Surviving for Us

by Lauren Nicole

  “See something you like, baby?” I can hear the cockiness in his voice.

  “You know I do,” I say, getting out of bed to lay her back down. I walk over to him and run my hands up his chest and around his neck. I tug his neck so his lips met mine. His hands snake around and pull me closer. Our tongues move in unison as we devour each other. My knees go weak and warmth spreads through my body. All too soon he starts to slow the kiss. When he pulls away that’s when I hear her crying. I was so zoned in to us that I didn’t even hear her. That kind of freaks me out.

  “Go take care of her while I grab a shower. Your breakfast is on the counter,” he says, giving me a quick kiss and walking past me.

  I watch him walk out of the room. Damn, he is a fine sight even when he’s being distant. I grab Ainsley to change her and get her settled down so I can do some housework. Walking into the living room, I sit her down in her swing. I go into the kitchen and see a bagel on the counter. I grab what I need and take it back to where the baby is. It’s when I sit down on the couch that I notice his pillow on the other side. That could only mean after I fell asleep last night he came out here. Just when I thought things would get better he goes back to how he’s been.

  Taking my trash to the kitchen, I open the lid and see beer cans. That’s when I realize that if he doesn’t get help, or do something to fix this, I can no longer be with him. As much as I love him, things need to change. He needs to get help so that he can be with us completely. I can’t do the unknown. I hear Chase come out of the room, so I quickly shut the lid and walk over to the laundry room. I feel his arms come around me.

  “I need to go with Chris and get fitted for my tux. I don’t know how long that will take,” he says, placing a kiss to my temple.

  “That’s fine, Jenn is coming over in a little bit anyway, so we can get some stuff done. Take your time.” I turn in his arms and he kisses me deeply before heading out.

  I decide to finish the laundry and clean the kitchen before she gets here. It would have been nice if he had let me shower before he left, but whatever, I don’t want to fight right now. I will just wait until Jenn gets here. Getting everything done, I grab the wedding stuff that we need and take it to the coffee table. Not long after that, Jenn comes walking through the door.

  “Morning, Ang, where is that baby?”

  I can’t help but laugh at her. “Hey, we’re in the living room.”

  She goes straight to her and picks her up. She is probably the only person I would allow to touch her when she’s sleeping. Everyone else I just might kill. I tell her I’m going to jump in the shower before we get started. She doesn’t even answer me, just nods while staring at Ainsley.

  Hopping into the shower, with the warm water running over me, I can’t help but think about what is going on with him. Something is definitely wrong. He wasn’t much of a big drinker before he left. I mean, yes, he would drink at parties, but that was usually the only time he drank. Now he does it daily. If he comes home today smelling like beer we are going to have a serious talk. I won’t put up with it. Clearing my mind, I finish off my shower and head back out. It’s almost time for me to feed her.

  Jenn and Ainsley are sitting where I left them on the couch. Jenn must be able to tell something’s going on. “What’s wrong, girl?” she asks.

  I tell her about Chase, even though she knows most of it. I tell her about the beer and him being distant. Not wanting to ruin her day, I turn the conversation into her wedding, which is just six weeks away.

  “What do you want to do for your bachelorette party?” I say, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

  “Let’s do dinner then go to one of the clubs. Keep it low-key. Is your mom going to keep her?” she asks, referring to Ainsley.

  “Yes, she’s going to take her for the night and bring her to me in the morning.” I’m looking forward to our girl’s night out. I will miss my baby, but I need some girl time. We end up talking for a couple more hours before she needs to head out. We plan to meet in a couple of days for her final fitting. I can’t wait to see her dress on her again. She leaves just before three o’clock, I take Ainsley into my room to feed her and end up falling asleep myself.

  I awake to the door opening and see Chase walking into the bedroom. He leans down and kisses my forehead. That is when I smell beer on his breath.

  Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

  Getting up, I put Ainsley in her bassinet and go wait for him in the living room. A couple of minutes later he comes strolling in. I get up and face him. “Seriously, Chase?” I ask, completely pissed off.

  “Um, what?” he asks, looking a little lost.

  “You smell like beer. Why is this becoming an everyday thing? Since when did you need a beer to get through the day? Is our life that bad?” I can hear the hurt in my voice when I ask him.

  Within two steps he is in front of me, bringing my face to look at him. “First off, Chris and I went to get a drink after we got fitted. We haven’t hung out since I’ve been home. And secondly, our life is perfect. My mind and body are trying to readjust to this life here at home. What happened over there still bothers me quite a bit, and yes, I’m sorry, but I do drink to help me forget. I didn’t realize it bothered you that much. I will try and stop.”

  “I’m telling you now, if you don’t do something about it, it will split us up in the end,” I say, turning away from him and making my way to the kitchen. I need for him to know that I’m serious.

  Two more weeks pass and pretty much nothing has changed, if anything it’s gotten worse. He is going out tonight for a friend’s birthday, and Lord knows what will happen. I’m going to tell him tomorrow that he has to move out and needs to get some help before he can live with me again. Of course he can still come daily and see Ainsley, if that’s what he wants, but as far as us—we are done until he fixes himself.

  Later that night, while I’m lying in bed, my phone goes off with a text message. I don’t recognize the number, but I open it anyway. What I see takes my breath away. This can’t be right. No, no, no, I say to myself over and over. It’s a picture of Chase at the bar, but what has me upset is that his hands are on some girl’s hips, whispering something into her ear. I see the smile on his face. The one I haven’t seen in a few weeks. How could he do this to me? I stuck by him through everything, and this is how I get treated. My heart feels like it’s breaking even more.

  I hear the door open about thirty minutes later. Taking a deep breath, I get out of bed and make my way to him. He’s sitting on the couch, about to take his shoes off. I stop him before he can even get one off. “Don’t bother, you aren’t staying,” I say, with venom in my voice. He jumps up and sees me standing there. I’m sure he can tell I’ve been crying. He starts to walk to me, but I put my hand up to stop him.

  “Angie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asks me.

  “Am I okay? No, I’m not, Chase. Why don’t you explain this to me?” I say, throwing my phone at him. Good thing he can catch, or I probably would have broken it. He looks at the picture. I can see the disbelief in his eyes, it’s almost like he knows he’s been caught.

  “Angie, it’s not what it looks like. She came up to me and wanted to dance. I pushed her away and told her no, and that I have a girlfriend. I swear, that’s all.”

  “Explain the smile on your face. The one I hardly ever see anymore. You told me you would get your drinking under control, but it’s just getting worse.” Tears are rolling down my cheeks, there’s no stopping them.

  “Whenever I think about you, I smile. So that smile on my face was for you. I’m trying to stop, but it’s hard. The thoughts and memories just come back worse than before. I’m trying to be what you need,” he says, sitting down on the couch, looking exhausted.

  “Well you aren’t trying hard enough, Chase. You should want to change for you, not me. As much as this is going to hurt me, I think you need to leave until you can change. You and I need a break. You need to get yourself help and get
your drinking under control, Chase. I’m sorry, but you need to leave.” Looking into his eyes, you can see the devastation, but I need to be strong for me and the baby. I can’t just give in to him.

  He looks over at me, like he can’t believe what I just said. I have to stay strong and hold my ground. I can’t back down now.

  Chapter 30

  Chase

  She can’t be real. She and the baby are my whole life and now that’s all going down the drain.

  “You’re breaking up with me because of the picture? Don’t you trust me?” I have to remember not to yell because Ainsley is sleeping.

  “No, Chase, I’m doing it because of your drinking, like I already said. I believe you about the picture. But other things need to be fixed.”

  She’s still crying. It breaks my heart to see the hurt on her face, the hurt I put there. “What about Ainsley? Can I still see her?” I think I will blow a gasket if she says no.

  “Of course you can. You can come here and spend time with her while I get stuff done. But for now, you and I are on a break.” She turns to attend to the now-crying baby.

  I just sit there in disbelief that we are over. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We are supposed to get married and raise our daughter together, not separately. It will do me no good to go back there to say goodbye. I pause at the door; because once I walk through it I know we will be done. I should turn around, go back and fight for us. I should tell her how much I need her, how much I love her. She is my rock, even if I haven’t shown it lately, and now that is all gone. I have no one to blame but myself.

  I lock up the house and head over to my truck. “FUCK.” I scream and hit my steering wheel. I just lost the best thing to happen to me because I couldn’t do what she asked. To make matters worse, my nightmares are worse than ever, and now everything is all fucked up. I guess I need to get it all off my chest and then maybe it will feel better. I have no idea where to go this late at night.

  I drive right outside of town, grabbing a six-pack on the way. I stop at a local hotel and get a room. I turn my phone off and leave it in the truck. I don’t want to do anything stupid like call or text her when I know she needs her space. I open a beer and chug it all down in one sitting. I just want to forget tonight ever happened and think about all this shit tomorrow. Just one night I want to sleep without the nightmares becoming so real. I drink all six beers before I pass completely out.

  I wake up to someone banging on the door. Who the hell could that be? No one knows I’m here; I left straight from Angie’s and didn’t tell her, or anyone for that matter, where I was going. I get up slowly and look out the peephole. I see my dad standing on the other side. Great, just who I need to see right now. How the hell did he know I was here? I open the door slowly. “What do you want, Dad?” I ask, pissed off. I wanted to be alone.

  “What the hell is going on? I just left Angie’s and she looks just as bad as you do.” He hands me some clothes. “Go take your ass to the shower and we’ll talk after.”

  Just her name slices my heart some more. I turn and stalk to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. Now that I see everything in the light of day, I’m realizing that maybe this is what is best for her. I’m no good for her anymore. My time over there has fucked with my head so much that I’m not sure I can be fixed.

  Coming back out into the room, I see my dad has cleaned up my mess from last night and is now sitting at the table with a scowl on his face. Taking the seat across from him, I speak first. “How did you know I was here?”

  “I was coming into town to pick up a couple of things when I saw your truck this morning. So I stopped by to see my granddaughter, and when Angie opened the door she looked worse than you do. You need to explain what the hell is going on with you two.”

  I tell him everything that happened last night and my problem with drinking. He just sits there and listens, and doesn’t say a word. “Now that I see everything in the light, maybe this is what is best. I’m not good for her anymore. She needs someone more stable than me. I mean, look how bad I hurt her, and I’ve only been home for a couple of weeks. I love her and our daughter, but right now I’m too fucked up in the head,” I say. I drop my head in my hands and just sit there.

  “So that’s it. You’re just going to take the coward’s way out, and let the best thing that has ever happened to you walk out of your life because you are too chicken-shit to do anything about it?” he asks, clearly pissed off.

  I snap my head up and look him in the eyes. His smirk pisses me off. “What the fuck, Dad? What do you want me to do? I don’t know how to stop the thoughts I get or what I saw over there. It’s not that easy. I can’t give her all of me, and she damn well deserves more than half of me.”

  “I want you to man up and be the man I know you can be. Get help, son, fix whatever is broken with you before you lose her. She won’t wait around forever. You need to figure out if she is worth fighting for. And it’s not just her anymore, you guys have a daughter to raise who needs her dad more than you will ever know. You need to take a day or two and get your head back on straight. You can always stay at my house. Just know that we are here for you.” He gets up and claps me on the back. “No matter what, son, we love you. Think about what I said, I’ll check in with you later.”

  I remain silent as he walks out.

  I spend the rest of that day getting my head on straight. He is right, if I don’t fix this I will lose them both, and I can’t do that. Angie is my special someone. She is my future, and I’ll be damned if someone takes my spot. I need to think of a plan to fight for her. I’m going to have to do some serious making up, and to do that will take some time. Next week I have the bachelor party for Chris, and I definitely need to be on my game for that since I’m the best man. I’m sure he has heard by now and is worried about me since my phone is in the truck.

  The next morning I grab my phone out of my truck and plug it in while I take a shower. I’m sure it is dead, it has been sitting out there since I got here Saturday night. When I finally turn my phone on I have six messages, all from Chris asking if I’m okay. Not one of them is from Angie and that tears my heart in two. I miss her and Ainsley so freaking much, I need to see them.

  Me: Can I come over?

  I hate that I have to ask, but I did this to myself. I must suffer the fallout until I fix this, and I will fix this.

  Angie: Yes, you don’t have to ask to see her.

  I get up and get my stuff together. It hurts to know that when I go over there it’s only to see the baby and not fix this mess between us. It only takes me about twenty minutes to get over there. I have to stay in the truck for a couple of minutes to get my emotions in check. Shit, I feel like a girl.

  When I reach her door I decide to knock, I don’t know if I should let myself in. When she opens the door I have to remember to breathe. Even upset she is still the most beautiful girl in the world to me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, come on, she’s in the swing. I’m going to finish her laundry,” she says, letting me in the house.

  I can tell she has been crying by the puffiness in her eyes. I feel even more like shit than I did before. I make my way over to my daughter, who is looking at the toys on her swing. I pick her up and sit in the rocker with her. She looks up at me and stares. It’s like I’m staring right at Angie. Looking into my baby girl’s eyes makes me want to be a better man and makes me want to fix this sooner than later.

  “I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve brought your mommy, angel, but I promise you I will fix this and make us the family we deserve. I’ll never hurt her or you again. You, my angel, are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Well, that is, besides your mother.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Angie leave the room. I’m not sure if she heard me or not, but I hope she did. She might not believe me, but I will show her. This is my mistake I need to fix, not her. I spend the next couple of hours with her while Angie finishes what she needs to do. I
t’s getting close to five, and I need to get to an appointment. Giving my angel one more kiss, I place her back in the swing so she can sleep. I find Angie in the kitchen, fixing her dinner.

  “I put her in the swing, she’s sleeping. I need to get to an appointment, but I’ll be back tomorrow morning, if that’s okay,” I say.

  “That’s fine,” she says, looking over to me.

  I see the hurt in her eyes. I take a couple of steps and pull her into my arms. Surprisingly, she wraps her arms around me. It feels good to hold her even for a couple of minutes. “I’m going to fix this. I will make us right again,” I say. I give her a quick kiss on her forehead and make my way outside.

  My friend’s dad is a psychologist. I had called him from the hotel over the weekend and he was able to work me into the schedule right away. He knows that it takes forever to get help through the military, and I don’t have forever to wait. I’m damn lucky he is going to help me so quickly. I’m not looking forward to bringing up the past, but this is what I need to do to get my family back. I pull up to his office. Just before I enter, I take a deep breath. Well here goes nothing…

  Chapter 31

  Angie

  These last two weeks have been tough, to say the least. Chase has been here every day, almost all day. I can see that he’s trying to change. I just hope he is doing it for the right reason. I miss him so much, but I know deep down this is what we needed. I believe if I would have never walked away he would still be the same man he was, but I am slowly seeing the man I fell in love with. I’m not ready to go back to him yet, but I’m glad he’s doing whatever it is he is doing. We don’t really talk much when he is here, so I don’t know what he’s doing to get better. Although, I must admit, it’s getting harder to avoid him the longer he’s here.