Surviving for Us

by Lauren Nicole

  I still have a long ways to go, but one thing I know for sure is that I need her by my side. She is my rock, and our daughter is my world. I can’t do this without them. I know that I’ll have to tell her about what happened over there, one day, but until I can deal with it myself, I will keep it locked away. I hope now we can move forward with our relationship. I still don’t know where I stand with her, but I pray that when we wake we can discuss this.

  I soon fall into the most restful sleep I’ve had since being home. Most of it due to the woman in my arms.

  Chapter 33

  Angie

  I wake up extremely hot with a bad headache. Rolling over, I see a glass of water and Tylenol on my nightstand. Weird, I wonder who left that. Sitting up, I take the pills and down the cold glass of water, the smell of bacon hitting my senses. Who the hell is in my kitchen? Before I can get up to check, my boobs start throbbing because they need to be emptied, so I grab the pump that’s sitting next to my bed. Once finished, I take the milk and dump it into the sink, no need to chance it with the alcohol I drank last night. I see the jeans Chase had on last night on my floor. All too slowly, the night’s events come playing back to me—the drinking, dancing, Chase in my house, sex.

  Oh God—sex! I knew it was only a matter of time before I couldn’t resist him any longer. I don’t regret any of it. However, I wish we were under different circumstances. It shouldn’t have happened like that. I miss the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. I wonder if he feels the same way. Has he changed enough—or at all—over these last couple of weeks? I mean, I’ve seen small changes, but I’m talking about big changes. I know he will never forget what happened over there, and I’m okay with that. I just hope he can learn to deal with it while having a family.

  Well, I guess it’s now or never to face the music. After getting ready I walk out into the kitchen and see Chase, shirtless, with his back to me while he is cooking breakfast. What a sight to see. Shaking my head from the thoughts that are about to form, I walk over to him. “Morning,” I say, leaning against the counter.

  He turns and gives me that gorgeous smile. “Morning. How do you feel?”

  “Just a headache, but other than that pretty good.”

  We make small talk while he finishes up breakfast. I grab us some plates and orange juice, taking them to the table so we can eat. When the food is ready we sit down and begin to eat. The first couple of minutes are silent.

  “So, about last night?” I begin.

  “What do you remember? Let’s start with that.”

  “I remember it all, Chase, I wasn’t that drunk. What I want to know is how you feel about it.”

  He takes a couple of minutes before answering. Great, just my luck, he is going to regret it all.

  Taking my hands in his, he begins to speak. “Angie, last night was incredible. I have dreamed of that day since I left you to go on deployment. I don’t regret a single thing about it. These past couple of weeks without you have been an eye opener for me. Having to leave you guys at night kills me. That’s not how this is supposed to be. We should raise her as a family, together. I’ve been going to therapy twice a week and so far it’s helping me deal with everything. I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there slowly. I want this to work for us. You are my life. I love you.”

  I just sit there and take in everything he said. Am I ready to give him another chance? What if he breaks my heart again down the road? It isn’t just me anymore. I can feel my eyes getting watery.

  “Chase, I love you too, I do. And I am so proud of you for getting help. I miss you so much, but I want to make sure you are getting help for yourself, and not just because I said you needed to. With that being said, you have two weeks to prove to me that you want this. No more drinking to escape the pain or putting yourself in the position you were in that night. I don’t have a problem with you drinking every now and again, but it got to the point where that was all you did. But in these two weeks there will be no sex,” I say, with a tear running down my face.

  He gets up and pulls me into his arms. “I promise you, Angie, I will show you this is what I want. There is no place I would rather be than here with you and Ainsley. I only had one beer in the last couple of weeks and that was last night. This will work out, you’ll see,” he says, placing a soft kiss on my lips.

  We let the conversation drop there and clean up in silence. I send my mom a quick text letting her know I’m awake and she can bring Ainsley back.

  “What did you want to talk to me about today? You wanted me to come over,” Chase says, sitting down on the couch beside me.

  “Oh, I go back to work this week, and I was going to see if you wanted to keep Ainsley during the day. If not my mom will watch her, but I thought you might like to.”

  “Of course I will. You don’t have to ask twice. Speaking of her, when is she coming home? I miss her.” I can see the love he has for her by the way he talks. His whole body is relaxed and happy. And damn it if that doesn’t make me happy as well.

  “Mom’s bringing her after she finishes eating,” I say, grabbing the remote to turn the TV on. Not even ten minutes into the show I fall asleep.

  I wake up to a knock at the front door. My head is resting in Chase’s lap, who is passed out, too. I get up quietly without waking him. Opening the door, I find my mother and daughter on the other side. My mother comes in and sets her stuff down in the kitchen. She notices Chase on the couch, and looks back at me with a questioning look on her face. I just smile and promise to call her tomorrow and see her out.

  “I missed you so much, baby,” I say, taking Ainsley out of the car seat and kissing her cheeks. I take her back over to the couch with me and sit down. I look over and see Chase starting to wake up.

  “There’s my princess,” he says, rubbing her back.

  “Mom just dropped her off.” She is sleeping peacefully on my chest while Chase has his head on my shoulder. Right now, in this moment, I love my life. I know Chase and I have a ways to go, but I’m certain we will get there. We sit there in silence, just watching her sleep for about an hour.

  “Why don’t we get ready and go out to dinner?” Chase asks.

  “Sure, that sounds good. Where do you want to go?”

  “Let’s go check out that new steakhouse on main.”

  I’ve been wanting to go there. “Sure, that sounds great. Let me go shower,” I say, handing Ainsley off to Chase before I make my way toward the room.

  After I get ready, Ainsley is ready to eat, so I sit in her room while Chase gets ready. Once she is fed and happy, I put a dress and head bow on her. I must say it is fun to have a girl to dress up. She is still pretty tiny. Two weeks ago she was only up to eight pounds.

  “Well don’t my girls look gorgeous,” Chase says, walking into the room.

  “You look good yourself, handsome.”

  We get all our stuff together and head out. Dinner ends up being a great time. Lucky for us it wasn’t that busy and we were able to get a table quickly. Ainsley was an angel the whole time and never made a peep. Chase was an absolute gentleman to us. I must say it was nice to go out together and have a great meal. I have missed the connection between the two of us.

  We spend the rest of the weekend hanging out at home, just the three of us. I’m sad about leaving her and going back to work, but I know she’s in good hands.

  Chapter 34

  Chase

  Spending my days with Ainsley has been the best ever. These last two weeks I have been doing everything I can to prove to Angie that we should be together. I think she’s been happy with what she sees as I pretty much stay here every night now. During the day it’s just my angel and me, then at night it’s the three of us. Most days we take lunch to Angie at work, she seems to enjoy that. Jenn and Chris have been joining us fairly often in the evenings, in preparation for their wedding tomorrow. Nights have proven to be a struggle with keeping my hands to myself and not be all over her, but I am determined to prove to
her I have changed.

  Today is Friday and we have the rehearsal dinner and run through at the church. We need to be there at six. I roll over and see Angie sleeping peacefully next to me. She took today off because we have a lot to do. Running my hand up and down her back, I whisper: “Angie, baby, time to wake up.”

  “Mmmm.” She mumbles.

  I chuckle at her response. “Come on, we got stuff to do before we drop Ainsley off.”

  She is spending the night with my dad and stepmom while we attend to the bride and groom, and her mother is keeping her tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to having her all to myself tomorrow night. Crowds are a struggle for me, I’m quite nervous about being around a lot of people inside one room tomorrow. Angie rolls over and places her head on my chest, I love when she does this. I’m hoping she is ready to tell me that we are back together.

  “I don’t want to get up, I’m too comfortable,” she says against my chest.

  I run my hand up and down her spine. I can feel the goose bumps I leave behind with my touch. “I know, but people are waiting on us and Ainsley is going to want to eat soon.” As if she heard me, she starts to cry next to our bed. I get up and walk over to her bassinet. She will be three months in a couple of days. When I look over at her, she stops crying and begins smiling. I love when she is like this. She definitely lights up my life. Giving her a kiss, I hand her over to Angie to nurse and hop in the shower.

  Later that day, we drop off Ainsley at my dad’s. It’s going to be weird not having her all weekend. She will be at the wedding, and Angie will be nursing her, but she won’t be directly with us all the time since we have wedding duties. We grab an early lunch before I need to drop Angie off with Jenn. Walking into the local diner, we grab a booth in the back.

  “I can’t believe this day is here. Are you okay?” Angie looks quite nervous for some reason.

  “I’m excited for them, they both deserve this. So, I’ve been thinking.” She pauses as the waitress comes to take our order.

  Angie doesn’t pick back up right after she leaves, so I ask, “Thinking about what?”

  “About us, these last two weeks have been the best. You have shown me that you’ve changed. I know that your time over there will always affect you, and I really do understand that. I hope one day you can tell me about it… But, I’m ready to give us another chance. I want us to be a family and raise Ainsley together. I want you in my bed at night, and I want to wake up with you in the morning. I want it all, Chase.”

  Before she can even finish saying my name I’m next to her, molding my lips to hers. I kiss her passionately, trying to show all my love and admiration in this gesture. I pull slightly away from her lips. “You have just made me the happiest man in the world. I love you so much and want the same with you.”

  The waitress comes back with our food so we break apart. I continue to sit beside her and eat, keeping one hand on her thigh the whole time. My face has a permanent smile on it. I have been waiting for this day for two weeks, but I knew I had to give her the space and time she needed and asked for.

  After lunch we head over to Chris and Jenn’s house, so the girls can go do what they need to. We’re all meeting back at the church later tonight. Walking into their house, we find them on the couch, packing up their stuff for the honeymoon.

  “Hey, guys.” When I sit down I tug Angie’s hand so that she sits down on my lap. Now that we’re back together, I want her as close to me as she can get. Tonight I’m staying with the guys and she’s staying with the girls. This especially sucks now, because there is nothing more I want to do than take her to bed and show her how much I love her. I plan to do just that tomorrow night after the wedding. I booked us a room at the hotel because we have to make sure everything is all cleaned up Sunday morning, and I’m sure it’ll be a late night of partying.

  “Hey, y’all. What have you been doing?” Jenn asks, looking at us curiously.

  “Nothing. Dropped Ainsley off then got some lunch and now we are here,” Angie says, completely ignoring what the question was really about.

  “Yeah, okay, and…?”

  Damn, she just doesn’t give up, does she? I have a good way to make her shut up. I lean Angie back and kiss that smile right off her face. The kiss is deep and hot, there is nothing loving about this. I pull away from her and wink. Jenn’s mouth is hanging open. “Does that answer your question?” I say, smirking at her.

  “About damn time. Now us ladies need to get going,” Jenn says, standing up with a bag in hand.

  I stand up and kiss Angie goodbye, telling her I love her and will see her later. Chris and I hang out at the house and bullshit for a couple of hours. We end up playing pool to make the time go by faster. All I can think about is Angie and the fact that she gave us another chance.

  Before we know it the time has arrived for us to load up my truck with everything they need for the weekend. He and Jenn are taking the limo to the airport, so Angie and I are bringing Jenn’s car home for them on Sunday. After everything is loaded, we start getting ready for the night. Our first stop is the hotel, so we can drop everything off for the reception and to our rooms. Next, we head over to the church where the girls are already waiting for us.

  I see Angie as soon as I walk in. She hasn’t noticed me yet, so I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her. “Having fun, beautiful?”

  Turning in my arms she nods and kisses me softly. I try hard not to devour her in the house of God. It’s hard, but I manage not to.

  A couple of minutes later we all take our places. I’m standing up front next to Chris, as I’m his best man. When the girls start walking down I don’t pay much mind to it, that is until I see Angie. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I want this, and I want this with Angie. I want her to have my last name, the dream wedding she has always wanted. She is the one for me. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to do it. She deserves it all—the perfect proposal and wedding. She will get all of it, and it will be with me. I don’t even pay attention to a single word the pastor says. I am too deep in thought about a wedding of my own. We exit and I meet Angie in the middle to walk down with her.

  “You okay? You looked lost in thought there,” she whispers to me.

  “Never better, baby,” I say, kissing her temple.

  We all head toward the rehearsal dinner to get this night started.

  Chapter 35

  Angie

  “Holy crap, you’re getting married today!” I yell and start jumping on her bed. She joins me, screaming in excitement, too.

  “I can’t believe this day is finally here,” she says once we settle down.

  We spend the morning getting ready for the wedding. We aren’t getting dressed until we get to the church, but before we can leave I have to take something to Chris from her. Making my way toward the guy’s room, I run into Chase in the hallway, he looks so handsome in his suit. Chris wanted Chase to wear his dress blues, but they weren’t ready in time.

  “Wow, don’t you look gorgeous,” he says, kissing my temple.

  “Thank you. Is Chris in there? I have to give this to him, from Jenn,” I say, holding up a box.

  “Yes, but I was on my way to give this to her. Let’s switch.”

  “Perfect. I’ll see you at the church, soon,” I say, kissing him lightly so I don’t mess up my lip gloss.

  We part ways and I make my way back to the girls, to give Jenn her gift. After we’re certain the guys have left, we head out to the limo. Arriving at the church, we make our way toward the room where all the dresses are.

  Us bridesmaids get dressed in our light pink, sweetheart neckline dresses that are strapless and flow to the floor with side draping detail. I am in love with the dress, and it makes it easy for me to feed the baby at the reception. After we’re dressed, we help Jenn get into hers. She looks absolutely amazing in her strapless, satin organza and antique lace dress. The sash across the middle is the same color as our dresses and the guy’s ties. We take a
couple of pictures before it’s time for the wedding to start.

  “You look absolutely beautiful,” I say, before I get ready to walk down the aisle.

  She just nods, because I know she is seconds away from crying and we don’t want to ruin her makeup. Making my way down the aisle, I find Chase at the end, his focus is solely on me. This is the moment I know, without a doubt, that he is my forever. He is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. When I get to the end he gives me that signature wink, and I take my place.

  The wedding goes off as perfectly as they planned. It was absolutely breathtaking, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the church. We spend the next hour taking pictures together. Jenn wanted Ainsley in some of the pictures with us. I must say, this is turning out to be a beautiful day. By the time the pictures are over we are all ready for some reprieve from the hot sun. I give Ainsley back to my mom, who is taking her to the reception so we can ride in the limo with the rest of the wedding party.

  Sitting next to Chase, I can tell something is bothering him. “Hey, you okay?” I whisper so no one else can hear me.

  He looks over to me and rubs my cheek. Smiling softly, he replies, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

  That’s not the answer I was wanting to get out of him, but I won’t push, for now. Maybe he just doesn’t want to say anything in front of all these people. I make a note to ask him later, when we are alone. Pulling up to the church, I push it out of my mind.

  Once the dinner is done, Chase gets up to get Ainsley from my mother. I don’t really think anything about it because whenever she is around he likes to hog all her attention. He comes back over and sits down with her. Jenn and her dad take the stage for their dance. When Heartland’s “I Loved Her First” begins to play, I realize why he got her. He must have known that this was their song. He starts to sing the song quietly in her ear next to me. I can feel a tear run down my face, watching him with her. Him singing this song to her is so moving. To be honest, I’m not even paying attention to Jenn. All my focus is on the guy next to me, who is making me fall in love with him even more than I already am.