet.

  I am ready for Chase to be home, but I can tell something is up with him. I can hear it in his voice when I talk with him. I’m not sure if it’s the distance between us, or something that happened overseas. I knew there was always the possibility he would change somewhat. And I really don’t see how he couldn’t change after what I can only imagine he saw and did. Right now he’s in North Carolina, doing all his post-deployment classes. Words can’t describe the happiness I have, knowing he’s back in the U.S. He calls me a couple of times a day, but sounds distant.

  Jenn is coming over shortly to help me finish getting the nursery ready. She’s been such a big help with everything, despite her wedding being just two short months away. I can’t wait for her wedding, and being able to stand up beside her and support her. She has been there for me through every moment of this pregnancy and Chase’s deployment. I would be lost without her. She is the true definition of a best friend.

  I’m pulled out of my thoughts by my cell phone ringing. I pick it up and answer it without even seeing who it is. “Hello.”

  “Hey, baby.” Chase’s voice booms over the speaker.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m okay, I don’t have long to talk, but I wanted to see how you’re feeling?”

  “My back is hurting, but otherwise I seem to be doing fine. Jenn is on her way over to help me finish the nursery.” As soon as I finish the sentence, Jenn walks into the door.

  “Okay, well, I have to go to class. Call me if something happens. I love you.”

  “I love you, to—,” Before I get all my words out the phone clicks. He hung up on me! He always waits for me to finish. I don’t understand what is wrong with him. He goes from fine to strange in the blink of an eye.

  Jenn comes over and sits down with me on the couch. “Everything okay, girl?”

  “Yes. Chase just seems weird on the phone, not sure what’s going on,” I say, biting my lip.

  I get up and make my way to the nursery to distract myself from the thoughts in my head. Jenn follows me in there and we sit on the floor and start to fold all the baby clothes. I have the sudden urge to pee, so I get up and make my way to the bathroom. As soon as I step into my bathroom, I feel a big gush of water trickle down my legs.

  “Jenn!” I yell.

  “What? What’s wrong?” She bolts to the bathroom door in a panic and looks down at the floor. Her eyes get as big as saucers. “Holy fuck, is that what I think it is?”

  “Yes, we need to get my stuff and head to the hospital,” I say, as I waddle to my room to find a different pair of pants to wear. Jenn rushes out of the bathroom to grab my things, most of it is already sitting by the door.

  Once I change my pants I head back to the living room, and see Jenn coming back in from outside. “Okay, I have everything, let’s go. I already called your mom and she will meet us there. Have you called Chase?” She looks like a chicken running around with her head cut off. I can’t help but laugh at her.

  “No, I’ll call him once we’re in the car. Let’s go,” I say, as we head out. I still don’t have much pain, just a little back pain, but that’s it. We make our way to her car and get in. I see our bags and the baby’s car seat in the back. I pick up my phone and dial Chase. His phone goes straight to voicemail, which is probably because he’s in class and can’t have his phone on. I don’t leave a message because I know he won’t be able to listen to it. So I text him instead.

  Me: My water broke. Headed to the hospital now.

  By the time we get to the hospital I still haven’t heard from him. I hope that he can try and get here, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I get changed and get in the bed while my mother and Jenn get comfortable. We wait for the nurse to come in and check me. I’m getting worried because I still haven’t heard from him. I know that this would mean so much to him to be here for the birth. A couple of minutes later, my doctor comes in and checks me. I’m only
two centimeters, so this could take a while.

  A few hours later I’m relaxing, thanks to the epidural. I have only dilated two more centimeters. I try to make small talk with Jenn and my mom, but I’m worried about Chase. There has still been no word from him. They must be busy if he hasn’t checked his phone at all. I begin to get tired, so I decide to close my eyes and get some sleep, hopefully that will help me relax some more.

  I awake to a warm hand caressing my forehead. I slowly open my eyes and what I see takes my breath away.

  “Hey, beautiful,” Chase says.

  Damn, he looks good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him that I’m speechless.

  He leans in closer and kisses my lips sweetly. “God, I missed you so fucking much,” he says.

  “How did you get here so quick? I never heard back from you,” I say, completely stunned.

  “I was already planning on coming home today to surprise you. Little did I know that you would surprise me. When I got off the plane I received your message and Chris drove me straight here.”

  I can feel the tears running down my cheeks as he talks. He takes his thumbs and gently wipes them away. “I missed you so much, Chase. I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you. Gosh, it’s good to see you again.” He gets the biggest smile on his face. He looks like he’s lost some weight, but he still looks as good as ever. I notice my mom and Jenn have stepped out to give us some privacy. I can’t get over the fact that he is really here. My nerves are a lot less calm knowing he is going to go through this with me. He has yet to stop touching me since I woke up. It feels good to have his hands on me again. About an hour or so later I start to feel a lot of pressure. Chase pages the nurse for me.

  “What can I do for you, doll?” she asks.

  “I’m feeling a lot of pressure, and I’m getting uncomfortable.”

  “Okay, well let’s check you.” She puts on a pair of gloves then comes over to check me. “Well, dear, you are at nine and half. Time to have us a baby,” she says excitedly.