Asylum

by Lily White

  I felt sleepy in his safe embrace, my eyelids growing heavy until I could no longer open my eyes to see.

  It must have been a dream when he promised to protect me and shelter me from the nightmare of my life.

  His words set me free me of the terror that waited for me with a brand new day.

  Chapter Twenty

  The prisoner is not the one who has committed a crime,

  but the one who clings to his crime and lives it over and over.

  - Henry Miller

  “Good morning, Alex. I’m here to take you to get your bath and then we’ll be getting your meds and having breakfast together. Did you sleep well?”

  Cracking open my eyes, I blinked away the haze of sleep to find Terrie standing above me. She looked like an angel against the backdrop of blue in the room where I woke.

  “There you are. I was wondering if you were going to sleep the day away or finally join the living.” She smiled and the expression lit the blush on her cheeks, her eyes twinkling with humor and kindness. How someone like Terrie could end up in a place as horrifying as this was beyond my imagination. She was the type of nurse who belonged in a children’s hospital, smothering them with her motherly love and reading them stories until their little eyes became tired and they fell into blissful sleep.

  “Dr. Hutchins was called away about a new patient and he asked me to see to your morning until he could return to continue your therapy from last night.

  I laughed at her statement and remembered the therapy he’d performed. My body was still sore from where he’d been and I grinned thinking about the sweet bits of pain he’d left behind for me to suffer without him. Sitting up in bed, I threw my feet off the mattress and stood up, reaching out to steady myself by grabbing Terrie’s shoulder.

  “Whoa there, beautiful girl. I don’t know what’s put a spring in your step this morning, but you need to take it easy after everything that’s happened over the past few days.” She had a delicate laugh and I smiled to hear it.

  Once I was steady on my feet, she looked at me with a sympathetic expression. “I apologize for having to ask you to turn around. Unfortunately, due to the ugliness that occurred with Emerson, we’re required to keep you restrained while you’re walking through the building. I don’t think you’d actually hurt any of us, but it’s policy. I’m sure you understand.”

  Slipping a thick canvass over my body, she pulled at the tethers to lock my arms around my abdomen.

  “Can’t we use the chains from yesterday, Terrie? Those were more comfortable than this jacket.”

  “My apologies, sweetheart, but I can’t seem to find the chains anywhere. Dr. Hutchins swore that he’d left them in the room after he’d removed them last night, but I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t locate them.” After tsking, she added, “I guess it’s well enough that they’re missing, I gave the key to Dr. Hutchins last night and it was never returned to me. Silly man, always rushing off to tend to this place. I swear it’s like he never goes home anymore. He’s so committed to his patients. We’re lucky to have him.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

  One final tug and I was buckled into the constrictive garment.

  “Off we go.”

  I was marched through the halls with every person, patient, and staff member watching me as I passed. In a few short days, I’d become the sideshow freak, the black widow who’d killed regardless of whether the man was a lover or not. Smiling, I tilted my chin up, my memory of Jeremy giving me the strength to hold my head high and my shoulders back. The lights in this dump still flickered and I received scowls from the staff members who’d intended to do me harm, but I didn’t care. None of that mattered anymore, not when I had someone like Jeremy in my corner.

  There was nothing that could bring me down or stand in my way; nothing that would leave me hunched over and rocking in a corner while the nightmares flooded my mind, leaving me vulnerable to the abuse that was second nature to the place where I was confined.

  After a quick bath, I was suited up in my restraints once again, paraded through the halls towards the medicine window where I stopped short. Instinct hit me before my good mood could catch up and I refused to approach the window where Joe was handing out the daily drugs to the residents. Sally, Lesley and Michelle stood off to the side, gulping down the contents of their little white cups and lifting their tongues for the nurses to see that they’d swallowed down their daily poison.

  Each one of them looked at me through narrowed eyes, seeing something in me that I was hopeful wouldn’t be obvious. Perhaps it was a change in my aura or demeanor, but Lesley winked like she’d figured out my little secret, nudging Michelle with her elbow and tilting her head in my direction. The girls laughed and each one winked before turning towards the rec room where I knew they’d corner me as soon as they had the chance.

  “What is this, Joe? I think you’ve screwed up the dosage again. There’s no reason Alex should be taking this amount of her sedative. Let me see the prescription list.” Terrie waved her hand towards the window, demanding the list from Joe.

  With a sneer, he handed over a small piece of paper and said, “Doctor’s orders. He upped the dosage this morning to ensure that nobody else ends up as one of this bitch’s victims.”

  “Joe! We do not talk about the patients that way. How dare you?” Despite her small size and delicate features, the thundering voice that flowed free of Terrie’s lungs surprised me.

  I could now see how a woman like her was able to maintain her sanity in a place like this. She was a power within herself, her kindness only a disguise and a reflection of the strength she carried inside.

  Glancing over the note, she huffed out a breath before handing it back to Joe and nodding in my direction to tell me to swallow down the drugs. I hesitated while looking quickly into the cup she held to my mouth, surprised to see three sedatives where there should have only been one.

  Confusion saddled my thoughts and I couldn’t understand why Jeremy would want me restrained both physically and chemically after everything that had happened between us.

  “Drink it down, bitch.”

  “Joe!” Terrie continued to scold him, but he laughed in response, not caring about her anger when, by his belief at least, he’d won. If left alone, I would be helpless to the staff, unable to defend myself because of the jacket and the pills.

  With clenched fists inside my jacket, I swallowed down the medication before lifting my tongue to let Terrie see that they’d been washed down into my stomach.

  “Good girl.” She patted my shoulder before throwing Joe a scathing look. “I’ll be sure to let Dr. Hutchins know about your behavior.”

  Joe laughed. “Go ahead. I’m not sure that he’d care.”

  Gripping my arm she pushed me down the long corridor, my heart sinking deeper into my stomach with each step we took.

  What had occurred since last night? What did Joe know that I didn’t?

  The rec room doors loomed ahead and the spring in my step wasted away, seeping out of my body and slithering down into the ground as I stepped through the doorway, leaving all my good feelings behind.

  It was the same picture as it had always been, except the absence of Dawn and Erin was now met with the absence of another one of my friends. Terrie remained by the nursing desk as I stepped toward the patient table where only four of my friends remained.

  The question left my lips before any of them had a chance to ask me about what they believed they’d seen in the halls. “Where’s Elaine.”

  After sharing timid glances, Sally was the first to speak up. “She had a bad night.” The statement was enough to tell me everything I needed to know.

  “Did she complain?”

  Julianne shook her head, the pigtails on her head shaking wildly with the motion. “Not with words. She whacked Joe with her book.” She thought about what she said, cocking her head to the side before laughing and adding, “Well, I guess it was with words,
wasn’t it? Get it? A book? Words?”

  We all stared at her and Michelle and Lesley couldn’t contain their own laughter at her joke. I didn’t find any of it to be funny, but realized that when you’re insane any situation could be considered comical.

  Sitting down beside them, I laid my head on the table, pulling away when I felt Sally brush her hand down my shoulder and back. “Where were you last night? We worried because we didn’t see them take you back to the isolation rooms and you weren’t in either of the wards. I called for you, but you didn’t answer and I…I worried.”

  Feeling guilty for having pulled away from her, I shoulder-bumped her, smiling shyly in apology. “I’m sorry. I’m just jumpy this morning.”

  “From the look of your face this morning, I would have sworn you’d gotten laid.” Lesley blew out a puff of smoke, glancing at Michelle and grinning.

  After taking a puff of her own cigarette, Michelle blew out her own cloud, watching as it mingled with the one created by her twin. “Yeah. Is Dr. Hutchins still alive? Or did you off him too?”

  “It’s a shame,” Lesley commented. “He was a nice piece of ass to look at when he was around. Would have looked nicer running down the field while I aimed at him though.”

  The twins laughed before Julianne added in a sing-song voice, “He’s not dead. He’s meeting the new patient. She’s pretty too. Prettier than you.” Pointing in my direction, she laughed and as usual I was stunned by the childlike voice that came from a grown woman.

  Her words stung, but I shook my head refusing to believe them. Brushing off the thought that the previous night had meant nothing, I remembered that I was dealing with women far more insane than I. “I’m sure he’s just going over her records and determining what medications she’ll receive.”

  “I bet he’s going over more than just her records.” The twins burst out in laughter, but quieted down when they saw pain flash in my eyes.

  “Ah, honey…” Lesley stepped forward to put her arm around my shoulder. “We’re just playing with you. But seriously, where were you last night?”

  “Therapy. After everything with Emerson, Dr. Hutchins thought it would be best that I was kept separate from everybody, including the staff.”

  Michelle looked at me in disbelief. “That’s what the isolation rooms are for. Your story doesn’t make sense.”

  The rec room doors opened, slamming against the walls and drawing our attention to the front of the large space.

  Nurse Lisa came strolling through, pushing Elaine in a wheelchair. As she approached the window, we watched as our friend rolled by. There was no expression on her face and her temples were shadowed with the remnants of the electricity that had been forced into her body.

  Every person stood still and silent as they passed and my eyes couldn’t help but notice the way Elaine drooled down her chin. Even that sight wasn’t what hurt me the worst. Her hands were cradled in her lap and her book was nowhere to be seen.

  Lisa parked the chair in front of the large caged window. Glancing at me and smirking as she turned to walk back to the front of the room.

  Stopping as she passed, she flicked her eyes in my direction, stepping up to speak in a hushed voice so that nobody could hear what she said. “It seems your replacement has shown up. Dr. Hutchins is with her as we speak. What will we do with you when he tosses you back into our care? Be careful who you piss off around here, Alex.”

  “Alex. We need to get going. Your brother has come to see you again.” Terrie shouted across the room, but I wouldn’t look away from the bitch that was currently staring me down.

  I don’t know if it was the adrenaline of fear or the sudden burst of heated anger, but something pushed through my blood, enhancing and forcing the drugs through my system. I stumbled where I stood, swaying on legs that were no longer able to support my weight. Lisa smiled, obviously aware of the effects of the sedatives inside me. Without another word, she turned and walked towards the front of the room.

  Lesley and Michelle stepped up behind me, catching me before I fell. Sitting me down in a chair, they took their places beside me as Sally and Julianne stepped up to cage me behind them.

  Nudging me with her elbow, Michelle asked, “You okay?”

  I nodded my head, but the tear dripping down my cheek was enough to give away the fact that, no, I wasn’t okay.

  I was anything but okay.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

  - Bertrand Russell

  “Fuck. Are you kidding me, Alex?”

  Dain stood up from the table immediately when I entered the room. Holding out his hands, he motioned to the straight jacket, unsure whether he should move towards me or stay in place. Terrie stepped in behind me, helping me to the chair since I was still unsteady on my feet.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Sutton, but it’s policy that your sister be restrained. You’re not supposed to have physical contact with her for the time being.” Smiling sweetly, she said, “Hopefully, that will all change once all this nonsense blows over.”

  Planting me in my seat, she secured my jacket to the chair and waved goodbye as she left the room.

  “Damn, Kid.” Pain flashed in his expression and I watched as he struggled to get his emotions under control. Swallowing hard, he looked up at me and smiled. “I’m sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I didn’t mean to scare you or upset you…especially with everything that’s happened.

  “I’m fine, Dain.” The lie was exposed by the tremble in my voice. I hoped that he wouldn’t notice since the drugs already slurred my words.

  “Yeah. Of course.” He was struggling with what to say. I recognized the look in his eye. Dain was thinking hard about a lot of things, none of which he wanted to discuss with me. Finally making a decision, he leaned in, reaching for my hands out of habit and scowling when he realized they were secured around my abdomen by the straight jacket.

  In a hushed tone, he said, “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you about this, but I’m trying to help you and I don’t have long before that asshole of a doctor shows up.”

  I stayed quiet, knowing that anything I said would serve to distract him and waste the small amount of time we had alone. Still angry and hurt from what I’d learned just minutes prior, my stomach churned with apprehension to know that Jeremy would soon be in this room.

  “I think Jay has been stalking you, Alex. I think he’s the man you keep remembering. I haven’t been able to prove it, but the pattern fits. In his mind, you would have been the reason he went to jail. It would have been your fault that his family had to move away and it would have been your fault that his family was poor…”

  “Why was that my fault?”

  Breathing out a heavy sigh, he admitted, “I’ve been following the paper trail. After Jay was convicted of the molestation and rape…”

  I flinched at the word and he swore under his breath. He hadn’t intended to scare me or cause pain by his admission.

  Speaking slower so that he could phrase what he had to say with a delicate tongue, he continued, “After Jay went to jail, mom and dad sued his parents. He was a minor and his parents were responsible for restitution for his crime. Our family made a fortune off the lawsuit, a fortune that now sits in trust for you when you turn twenty-five. However, it put his family in the poor house. I’m sure that’s enough to make any person bitter.”

  Nodding, I understood what he was saying. However, I couldn’t understand why Jay would continue to come after me. He wasn’t there to hurt me. From what I’d been told and from what I could remember, he’d protected me.

  “I know his family moved back. I told you that. Although I was able to track them, I wasn’t able to track Jay. Alex, I think he changed his identity to fall off the grid. I think he’s the stalker you’re remembering.”

  “Why does any of that matter?”

  Even if this guy was following me, I couldn’t wrap my head aroun
d how any of that would help. What Dain was telling me made sense, but even then, I considered it a wasted effort if it couldn’t get me out of this asylum.

  “Because if he had been stalking you, then you didn’t commit those murders.” He’d expected that to mean something and when my expression didn’t change he became frustrated, finally blurting out, “If you didn’t kill those men, you’re innocent. They have to let you out of here!”

  “Are you intentionally planting ideas in my patient’s head, Mr. Sutton? And if so, for what purpose?”

  Jeremy’s voice rolled through the room with an edge of anger slicing through his words. Dain scowled up at Jeremy, pissed off at the fact that we’d been interrupted and that neither of us noticed when Jeremy walked in. How long had he been standing at the door listening to our conversation?

  “Regardless of your theory of this mysterious stalker, Mr. Sutton, I fail to see how any of that can help Alex.”

  Standing up from the table, Dain stepped towards Jeremy. I turned to see Jeremy smile arrogantly, daring Dain to step closer. Dain must have read the expression as well.

  Stepping back, he retook his seat to prevent getting tossed the asylum for a second time. “I’m trying to solve the crimes that put my sister in this institution. If she’s not guilty…”

  “That is all well and good. However, I believe there are better ways of solving a crime than influencing a mentally unbalanced person who may or may not hold the information we need in the memories she’s locked away as a result of traumatic events.”

  “What?” Dain looked between Jeremy and me before saying, “She has amnesia.”

  Jeremy smiled. “It would seem that’s a simple diagnosis to give a person in order to close a file. However, unlike the other doctors, Mr. Sutton, I’m actually interested in helping your sister, not just assigning her label so I can move on to my next patient.”

  Striding across the room with a graceful, yet powerful stride, Jeremy stopped near the end of the table as he explained, “I informed you yesterday that I have a theory that Alex suffers from more than just simple amnesia. I believe we’re dealing with repressed memories as a result of trauma and possible delusions as a result of the brain injury she sustained in the car accident. If I can prove those theories, then there is a possibility that I can help your sister recover. However, if you keep feeding her information, how am I supposed to trust that what she remembers in therapy is real? I have a duty to report to the Court. Together with the duty to report her condition, I also have a duty to report any information I believe could have interfered with her memories.”